by JJ Smith
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, THE TRIGGERING EVENT
Once you realize you are fat, overweight, or obese—whatever you choose to call it—there has to be a clear acknowledgment of the problem. You may not know whether you are eating the wrong foods, struggling with emotional eating, or have hormonal imbalances that are causing weight gain, but you know there is a problem. All real growth happens in life when we acknowledge that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
Marie had a problem with her weight ever since high school. Food always comforted her, but it also became her “boo.” She got comfort and companionship from food rather than from a mate. She would go on diets in which she would see food as her enemy, but ultimately she would always go back to her first love, food. In her twenties she stopped dieting, and just embraced the love she had for food. When it came to eating, it was all love, all the time. Food was her friend, her companion, her joy, her lover.
One day, Marie went to the movies alone and, as usual, brought her own food—cakes and cookies were her favorites. She saw Jennifer Aniston on the screen and thought she was so small and cute. I wish I could look like that, she thought, as she stuffed another cookie in her mouth. She didn’t acknowledge that she had a problem that needed to be addressed. She didn’t acknowledge that she was fat and needed to do something about it. She just wore baggy sweaters and leggings and made herself as comfortable as possible.
Then one day, she was walking through the mall and caught a glimpse of a woman in the mirror who made her think Wow, that lady is so big! She also noticed that this lady was wearing the same outfit she had put on that day. So she stopped and looked more closely. She quickly realized she was walking toward a mirror and that woman was her! That was her triggering event, the turning point that motivated her to see she was fat and to embrace the fact that she needed to lose weight. At that moment, she knew she needed to get real and do something about her weight.
I coach thousands of folks in my private weight-loss coaching group, and one benefit of it is that folks can learn from the success others are having at losing weight. As discussed above, 80% of Weight Loss Masters, those who have lost at least 30 pounds or more and have kept it off for a year or more, began their weight-loss journey due to a triggering event. The triggering event is what is needed to get out of fat denial and on to taking action.
Sometimes, when you gain a lot of weight, you really don’t see it. You may feel it when your thighs rub together or your knees ache, but you can’t see it in a mirror. Others often see it before you do. Be grateful if you have a relative who will let you know that you’ve picked up a few pounds.
Looking at recent photos and not recognizing yourself is another potential trigger. All of your beautiful curves are gone because you have become so rotund.
Once you get out of fat denial, you can face the reality of the work that is necessary to lose weight and keep it off.
REALIZING THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
So many people realize that they have been fat the majority of their life. Even when they look back at photos of themselves, they can’t find a single photo where they weren’t chubby or overweight.
Others gained weight after they went to college. First, there is the “freshman 15”—the 15 pounds many students gain during the freshman year of college. Most college students gain about 25 pounds total during their college years. Many assume it’s due to the high-starch cafeteria foods.
Another time of significant weight gain is once a person gets married. Women, in particular, do great to keep themselves up when they’re trying to get a husband, but after they get one, they let themselves go. They feel secure in the fact that they have found someone to love them for life. Also, during marriage we cook more frequently, care for others more often and, as a result, have a tendency to neglect ourselves. Consequently, the weight starts to pile on.
A married girlfriend of mine came to me one day and said she needed my help to lose weight. She had a sense of urgency, and I asked her why. She’d been carrying the extra weight for years. She said her husband had told her he wasn’t physically attracted to her anymore. She said, “I first got mad, but then I realized I had a choice. I could stay overweight and risk him finding someone else, or get it together and be the woman he married!” She had chosen the latter. She did lose the weight, and today they are still happily married. So, while it may have initially hurt to have had a family member be honest with her, it was ultimately helpful.
Many women gain weight after having their first child. It is perfectly normal to gain weight in pregnancy, but many women struggle to get their body back and find it hard to lose the “baby weight.” Some women who have more than one child keep gaining more and more weight with each one.
No matter what the reason is for the weight gain, there must be some acknowledgment that you are overweight before you can decide to do something about it. When you have acknowledged that you are overweight but haven’t done anything about it, it can be a very painful place to be. But it’s a necessary first step. As the expression goes, it’s always darkest before the dawn.
Don’t be afraid, go ahead and get on the scale. Write the number down. Take photos, take your measurements. Come out of denial with power and courage. For your weight is truly about to change.
THE DECISION HAS BEEN MADE
Now that you have made the decision to lose weight, you will have enough motivation to begin this journey. Coming out of fat denial frees you up to use your mental energy to focus on losing weight and getting healthy as opposed to using it to defend being overweight. Living in truth will set you free.
All the Weight Loss Masters went through this stage too and they unanimously report that it’s liberating to go from “I’m fat!” to “I’m ready to make a change!”
In my experience coaching thousands of folks on their weight-loss journey, I have seen that the reasons for losing weight generally fall into one of three categories:
1. VANITY: You don’t like the way you look or you never attract the opposite sex. The pressure could be external, such as you get teased because of your weight. Or internal—you might look in the mirror and simply not like what you see.
