by Peter David
"With all due respect," Shelby said more forcefully, "doesn't that sound like an odd view of the galaxy? I mean, really now. Ship's log, science log . . . all to pull a joke on us?"
"Or perhaps to cover up some sort of"
"Of what?" Calhoun now cut in, and the veneer of affable amusement, and even faint condescension, was gone. "May I ask, Admiral, what you are implying?"
"May I ask, Captain, what you are inferring?"
countered Jellico.
"I am inferring," replied Calhoun, "that you think there may have been some sort of sloppiness on my part, and that the report we've given you was constructedin all its outrageousnessto fool us. And
that we fell for it. And if that is the case, Admiral," and his voice lowered in a tone that bordered on deadly, "then I am going to have to ask you to apologize."
"Apologize to you, Captain?" asked Jellico with clear skepticism.
"No, Admiral. To be perfectly blunt" "As if that were a change of pace." "I couldn't give a damn what you think of me," continued Calhoun as if Jellico hadn't spoken. "But Elizabeth Shelby is one of the most capable humans I've ever known."
"Captain, this isn't necessary," Shelby tried to say. But he ignored her and continued. "The notion that she would fail to see through any hoax is, frankly, insulting. And if you do not retract that statement, then I shall file a formal complaint with Starfleet Command."
"What 'statement,' Captain?" replied Jellico. "You're asking me to retract an inference that you yourself made. I am simply saying that I find this report of your activities in Sector 221-G, formerly known as Thallonian space, to be somewhat . . . dubious."
"If that is the case, Admiral," Calhoun replied, "if you truly think that running into a figure of mythology or history such as the Great Bird of the Galaxy is too preposterous, then I take it you will not want to hear about it should we happen to encounter . . . oh, I don't know . . . Apollo?"
"Or Zephram Cochrane?" Shelby added. "Or what was his namethe knife murderer . . . ?" "Jack the Ripper?" offered Calhoun. "Yes!" She snapped her fingers as the memory came back. "Jack the Ripper. Thank you. You know, I have to tell you, Admiral, in comparison to those incidents, a giant flaming bird seems a fairly modest claim."
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nant world that they grew into. It was the creature's imminent . . . hatching, if you will . . . that caused the drain of power, the destruction of the world, and the fall of the Thallonian Empire."
"Commander," Jellico said patiently, "empires fall because of any number of things. Economic collapse. Political infighting. Inbreeding causing a downward spiral in the quality of its rulers. Empires do not fall because giant flaming birds smash the home world to bits!"
"Well. . ." Shelby paused, looked to Calhoun, who shrugged. She turned back to Jellico. "Not as a rule . . ."
"Commander"
"Admiral, be reasonable. Do you really think someone would go to all this effort just for the purpose of perpetrating some sort of massive hoax on you? With all due respect"
"There's that phrase again," sighed Jellico. "The one that always precedes something said with a total lack of respect."
"With all due respect," Shelby said more forcefully, "doesn't that sound like an odd view of the galaxy? I mean, really now. Ship's log, science log . . . all to pull a joke on us?"
"Or perhaps to cover up some sort of"
"Of what?" Calhoun now cut in, and the veneer of affable amusement, and even faint condescension, was gone. "May I ask, Admiral, what you are implying?"
"May I ask, Captain, what you are inferring?"
countered Jellico.
"I am inferring," replied Calhoun, "that you think there may have been some sort of sloppiness on my part, and that the report we've given you was constructedin all its outrageousnessto fool us. And
that we fell for it. And if that is the case, Admiral," and his voice lowered in a tone that bordered on deadly, "then I am going to have to ask you to apologize."
"Apologize to you, Captain?" asked Jellico with clear skepticism.
"No, Admiral. To be perfectly blunt" "As if that were a change of pace." "I couldn't give a damn what you think of me," continued Calhoun as if Jellico hadn't spoken. "But Elizabeth Shelby is one of the most capable humans I've ever known."
"Captain, this isn't necessary," Shelby tried to say. But he ignored her and continued. "The notion that she would fail to see through any hoax is, frankly, insulting. And if you do not retract that statement, then I shall file a formal complaint with Starfleet Command."
"What 'statement,' Captain?" replied Jellico. "You're asking me to retract an inference that you yourself made. I am simply saying that I find this report of your activities in Sector 221-G, formerly known as Thallonian space, to be somewhat . . . dubious."
"If that is the case, Admiral," Calhoun replied, "if you truly think that running into a figure of mythology or history such as the Great Bird of the Galaxy is too preposterous, then I take it you will not want to hear about it should we happen to encounter . . . oh, I don't know . . . Apollo?"
