“Well I am always willing to listen when you need an ear,” Katie replied as she walked up beside him. As they walked to the car together quietly, Jack walked a step closer and Katie slid her hand in his with a smile on her face.
The drive home was informative to both him and her. They both took turns asking questions about each other like their favorite colors, and their favorite type of music. It was nice to get to know someone that wasn’t so stuck on how perfect their lives were to truly care about if someone else was going through a hard time. Katie decided that instead of wasting any energy on thinking about all the other people who only act like the care when they feel that there is time in their busy lives that she would just focus on Jack and how good it felt to talk to someone who actually does seem to care.
As they got into town Katie got this sudden sick feeling in her stomach. She wasn’t sure what brought this feeling on, but she just knew that she was going to be in trouble for something when she got home. It was this feeling she had gotten as a kid whenever she had done something that her parents were not very happy with. She was not going to let this bother her until her parents got home from work tonight. She planned on enjoying that last little bit of time with Jack.
Katie was feeling a lot more at ease lately. It was a feeling that she was content with. She was so tired of being sad all the time. She was so tired of missing Jackson. As soon as she let that thought run through her mind she immediately felt guilty for it. She felt like she had betrayed Jackson in some way but thinking something like that. While trying to run the thought back through her mind in reverse so that it never came out, she felt that feeling of a hand on her shoulder again. She looked over and saw that both of Jacks hands were on the steering wheel, yet she still felt like there was a hand on her shoulder. It was that feeling that she had more and more these days that made her feel more at ease. It was a comforting feeling
As Jack turned onto their road, Katie felt the sudden urge to ask him, “Will you take me to the cemetery please?”
Jack was surprised by the request, and wasn’t truly sure if he should. The last time he was in the cemetery with her it hadn’t ended very well at all. He thought about it and without actually answering her he kept driving past her house.
“I’m sorry it was rude of me to ask you like that. You probably have plans. You don’t really have to take me there if you have other plans.”
“No it is ok. I don’t have any other place to go right this second. I can take you and drop you off.” He figured she only wanted a ride so he had just planned to drop her off and go home. He knew that he should be getting the car home soon anyways, so that he could get it washed and in the garage with the cover on it before night fall. It was something he made sure to do every time it was driven. To him it just made it keep its newness.
Looking at her hands, still in shock that she was actually going to say this to anyone, Katie replied, “I was actually hoping that you would stay with me. I need to see Jackson today, and it would be nice to have some company.”
She looked over at him, seeing the confusion on his face. “I promise I will not yell at you this time,” Katie said with a smile on her face.
Jack looked over and seeing that beautiful smile on her face, he knew he couldn’t say no to her about anything. She was so hard to tell no. With a smile on his face, he said “I will stay with you on one condition.”
Katie was caught off guard with his response. She looked at him a little confused. “Okay. What is the condition?” she asked slowly.
Jack waited for another second, looked over at Katie, smiled and replied, “You cannot tell Jackson how great I am. One time was enough.”
Katie could feel her face turning bright red. She now knew that he had heard everything she had said about him. There was no way she would ever be able to look him in the eyes again, she thought as she looked out the passenger side window. She had never been on embarrassed in her life.
Seeing that she was completely embarrassed Jack reached across the seat and grabbed her hand in his, and giggled, as they drove to the cemetery.
When they got out of the car, Katie was still completely humiliated but she knew that she needed to come here and share her story with Jack. He had shared his and now she knew that he was the one person she could trust with all of her thoughts.
Walking hand in hand to Jacksons’ grave, they didn’t speak a word. When they got to his headstone, Katie kissed her fingers and touched his name like always. She once again told him hi but this time she told him that she had brought someone with her. She knew that Jackson wouldn’t really care that she brought someone with her, but she felt like she owed him an explanation for coming twice in one day.
Jack just sat there and watched her as he could see the sadness that she had. It was something that he knew that she tried her hardest to hide, but it was very apparent that it ran very deep inside her. He knew that if she didn’t let that sadness come out that she would not be whole again.
Katie looked up at Jack and without any prompting or questions from him, she said, “Jackson was three years old when he became sick. Mom and dad took him to the doctors so often that mom almost quit her job. None of the doctors could figure it out, so they decided to run some blood tests. A week after they took all the blood, the doctors called my parents down to the hospital. When they came back my mom was still crying from the news. She stayed in her room for a week, because anytime she would look at Jackson she would start to cry. No one told either of us what was happening either.” Katie was looking at her hands by this point, and fiddling with the grass on the ground. This was the very first time she had told the entire story to anyone and oddly enough it felt right.
Jack just sat there a bit surprised that she was telling this story to him, but he wasn’t about to interrupt her with any questions. He listened intently as she continued.