2. QUALITY OF LIFE: You want to spend quality time with your family, especially your mate, kids, and grandkids. If you are struggling to run and play with your children, it will only get worse if you don’t address it now.
3. HEALTH: Not only is your health failing, you have no energy to actively participate in life. The doctor may have ordered you to lose weight due to weight-related illnesses such as high blood pressure, diabetes, or high cholesterol. Your body is failing you and your back, knees, and feet hurt all the time due to excess weight.
Be careful of the “I’ll start next week” syndrome. Monday is the most popular start date and the most procrastinated start date as well. How many times have you said, I’ll start my new weight-loss plan next week, on Monday? This might be an excuse to overeat on the weekends and eat everything in sight for a few days. You overeat without feeling guilty, but then when Monday comes and goes and you haven’t started, you end up feeling even worse. This is a set-up for failure. If you make a decision to lose weight, create a game plan today and get started today. There is nothing magical about Monday.
Now you may have already come up with some excuses as to why today is not a good day to start. Well, don’t be fearful about taking action today. This book will give you the mental strategies to stay motivated throughout your weight-loss journey. You don’t need to run out and buy a gym membership or buy any weight-loss pills or foods. You just need to start eating better today.
I know you may be thinking that you have tried so many diets in the past and either couldn’t stick with it or gained all the weight back. You are not alone: the majority of the people who have lost weight and kept it off have tried at least five diets or more. So, that is normal and does not make you a failure. People try low-carb diets, high-protein diets, low-fat diets, all kinds of fad d
iets, and then still gain the weight back. So, the diet is not the answer. Diets are simply not the most effective way to lose weight permanently. Your goal should be to change your lifestyle, including proper nutrition and getting physically active, as a way to achieve your weight-loss goals. When most people think of dieting, they immediately think of eating less, which is a flawed dieting technique that allows you to lose weight in the short term but rarely allows you to keep the weight off permanently.
Remember, no more excuses. Sure, you may love food. Most people do! No one wants to give up favorite foods entirely. I know I didn’t. To this day, I still love pizza, lasagna, burgers, and fries. And I still get to eat them now and then. I just can’t eat them every day and maintain my weight. So don’t worry about giving up anything. There is a way to include your favorite foods and still be slim and healthy.
Keep a long list of why you want to lose weight and keep it visible so you can see it every day. Refer to it to remind yourself of why you started. On challenging days, you’ll need these reminders to keep going.
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Stage Two—The Honeymoon (Starting Strong)
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SO YOU MADE the decision to lose weight and you’re ready to take action. It took time to come out of denial to move into action, but you’re finally ready to make a lifestyle change. You no longer feel hopeless. This is the stage when you start outlining a plan to take action, and you may even start making some small changes like drinking more water, getting more sleep, or going for walks.
I admire folks who want to jump right in, but learning how to help your body lose weight is one of the most important aspects of achieving your goal. During this stage, we recommend people begin researching different weight-loss programs and getting their minds ready for change. There is so much confusing and conflicting information out there, so you want to make sure to get the right information. And no worries, I’ll give you the most important information on how your body metabolizes food so that you can be successful at weight loss. That’s actually the easy part. The challenge is the mental motivation, which is the focus of this entire book. It’s one of the most difficult phases because you are getting rid of bad habits and replacing them with good ones.
DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL EATING
In this phase, you will lose a good bit of weight. It will be challenging because you will also be breaking food addictions, changing eating habits, and learning how not to let emotional eating take you off track. It is a time to deal not only with inner struggles but also with family and friends who do not support the lifestyle changes you are trying to make.
When you are truly making a lifestyle change, you do not want to worry about diets and specific food choices. I never tell people what to eat. I help them understand which foods help them burn fat and which foods help them store fat so they can make educated choices when they eat. It is about being aware and making better decisions one meal at a time.
In this stage, you confront the inner struggles that contributed to your weight gain. One of the biggest struggles for many is dealing with emotional eating.
When Carol felt lonely in the past, she would eat. When she was bored, she would eat. When she felt stressed, she would eat. She finally came to the realization that she was using food to deal with her emotions, to fill up the lonely places in her life. But she was unsure what to do about it.
Some people abuse food the way addicts abuse drugs or alcohol. And just like a drug addict will go through withdrawals and discomfort when they try to break the bad habit, so does a person who is dealing with food addictions. Carol had to learn to feel every emotion she was experiencing, instead of trying to eat away her feelings. Carol had to learn to just feel lonely or bored and be aware of those feelings so she could fulfill her life in healthier ways besides eating.
She began to go to the gym, take walks, participate in online support communities. She even joined a bowling league. Bowling was something she had loved when she was younger, and joining a league helped her commit to being out of the house more often, which led to more fun in her life. She later signed up for a line-dancing class because dancing made her feel alive. Now, when Carol feels bored or lonely, she gets out of the house before she resorts to eating. She has become very aware of how important it is to leave the house to make new friends and enjoy some of her favorite activities.
