Hazardous shmazardous! This is the last straw. The world won’t have Erik Failenheimer to kick around anymore. If they won’t respect me as a brilliant scientist, maybe they will respect me as a brilliantly EVIL scientist! Yes, that’s it! I’ll be patient until I figure out what’s so important about this space station, and then I’ll take it for myself! Take it and use it to become the MOST POWERFUL BEING ON EARTH! IN THE GALAXY! IN THE UNIVERSE!
Chapter 13
Okay. So that was my trip across the galaxy. I tried my best to describe it, but trust me, it was waaaayyyy cooler than I could even make it sound! At least it’s down on paper, though, in case my memory gets fuzzy later on. Come to think of it, I probably should have left the parts about Bula out. The less of her in my memory, the better.
But back to what’s going on now—my science class just took a shuttle bus back to the space station for a field trip. I say “back” since that’s where our LIV spaces are and we just took the shuttle from there to the school this morning. Couldn’t we have slept in and met Mr. Jeddee here? Anyway, he wants us to take a look at what’s going on in one of the laboratories. I don’t know many people on the station yet. Unfortunately, it turns out I’m pretty familiar with the scientist in charge of this particular lab.
Aww, man. Of all the scientists in all the laboratories on this whole space station, it would be just my luck to end up with my dad. And his “jokes.” I won’t live this down anytime soon.
Oh, and look—it gets even better. He has Bula with him. Super. Don’t know why she’s not in her preschool class. It must be Bring a Whiny Pest to Work Day.
“Follow me,” says Dad. “Our lab is at the end of the corridor.”
“Well, here we are!” says Dad as we reach the end of the corridor. Two metal doors slide apart with a swoosh, and we all step inside.
Whoa! This is the most humongous laboratory I’ve ever seen! I’ve been to all the ones Mom and Dad worked in back home, and none of those were even close. And I’ve watched Dad work on hundreds of robots before, but nothing like these. That one by the platform must be at least a hundred feet tall!
Rand-El taps me on the shoulder. “Wow!” he says. “Your dad made those?!”
“Pretty much. He designed them and sent the plans through the wormhole months ago. They were assembled before we got here.”
“Wow! It must be a blast living with your family! My dad’s area of expertise is soil. You know… dirt.”
“Dirt, eh?” says Dad. He must have overheard us. “I can dig it. HAR!”
Rand-El leans toward me. “And he’s hilarious, too!”
Hilarious? That word must have a different meaning on Rand-El’s planet. Like “not funny.”
“Does anyone have any questions before we get started?”
“This place is huge! Are you the only scientist in here?”
“Only one? Heck, I’m not even the only Professor Klosmo here.”
“You mean you have a clone?!”
“No. A wife. And she probably thinks one of me running around here is plenty.”
“Actually, it’s one too many.”
“HAR! This is the other Professor Klosmo. She’s a neuroscientist. She works with brains. We share this lab because we’re working on a project together.”
They go on to explain how they’re attempting to put people’s minds into robotic bodies. They even demonstrate how the mind-transfer beam works.
“So there you have it. Are there any more questions?”
“Yeah. What happens to the person’s body once the mind is out of it and in the robot?”
“Well, not all of the mind actually transfers into the robot. A tiny portion remains in the brain. Not enough to think, but just enough to perform basic functions like moving around and eating and going to the bathroom. Sort of like Grandpa Karl, eh, Kelvin? HAR!”
“Or Bula.”
“Speaking of Bula… where is she?”
“I thought you had her.”
“I thought you had her!”
“Bula!” Mom screams. “How did you get up there?”
“She must have gone up the elevator and crawled across the catwalk,” Dad says. “Keep her busy. I’ll go and get her.”
Apparently, the elevator can only be controlled with the buttons inside the elevator car. And it’s stuck at the top, where Bula left it. So Dad starts to climb up the framework as my classmates look on in awe. About halfway up, Dad’s foot slips off the cross brace and he’s flailing for something to hold on to. The kids gasp. Mom screams.
The kids all laugh. Dad makes his way to the top, grabs Bula, and brings her down the elevator. When they reach the bottom, Mom runs over to hug Bula, while my whole class cheers wildly. This field trip turned out way better than I expected!
Chapter 14
“So, were you worried about me up there?”
“Not a bit. I had my finger over the Gravity Off button the whole time.”
“Really? That’s cheating!”
“Hey, I didn’t want you falling on your head—your jokes might get even worse. The kids loved your bravery, anyway. It’s just a shame we can’t tell them the truth about what we’re doing here.”
“I hear you, but that’s sort of the point of a top secret project. Besides, the last thing a bunch of twelve-year-olds need to worry about is their universe being destroyed by a super energy orb.”
