"I like that."
"Yeah, it sounds good, right? I always think I'll see the two same guys if I go back, but maybe they've broken up. Maybe they've moved away. Maybe I could be one of them instead." Jay paused, running a hand along Eli's stomach, down towards his palms, where he linked hands with him. Eli squeezed back, understanding.
"You hear that?" Jay asked.
Eli listened, about to say no, when he realized the sound of nothing was exactly the point. The storm was really gone now. At the early hour, even some of the birds had come out. The sound of chirping came down from branches as if to announce to the world. "We're safe," Eli said.
"We are. But we should sleep." Jay squeezed his hand, kissing his fingers again. "Let's do that, and in the morning, we'll figure everything else out."
Eli nodded. Jay's free hand tilted his head towards his mouth. With another kiss, Eli turned back towards the horizon and fell asleep.
*~*~*
Eli woke up with a stiff back. He blinked after opening his eyes, the sunlight nearly blinding him. His face felt warm, but the air wasn't like yesterday—not a gross, muggy heat that made his t-shirt stick to his skin. Now it was just hot, just morning, and the realization of the night before came over him in a rush of feeling.
"Morning," Jay greeted. He leaned out the window by the farm house, his hair around his shoulders. He held a cigarette in one hand, blowing smoke out the window into the air. His familiar grin made Eli's stomach jump as he sat up.
"Morning."
"You rest okay?"
"Yeah. More or less. You been up long?"
"Nah. Sun rose maybe an hour ago, and I've been smoking and… reading." Jay's eyes glanced down at the black notebook full of names. His ticket was stuck on the outside edge, used as a bookmark. Eli's stomach swarmed again, this time with dread.
Before he could dwell on the feeling, Jay put out his cigarette. He tried to stand and stretch the best he could, but only bumped his knuckles on the roof. "I'm dying being in here for so long. You good to get out? I didn't see anyone around, and I've been watching."
With a sigh, Eli nodded. "But only if I can have a cigarette when we get to the station."
Jay dropped down the ladder with a laugh. "Never thought you'd ask."
Another fifteen minutes later, Eli was trying to keep the smoke in his lungs without coughing hysterically.
"I can't believe you never started. With the amount of tobacco in that place…"
Eli shrugged. "Tantoo hates it."
"Huh."
"What?" Eli asked, trying to look out over his smoke and still keep from coughing.
"Nothing. You called her Tantoo. Not grandma."
Eli flushed. He coughed as he took in another breath, then forced himself to hold it inside his lungs longer and longer. He tried to conjure up the image of Jay learning to smoke so he could mimic it—but he only saw Jay from the night before.
As if hearing the memory, Jay took a step closer to Eli at the station. There weren't many people around this early, and with a completely new staff at work for the day, they felt safe to be there. Jay had also changed his clothing from the night before, folding his jacket away into his backpack and keeping only a black t-shirt on. Eli still had on his jeans from yesterday and the oversized sweater. He didn't really want to take it off. There hadn't been a cop car yet, and no one seemed to notice them. For a while, it was like being in a small town.
"What?" Eli asked, when Jay still lingered. "Am I smoking wrong?"
"Nah. I just like you, Eli."
Eli smirked, a grin that felt like it belonged on Jay's face. "I like you, too."
Jay took the cigarette from Eli's hand and held it at the side as he pressed their mouths together. Eli could taste the smoke and the ash, but also the way the rain had felt last night in Jay's hair. Clean and comforting.
Then he remembered home. Eli thought of Tantoo—his grandmother, his only grandmother. She would be taken care of by the community, everyone always was. But Eli felt like he was part of that community, too. He didn't have a book of names like Jay had that could help him shrink the world—not yet. He was sure if he stayed, if he started to go outside and listen to more people who talked, maybe he would in the future. The future, though, was still smoke over the horizon right now. Eli tried to push it from his mind, and focused on the present. On Jay's hands on the back of his neck, his warm body by his side, and the way the sunlight felt on their skin. They were alone at the bus stop, even as people coughed and more busses came in. Their bodies, facing one another, could close out anything, so long as they were willing.
