by Annie Jocoby
I couldn’t argue with him. He was absolutely right. He hadn’t asked much of me, and I couldn’t count the number of times that he had been there for me. I owed him this much.
“Ok,” I said.
“Don’t be so enthusiastic about it, now,” he said.
“Sorry, Nick. My mind is on other things right now. I guess I just resent always having to deal with Alexis like this. I mean, I know that she can’t really help it. But I also fear that I’ll never get away from it. Because, like you said, I’m the only one who is willing to help her. I mean, besides you.”
“Yeah, but even I’m not going to foot her bills. No offense, but I’m not that close to her. Not like you, anyhow.”
After we had our little talk, we approached Alexis, who was hanging around the outside of the facility.
“Don’t worry, Alexis,” I said. “I’ll pay for your treatment.”
She smiled. “Thank you,” she said.
Then we all went inside.
We checked her in, then took a seat in the waiting room. Alexis just stared at the TV above her head, with no expression. Then she looked at me and said “I was just wondering, Ryan, what it would take for you to leave your silly wife.”
“Now, why would you ask that question?”
“No reason. I mean, she divorces you, she leaves you without a forwarding address, she has your child and doesn’t tell you, and she doesn’t come back until she’s dragged back, kicking and screaming. I just think that you deserve so much better.”
“Listen, Alexis,” I said between gritted teeth. “My relationship with Iris is nobody’s business but our own. And today is not about me, it’s about you.”
She just shrugged her shoulders, and returned her attention to the television set. “I just think that if I did half the things she did, you would’ve kicked me to the curb,” she said, her eyes still glued to the TV.
“Are you really that non self-aware?” I asked. I knew that I was taking the bait, but I couldn’t help myself. “After all the lying, the cheating, the spending, the lying, the drugs, the cheating, the cheating, the cheating that you did to me over the years, and you have the gall to impugn my wife?”
For once, Nick was the sensitive one, as he said “Ryan, you’re talking to a woman with a serious illness here. Maybe you need to be a little more circumspect.”
“I know, I know,” I said. “But I can’t help myself.” I looked over at Alexis, and she had a little evil smile on her face.
I inwardly kicked myself for letting her goad me like that.
The doctor called Alexis’ name. Alexis looked at Nick and me, and said “well, are you guys coming or not?”
We got out of our chairs and accompanied her into the doctor’s office.
“Now,” Dr. Wright said. “What seems to be the problem?”
Alexis looked at me. “Do you want to tell him?”
“Sure,” I said. “Ms. Peters here is suffering from Bi-Polar I disorder. And she needs a medication adjustment.”
I knew the drill by now.
The doctor looked at his chart. “Ok,” he said. “We’ll start you on a course of Geodan, Abilify and Lithium,” he said as he scribbled a prescription. “Do you need to be admitted?”
“Well, I have had suicidal thoughts,” she said.
“Do you have a plan?”
“Yes,” she said. “When I go home, I want to take my car and drive it off a bridge.”
“Ok,” the doctor said. “And how serious are you about this, on a scale from one to ten?”
“A twenty,” she said, looking him in the eye.
“Do you have any other acute symptoms?”
She looked at Nick. “Tell him,” she said.
“She doesn’t sleep much at all,” Nick said. “I haven’t seen her sleep for almost a week. She comes into my room at all hours of the night and turns on the light and the stereo, making sure that I can’t sleep, either. She wants to have sex constantly, she has gotten violent, she has lost thousands of dollars at the casinos in just a few days, and she broke into an Hermés store to get a purse in the middle of the night.”
“But I haven’t done drugs,” she said, proudly. “That’s a major switch for me.”
“Ok,” the doctor said. “Sounds like you need to be admitted.”
“Ya think?” Alexis said.
“Please return to the waiting room,” he said. “We will call you when your bed opens up.”
We all returned to the waiting room. “Whatta tool,” Alexis said. “That doctor is a real ass.”
I had no idea why the doctor was an ass in her mind, and I didn’t bother to ask.
“Well,” Alexis said. “I’m going to lie down over here and get some sleep. Wake me when the doc calls my name.” At that, she laid down across four chairs in the waiting room and promptly fell asleep.
I waited until I heard her breathing heavily before talking to Nick. “What is she going to do?” I asked. “She needs to work. She can’t support herself otherwise.”
“She didn’t tell you the whole story about why she was fired,” Nick said.
“Why don’t you tell me?”
“You ever see the movie Michael Clayton?” he asked. “With George Clooney?”
“Michael Clayton, Michael Clayton,” I said, trying to remember. “Yeah, I think I did see that. What about it?”
“Do you remember why the guy in that movie got fired?” he asked.
It suddenly dawned on me. “Oh, yeah. He stripped naked in a settlement conference or something.”
“Bingo,” Nick said.
“You mean she-“
“Let’s just say that she was explicitly setting out to recreate that scene.”
“Oh, shit,” I said. “Crap. Now what?”
“Well, she can always apply for disability,” he said. “Could you imagine? Alexis living on $800 a month or something? She makes half that in one billable hour for her firm.”
