Never before had he considered what his father had done to his mother. Never had he thought about how betrayed and lonely his mother must have felt.
He was a selfish bastard for missing that.
“Thanks, Mom. I’m glad you’re in Thomas’s life.” He hugged her back before stepping away.
Just as Alaina’s scream echoed from above.
Ten
Alaina shot upright on the bed where she’d fallen asleep on top of the covers. The nightmare filled her brain like toxic fumes. Except it wasn’t a dream. It was a memory, but from five years ago. One she hadn’t forgotten but had instead pushed back because it was too painful to remember on a daily basis.
Why was she dreaming of an ex-boyfriend now? Of that hellish last time she’d seen Douglas? Of what he’d done to her?
Porter charged through the door, looked around the room as if searching for an intruder, then rushed to their bedroom, his face filled with concern—and fear. “Alaina, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Thomas started shrieking in the next room, his plaintive cries cutting through the fog in her mind. She slid her feet off the bed. “I need to go to him—”
Courtney called from the open doorway, apparently having followed her son upstairs, “I’ll take care of the baby. You two...talk. I promise not to drop him,” she said in a halfhearted joke that fell a little flat. Then she left, heels clicking double time down the hall.
Heart still racing, Alaina waited until her son’s cries quieted at Courtney’s cooing and only then did she sag back against the headboard. Porter crossed to close the door, then returned to her, sitting on the edge of the bed while she tried to catch her breath. Returning to the present was tough. The night terror’s claws were still buried deep in her.
Porter stroked her tangled hair back from her face. “What’s going on?”
“I had another nightmare about Douglas.” It seemed a pale word for what she’d experienced. Especially since the event had really happened to her five years ago.
She shivered at the thought. Intellectually, she knew it was long ago, but it felt so much closer to the present because of the amnesia. The chill settled deep in her gut and she tugged the down comforter tighter around her even though it made no sense that she would be so cold.
“How was this dream different from the other one about him?”
“This time, he didn’t just stalk me, or slap me. Douglas hurt me...more. So much more.”
He went still. Very still. “More?”
“You know what I mean.” She made a vague gesture with her hands, as if they could speak what she hated to verbalize.
“I’m not sure I do.”
“You must know.” She looked up at him sharply. “We were married for almost four years. You have to know what he did to me.” A desperate, fearful note entered her voice as she searched his face. Hoping the answers were there.
It was bad enough she had to relive it in her dreams. She didn’t want to. So many times she’d resented that Porter needed to fill in the blanks in her memory. But she didn’t want to recall one second more of this than she already did.
His eyes narrowed. “You told me how he verbally abused you. Your fights escalated and he hit you. You left him because of that, then he stalked you. Completely unacceptable, and you told him it had to stop.” He grabbed for her hand gently.
A simple touch, but it gave her the courage she’d been lacking.
A courage that was all the more necessary as she realized she might have omitted a very big facet of her past from him. Why would she have done that?
“I honestly never explained to you what happened after I left him?” she pressed. “Why I got the restraining order?”
“I assumed you spoke with the police right away.” He frowned. For an odd moment their roles were reversed as she had answers that he didn’t know about.
She couldn’t say she liked the feeling on this side of the fence, either. “I did speak to the police, then and later. And you really don’t know this? You never did a background check on me?”
“I’m insulted you would think that of me.”
“You seem like the kind of guy who would learn as much as you could about an important person in your life.”
“I seem like a control freak, you mean?” A laugh escaped his lips, an effort to put her at ease she realized.
“No, um, you just seem assertive.” She searched for the right words but her nerves were so damn frayed. “Detail oriented.”
“Well, that’s diplomatic.”
She dropped her gaze, cheeks burning at the memory. The reality catching in her throat. “You’re not like Douglas at all.” She understood that absolutely. “But I think maybe since I woke up from the coma I’ve been fearing that you’re like him. That the amnesia upsets the balance of control between us, and on some level that’s been frightening to me.”
“I’m not sure I’m following what you’re trying to tell me.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What happened that gave you nightmares? Did you remember the time he showed up here?”
She looked up sharply. “He came here?”
“Once, yes, he did. You freaked out. I arrived home just in time, and...” He clenched his hands in fists. “I hit him and the police were called. He did a little time in jail for violating the restraining order and that was that. We never saw him again. Last I heard he got arrested for assault and is back in prison.”
That must have been what Sage saw. There wasn’t some other man she’d been seeing during her marital troubles. There hadn’t been cheating in the marriage because no way in hell would she have ever, ever slept with Douglas again. And thank God, he was out of her life, unable to reach her.
Relief melted through her, dulling the edges of her fear enough that she could say the words out loud to Porter.
Her husband, a man who’d been there for her, who supported her as an equal. She might not have shared the full truth before, but she needed to share it now.
