This book is dedicated to anyone who has ever lost anyone close to them. No matter how much it hurts we have to know that they are there with their hand on our shoulder. They are Angels Holding Us Close!
Authors Thanks
I would like to thank Dena Stanley and Mackenzie Christiansen, because without them the book would not be complete. Thank you so much for your help. You both rock!
My husband and children, thank you. This book wouldn’t have been completed without your support and patience . You all are what makes my heart beat.
My family and friends, thank you for being so supportive to this crazy idea of writing. You are all the best.
Last but not least, to my Angel, Ashley, thank you, because without your hand on my shoulder I would never have been able to convey the feeling in this book that it deserved. I love and miss you so much my Sweet Angel Girl.
This book is all fiction. Any depiction of anyone, place or thing was purely coincidental. Maroa, Illinois is a real place, and at no point do I mean to depict the people of the city in a negative fashion.
Chapter 1
Katie sits in her room staring out the window, thinking about the last few months. Watching the birds fly from tree to tree on this beautiful summer day, she can’t help but feel a sadness that never seems to leave her these days. Trying to push out the blue feeling, Katie turns on the radio and starts to listen to her favorite song, Angels among Us, by Alabama. This song just seems to help her not feel so sad.
Laying back on her bed and looking at the ceiling she remembers when her life was normal, and there wasn’t this feeling of loss in the house all the time. Closing her eyes, she could see herself and her brother, Jackson, running through the house chasing each other. She could hear her mother yell to them as they ran out of the back door giggling, “Make sure you shut the door.” These thoughts that she often has are the little things that are always able to put a smile to her face, yet at the exact same time sends a sharp pain through her heart, like she had been stabbed with a knife.
Katie is only fifteen but she has been through so much that it has made her question why things happen the way they do. While the last few years have been hard, the hardest part of her life was happening right now. She feels completely alone, and as if she has no one to talk to about it, even though she knows that if she needed an ear, her mom would be there in a minute. But that was part of the problem, she knew that neither her mom nor her dad would ever understand how she was feeling, and therefore would not be able to give her any help on how to make this feeling leave her.
When the song was over, she decided that she would take a walk to clear her head. She put on a pair of shorts and a t shirt, and grabbed her IPOD. As she walked down the stairs she could hear her mom talking on the phone to someone, probably one of the neighbors calling to check on the family. The neighbors had been taking turns the last few months on checking on her family. By the sound of her voice, she could tell that her mom had been crying again, but that is nothing new. Everyone in the house had been crying at least once a day since the whole ordeal happened.
She went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and to let her mom know that she was going to walk down the street to the park for a little bit. Mom held up her finger to signal Katie to wait a minute. Katie knew what she was going to say, and just hoped that she would not offer to go with her so that they could spend some time together. That was mom’s new thing lately. Anytime Katie left the house to go to the park, Mom always offered to go so that they could spend some quality time together.
Soon her mom hung up the phone, got up and walked over to the fridge and started taking out food. “Let me fix you something to eat,” her mom said to her.
“I’m not hungry mom. I just want to take a walk to the park. I need to get out of the house for a little bit,” she said grabbing an apple out of the bowl to appease her mom.
“You need to eat something, other than an apple. Why don’t we go out to grab dinner tonight? We can go anywhere you want to go,” her mom said as cheerful as she could muster.
“I don’t want to go out to eat tonight. I just want to take a walk mom. I will be back in a bit. I am just going to the park for a little while,” Katie said to her mom. She quickly kissed her on the cheek and darted out the door and down the front walk before her mom could say anything else.
Katie took a deep breath and started walking down the street, thinking about the last few months. She could not understand why things turned out the way they did, but she knew that everything seems to happen for a reason. What made her mad the most was that she did not know, or understand what the reason was for the past few months.
Katie walked about a block down the road and turned right, walking past the empty house on the corner. The family that had lived there moved to New Mexico about four months ago and no one had moved into the house yet. Though she was not friends with the girl that lived there, Katie knew that the girl whose name she could not honestly recall did not want to go. She continued until she got to the Weeping Willow tree that sat on the corner of Palm St, and Garfield St, where she took a left. When she rounded the corner she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye flutter by. She looked around but did not see anything. She continued up the street and had only a block to go when something seemed to pull her to the right and up the hill. She couldn’t decide what made her want to go in this direction, but she couldn’t stop herself. As she continued up the hill she could feel an odd feeling that she could not pin point. It was like a hand was on her back guiding her forward to the place that she knew she really did not want to go, but did not seem to have a choice.
Katie looked up at the sky as she continued to walk through the town. It was a sunny day, with very few clouds in the sky. Summer was always her favorite time of year. It was the time that the family always took a trip together to some of the coolest places. They never flew either, so anywhere they went they were crammed into the close quarters of the family minivan that she hated to be seen in. These days she longed to be seen in the family minivan. They always played the license plate game, trying to see who could find at least one license plate for every state. It was always challenging, but Jackson always seemed to do the best out of everyone.