Carol’s story illustrates how losing weight really requires a lifestyle change—a true change of habits. No more long workdays and lonely nights. Carol keeps her free time filled with hobbies, friends, and fun; food is no longer her primary comforter. Carol will tell others how being aware of her feelings helped her change her eating habits. She had to be aware of the feelings that led to emotional eating and indulgence.
Do you eat when you are sad, hurt, bored, or lonely? Emotional eating almost always leads to inappropriate eating. Without realizing it, you may be caught in a vicious cycle of “living to eat” as opposed to “eating to live.” Just like a drug or alcohol addict, you have to make sure that you do not use food to escape your problems. Food should be seen for what it is: fuel for the body to give it energy and vitality.
An important way to address emotional eating is to learn the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger. This is absolutely key. Sometimes our relationship with food is an emotional one rather than a physical one. Sometimes we eat to fill an emotional gap or some other negative emotion. But no food—be it crackers, cake, ice cream, or pie—can satisfy emotional hunger.
Emotional hunger comes on suddenly: I must eat something now. However, you rarely feel satisfied or full, and so you just keep eating and eating until the entire bag of chips or pint of ice cream is gone. If the hunger comes on after an argument or a negative emotion, then it is emotional hunger. You need to learn to deal with the emotions head-on.
Physical hunger comes about gradually about every three to four hours. Watch the clock. If you ate a meal and were full one hour ago and then feel a sudden need to eat something, it is probably emotional hunger.
Dealing with your emotional issues will help you improve your relationship with food. To deal with your emotions, you must come to understand that the bad things that have happened in your life have probably been floating around in your mind for years, and because you try to suppress these feelings—as most of us do—they have never been properly processed.
When we dwell on the sad events of our lives, they get etched in our minds, stuck in our bodies, weighing us down emotionally. We must process these experiences and let them go. If we do not, the negative emotions become toxic to our emotional and physical body. Sad or painful experiences are meant to teach us lessons we needed to learn so that we can grow and mature as a person. They are not meant to linger for years and years.
We will discuss more about emotional hunger later in this book.
DEALING WITH BAD HABITS
Many of us have daily routines: habits for how we get dressed, prepare breakfast, get ready for work, and prepare dinner each day. A bad habit is one that does not help us achieve our goals. A good habit makes us more productive and effective in life.
The same is true for eating habits. Good eating habits help us lose weight consistently and bad eating habits work against our efforts. If you are eating the same things, or similar things, every day and you are not losing weight, consider changing your eating habits. If what you eat is keeping you slim and healthy, then you have good eating habits.
So how do you go about changing bad habits? First, awareness is key. Think about how many things you do without even thinking about it. Some habits are at the subconscious level and we do them without ever thinking.
Keep a journal of what you do every week: what you eat, how you work out, what you do with your time. This way, if something is working for your weight-loss goals, you can repeat it the next week. Get the good or bad habits out of your head and down on paper so you can evaluate them. You make close to a hundred decis
ions a day, most of them at a subconscious level. So monitor your good and bad habits, make adjustments and allow your habits to work in your favor. Good habits would be drinking water, getting enough sleep, and getting physically active a few times a week. Bad habits would be not eating every few hours, not sleeping, and oversnacking at night.
SELF-SABOTAGE
Sometimes people are sabotaged in their effort to lose weight by external factors, maybe friends and family who do not make healthy choices and try to lure them to stick with old habits. But sometimes it is the dieter who is uncomfortable with the changes. When you literally have to fight yourself day in and day out, it can be a tough fight; the fight of your life. I often hear people in our VIP Group say they have lost a whole lot of pounds in a couple of months but cannot see any changes in their appearance. This sense of not seeing a difference can cause you to sabotage your efforts after you have made great progress because you are not comfortable with change.
Sometimes self-sabotage is caused by issues that are more complicated than weight, such as rape, death, assault, sexual violence or abuse, abandonment. If you have deeper issues that are causing you to sabotage your success, you may want to see a therapist to gain some coping skills. All these years you could be thinking you have a problem with your weight, but the real problem is a deeper hurt or pain that you are not processing. Some of us have been using food as a coping skill for so long, we do not even realize what we are doing yet or how our habits are becoming addictive.
Dana realized through therapy that she had been so hurt in her first marriage that she felt safer being big. It was a way to push people away, especially the opposite sex. Food was attached to coping with hurt and pain, and it was a real struggle for her to give it up. She did not know how she would cope without food. If you are the kind of dieter who starts strong and then sabotages your own success, then you may need a therapist to address deeper issues and fears. Dana found her sessions to be not only helpful but an essential part of her weight-loss plan. Just as she planned her meals and physical activity, she planned her sessions with her therapist. Dana lost 115 pounds and has now maintained that weight loss for two years. She even has a new beau, who makes her laugh and smile.