“Douglas did more than hit me once before we split up. When he started stalking me, I thought he would lose interest in time but it got worse.” Even thinking about it, just remembering those months brought back the old terror, and then the pain.
Porter rubbed a hand along her back in soothing circles, staying silent but present, waiting.
“One night, after work, he was lurking around my apartment. I don’t know how many times he’d done it before. He said he’d been watching me, studying my habits. And the time had come for us to be together again.”
A breath hissed between Porter’s teeth.
“Usually I had someone walk me to my car, but not that night. So yes, he’d probably been waiting every night and stayed away those other times because he was such a coward. He would have never dared come after me if I had a protector.”
“Please don’t say you’re blaming yourself for whatever happened. You have to know you didn’t deserve the hell and the betrayal that bastard brought into your life.”
“No, I don’t blame myself. I understand he would have found me alone sometime. It’s impossible to stay on guard 24/7. He preyed on me because my family was dead and I had very few connections to check up on me.” She said the words by rote, knowing them to be true, but still wondering what else she could have done. Maybe she should have moved across the country. “It’s not unreasonable to expect to live my life.”
His throat moved in a hard swallow. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
She covered his hand quickly, realizing she should have told him right away. “He didn’t rape me, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“I’m not thinking anything. I’m waiting for you to tell me.”
She exhaled hard. “He beat the hell out of me in the parking lot. Completely. He hit me and kicked
me, damn near killed me before he walked away as if we’d just had a disagreement over what cereal to have for breakfast. I crawled into the car and tried to drive myself to the hospital.”
“Why wasn’t he locked away for good, then?”
Alaina picked at an imaginary piece of lint. The memory swelled before her again, rising up in the depths of her stomach. She took a steadying breath. She needed more air in her lungs. “Family connections and a good lawyer were able to convince a jury my injuries resulted from driving into a ditch as I tried to take myself to the hospital.”
“The auto accident that made it difficult for you to conceive.” A flicker of understanding passed over his face.
“Yes. Except it wasn’t an accident. And the jury didn’t believe it, in spite of the restraining order. His lawyers said I was unbalanced and trying to set him up. They convinced the jury.”
“That’s such bull,” he blurted out.
“I agree.”
She’d felt so helpless and alone without even someone to sit by her side in court. She’d isolated herself from everyone but her work friends by then, not wanting Douglas to lash out at someone close to her. It was the double cruelty of domestic abuse—an abuser isolated a woman and then, scared and mortified, a woman isolated herself more.
“What happened?” he asked.
“In the end they settled on a restraining order against both of us.” She stared at her hands. “And you truly didn’t know this? I never told you?”
“You didn’t.” He shook his head, and then, looking at her, his shoulders tensed. “I hope you believe me.”
“I do believe you, actually. But that makes me wonder why I didn’t share this before now, though.” Had she clung to some kind of old sense of shame? Or simply hoped for a new start? “It’s strange, especially since that played a part in our inability to have kids—you said it was both of us, though.”
“It was. The scar tissue around your fallopian tubes and my low sperm count worked against each other.” He took her hands in his. “But that’s all a moot point. I am so sorry for what you went through.”
“You’re not angry with me for not telling you?”
“I’m...frustrated. I wish I’d known. I wish you’d trusted me enough to tell me.”
She wanted to ask him what was wrong between them that she wouldn’t share something so important, but maybe he was puzzling through that even now. What was wrong with her? Why hadn’t she trusted him? That question scared her most of all because in spite of her concerns since coming home from the hospital, she’d grown closer to him over the past couple of weeks. She could see them building a life together with their child.
But that nightmare was a threat to her future. She could feel it. A simmering unease filled her, rooted in the fact that she hadn’t trusted him with such fundamental knowledge about her as a person. She hadn’t confided her deepest fears to him and she didn’t like what that revealed about their relationship. Or at least, their old relationship.
Was it foolish of her to hope they had started to build something stronger than what they’d had? Something that could really last? More than anything, she wanted to keep the connection they’d found. Especially when she felt so completely adrift in the world.
She needed Porter. Needed to reclaim that connection to him on an elemental level.
* * *
The last thing Porter expected right now was for Alaina to push him back onto the bed and straddle his lap. No doubting her intent, though. She planned for them to have sex. Now.
She unbuttoned his shirt with impatient fingers, crawling up his chest as she leaned down to kiss him. Thoroughly. With open mouth and open passion.
Sweeping his shirt away, she kissed her way down his chest, pausing to circle his flat nipples with her tongue. His body reacted even as his mind shouted to know what the hell was going on with her.
She kissed lower and lower still, unzipping his fly and freeing him. Stroking. Inching closer until her mouth closed over him and his head dug back into the pillow. Her tongue circled him, her hand working up and down the length of his shaft. His fingers twisted in the sheets as he held back the urge to pulsate to completion.
