#Sumosteve reply: he’s not been around lately, so I’ve been given a reprieve. I’ve got my gun under the bed ready for him. I don’t care what #freddofighter says about the mess, I can’t control the abuse so I’ll control the way I kill him! Jail will be a walk in the park in comparison to the alternative. I hear you about using that time to refine the plan. Anything that gets you out of your body, right?
#pumpkin23 reply: hi #hannahsfriend I’m new to this site but your posts stick out to me. Are there any self-help groups you could talk to on-line? You shouldn’t be putting up with it. You need to tell the police. He could be doing it to other kids. Hope it stops soon. #sumosteve don’t do it. Talk to someone, run away. Don’t ruin what’s left of your life for him.
#hannahsfriend reply: thanks, but you’re one of those annoying optimists, aren’t you? Unless you’re going through it, please don’t lecture us. When someone has full control over your life, you can’t stop them having full control over your body. These are clever people who put a lot of thought into hiding what they do. No-one will believe us without proof. We don’t have proof. Leave us alone to fantasise about a better future. Thanks.x
#ignorememan reply: well said.
#catwoman reply: Lurker. Why is she on this site if she doesn’t want to find out about killing someone?? Get off here woman. Oh and #sumosteve I’ll inbox you a great store for Dexter-esque sheeting to help with the mess.
There are so many comments. But from Katie’s post it seems she could tell I wasn’t sure whether or not to believe her. That’s awful. That must have made her feel so much worse. I hope on our last day together she was convinced I was trying to help her. I hope that, while I was lying next to her, for those few minutes they tell me she was still conscious, she could see my pain and hear my apologies. I wipe my face and carry on reading. I feel greedy.
29/06/2014 – Mum went to the pub with her friend tonight and Josh was out at the cinema. Hannah’s grounded (for something hilarious – remind me to tell you). You all know where that left me. Alone and an easy target. He’s bought himself a new camera. It does everything apparently. Everything apart from alert the police to the disgusting photos he’s taking. He was horrible to me tonight. There was no pretence this time. No offers of goods or money in return for my silence. I wonder why. I hate him. I don’t know how we can be biologically related. I’m going to research my family tree to see if there’s any chance I was adopted. I don’t think I look much like my brother. At least I hope not because Hannah fancies my brother, the psycho! #catwoman thanks for the info you inboxed me. Will help a lot. Need an alibi. Will discuss that with Hannah. How can we be in two places at the same time? Any ideas – inbox me. Thought about trying to secretly film him filming me, for proof. But I can’t afford a camcorder. My phone’s camera wouldn’t pick it up if it’s too far away, plus it would just fall over. Might ask big bro about how webcams work. Wouldn’t want to get caught though. He’d bury me alive. Ooh, there’s another idea. Need sleep. Stay strong everyone.xx
That’s why she asked everyone at school if they had a camcorder she could borrow. Why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t she tell me about her blog? I didn’t know he made her dress up. I really didn’t know the half of it. How did she seem so funny and happy at school with all this going on? I can’t stop myself from reading more.
15/06/2014 – I’m having one of those days. Need as much help as you can muster. Don’t want to be here. I hate myself. I’m so ugly. Just spent forty minutes looking at my face in the mirror. I have the worst skin ever. Half my face is lopsided. My hair is thinning and lifeless and a stupid colour. My eyes are all bloodshot and too close together. My ears are massive. My lips are too thin. How can P be interested in me? He won’t be if he finds out about me, or about my dad. How can Hannah want to be my friend? It must be humiliating for them to be seen with me. I’m such a horrible, ugly, worthless person. I should be grateful my dad wants me. We’re probably destined to be together. I’ll probably end up having his babies, like those girls who were kept down in cellars all their lives. Not really sure what other reason I’m here for. I was obviously just bred for abuse. I need out. Help me people. I hate feeling this way.
This is heart breaking. There are loads of replies giving her advice and trying to encourage her to stay strong. That’s something at least. Can it really be Katie writing this? She was so much prettier than me; she had such thick shiny hair and never any spots. How could she hate herself? I was jealous of the way she looked! What was I doing the night she wrote this? I can’t even remember. I don’t know why she never told me she had days like this. She didn’t need to be alone and spilling her darkest thoughts to a bunch of strangers on-line. Her blog will forever be on the internet for anyone and everyone to read. This is so tragic. I need to tell mum about it. I need to find a way to remove it so her mum and Josh never realise how awful her life really was.
I switch off my laptop and lie on my bed. This is too much. At first it was great to be with her again, but now it’s blurring my memories of her. I never saw that side to her, she never seemed outwardly unhappy, which is why I wasn’t sure what to believe when she told me. I was right, she was a good actor, but she wasn’t acting to get attention, she was acting to hide the truth. Oh God, I wish I’d have known. I wish I’d done more to help her get away from him. I should’ve gone to the police after what she told me. Maybe I should tell Josh about her blog? Then at least he’d believe me at last. Her mum might forgive me. The urge to text the link to Josh is too strong to ignore, even though my instinct is telling me not to. It just means I have to do it quickly before I think about it too much.