When the horn for a large Greyhound sounded, Jay sighed and pulled away. He bit his lip before rubbing a thumb against Eli's cheek.
"I think that's me."
Eli nodded. Jay handed him back the cigarette after taking a drag, but Eli couldn't smoke anymore. He realized they had never even talked about getting him a ticket. There was no hiding, no storytelling or dreaming that Eli was going to go with him. Either way, Eli let the words fall out of his mouth as if they were brand new.
"I can't…"
"I know."
"But maybe I will someday soon."
"Oh?" Jay asked. His eyes were bright, a new hope inside of them. People shuffled past both of them out on the terminal. Many had bags they needed put under the bus, so Jay didn't move from where he was—he still had time.
"Yeah," Eli added. "Just give me a couple days, let me think things through. A lot…"
"A lot has happened. But it needed to, I think."
"Yeah. Will we… Are we?"
"I think we're something, Eli Hogan. Whatever you want to call it, I'm good with it."
"How about partners?"
"Partner?" Jay laughed, long and loud. "That sounds like we're the cowboys this time around—and we're the ones robbing banks."
Eli paused, his back stiff again like he had just woken up. He was about to open his mouth and correct it, when Jay clasped his hand in his.
"Don't worry, I like it. And yes, Eli, we're partners. Always have been."
Jay leaned down for another kiss, but didn't linger. More people were next to them now, tittering under their breath. Eli wanted to reach up and shut off the world, like he had somehow managed to do last night. He wanted to take off his shirt and press their backs together, like they were one person and one mind again.
"Your bus'll come in an hour or so," Jay said.
"I know. I'll wait."
"Here, take some cigarettes. You can cook up a storm while I'm gone."
Eli laughed lightly, but couldn't take his eyes away from the bus in front of them. Five more people needed to get on.
"Give me a hug," Jay stated. "Then I really gotta go."
Eli went into his arms easily. He expected Jay to feel heavy—because of the backpack and his travel plans, but he was the same. The bag was even lighter than before, because Eli now had half the cigarettes and the bulky sweater. Instead, Eli felt the weight of his heart anchored to the place and the few kilometres north, where his grandmother was. Not forever, he reminded himself. Just until he could sort his mind out. Jay had to do this now, by himself, be solitary for a while and find some family across the journey. But in Toronto, they could find one another again. He knew this was his destiny, even if he had just made up his mind.
"I'll send you a card when I arrive; let you know I got there safely," Jay promised into his ear.
"Okay. That's good."
"It is. I love you, Eli."
"Love you…" Eli could barely finish the words before he felt Jay's lips on him again. Harder, urgent now. Eli moved with the kiss, allowing every last second. He had no idea there were so many types, so many feelings, that could be exchanged with lips and lips alone. He wanted to categorize and remember them all forever. "Hey," Jay said, putting their foreheads together. "I'm not afraid to leave, because I know we'll end well."
"Oh? How do you know?"
"I just do. Got the gift, no
w that my grandma's gone."
"I see." Eli bit his lip. Behind them, he heard the bus driver ask the final round of passengers. Jay looked around and signalled to the driver he was coming.
"Well, we'll talk."
"Of course. Goodbye, Eli."
"Goodbye, Jay."
Eli stood by the bench from the night before and watched as the bus trailed into the distance. It took Eli two full cigarettes before he remembered he needed to smoke them instead of just watching them burn.
*~*~*
Life went on, as it normally did on the rez. No one really asked why Jay hadn't come back from the city when Eli returned. Maggie filtered most of the questions about her family extremely well, taking over as the main matriarch and sometimes sharing duties with Gabi. Having so many sisters and cousins ended up working out extremely well for Jay and Eli—they were good at making news as well as making sure all of it went away. When Angie found out she was pregnant three weeks later, almost everyone had forgotten about Jay. Not in a bad way, of course. It was just like Tomson Highway, Eli figured. When you got out and you got out for good, there was no need for other people to keep mentioning you again and again. It just kept old ghosts alive if they did.