"Or Zephram Cochrane?" Shelby added. "Or what was his namethe knife murderer . . . ?" "Jack the Ripper?" offered Calhoun. "Yes!" She snapped her fingers as the memory came back. "Jack the Ripper. Thank you. You know, I have to tell you, Admiral, in comparison to those incidents, a giant flaming bird seems a fairly modest claim."
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Jellico rubbed the bridge of his nose, suddenly looking rather tired. "Very amusing, Captain, Commander. You refer to Kirk, of course."
"Well, he was required reading at the Academy,
sir," said Shelby.
"He was required reading because of his tactics and strategy," clarified Jellico. "His more 'outrageous' exploits were hardly required."
"True, sir, but in Kirk's case, sometimes the footnotes were far more interesting reading than the main
events."
"That may be the case, Commander, but here's the truth of it My great-grandfather was in Starfleet? Command during Kirk's time. And the fact was, Kirk had some very staunch supporters. That served him well, because he also had any number of people whom he had angered with his constant glory-hounding and utter disregard for regulations. And it was widely believed in Starfleet that, every so often, he would file utterly preposterous reports, just to tweak those individuals whom he knew didn't like his style and his way of doing things. Such as the incident with the giant killer amoeba. And that totally ridiculous alleged occasion in which his first officer's brain was stolen. I mean, come on, people. Clearly, these things could not possibly have happened. Every time you heard uncontrolled laughter ringing up and down the hallways at Starfleet Command, you could tell that Kirk had filed another one
of his whoppers."
"Did anyone entertain the notion that they might all be true, sir?" asked Calhoun.
"Yes, they did, and every si
ngle one of Kirk's crew swore to their dying day that every insane thing Kirk encountered was the absolute truth. To some people, that was sufficient proof of Kirk's veracity. To others,
it simply showed the incredible depth of loyalty from his people." For just a moment, Jellico's expression seemed to soften, to become reflective. "Either way, I suppose, that made Kirk a man to be envied." Calhoun and Shelby glanced at each other in undisguised surprise. Jellico actually sounded almost envious of the legend of Kirk.
Jellico seemed to refocus on Calhoun, and his brow furrowed. "This isn't about Kirk, and it isn't about me. From now on, I expect to receive reports that are not fanciful extrapolations of reality. Is that understood?"
"Fully, Admiral," Calhoun said quietly, but his purple eyes were blazing with undisguised annoyance. "You have a good deal of latitude, Captain, out there in Thallonian space. You're the only starship out there. You're operating without a net, so don't expect me to be there to catch you when you fall." "Understood."
Jellico looked from one of them to the other, as if expecting them, even daring them, to say something that might be considered challenging. But they simply sat there, tight-lipped, and Jellico grunted before saying, "Jellico out." His image blinked off the screen. "That was certainly a little piece of heaven," Shelby sighed, slumping back in her chair. She noticed the way Calhoun was looking at her. "What's the problem?"
"You kicked me," Calhoun said. "Oh, that."
"Yes, that. That's a hell of a thing to be on the receiving end from the queen of Starfleet regulations. I'd be most interested to see the one where it says that it is acceptable to kick one's commanding officer."
"It's more of an unwritten rule. You were about to say something that would get you is deep, Mac,
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Jellico rubbed the bridge of his nose, suddenly looking rather tired. "Very amusing, Captain, Commander. You refer to Kirk, of course."
"Well, he was required reading at the Academy,
sir," said Shelby.
"He was required reading because of his tactics and strategy," clarified Jellico. "His more 'outrageous' exploits were hardly required."
"True, sir, but in Kirk's case, sometimes the footnotes were far more interesting reading than the main
events."
"That may be the case, Commander, but here's the truth of it My great-grandfather was in Starfleet? Command during Kirk's time. And the fact was, Kirk had some very staunch supporters. That served him well, because he also had any number of people whom he had angered with his constant glory-hounding and utter disregard for regulations. And it was widely believed in Starfleet that, every so often, he would file utterly preposterous reports, just to tweak those individuals whom he knew didn't like his style and his way of doing things. Such as the incident with the giant killer amoeba. And that totally ridiculous alleged occasion in which his first officer's brain was stolen. I mean, come on, people. Clearly, these things could not possibly have happened. Every time you heard uncontrolled laughter ringing up and down the hallways at Starfleet Command, you could tell that Kirk had filed another one
of his whoppers."
"Did anyone entertain the notion that they might all be true, sir?" asked Calhoun.