I put my head in my hands. I saw my future, and it was going to involve taking care of my ex-wife.
Iris will not be happy about this.
“Anyhow,” Nick was saying. “If she has to live on disability, she’ll off herself for sure. Can’t buy too many Fendi bags on $800 a month.”
“What does she have left from the divorce settlement?” I asked, afraid to know the answer to that question.
“You’re joking, right?” he asked. “How much did you give her?”
“$10 million and a Porsche,” I said.
“And you guys were divorced, what, six years ago?”
“Something like that.”
“Looks like she went through $10 million in the last six years. Because she ain’t got two nickels to rub together. She still has the Porsche, though.”
I groaned and stared at the ceiling. How did I get myself into these situations? How? And why didn’t I get her a conservator when I divorced her?
I looked over at Alexis, who was talking in her sleep. “Stop, David,” she said in a giggly tone. “You’re so naughty.”
I crossed my arms. There had to be a way that I could avoid being her guardian. But I knew that her parents had long since cut her off, and nobody else in her family would even talk to her. I was really her only family.
“So,” I said. “Unless Alexis can get another high six figure job, which seems unlikely, considering what she did, she’s pretty much SOL.” I said that as a statement, not as a question, because I knew the answer to that.
“Ryan, Alexis couldn’t make ends meet on $750,000 a year, even with your $10 million settlement. Unless she can get stabilized for good, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I sighed. “Iris is not going to be happy about this.”
“What does she care? You could give your entire fortune to Alexis, and she’d be just as happy. One thing about her, she really could care less about your money.”
“I know,” I said. “But she probably feels differently now that we have a daughter. A very speci
al daughter who is going to need top schooling, which ain’t cheap.”
“She was working at the Whole Foods when she had that kid. Trust, Iris isn’t going to care that you’re supporting your ex-wife.”
“No, I can’t do it,” I said. “As you said, Alexis blew through $10 million in four years, while earning a salary between a half million and three-quarters of a million a year. She has nothing to show for it. If I have to support her, I’ll be broke in no time.”
“I’m quite sure you won’t be broke. Hate to state the obvious, but your billionaire dad doesn’t have that much time left. Which means that you and Sarah will soon have money that you will literally never be able to spend in your lifetimes.”
“My dad is in remission,” I said. “And I would appreciate it if you weren’t so callous in talking about him.”
“This is the same dad you fucked you up, and was indirectly responsible for your drug problems and your suicide attempts, right? The same dad who was a child molester and a rapist? That dad?”
“He’s changed,” I said.
“Whatever. Anyhow, when he dies, you can support 100 Alexises. Not saying that’s what you should do. I’m just saying that you could do that if you wanted to.”
“What choice do I have?” I asked. “I can’t just let her go down the rabbit hole. Of course, I’m going to have to set up a conservatorship for her. I can’t just let her have unlimited funds.”
“Oh, Alexis on a budget,” he said. “That’ll be fun to see.”
“You seem to be taking delight in all this.”
He looked at me for a few minutes. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m sorry, buddy. I shouldn’t be such an asshole about this. I guess I’m just jealous of you.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Your life is so together. You have your adorable genius, and a sweet wife you loves you for you, not your money. I have a crazy girlfriend, a rapacious soon-to-be-ex-wife, and two kids who are going to be turned against me by said soon-to-be-ex-wife. My life is a nightmare right now.”
I sighed. “You know why I’m together,” I said.
“I know. You met your soul mate.”
“Well, yes,” I said. “But also because I’ve been in counseling for eight years. You should try it.”
“You’re right. God knows I seem to need it.”
“Come with me to meet Dr. Halder,” I said. “I see him every week.”
Nick looked at his hands, which were on his lap. “Ok,” he said, without looking up. “I think I finally am admitting that I need help.”
I smiled. “Hey, it could be worse,” I said, motioning silently to the sleeping Alexis.
“True,” he said with a grin.
The Alexis woke up. “Oh, god,” she said. “I was having a nightmare that I was broke and going into a mental hospital.”
“Um,” I said. “That wasn’t a nightmare. Look around.”
She looked around at her surroundings. Then looked at us. “Shit, that wasn’t a dream?”
I just shook my head.
She started crying, then she started wailing, pounding her fist on the arm of the chair. “What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? How am I going to live?”
Nick looked at me, then motioned to her. I didn’t make a move towards her, so he whispered “you going to commit to taking care of her or not?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t going to make a decision like that with a proverbial gun to my head. “Alexis,” I said. “You’ll find another job.”
“No, I won’t!” she said. “I embezzled money from them, and they agreed not to press charges, because let’s just say that I know a little too much about some of their billing practices. But no other firm will touch me now. Plus, I stripped naked in a settlement conference for one of our largest clients. Trust me, I won’t find another job.”
Then she put her head in her hands. “I might as well kill myself right now. I don’t have a way to live anymore. I don’t have a way to live.” Then she was wailing again.
Nick looked at me, his eyebrows raised.