Eli went through some of the forms for school that Tantoo had gotten him. It was all really confusing, and Tantoo seemed to be working with out-of-date information. One afternoon, while Tantoo was still sleeping in early September, Eli used the phone in the radio station to track down where Mrs. Cherry had gone.
"Hello?" she answered, her voice strained. "Eli?"
"Hi." He paused, realizing he had called collect, so of course she knew it was him right away. "Yeah, Mrs. Cherry—it's Eli. Eli Hogan. Tantoo's grand—"
"I know, I know. It's just a nice surprise to hear from you. You can call me Jeanette now, you know. No need for Mrs. Cherry. I'm not your teacher."
"Well, thank you. Hi. How are you?"
"I'm fine. Tell me why you've called."
"Okay. So, I was going through all these forms my grandmother gave me for school. What do you think of them?"
"Well, I'd need to know what school first. And what papers she's talking about."
"Right! I'm no good at this…"
"You're fine, Eli. You just have so many thoughts…" She paused, and Eli could imagine her wearing red inside her kitchen, probably in a nice city outside Saskatchewan, looking out at the skyline. "You know in Ontario, at least, you can have a free education."
"What?"
"Of course. Why does no one at the school tell you guys these things? You don't pay for university. Small benefit of being Native."
"Oh." Eli's hands were heavy. The files he was holding were all for different schools in Saskatchewan and some other stuff from the Blackfoot Paper, which wasn't a school at all. He supposed, if he really sat down and thought about it, he had wanted to ask Mrs. Cherry if distance education was good. He had never really done anything on computers that long-term. But if he was going to go and see Jay from time to time in Toronto, he wanted to be sure he could still go to school.
On the phone, as Mrs. Cherry waited patiently for Eli to speak again, he realized he had already made up his mind. In a small way, at least. He was going to get a better education. Do the "something" that everyone on the rez told him to do. But he could leave the rez, he realized. He didn't have to carry his education around through distance. He could actually leave Saskatchewan, see Jay, and still go to school. These weren't exclusive options anymore.
"I think I'd like Ontario."
She laughed. "I think so, too. It's where I am now, actually. I teach at York."
"That sounds fancy."
"It is, but it isn't. You'll like it here. You should try."
Eli smiled. He now knew two people in the place where he wanted to go. He leaned against the phone booth and drew in a quick breath. The sun passed behind the clouds and he saw a few people around the reserve. He waited for a moment, just enjoying the silence.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, sorry Mrs.—I mean Jeanette. I'm fine. Thank you for talking to me."
"No problem. Say hi to your grandmother for me."
"Uh-huh. Bye now."
When Eli got back home, he found Tantoo on the couch, still asleep with her quilt in her lap. He leaned down and touched her shoulder gently.
"Hey, hey, Tantoo. You okay?"
She coughed a little, then grabbed her glasses off her string. "What's a matter, Eli?"
"Nothing. I was just talking to Mrs. Cherry about school."
"Oh. You've decided?"
Eli only smiled. Tantoo's dark eyes lit up and she flung her braids over her shoulders.
"Well, that's great news. Let me get dinner ready—you'll tell me all the details then?"
Eli nodded, though he had looked forward to springing the news on her at once. "Okay, Tantoo."
"Tantoo?"
"I mean grandma."
She narrowed her eyes and touched his shoulder. "Oh, boy, you're going to make me sad one day, aren't you?"
"Not any more than usual, I hope."
She nodded. For a moment, Eli saw something pass over her face. She looked beyond him, out the window, and then back to Eli. When Eli followed her gaze, he noticed the gray sky from before was now almost black. Rain pelted the window—and from the way the puddles looked around the neighbour's truck, it had been like that for some time. Lightning—then thunder—followed in quick succession.
"You're not scared, dear?"
Eli paused and glanced down. With the white school forms in his hand, he could see how steady they were.
"You're not hiding, either," Tantoo said with a grin. "I thought when you woke me up, the storm was why."
"Nah. I guess… I guess I'm okay."
Eli smiled. The last storm he could remember was the one in the tree house with Jay. As much as he wanted to romanticise that night in order to tell the story about Jay the Healer, Eli also didn't want to take away the power from himself. He was the one no longer afraid—of storms, or of the future.