I find my mobile and type the website’s link into a text. I try to explain, in as few words as possible, that this is Katie’s blog. The time it takes me to type it makes me think about the possible repercussions. I click send before I can change my mind. Yes, this will be horrible for them to read, but I need them to believe me and to get that man out of their house before he starts on someone else. I get a delivery report back straightaway saying it’s been delivered to Josh. I immediately regret sending it.
At one twenty-six in the morning I’m panicked by the sound of our landline ringing. I haven’t managed to fall asleep yet so I was just day-dreaming in the dark. I hear mum move around until she picks it up. This can’t be good news. No-one rings at this time of the night with good news. Although maybe it’s a wrong number or one of those irritating recorded messages. I lie back down and try to listen but I can’t hear anything. I must start dozing off because the next thing I know, mum is shaking me awake.
‘Hannah, its Katie’s mum. She wants to know if you’ve heard from Josh?’
Oh God, this is too similar to that other night. I try to think. Josh didn’t reply to my text earlier but I look for my mobile in case he’s texted me since I went to bed. He hasn’t.
‘No. I texted him earlier but he didn’t reply. Why?’
I’m sat up now. Mum leaves without saying anything. I follow her to her bedroom where she picks up the phone.
‘No Elaine, Hannah says she hasn’t had any texts off him. Have you tried his friends? He’s probably sleeping over at someone’s house.’
Why would he not tell her where he was?
‘She said she sent him a text earlier and he didn’t reply. No, I don’t know what it said. Hannah?’ She looks round at me, ‘What did you text him?’
Oh shit. How do I tell them? I don’t know what to say. I didn’t tell mum about it, I just wanted Josh to know for now. Why do I get everything wrong?’
‘Hannah?’
‘Er, it was a link to something I found on-line.’
‘Did you hear that Elaine? He what? Why would he smash his computer monitor?’
Oh shit. This is my fault. I should have listened to my instinct. Why did I send it to him? He must be really pissed off to do that. I wonder where he’s gone. I start writing a text to him; I can’t do any more harm. I ask him where he is. Mum hangs
up.
‘He’s gone missing after smashing his computer. What the hell did you send him a link to?’
‘I found Katie’s on-line blog.’
‘What? Why did she have a blog?’
‘It’s on a really horrible website and I knew nothing about it until I found it by accident. She tells complete strangers all about what her dad was doing to her! Mum, it’s awful!’
She steps forward to hug me but I can tell she’s annoyed at me again.
‘How do you even know it’s her? Does she use her full name?’
‘No, but I can tell.’
She stops hugging me and makes me look at her. ‘Show me.’
She follows me to my room while I start up my computer. When I get to the right page she sits down on the corner of my bed and reads it over my shoulder. She gasps more than once.
‘You shouldn’t be reading this. We can’t be sure it’s even her.’
‘Oh, come on, mum! Hannah’s friend? People asking where she’s gone since her last post on the morning of her death? Her dad’s abusing her while her mum and brother are out? Talk about stupid.’
‘Shut up Hannah! Why did you send this to Josh? Did you not stop to think about how he’d react?’
‘What do you mean? He’ll see that we were telling the truth after all and that he now has evidence against his dad. Now him and his mum can kick his dad out and apologise to me for treating me like shit.’
Mum stands up and lets out a horrible sarcastic laugh.
‘You are so selfish. Katie died for Christ sakes and you expect them to apologise to you? It’s not all about you Hannah! I can’t believe you’re my child sometimes.’
She storms out and slams my door closed. I didn’t mean any of that, I’m just angry. I’ve been called a liar for no reason. Just then my mobile rings. It’s Josh.
‘Josh?’
‘Hello? I’m calling from the Emergency Department at City Hospital. I have a teenage boy here who has no-one with him so we’re trying the numbers in his phone. His mother’s number is engaged, are you able to get hold of her for us?’
‘Yes. What’s wrong with him?’
‘Please tell his parents to come to the hospital as soon as they possibly can. I’m afraid it’s a suicide attempt.’
Mum’s stood in my doorway. She sees me drop the phone and crumble to the floor. I’ve killed them both.
Chapter 12
Mum has driven to Josh’s house to tell his mum in person and to give her a lift to the hospital. She phoned the police beforehand to ask how to deal with Katie’s dad – Josh would not want to wake up with him next to his bed, not now. The police are sending the family liaison officer round to keep Katie’s dad away from the hospital. Mum told the police about Katie’s blog, so they’re going to get Inspector Foster to look at it as soon as she gets to work at eight a.m. She’s on day shifts this week apparently. I don’t know how Katie’s dad will respond when he gets told he can’t go to the hospital. It was bad enough for me not being able to go.
I hope Josh is going to be okay. We know nothing else other than it was a suicide attempt. Mum thinks that means it obviously wasn’t successful so he should be okay, depending on what he did. I’m wide awake and alone in our dark empty house. It’s unbearably warm tonight, but I’m shivering. I’ve got the TV on and I’m sat on the sofa waiting for mum to ring. She promised she’d ring me as soon as she could and before she leaves to come home. If he dies I will have to kill myself. How could I live with the knowledge that I’m responsible for two members of the same family dying?
