by Karen Brooks
FIFTY-SIX
ABOARD DODONA’S DREAM AND IN THE MERMAID’S TALE, PLYMOUTH
The 31st of March to the 4th of April, Anno Domini 1582
In the 24th year of the reign of Elizabeth I
We sailed into Plymouth Sound on the last day of March, past the Isle of St Nicholas, and dropped anchor mid-stream, parallel to the main dock. A veritable forest of masts surrounded us, swaying like ghostly limbs in the wind and only partly obscured by the fine curtain of rain. Plymouth was a vibrant and surprising place, filled with industry, shops, warehouses and shipyards as well as people of all colours, ages and occupations. It was also the township where Lord Nathaniel had begun his voyage with Sir Francis Drake all those years ago.
Standing on deck, still pale but determined not to be an invalid, despite Jim’s warnings, my lord ignored the drizzle and pointed out various landmarks to Caleb and me. Above all, this was a place where we could disappear for a few days, at least until Papa and the others joined us. Over the last week, Lord Nathaniel’s wound had shown no sign of infection. Jim had been excellent in his care, replacing the bandages and applying fresh moss twice a day.
‘I’ve seen men die simply because wounds weren’t kept clean,’ he explained. ‘A lot can be learned from the Musselmen and Turks. I don’t care about a man’s colour or faith. It’s what’s in his head and his heart that counts. If you ask me, we condemn folk too readily because they don’t look like us or worship as we do.’
I could only agree.
Leaving a basic crew on deck, we rowed to the docks. The men went to seek supplies and entertainment in town, and we hired rooms at the Mermaid’s Tale to enjoy the luxury of some space, comfortable beds and hearty meals.
There were soldiers in Plymouth as well as various port officials. Leaving Lord Nathaniel to rest, and ignoring Jim’s recommendation that I too should rest and remain in my room, I was accompanied by Caleb and Nicholas as I went to an apothecary’s and, following Jim’s instructions, purchased medicinal unguents and herbs with which to treat Lord — I mean, Nathaniel.
I studied all who lingered under shop awnings, beside vendors’ carts or in doorways; those whose eyes alighted upon us for any length of time. I was not concerned about the uniforms as much as I was about those who wore an air of indifference and appeared to blend in. Any one of these raggedy men, battered sea-salts, fences or vendors could be in Sir Francis’s pay. I could imagine them scribbling a note to him as soon as we were out of sight, revealing the whereabouts of his wayward daughter, the traitor, the woman who had sought to hold the nation to ransom.
For three whole days we waited as the rain fell. Nicholas went backwards and forwards to the ship, and Lord Nathaniel rotated the crew, ensuring all men had time ashore.
Unexpected sounds, the tramp of boots, the clop of hooves, all had the power to unsettle me, and I found it hard to know peace. Nathaniel urged me to relax, but I felt responsible for everyone, my guilt knew no bounds. I expected us to be arrested at any moment and longed to depart …
My physical aches had long diminished and my bruises were all but gone. Even the memories faded, as I passed the days with Caleb and Nathaniel playing cards and chess, discussing poetry and faith. It was only at night that recollections of Topcliffe and my time in the Tower dungeons returned, and the pain of his various instruments would visit me anew. I would also remember his assaults — his and Raffe’s. Blurring into these were memories of my infant son, my son who died because I was not brave enough to want him from the outset, or brave enough to leave, or brave enough to stop Raffe’s assault before it was too late.
I would awake with my hand tight around the locket, my face wet with tears. While I knew that each day brought Papa, Beatrice and Angela closer, it also brought my leave-taking nearer too. It was increasingly difficult to smile, to remain light-hearted so Nathaniel would not suspect my intentions. For I knew in my heart I must go.
And yet … I also wished Sir Lance delayed; that the incessant rain would make the roads impassable; that the horses would throw their shoes, become lame; that all manner of other dreadful, but not dangerous, mishaps would befall them.
For all my efforts at dissembling, Nathaniel knew something was amiss. So did Caleb. When I told him of my intention to leave, he wanted to tell his lordship immediately. I dissuaded him.
‘You’re set upon this course?’