“After that week mom had to come out because Jackson had to go back to the hospital for some other tests. He had to stay for two nights in the hospital. Dad and I stayed home, and I would ask him what was happening with Jackson, but he would just deflect my question by asking “do you want some ice cream?” or “lets pick out a movie to watch.” I knew that there was something going on and no one was willing to tell me what it was. Mom and Jackson came home and over dinner mom and dad shared the news. Jackson was sick. He had cancer and he would have to go through chemotherapy, but the cancer was a rare form and he may not make it.” Katie wiped a tear off her cheek. She had always had a hard time just thinking about that day that she was surprised that she was able to even talk about it.
After looking around the cemetery to see if there was anyone else there she continued, “Jackson went to his chemotherapy treatments and by the age of five things were going good. He seemed to be back to normal. We were always outside playing and enjoying each other’s company. Then at six he fell and hurt his arm. Mom took him to the hospital and they told mom that they suggest that he go back to the oncologist. Mom knew that it was possible that it was going to be an ongoing thing, but we never saw what they said to her coming. The doctor told mom that it had spread throughout his body and there was no way for them to treat it.”
Jack hated seeing her in pain like this. He moved closer to her and put his arm around her. Feeling completely at ease, Katie continued, “Jackson continued to go to school, and be normal. We all seemed to be acting like nothing was wrong in our lives. Then one morning when Jackson was seven, mom went to wake Jackson up, which was not something that was normal for her to have to do. He was usually the first one up. When she went in she saw that he was sweating so badly that his clothes were soaked. When mom touched him, his skin was scorching. Mom yelled down for dad to get the car, and we all took him to the hospital. The entire ride he never even fluttered one eye. When we got him to the hospital, they immediately admitted him, where he stayed for a month. He had caught a cold and instead of showing any signs at all, his immune system started to completely shut down.
He didn’t wake up for almost a week. It was the longest week of my life. I thought for sure he wasn’t going to come out of it. Then one morning he scared mom to death by saying “Why are you acting like someone died?” Mom to this day doesn’t think there was anything funny about his question, but if you had heard the way he said it you would be laughing for days as well.” Katie couldn’t help but giggle a little about that. It had truly been one of the funniest things that had ever happened at the hospital.
“He always had this positive attitude about him. He never once seemed like he was scared. It was as if he was born with this and didn’t know anything different.”
“When he left the hospital he was no longer able to be out of the house. He couldn’t go to school, the store or any other place that he loved to go. They were afraid that his immune system was so low that he would get so sick that he wouldn’t make it. They moved a hospital bed into the living room, because he was so weak that he couldn’t walk up the stairs. We moved all of his most important items to the living room, and made sure that he was comfortable. He lived like this for another year.”
“I would often go downstairs and watch him sleep. I couldn’t understand why he had to be the one that was sick. He was so little and frail. It just didn’t seem fair. For years now I have cursed God for taking such a little boy, who deserved to live his life. I was so mad and hurt, because he took such a perfect innocent little angel. After we lost him, no one in the house was the same. Sure mom and dad went back to work and I have seemed like I have moved past this, but there’s sadness in my house that I do not think will ever leave.”
Wiping the tears from her eyes with his shirt, Jack held her close. He knew something had happened with her brother, but he didn’t expect that it was something like this. No one should have to watch their love one have to suffer, especially when that loved one is just a little boy who can’t understand what is going on. Not sure what to say, Jack looked at Katie as she stared at Jackson’s headstone and said, “We never understand the reasons that God does the things that he does. If we ever started to understand it, it wouldn’t be normal. There are things in life that we are not ever supposed to understand. Those types of situations are the ones that bring those who mean the most to us, into our lives. And those are the ones that will forever mean something to us.”
“How can you be so positive? This isn’t something that you can just look away from and say that it should never have happened so I forgive God for taking someone that I loved so much away from me.”
“I know that but the thing about it is that it is not for us to forgive God, it is God who is to forgive us. We are here because of him. There had to be a reason that Jackson went to Heaven. You have to look at it this way. At least he is in Heaven and out of pain. He is with friends, and he is running around without a care in the world. He doesn’t have to worry about being in pain or having to spend another day in a hospital bed. He is happy. You have to believe that he is happy.”
Crying harder now, Katie couldn’t help but think about how much sense what he just said made. She knew that she would have to stop being so mad before she could completely heal, but she didn’t feel like she was ready for that step yet. “I know what your saying is true, but it isn’t that easy. Losing someone that is so close to you and so young and innocent, is never something someone wants to feel. We just have to deal with it.”