Everything the counsellor said to me has been wiped from my memory. I go in search of some alcohol. There’s a new bottle of red wine in the kitchen cupboard. I take it into the living room and swig on it every time I feel guilty. It doesn’t take long to get halfway through it, I think I’m building up quite a resistance to the effects of alcohol these days. The house is so quiet, even with the TV on. I need the toilet but I don’t want to leave the living room because I didn’t leave any of the upstairs lights on. Something feels wrong, like there’s something in the house with me. I turn the TV up and try to focus on the programme, some American sitcom that I don’t recognise, but it’s impossible. I feel numb. This can’t really be happening, can it? Am I in some kind of coma in real life? Did I fall off that cliff with Katie and really I’m lying in a hospital bed waiting to wake up? I hope that’s true. Because if I’m in hospital, maybe Katie is too. But the fact that I’m watching TV convinces me I’m not in a coma.
I wish I had a friend to call, someone to come and sit with me. I haven’t seen anyone from school in a while. I doubt they’d even talk to me anymore, especially when they hear about what I made Josh do to himself. I just need one friend. Just one person I can confide in completely with absolutely everything. One person to be non-judgemental and to comfort me. Then I realise that’s probably why Katie was talking to those people in that forum. It must have been nice being invisible, anonymous, and telling them her darkest thoughts. It’s a shame there’s no support group out there for people like me, people who ruin other people’s lives.
Oh my God. The living room door just opened a bit. By itself. I’m frozen to the sofa. I don’t want to look over there, what if it’s Katie’s ghost? I saw the door move out the corner of my eye, I’m sure I did. Without thinking, I jump up and kick the door shut properly and then run back to the sofa and grab my mobile. I ring mum’s number.
‘I’m on my way home, love. Just about to get into the car.’
‘Is Josh okay?’
She sighs, like she wants to sugar coat the news. ‘He’s not really, no. I think he’ll be okay but he’s not at the moment. I’ll tell you when I get home.’
‘Okay, but hurry up, won’t you? I’m really scared.’
‘Why? Is everything all right? There’s no-one there, is there?’
‘No, I don’t think so. I’m just freaked out. Get home quick.’
‘Okay, bye.’
What did he do to himself? Actually, I don’t think I want to know. Thinking about losing him makes me realise how I feel about him. I want to be his girlfriend. But I’m not stupid, I know that can’t happen. Especially not now. Not that he would want me anyway, I’m really not very pretty. I haven’t been making any effort with my appearance since all this happened. I open the front curtain a bit so that I’ll be able to see mum’s car approaching. Then I wait.
It takes fifteen minutes for mum to get back and during that time I hear all kinds of weird noises around the house. I’m not sure if I’m just imagining them but I’m so close to phoning the police that when I see mum’s car lights I scream, thinking someone’s coming through the window at me. I can’t even bring myself to open the living room door to greet her, in case there’s someone else standing there when I do. When she comes in and sees my face she looks scared herself.
‘What’s happened?’
‘I don’t know. I just feel like there’s someone in the house. I’ve heard noises upstairs and I’m sure the living room door opened on its own.’
Mum puts all the lights on around the house and has a look, with a tennis racket in her spare hand. She’s so brave.
‘There’s no-one here.’
Thank God for that. ‘What did Josh do to himself? Is he going to be okay? What did his mum say to you in the car?’
She sits on the sofa next to me. She looks really tired. ‘He cut his wrists.’
‘Holy shit,’ I burst into tears. I didn’t think he’d do something that would actually kill him, I assumed he’d taken drugs or drunk too much booze. ‘Is he going to be alright?’
‘The doctor said he had a friend, Will, with him who phoned for an ambulance straight away so the paramedics stopped the bleeding really quickly. He’s unconscious at the moment but that’s probably a good thing because his wrists are going to be very painful until they heal.’
Oh God that’s so awful. Why did he do it? Katie’s blog answers some of their quest
ions so I would’ve thought he’d be a bit relieved to know the truth.
‘Did Will say what happened before Josh did it?’
‘Let’s leave it at that tonight love, we need to get some sleep. I’ve got work tomorrow.’
There’s more but she doesn’t want me to know. She probably doesn’t want me to slit my wrists. ‘Okay, but how was his mum? Did you tell her about the blog?’
‘Yes, I told her in the car. I said we can’t be sure it was Katie writing it but I told her that you’re sure it is and that the person who wrote it was talking about being abused by her father. Elaine was obviously distraught. She doesn’t know what to believe. I told her she shouldn’t have let Martin back in the house until after the court case, if he’s found not guilty.’
‘What did she say to that?’
‘She said she just wanted to speak to Josh, so she’s staying at the hospital overnight.’
‘Right. At least he won’t be alone.’
‘Yeah. Come on, let’s go to bed. Hopefully everything will be better in the morning.’
The Girl Who Died: A Young Adult Novel Page 12