I hesitated. ‘There’s no alternative. I cannot tell him of little Gideon, of my complicity in his making and unmaking. I simply cannot. My shame, my sin is just too great. Revealing what I did almost cost you and Papa your lives. I would spare my lord if I could.’
‘But you can,’ said Caleb, taking both my hands in his, ‘if you tell his lordship all. You do him a disservice by not speaking out. He will understand. I know he will.’
‘Understand, maybe, but will he forgive?’
‘Forgive? We’ve spoken of this many a time. There’s nothing to forgive, Mallory. You did nothing wrong except trust a rogue. You were gulled.’
I raised welling eyes to Caleb’s. ‘Oh, Caleb, how can you of all people say that? You of all people know — I did everything wrong. That’s why little Gideon died. Oh, Raffe may have dealt the blows, but it was me who, when I first knew I was with child, did all in my power to expel him from my womb. His death is as much my fault as Raffe’s, for all you and Papa believe otherwise, and I bless you for that. Then there’s the real reason I was living beneath Lord Nathaniel’s roof — not to be his sister’s companion, but to spy on his troupe. I kept a dossier, Caleb — a dossier of all those who came into his compass. Up until you were arrested, my loyalty was still with Sir Francis. How could Lord Nathaniel or Beatrice stand to have someone like me in their lives once they knew? Especially when his lordship has already tolerated so much? When another woman had trampled his heart with deceit? Had caused his babe to die as well? I would rather disappear from their lives and keep them ignorant than lose their good will, see their faces and hearts change.’
‘You could stay and keep silent,’ said Caleb.
I stared at him.
‘All right,’ he admitted. ‘You could not.’
‘I would rather go without admitting it. I know it’s cowardly, I know it’s unfair. But Caleb, I do not have it in me to act otherwise.’
Caleb shook his head. ‘You’re wrong. You do. You do Nate a huge disservice by not telling him. You’re both my friends. I would you were at peace. I would he knew the truth. You understand all too well the damage secrets between loved ones can do. We all do.’
He held me at arm’s length, forcing me to meet his gaze. His blue eyes were earnest and loving.
‘Caleb, I promised Papa …’ I told him about the day I finally confessed everything, about what Papa had made me swear and why.
Caleb shook his head and gripped my shoulders tighter.
‘You goose,’ he said, shaking me. ‘Gideon didn’t mean for you to sacrifice someone like Lord Nathaniel. He was terrified someone else would learn and support Raffe’s claims, that’s all. He begged your silence lest you be convicted of murder. He never meant your promise to cost you your heart.’
Dear God, I wanted to believe Caleb. ‘But who could love a woman who’s done what I have?’
‘What Shelton did,’ corrected Caleb.
‘And what of my watching?’
‘That is such a small thing and, in the end, caused no harm to the Warhams. Not every secret needs to be shared.’
‘I would not have any betwixt him and me … but how could he love me knowing what I’ve done? The woman I really am?’
‘Doesn’t Nate love you now?’
‘He says he does, despite everything.’
‘No, because of everything. All you’ve done and experienced has made you what you are: a woman worthy of love — worthy of his love. Just as he deserves your affection. Mallory, listen to me. You’re so afraid Nate will judge you, you’ve lost sight of what you are doing to him. You are judging h
im intractable and unable to forgive when he is the opposite. You’re cutting him to fit Raffe’s cloth and measuring by Sir Francis’s standards — it’s you who is being unjust.’
God in heaven. I’d not considered it that way before.
‘If you intend to leave him,’ continued Caleb. ‘You may as well give him a reason. He deserves that, especially seeing what he stands to lose. Consider this: if he behaves as you predict, you’ve lost nothing except a dream.’
Though it weighed upon me worse than a sea anchor, I pondered Caleb’s words and decided he was right. Of everything I owed Nathaniel, the truth must come first, even if it meant breaking my promise to Papa.
Even if it meant losing Nathaniel, at least there’d be no more secrets.
It was our fourth night in Plymouth. The rain was heavy and the wind howled and shook the shutters. The candles were lit in the parlour set aside for our small group. Caleb and Nicholas went to the tap room downstairs for an ale, promising to have some wine sent up for me and Nathaniel. Caleb was trying discreetly to give us time together. Time for me to confess to Nathaniel what I’d only so recently told Papa. The greatest of my sins.