I calculated in my head how much it would take to keep her in some kind of Alexis minimum standard. Would a quarter of a million a year do her? If the money was in a conservatorship? That would be about one-third her current salary.
She’s just going to have to learn to budget like the rest of the world.
“Alexis,” I said. “Uh, I’ll take care of you. We’ll get something worked out.”
She raised her tear-streaked face to me. “You mean it?”
“Yes,” I said, hoping that Iris wouldn’t get upset at me for committing to this without asking her. “I mean I can’t give you as much as your firm was giving you, but we can work something out.”
Nick was looking at me and nodding his head. I shook my head back at him. Iris is going to kill me for this.
Alexis’ face brightened. “Oh, thank god,” she said. “I was thinking that I’d have to live off of social security disability or something. Could you imagine? One pair of shoes, and my monthly check would be gone.”
Just what I didn’t want to hear.
I did silent calculations in my head. Let’s see, Alexis is 33. She might live another fifty years. That would be around $12 million over the course of her lifetime. Yeah, that’s doable.
I turned on my phone and called Iris, but her phone went straight to voice-mail. Of course, she was in her deposition, and she couldn’t have her phone on. I prayed that she would understand. But I knew that she would. Like Nick said, Iris cared little about money. And this really isn’t a lot of money, in the big scheme of things. Nick was also right that I would have more money than I would know what to do with after my father passed. So, what did I care?
Alexis’ name was finally called. We went to the desk that did the bed assignments, and Alexis was given a bed number and a private code that people had to use to come and see her. She looked at us. “Do you guys mind staying with me for a few hours? I don’t want to be alone.”
“I really have to go and see my wife,” I said. “Today’s an important day for her.”
Alexis gave me a look and hung her head. “Ok, then” she said. “I guess I’ll see you later.”
God, she knows how to manipulate me. She knew just how to push my buttons. “Ok, ok, I’ll come and stay with you for a little while. But only for a little while, then I have to be shuffling off to Buffalo.” I turned to Nick. “You’re staying if I’m staying.”
“Cool,” he said. “Let’s go.”
At that, we got on the elevator and headed to her assigned floor. Then we went to her room, which was a private room that consisted of a hospital bed, a television and little else. Still, this place costs around $3,000 a day, more than the gorgeous drug-treatment place Iris stayed in. It’s a crime, really, how much these mental health facilities charge, considering the paltry services they provide. Three hots and a cot costs more than all of the pampering and services that Iris received in Beverly Hills.
“Ryan,” Alexis said. “I really hate to ask this, because I know that you have a new wife and new baby at home. But could I stay with you guys just until I get stabilized?”
Oh, hell no. Hell to the no. “Alexis, that’s not possible. You’re pushing your luck, here. Iris won’t be happy to know that I have agreed to support you, and she really won’t be happy with your moving in with us. Besides, we just got rid of Natalie. No room at the Inn.”
Alexis pouted. “Well, I can’t stay with Nick, here. He didn’t make sure that I was med compliant, which is why I had my relapse in the first place.”
I looked at Nick. “What?” he said. “I’m not her baby-sitter.”
“No,” I said. “You’re her enabler. You didn’t think it was the least bit weird the way that she was acting?”
“Hey,” he said. “No offense, but you grew up around crazy. I didn’t. I don’t know the first thing about handling people with mental illnesses.”
“I did not
grow up around crazy. My mother left when I was very young, or did you forget that?”
“True, but your father wasn’t exactly playing with all his marbles, either.”
“Be that as it may, you still should’ve been paying more attention. You’ve always known about her illness.”
“I’m not her babysitter,” he repeated.
I sighed. I wasn’t going to get anywhere with him.
“Well,” Alexis said. “Can I stay with you three?”
Criminy. I thought about all the possibilities. Alexis used to leave the house with the door wide open. If she did that this time, the dogs could run away. And my daughter is going to wonder what the hell is going on with all these people coming and going from the house. I can’t do that to her. And Iris…sweet Iris, with the infinite patience. Her patience could very well run out, and who could blame her?
I really hated being put on the spot like this.
“No,” I said. “You’re just going to have to go into a group home or something. I mean, come on, the last time you had a relapse, it took you like a month to get stabilized. You’re telling me that I have to ask my new wife if my ex-wife can stay with us for a month. I mean, really? Seriously?”
“Iris won’t mind,” she said sweetly. “I know that I give you a hard time about her, but she really is a sweet girl.”
“Yeah,” I said. “But you’re asking me to let you stay with us, when you know that you’re going to be staying up for days, crying non-stop, talking incessantly, and running in and out of the house at all hours of the night. You get violent, too. Not to mention you have a bad habit of sneaking in drugs. I have a new daughter at home, as well. I don’t know Alexis, it’s not a good idea.”
She pouted again. God, why does she put me in these predicaments? I helped her get stabilized the last time, but Iris and I had briefly broken up during that time, so Iris’ feelings were not a factor.
Now they would be.
Iris comes first.
I finally just said “I’ll talk to Iris when I get home.”