"Oh, no," Tantoo said.
"What?"
"Nothing too bad." She smirked as she rose from the couch. "Sometimes we just outgrow our beginnings. But that's okay, because they make room for better endings."
"I guess so."
As Tantoo moved into the kitchen, Eli stayed in the small living room. When he was sure Tantoo was consumed with folding flour into oil for fry bread, he pushed the couch away from the wall. Behind dust and old threads from her quilts, he found the singed carpet that split the place in two. His hand moved over the two sides of the house, skipping back and forth across the lines and imagining himself changing states each time. From nothing to something, Eli knew he would always be straddled like he was just then—no matter where he ended up.
Eli pushed the couch back and then moved to the window again. He looked from the storm on the horizon, down to the papers for school, before he felt Jay's phantom hands on his body. A sudden pang in his stomach followed—not for sex, not for desire, but something else. Something deeper. He wasn't afraid of the storm, but he still needed something out of it.
"Hey, Tantoo. Your car still around?"
"Yes, dear," she said, peering up under her glasses. "I'm gonna have to get used to that name, aren't I?"
"If you don't mind."
She shrugged. "Sure."
"So… I can go for a drive? Just a quick one…"
"Of course. Dinner will be ready whenever you get back."
*~*~*
At the post office, Eli moved to the PO box that he and Tantoo used. There weren't too many bills on the rez, but sometimes the tribal council or the family they had scattered along Canada sent something. After pawing through a couple old letters and coupons for places that he had never heard of, Eli pulled out the one thing he knew would be there.
Jay's postcard had a picture of The CN Tower on it, clearly bought at the first stop off the bus in Toronto. The words weren't much—a
small I'm here in all caps—but it was enough to satisfy Eli for now.
"Do you have any postcards?" Eli asked the attendant. He handed over a stack of five, and Eli began writing.
I'll be there soon. For school! I've decided now. The future is good. By the way, Mrs. Cherry says Hi. I love you.-Eli
He scratched out Mrs. Cherry and replaced it with Jeanette, and then the letter was perfect.
EPILOGUE
Eli set down the worn copy of Dry Lips Oughta Move to Kapuskasing, sliding in another postcard to mark his place. Travelling still gave him a little bit of worry, so he attempted to pronounce and pronounce again the odd title in his mind. He was going over the names of the characters and the stage directions just as he pulled up into the Greyhound station lot.
"Welcome to Toronto. Union Station, where many of you will start the next leg of your journey, is just around the corner. Please remember to take all of your belongings and have a great day."
Eli shifted in his seat. He didn't have much with him—a backpack filled to the brim with clothing, plus another bag for books and small toiletry items. He had still left quite a bit with Tantoo in their house. She wasn't going anywhere, and it felt odd to completely leave the place where he had spent so much of his life so far. So he left behind some of his clothing and a few notes for Tantoo to find around the house. The Tomson Highway book—and especially the postcards that Eli used as bookmarks—were the absolute necessities that Eli kept close by his side.
Once he was off the bus, Eli looked around at the city. The skyscrapers were intimidating, especially as the gray sky loomed close overhead. Eli did his jacket up to his throat and turned the corner. Union Station, where Jay and Eli had planned to meet, seemed like it was at the centre of everything. Eli barely noticed the snow that had started to fall. Only when he was forced to stop at a busy crosswalk did he see the white flakes against a woman's jet-black coat. He hugged his jacket closer to his body until he pushed through the large Union Station doors. The tall ceilings, along with the glass doors, let the small light from the outdoors inside.
Next to the ticket centre and foreign exchange office were brown benches and even more benches. Eli scanned them quickly, trying to locate Jay. They had been planning this trip for months now—through many letters, postcards, and a few cross-country calls. Jay was staying with a friend of his family, who were going to put the two of them up for the night, until Eli's dorm room supervisor at York allowed him to move into campus. Then classes would start for the second semester. Anything beyond that, Eli didn't want to think about.
The Life and Death of Eli and Jay Page 9