Nathaniel was seated near the fire, a goblet of wine in his hand, his shirt open at the neck, his hair ruffled from falling asleep earlier. He looked content. Colour had slowly returned to his face and he had regained movement in his shoulder. He was not as fast in his actions and, for certes, spent longer sleeping than he was accustomed to do, but he was healing and his strength was coming back. Perchance he was ready to hear what I had to say. If I didn’t tell him now, it would be a huge secret between us — a lock never opened — and it would keep us apart as surely as a physical separation.
‘Mallory?’ he said, his voice low and sonorous. ‘What is it, my love? What is it that perturbs you so?’
I tried and failed to smile. ‘I’ve something to tell you.’
‘Uh-oh. Come, sit beside me.’
I came nearer, but sat just out of arm’s reach. ‘I’m afraid once you’ve heard what I have to say, you will demand I quit your sight for good.’
He sat up and put down his wine. ‘You’d best begin.’
The entire time I spoke, Nathaniel’s eyes never left my face. Once, they narrowed and, I swear, darkened. His hands gripped the arms of his chair so hard his knuckles turned white. My voice began to quiver and I thought my boldness would fail me. Thoughts of Little Gideon and Papa and Caleb’s frank blue eyes sustained me.
I told him how, just as I determined to run away from Raffe, I discovered I was pregnant. While I first sought to rid my body of the babe, I grew to love my child, and believed it would alter relations between us. Then I told him what happened the night Raffe discovered I was with child, the night the babe was born. How he never had a chance to draw breath and his little life was snatched away. How I, the greatest of transgressors, through my terrible sins, cowardice, pride and vanity, had caused the murder of my babe.
I didn’t shed a tear. Had I not already cried an ocean?
Then I confessed to stabbing Raffe. How, in sheer rage, I had tried to kill him. How, in that, I also failed. I was a woman who, denied her child, was also denied revenge.
‘So, you see, my lord, I’m not who you think I am. I never have been. You were always right about me. Like the women you despise, I play a part and thus good men are gulled; they misread me for one thing when I am truly another — a Jezebel, thief and murderer by any other name.’
There. It was done. I waited.
The fire spat. A gale shook the walls and slapped great sheets of rain against the glass. The limbs of the trees bent and snapped. Inside the small room, we were still.
Finally, when I thought my heart would burst and I must make my exit and never look back, Nathaniel spoke.
‘I only wish you’d told me sooner.’
I lowered my head in remorse. Of course he would never have risked everything for me, sacrificed his life here in England, and that of his sister, if he’d known. He never would have wasted another moment upon me and my family. For now they were tainted with the same blighted brush I had so readily wielded.
‘Forgive me,’ I whispered, unable to look at him, such was my guilt. Hauling myself up, I dropped a curtsey. Though Caleb was right in persuading me to speak, he was wrong about how his lordship would react. Papa had been right all along. He was disgusted.
Just as I moved past him, his hand shot out, gripping my wrist so tightly I cried out.
‘For, if you had,’ he said. ‘I would have run that son of a mongrel Sir Raffe Shelton through with my sword not once, but a hundred times. He would never have left the Cardinal’s Hatte alive. As it is, I hope when Francis finds him, they hand him over to Topcliffe to do with as he pleases.’
Finally I raised my head and looked at him.
‘Oh, Mallory.’ He drew me towards him, ceasing only when I was standing between his legs. ‘You foolish woman. Did you believe me so unfeeling that I would reject you because of this? Abandon you?’
‘It’s what most men would do.’
‘I am not most men.’
‘Aye, you’re not. It’s what most men of sense would do, my lord.’
‘Stop attributing to me qualities I lack, Mallory Bright.’
My lips twitched as he pulled me down onto his knee.
‘I’m not so insensitive that I could not see, from the moment I met you, that you’d endured something terrible. Beneath your fire, the beauty you tried so hard to hide, behind those magnificent eyes, it was evident you’d been made to suffer.’
I let out a small sob. He tightened his arms about my waist.