His heartbeat throbbed in his ears. Sweat beaded on his brow from the restraint of holding back.
She looked up at him through her lashes with a sultry expression. He wanted her to have whatever she needed, whatever would bring them closer, even on an elemental level.
His hands roamed along her shoulders and he lifted her upward before he lost control altogether. Even though it damn near killed him to stop.
He owed her the honesty he’d planned for the New Year. Except he couldn’t seem to dismiss the knowledge that she hadn’t been honest with him for their entire marriage, and about such an important part of her past.
A huge, daunting piece of her. Obviously, the fact that she’d battled through that nightmare of a relationship didn’t change how he felt about her. But he worried what it suggested she felt about him that she’d withheld the truth.
“Alaina—”
She tapped his lips before sweeping off her nightgown. “Don’t even try to talk me out of this. I know what I want. I know what I need. You. Now.”
The sight of her naked other than her panties stunned him silent and made him burn to have her. Only her words stopped him short.
Did she sense that they were headed for trouble once she remembered? Did she know on some subconscious level that memories of their marriage were not all good? Is that why she wanted this moment before their future was taken away?
And then he realized he couldn’t do this. Not this way, with so many secrets between them. He couldn’t make love to her again until they had more level ground between them. She deserved better from him.
She’d been hurt enough. He couldn’t undo his past deceptions. But he could start fresh now and be the man she deserved.
He scooped up her nightgown, the silky fabric still warm from her body. He resisted the urge to press the nightie to his face and take in the scent of her.
Porter cleared his throat and tossed the gown onto the bed. “Alaina, this may be the right time for you, but it’s not the right time for me.”
She angled up and stared down at him, horror on her face. “Did what I told you about Douglas turn you off?”
Guilt kicked him. How could she think that? He hated that she’d entertained that thought for even an instant.
Sexy as hell, she was all defiance and challenge, inventing obstacles when they needed to talk. Really talk.
“No, I don’t think that. Not at all.” He sat up and wrapped a sheet around her. “I want you so much my teeth hurt. But, now that you’re having these nightmares and flashes of memories, I wonder if we should be careful.” His mind was racing with—hell, he didn’t know what exactly. He just felt unsettled. “What if all of this is too much for you, stirring up too many emotions too fast, upsetting you. Maybe we should talk to the doctor again about working on helping you recover your memory.”
She bowed her head, eyes averted. “Do you see me as flawed?”
The defiance slid away, leaving behind a vulnerability that rocked him.
He touched her chin, tipping her face so she could see the truth in his eyes. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I care about you. I want what’s best for you.”
“Care? You care about me,” she hissed, stepping backward. “Be honest with me, Porter. Did we love each other?”
They did. So much. And yet still, he’d lost her. They’d decided to divorce, only reconciling temporarily for the baby.
“Then what’s stopping you now? I don’t understand.”
Of course she didn’t because he was holding back so damn much from her. He kept their past a secret out of fear of destroying this new peace between them, this chanc
e to rediscover what they’d had.
The thought of losing her again shredded what was left of his restraint. “Nothing’s stopping me.” Not tonight. “Absolutely nothing.”
He angled forward to kiss her and her purr of approval vibrated up her throat. Things were so right here between them. If only the outside world and concerns—and memories—didn’t lurk just outside that door.
For now, he would have her, take and give all he could, hope that she would feel and understand how much she meant to him. He rolled her to her back on the bed, the mattress giving beneath them. With sure but swift hands, he swept off the rest of his clothes and her panties, his urgency sending them fluttering to the floor.
Her milky white skin glowed in the moonlight beaming through the window. She took his breath away.
“Alaina, I could never see you as anything but beautiful, magnificent. Mesmerizing. You take my breath away now every bit as much as you did then. I want you, Alaina, every single day, every minute since I met you, I have wanted you.”
When they’d first been married, he’d taken his time learning every curve of her, every freckle and dimple. They’d both talked of being made for each other. How had he lost sight of that?
Almost lost her?
He stretched out over his wife. Flesh to flesh. Truly becoming one as he slid inside her. Moved within her. The warm clamp of her body around him made his heart hammer harder in his chest,
Framing her face in his hands, he kissed her, openmouthed, tongues mating, as well. He couldn’t be close enough to her. Wanted more. He wanted forever. The reality of that exploded inside him, filling every corner. It wasn’t just about making a family or being parents together. This was about being her husband, her lover, her love.
His feelings for her were more intense than before, steeled by the challenges they faced. He wouldn’t take her or what they had for granted.
He loved her.
Three simple words that unleashed everything inside him, sending him over the edge into throbbing release as her cries of completion breathed over his ear. Her fingernails dug into his back as if she ached to stay anchored in this moment every bit as much as he did.
A Christmas Baby Surprise: Reclaimed by the Rancher Page 13