“Well, I still feel bad about lying.”
“I wouldn’t call it lying, exactly. We really are putting living minds into robots. Just not quite for the reasons we said. And unless somebody finds a way to prevent flesh-and-blood beings from turning to goo when they get anywhere near that Zorb, our project is the only chance we’ve got.”
“What about the remote-controlled robot experiments they’re conducting over in laboratory six? Hasn’t that group made any progress?”
“Nope. The Zorb’s energy jams the signal whenever one of the robots gets close.”
“Then it looks like it’s all up to us. The sooner we recover the Zorb and secure it in that containment chamber, the better I’ll feel. I can’t even imagine what might happen if it fell into the wrong hands.”
So that’s what they’re up to! I knew there had to be more going on. A superpowerful energy source capable of destroying the entire universe? Now, that is something that Erik Failenheimer must possess! And possess it Erik Failenheimer shall!
I will transfer my own brilliant mind into the body of that enormous robot. YES! Let those clodhopping Klosmos do all the research and all the work. I, Erik Failenheimer, will reap the benefit! I, Erik Failenheimer, will receive the final glory!
And now, with a simple pull of this lever, I will finally have the spectacular body my brilliant brain so richly deserves! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
But wait. Perhaps I shouldn’t rush into this. Perhaps I should be patient and find out more about this orb and its true capabilities. Perhaps I should take the time to thoroughly read through the mind-transfer beam’s instruction manual before I use it on myself.
Nah.
Chapter 15
Word of Dad rescuing Bula from the robot head is spreading through the hallways like the smell of the boiled glootnip the cafeteria served today. So is talk about how “hilarious” he is. That’s right. My dad and “hilarious” in the same sentence—without the word “not.” Either (a) I’ve been misjudging him all these years, or (b) the rest of the universe has a terrible sense of humor.
“Hey, Kelvin. What happens when you give a splornax a bowl of glootnip?”
“Uh… I don’t know.”
“Me either, but I sure wouldn’t want to find out! HAR!”
Uh… yeah. I’m pretty sure it’s (b). And did he just say “HAR”? Please tell me he did not just say “HAR.”
On the bright side, it looks like I won’t have to spend the rest of my time here being embarrassed by my parents. The kids at school seem to think they’re actually pretty cool. Kinda makes me wonder what their parents must b
e like.
I feel a tap on my shoulder. It’s Zot.
“That was pretty awesome this afternoon. The field trip, I mean.”
“Yeah. I guess you don’t see something like that every day.”
“Hardly ever! It must be neat to live with such cool parents.”
See what I mean?
“Anyway, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get together after school and go over the…”
Hey, that’s her—the girl from my geography class! Boy, I didn’t have any girls like her in my schools back on Earth. Well, Wendy Trasnik was pretty cute. But she didn’t glow. This girl actually seems to glow. Her eyes are different colors, too. And I don’t mean from each other. Each one is made up of a bunch of different colors, kind of like that kaleidoscope I had when I was little. And those teeth! They’re as perfect and white as…
What? Oh no. Please tell me Luna didn’t hear that.
No, no, no, no, no! This can’t be happening! “Who is this Neanderthal, anyway?” I ask Spotch.
“Oh, that’s Dorn,” he says. “Biggest bully in the school. In fact, he’s pretty much the only bully in the school. And the kid with him is Teddy, but everybody calls him Backpack. I think Dorn’s mom is the head of security for the whole space station. I’ll tell you one thing—you do not want to get on his bad side.”
“Does he have any other kind?” I say. “What’s he got against me, anyway?”
“Who knows,” says Spotch. “Maybe you remind him of his parole officer.”
Dorn comes over and takes my helmet down off my locker.
“Nice helmet. Do you fit into it?”
“Well… uh… I…”
“Let’s see.”
“Hey! I guess so! Now let’s see if you’re smart enough to get out. Ha!”
Chapter 16
I’ll say this for my new school—it’s not dull. Painful sometimes, but not dull. And now I’m starving.
“Did you learn anything today?” Mom asks.
“I guess so.” I actually learned four things today:
1. My whole body can fit into a space designed only for my head if enough force is applied.
2. It takes two people thirteen minutes to pull me back out again.
3. When you’re thirteen minutes late for gym class, Coach Ed makes you run ten laps around the gymnasium wearing triple-gravity boots.
4. I hate triple-gravity boots.
All of which led to my current starvation situation.
“I’m really hungry, Dad. What’s for dinner?”
“Synthesized hot dogs! And I must say, they look delicious!”
Of course they look delicious. The food synthesizers in our LIV-space kitchens do a great job of, as the brochure says, “re-creating the look of your home planet’s most popular dishes.”