Shaking the thoughts from her head, she continued walking at a faster pace. She knew that if her mom found out that she did not go to the park like she said, she would be in a world of trouble, but she just felt like she needed to be where this feeling was sending her.
Chapter 2
Katie continued up the hill just like she had every day for the last few months. She turned at the fifth row from the bottom and counted six headstones in. She stopped and dropped to her knees as she touched the name of her brother “Jackson Reed”. She ran her fingers across the dates as her eyes filled with tears.
She wiped the tears off her cheeks, and said out loud, “I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do without you here. I know we used to fight a lot but I would give anything to have you here annoying me today.” Looking around to see if there was anyone else there today, she noticed how at peace she was for the first time in a few months.
Jackson is her eight year old brother who passed away a few months ago. They all knew it was going to eventually happen but somewhere deep inside of Katie, she never thought it would happen when he was only eight years old and had his whole life ahead of him.
He had been 3 when they diagnosed him with a non-curable form of cancer that Katie couldn’t say and honestly couldn’t remember. Though Jackson never seemed to let it faze him and always stayed positive all the way up to his last breath, Katie couldn’t help but feel so mad at him for leaving her. She knew that he was not the one to be mad at but she could not help it.
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nbsp; As she continued to sit there and talk to Jackson, she looked around often, not wanting anyone to really see her there. She has not told her parents that she was going there every day since Jackson died and she did not want them to start worrying about her.
“I am not sure why I am here right now; I was supposed to be going to the park. I really was not going to come here today. I hurt so much after I leave here usually, yet today I feel more at peace now that I am here. I may never understand why this happened or how you handled it so well being your age and all,” she said to Jackson wiping her face. “Mom and dad are not the same without you here. Things were so much happier when you were here, even when you were confined to the bed in the living room,” she continued.
Katie sat there on the ground putting her hand up to the headstone. She remembered when the living room was Jackson’s bedroom. They moved a hospital bed into the house and moved his toys and his most important things out of his room to the living room. They wanted everything to be as normal as possible for him. She would lay in the bed with him reading one book after another, mainly about nature. He loved nature and could tell you information about almost any animal you asked about no matter how bizarre it may have seemed at the time. She could still remember having a football throwing competition and using the garbage can for the goal. Katie lost and could honestly say that it was not for the lack of trying. Jackson was good!
For someone who was sick he loved to have fun. Katie would only leave him long enough for her to go to school, and the last week she even skipped that.
She remembered the night that she couldn’t sleep so she went downstairs to the living room. She sat on the couch that was in the corner watching him as he slept. That was until he scared her heart out of her body when he sat straight up and said boo, with a huge smile. He always was pulling practical jokes on everyone in the house. After she gathered her heart back in and they both were stifling a laugh to keep from waking their parents, she went to sit on the bed with Jackson. She asked him, “Are you scared?”
Jackson looked at her and just smiled and said “no, I have seen where I will be living and the fact that I will not be hurting or have these monitors hooked to me. I will get to run around and enjoy everything.” Jackson took her hand and lifted his other hand to wipe the tear that fell down her cheek. “Why are you crying?” he asked.
Katie was amazed at how calm Jackson was. It was unbelievable that someone so little could have already came to terms with the fact that they were dying and yet she and her parents were struggling so much with the thought of losing him.
“I am scared of what it will be like without you here with me. You will always be my kid brother and I can’t imagine not having you here with me. I remember the day mom and dad told me I was going to be a big sister. I told them I did not want to be, and then when you were born, I couldn’t wait for you to come home. In the first week I got in trouble because I tried to put one of my baby doll outfits on you. You should have seen the look on moms face when she came to get you out of your crib and you were missing clothes. I thought she was going to kill me.” They both began to giggle at the thought of what mom was thinking at that moment.
“You never told me that story before,” Jackson said laughing.
“Mom didn’t want me to give you any ideas if we had another baby in the house,” Katie replied with a slight giggle.
Jackson moved uncomfortably and Katie fluffed his pillow. He laid back and reached for the water that was always by his bed. He looked at Katie and told her that” He was ready and that he knew that it was going to be by the end of the week that he was going to be with the friends that he had lost in the last few years”. He smiled at her as he felt her flinch, and said, “I won’t leave you if you are not ready for me to, but I am ready to not suffer anymore. I can stay but I am only going to get worse and I would rather you all did not see me get any weaker.”
Katie started to cry and hugged Jackson as close as she could get him without hurting him. “I know it is selfish of me to say that I am not ready for you to leave me yet, but I can’t tell you how much I will miss you. I know you shouldn’t be suffering so I will let you go. I love you so much Jackson and there will never be one single day that I don’t think of you. You make life worth it, and after seeing how much strength you have had throughout this whole ordeal, never letting that beautiful smile leave your sweet face, you will forever be my inspiration in everything I do. I love you Jackson and I will never let go of you.”