"Yes, they did, and every single one of Kirk's crew swore to their dying day that every insane thing Kirk encountered was the absolute truth. To some people, that was sufficient proof of Kirk's veracity. To others,
it simply showed the incredible depth of loyalty from his people." For just a moment, Jellico's expression seemed to soften, to become reflective. "Either way, I suppose, that made Kirk a man to be envied." Calhoun and Shelby glanced at each other in undisguised surprise. Jellico actually sounded almost envious of the legend of Kirk.
Jellico seemed to refocus on Calhoun, and his brow furrowed. "This isn't about Kirk, and it isn't about me. From now on, I expect to receive reports that are not fanciful extrapolations of reality. Is that understood?"
"Fully, Admiral," Calhoun said quietly, but his purple eyes were blazing with undisguised annoyance. "You have a good deal of latitude, Captain, out there in Thallonian space. You're the only starship out there. You're operating without a net, so don't expect me to be there to catch you when you fall." "Understood."
Jellico looked from one of them to the other, as if expecting them, even daring them, to say something that might be considered challenging. But they simply sat there, tight-lipped, and Jellico grunted before saying, "Jellico out." His image blinked off the screen. "That was certainly a little piece of heaven," Shelby sighed, slumping back in her chair. She noticed the way Calhoun was looking at her. "What's the problem?"
"You kicked me," Calhoun said. "Oh, that."
"Yes, that. That's a hell of a thing to be on the receiving end from the queen of Starfleet regulations. I'd be most interested to see the one where it says that it is acceptable to kick one's commanding officer."
"It's more of an unwritten rule. You were about to say something that would get you is deep, Mac,
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and in so doing were dragging me along with you. Don't think of it as an assault. Think of it as self-defense."
"I can't say I appreciated it."
"I didn't do it to gain your appreciation. I did it to get your attention."
"Well, next time might I suggest something a little less painful?"
"I would have tried a striptease. That's always worked in the past," she said with no hint of a smile. "But somehow I think the Admiral might have noticed."
"Perhaps. Certainly might have gotten you that promotion you've always wanted."
She blew air impatiently from between her lips as she rose from the table. "Don't bring that up."
"Bring what up?"
"Did you see the promotion list recently? I was scanning it over and did a double take when I saw 'Captain Shelby' commanding the Sutherland. For half a second I thought I'd been promoted and someone forgot to tell me, and then I realized it was someone else. It should have been me, Mac. But instead, I'm still . . ."
"Stuck with me?"
She sighed. "You know, Mac . . . the whole world doesn't have to be about you. That's one of the things you always did that drove me crazy. It's my problem, okay? Not yours."
"It doesn't have to be yours either, if you'd only be happy with what you've got."
"With what I've got?" She leaned her back against the wall, her hands draped behind her, and she looked bleakly at Calhoun. "This Captain Not-Me Shelby is in the thick of things. There's a major push going on with about three quarters of the fleet, and he's smack in the middle. And us, we're . . ."
"Exploring," Calhoun noted. "Last I checked, that's what Starfleet is supposed to be all about. Grozit, Eppy, you know that as well as anyone. Better than most, in fact."
She glanced at him. " 'Grozit'? Reverting to Xen-exian profanity?"
"Xenexian profanity. Sorry. I'll try to watch myself."
"Not on my account, although your command of terran profanity is fairly comprehensive."
"I have an ear for languages."
She half-sat on the edge of the table. "The problem is, Mac, that first and foremost, I'm a tactician. That's my strength, what I was trained for. Analyzing an enemy's weakness, seeing where they can be out-thought or defeated. That sort of thing is where I really come alive, Mac. But here, I feel like . . ."
"Like you're wasting your time?"
She studied him and, to her surprise, she saw something in his eyes that she had thought he really wasn't capable of Hurt. He seemed hurt over the very notion that she would want to be elsewhere or that she could think that her time as first officer of the Excal-ibur was not a worthy test of her skill.
"No," she said softly. "No . . . I don't think that at all. Face it, Mac, you'd be lost without me."
"I don't know if I'd be lost," he replied. "But I'd be far less eager to be found."
She was genuinely touched. It was times like this that reminded her exactly how and why she had become involved with Mackenzie Calhoun in the first place. How they had wound up lovers, engaged to be married, until the relationship had broken down under the weight of their conflicting personalities. "That is so sweet," she said.
He shrugged. "I have my moments."
She found that she was looking at him in a way that
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and in so doing were dragging me along with you. Don't think of it as an assault. Think of it as self-defense."
"I can't say I appreciated it."
"I didn't do it to gain your appreciation. I did it to get your attention."
"Well, next time might I suggest something a little less painful?"
"I would have tried a striptease. That's always worked in the past," she said with no hint of a smile. "But somehow I think the Admiral might have noticed."