And I guess that’s true. I mean, it looks like you’re eating a hot dog. It feels like you’re eating a hot dog. But it tastes like you’re eating a hot-dog-shaped tube of pencil erasers. Which is probably why Bula likes them so much. It’s also why it’s strange that she’s bawling her eyes out, since this is her favorite meal.
“What’s wrong with Bula?” I ask. “I mean besides all the obvious stuff.”
“She can’t find Fluffles,” Mom says. Dad shakes his head. “We’ve turned this place over looking for him. It’s like he just got up and walked away.”
Bula’s crying gets worse the more we talk about it. All this whining is getting on my last nerve. I kind of wish I had climbed up that robot today before anyone knew she was in there and locked the dome. After all, it’s probably soundproof. Hey… wait a minute!
I look at Dad. “Did she have Fluffles when you pulled her out of the robot this afternoon?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think so.” Dad’s getting excited now. “Hurry up and finish eating, and we’ll go down to the lab and take a look!”
After dinner Dad, Bula, and I head down to the lab. She’s stopped bawling, but now snot is hanging out of both nostrils. When she breathes in, it gets sucked back up into her nose. Then she breathes out and it dangles down again. Over and over like two slimy yo-yos. Man, little sisters are gross.
We enter the lab, and as we head for the elevator, we see something on the ground near the robot’s foot.
It’s Fluffles. Yikes! It looks like he fell into a blender or something. Dad picks him up. “What the heck happened to you, fella?” he says as he hands Bula the plushy. As soon as she gets a good look at it, she of course starts bawling again. Even worse than before.
Dad takes Fluffles from Bula and heads over to his workbench. “Don’t worry, sweetie. We’ll clean him up, fix him up, and make him even better than he was before.” Really, Dad? You’ve got some industrial-strength snot remover in your toolbox?
Chapter 17
Ugh… what happened?… Why am I in the dark?… And why do I feel like I was hit by a bus… and fell over a cliff… and landed in a truck full of broken glass… that then blew up?
Wait! The mind-transfer beam! Now I remember. I wonder if it worked. It’s so dark that I can’t see anything. I wonder if my eyes are open. I wonder if I even have eyes to open.
There! My vision is returning!
There I am, down below! Which means my mind is up here in the robot! YES! It worked! The brilliant mind of Erik Failenheimer now resides within one of the most powerful robots in the galaxy! Who would dare challenge me?! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
I think I’ll take my new body out for a spin. Just a step to begin with.
It feels like I took a step. A really little one. But the robot didn’t move. This might take some getting used to. Let’s try flapping the arms.
Hmm. Maybe if I try bending over and touching my toes.
What is this?! I’m not hard and cold and metallic-I’m soft and warm and fuzzy!
Zarfloots!! I look like a chewed-up dog toy! Oh, this is just great. I’ll really strike fear into the masses now. And how do I even get down? Maybe there is something on the robot that I could…
NOOOOO! Drat these slippery, fuzzy feet! From ruler of the universe to a lifeless splat on some laboratory floor in deep space. Life just isn’t fair.
Hey! What do you know? I guess that’s one advantage over my old body. Wait! My old body! I’ve got to get it out of here before anyone sees it. But… it’s gone! I must have-I mean he must have wandered off. Just as well. At least I don’t have to worry about anyone finding-
Zarfloots! Someone is coming! I better play dead.
I hear voices. It sounds like they’re coming this way! Please just keep on walking. Please don’t…
… pick me up. Oh, wonderful! As if I haven’t been humiliated enough today, now I’m being manhandled by that insipid scientist. It’s okay, Erik. Just stay calm and motionless. You’ve made it this far. It can’t get any worse.
Seriously?! Why couldn’t that fall just have killed me? What’s going on now? Where is Klosmo taking me? It’s a bench. I guess this isn’t so terrible. Nothing bad ever happened to anybody lying on a bench.
Are you kidding me? How about you just throw me into a pit of starving alligators? Maybe run over me a few times with a lawn mower. Slather me with honey and toss me to a bear cub.
Hey, now! This turned out way better than I expected. I actually look rather handsome, if I do say so myself. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
Chapter 18
What a morning. I woke up late, so I had to skip my synthesized scrambled-eggs-and-bacon breakfast. Not that I really minded—they taste pretty much like the synthesized hot dogs. And the synthesized pizza. And the synthesized lemonade. The real issue was not having enough time to gel my hair after my daily run-in with the Vacuu-Suk 3000. I spend most of Ms. Gassias’s first-hour math class using the old saliva-in-the-hand method to get it to lie down. My success level is not high.
Sci-Fi Junior High Page 3