Jackson hugged her close and said “I love you too Katie, thanks for being such a great big sister. There isn’t a better one out there and I am the luckiest little brother ever.” They both laid there quietly in bed. They woke up later to the smell of bacon frying and pancakes on the griddle. Mom always did make them breakfast in the morning. Pancakes were Jackson’s favorite. They ate breakfast and Jackson took a nap like he always did, only this time he wouldn’t wake back up. Katie sat in the corner and cried, because she didn’t think it would be that soon after he told her, that he would actually let go.
Suddenly snapped back to reality, Katie didn’t feel like she was alone anymore. She looked around carefully, and did not see anyone, but she felt as if she had a hand on her shoulder. She reached up with her right hand briefly touching her shoulder. Looking down at the ground she gathered her thoughts and looked at her watch. “I have to get home now before mom and dad starts worrying about me, I will come back to see you again tomorrow. I love you,” she said as her voice cracked. As she rose from the ground she put her fingers to her lips and kissed them, then she touched her fingers to the headstone. She leaned down to straighten the flowers and then turned to leave.
Walking home she still had that feeling that there was someone following her, but she could not see anyone, which made her a little more nervous about the feeling. She walked down the hill and turned left, looking at the trees sway as the wind blew softly, and quietly. She continued her walk home in a quiet slow fashion. She was not really in any hurry to get home, but she couldn’t sit there at “Jackson’s new home”. That is what she called his grave now, because she could not bring herself to look at it in any other way. In some way to her this was her way of keeping Jackson alive.
Walking up the street she noticed that the sun was starting to set. She did not mean to be gone so long. She was sure that her mom and dad were going to be unhappy with her for having been gone for so long.” I will just tell them I lost track of time,” she thought.
Katie didn’t know why she wasn’t able to tell her mom or dad where she going every day, but she did know that she didn’t want anyone knowing about it yet. She did everything she could to keep anyone from knowing that her daily routine included visiting her brother at his new home, and never leaving until she finished with the last tear for the day.
Wiping her face as she went up the stairs to the front door, Katie regained her composer, and went in the house.
Chapter 3
“I thought you were only going to be gone for an hour,” mom said as soon as Katie walked into the kitchen. “We were worried sick about you,” her mom said pulling her in tightly for a hug.
Katie rolled her eyes as she pulled away, turned her back to get a drink so that her mom could not see her and said “sorry, I lost track of time. I didn’t mean to stay there for so long.”
“Next time you need to make sure you get home on time. Are you ready for dinner? Your dad and I decided to go get pizza for dinner at your favorite restaurant Regillios,” mom said.
“I’m not really feeling like going out. I just want to take a bath and go to bed,” Katie replied as she pulled out a bagel and started to eat it.
“You need to eat more than just a bagel Katie. You cannot keep this up, you have to start going out and doing things again. Just because Jackson isn’t here anymore doesn’t mean that your life stopped,” her mom said in an assertive yet caring way.
“Fine if it means you will stop lecturing me then I will go
with you and dad to get dinner. And I know that my life hasn’t stopped. I go to the park every day, and I still see my friends there,” Katie said to her mom quietly.
“You are not the same since Jackson died and we are worried about you. This has to stop. You have to start talking to your father or myself about your feelings. You can’t keep holding it in,” her mom said.
“I know mom, but I am fine. Really, I am ok. Let me jump in the shower and I will be ready in about twenty minutes,” Katie said as she walked out of the kitchen to the upstairs bathroom.
She really did not want to do anything but go to bed, but she also did not want to continue to listen to her mom talk about moving on from Jackson. How could she say that? It isn’t that easy. It isn’t like he moved out of state or went off to summer camp, he was not ever coming back and it just keeps getting clearer by the day. Her mom and dad seem to think she is not dealing with it but she is dealing with it the only way she knows how. She visits him daily and continues to talk to him throughout the day to let him know that she has not and will not forget him.
Katie grabbed a pair of clean jeans and a t-shirt and jumped in the shower. She washed her hair and let the water run over her face. She hurried up since she told her mom she would be ready in twenty minutes. She quickly dried off, dressed and started brushing her hair out. As she was brushing her hair out, she got that feeling that she was not alone again.
This was a feeling that she had been trying to shake all day. It was something that she had felt very strong when she was at Jackson’s home today. What was very odd is that she could not figure out why it felt like she was being pushed to Jackson today, and why the rest of the day it felt like she was being followed everywhere she went today. Shaking the feeling away, she pulled her long blonde hair up in a messy bun, pulled on the hoodie that she had on the chair in her room and ran down the stairs to tell her parents that she was ready.
Katie's Angel Page 1