“Are you dealing with it though, Katie? You go through your days in a daze and you are not really talking to anyone. Even I can see this and I haven’t known you that long. You have to start to move on. It isn’t easy to do but it is something that has to happen. Not to sound mean but at least you don’t have to watch him suffer like I have to watch my mom suffer. I think it would be simpler to have lost her than it is to watch her suffer every day. She may not be suffering physically but she will not ever walk again, or do anything for herself. She has to rely on others to do simple things like feed her and even use the bathroom. So honestly be thankful that you don’t have to watch him suffer anymore. “
Katie felt like she had been knocked down. She knew that no one else would be willing to put it to her like that ever. Without thinking about it she wrapped her arms around Jack and held him close for what seemed like forever. When they separated Katie decided it was time to go home and try to do what he had just talked to her about. Move on.
Chapter 16
Katie walked in the house with a smile on her face. She couldn’t help but be in a great mood after having spent the entire day with Jack. Even though it at times turned into a tear fest, it was nice that someone knew exactly how she was feeling. It meant that she knew who she could talk to and not get the response that she knew she would get from her parents.
Walking into the kitchen she put the picnic basket on the cabinet. She started taking everything out of it and put it all away. As she was putting things away she heard some movement upstairs. She knew it was too early for her parents to be home. Her mom and dad both told her that they would be home later than normal because they both had to be at work for meetings afterwards. Telling herself that she was just hearing things she continued putting everything away.
As she was rinsing the dishes that she had used, Katie heard what sounded like footsteps upstairs. She put down the dish she was rinsing and shut the water off. She proceeded to the stairs and slowly crept up them quietly. As she neared the top she wasn’t expecting to see her dad standing there in front of her.
“Hi Katie,” her dad said with a smile on his face.
Caught completely off guard, Katie felt like she was going to fall backwards down the stairs. She quickly grabbed for the handrail to keep her steady. Catching herself, she looked at her dad and replied slightly out of breath, “Hi dad.”
Reaching for Katie’s arm, her dad looked at her quizzically. “Katie what is wrong with you? Why are you acting like you saw a ghost?”
“I just didn’t realize that anyone else was in the house. I thought you were working.” Katie replied as she finally caught her breath and her heart rate went back to normal.
“Well I have been home for about an hour. I am a little bit curious as to where you were? Were you out doing anything fun?” Half expecting a one word answer he was prepared to ask more in depth questions to get the real truth out of her.
“I was actually at the cemetery visiting with Jackson. I just felt the need to go there and talk to him,” Katie said without lying. She just left Jack out of the picture.
“That is nice that you went to visit him,” he replied as they started to walk downstairs together. “Have you done that often?”
“I have gone there a few times. Usually it is when I am really missing him most. It isn’t a big deal dad. Just a time for me to think about the times we spent together,” Katie replied without looking at her dad as she walked to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water. She didn’t want him to see that she wasn’t really telling the complete story. Yet at the same time she really did not feel like he needed to know anything about it.
“Well I am glad to know that you do go there to talk to him. At least you’re talking to someone,” her dad said looking at her to see her reaction. He knew that she was not telling him everything about her day, but he will get to the bottom of it soon.
With a roll of her eyes she just brushed his comment off. She was not going to have this conversation. She had to good of a day to let her dad ruin it. She drifted off into thought about her time with Jack. She couldn’t help but miss the feeling of his hand in hers. It was a feeling that she had never experienced before. It was a feeling that she never wanted to stop feeling. No matter what anyone else thought of Jack she knew that he was not a bad person. He was just trying to figure out why all the bad stuff in his life has happened, just like she seemed to wonder on a daily basis.
Her dad watched her as she zoned out from reality. He wondered if she was thinking about Jackson or that boy that her mom had said she saw her with the other day. He knew that
one day a boy would enter her world and nothing else would matter but he didn’t think it would have been this soon. He could still remember holding her in his arms right after she was born. The new baby smell, the diaper changes, the sleepless nights, all the bruises, scrapes, and of course the many Band-Aids that were used to cover them all. These were just the little things that he missed about her being so little. He didn’t want to start thinking about the big things, only because he knew that just thinking about them would bring tears to his eyes.
Katie had snapped back to reality because it was way to quiet in the kitchen. When Katie looked up she realized that her dad was staring at her. She knew that he was thinking about her when she was a little girl. He did this quite often since Jackson left home. He was never really happy with having her grow up, but the way he was staring at her like he was a madman had to stop.
“Dad, what are you looking at?”
“Sorry honey, I was just thinking about you as a little girl. You would always wait for me to get home and when I sat down in my recliner to relax, you would climb up in my lap and you would start telling me all about your day. Those were times that I would look forward to all day.”
“I know dad. You have told me that story a hundred times,” Katie said with a very bored voice.
Looking at his daughter, he just couldn’t understand why she just wouldn’t talk to him. They had always had a great relationship and it really bothered him that now that Jackson was gone, she wasn’t willing to talk about it.
Before her dad could say anything else, Katie got up and started to walk upstairs. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to avoid him for very long. She didn’t know why he came home early, but she was not in the mood for any questions or conversation.
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