‘Now, I too have a confession.’
I swear, my heart stopped.
‘My lord?’
‘Your sorry story was known to me before I even met you.’
Of all the words I thought might leave his lips, they were the last I expected. I stared in shock, then horror.
‘How … ? Oh, dear God, Caleb.’
Why, that underhanded …
‘Ah, before you become enraged and seek to injure his person, know this: he simply told me a tale, an idea he had for a play. It was about a beautiful woman who, convinced she was in love, fled a good home and took up with a rogue. This rogue maligned and abused this woman and then murdered her child. He admitted someone he knew and cared for deeply had inspired it. His sorrow and great affection were apparent. When I met you, I wondered if you were that woman. Later, I persuaded myself you were not — that instead you were being improper with Sir Francis. Afterwards, as I came to know and love you, I could not but cast you in the role Caleb had created, and saw not a fallen woman but a heroine who, like Dido, had suffered for love.’
‘A heroine?’ Did he say he loved me? I could scarce believe it. My heart quickened.
‘And when you confessed to me your rash elopement, I knew the second part of his story must also be true. You were indeed the woman at the centre of his tale. All I needed was for you to trust me, to love me enough, to complete it.’
What had I done to deserve such understanding? What had I done to deserve Lord Nathaniel? Thank you, God, thank you.
‘Did … did Caleb have an ending?’
‘He said she takes a terrible and just revenge upon the varmint …’
‘How?’ I asked in a small voice.
He pulled me to him. My eyes filled, as did my heart.
‘He did not know.’ He pushed the hair from my face, collected the tear rolling down my cheek. ‘He said he was waiting for the muses to speak to him — perchance he meant you.’ I gave a burble of tear-filled laughter. ‘But, Mallory Bright, I know how it ends …’
I dared to look at him. ‘Please, my lord, enlighten me, for I do not.’
Stroking my jaw with his thumb, he smiled. ‘She takes her revenge by uniting with a powerful lord and becoming the happiest woman in — where was it? Ah, Venice — and spending her years making him content, giving him lots of babes and gro
wing fat and ugly —’
‘I will not grow fat —’ I went to strike him but remembered his injury. ‘Or ugly.’ The enormity of what he was saying struck me. I lost the ability to speak.
He grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips. ‘Now, that’s what I wanted to see, a smile, indignation, joy, anything but these doldrums you’ve been trapped in the last few days.’
I rested my cheek against his palm. ‘I thought you would turn from me in revulsion.’ I lifted my face. ‘I’m a woman who has borne another man’s babe … and lost that child. I’m no widow, no innocent, though I have pretended to be both. You loathe any deceit and those who play false. As a watcher, what was I but the very embodiment of all you detested? And my lord … Nathaniel.’ I took a deep breath then spoke in a rush. ‘My sins continued. I was watching for Sir Francis whilst in your home. I was employed to watch your men and report their goings-on to Mister Secretary. Though I saw nothing, heard nothing, I felt I could not remain in your company while I still carried such secrets locked within me. I could not bear to have you reject me. I was sad because I believed our time together must end.’
‘End? You thought to leave me? Over watching Lord Warham’s Men? Over what Shelton did?’ His indignation and bewilderment were almost comical.
‘As much as I might desire to, I cannot blame Raffe for all. For what I did. For what I concealed. I thought I’d no choice but to go. I believed it was the penance God demanded for my sins. All of them.’
‘We all have a choice, and if you think I would have allowed you to escape me, my lady, you’re sorely mistaken — God’s will be damned.’ We looked into each other’s eyes and he ran a finger the length of my nose and placed it against my lips. ‘When are you going to understand, my beautiful, stubborn Mallory, that I don’t care what you’ve done in your past, so long as you can forgive me mine. I don’t care that you ran away like a three-inch fool of a chit, that you gave birth, though I ache that you endured such punishment at that cur’s hands, that he took the life of your child. What’s done can’t be undone. Do not be heavy, beloved. We’ve both made mistakes, made choices and done things we’re not proud of, but doesn’t that make us perfect for each other? I will follow you, chase you if I have to, to the ends of the earth. You must understand: you are mine and I am yours.’
