by Deborah Reed
Contents
* * *
Title Page
Contents
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
The Days When Birds Come Back
Part One
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Part Two
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
Part Three
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
Part Four
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Connect with HMH
Copyright © 2018 by Deborah Reed
All rights reserved
For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to [email protected] or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.
hmhco.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Reed, Deborah, author.
Title: The days when birds come back / Deborah Reed.
Description: Boston : Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2018.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017044910 (print) | LCCN 2017047824 (ebook) | ISBN 978-0-544-81740-1 (ebook) | ISBN 978-0-544-81735-7 (hardcover)
Subjects: LCSH: Man-woman relationships—Fiction. | Divorced women—Fiction. | BISAC: FICTION / Literary. | FICTION / Family Life. | FICTION / Contemporary Women. | GSAFD: Love stories.
Classification: LCC PS3602.R3885 (ebook) | LCC PS3602.R3885 D39 2018 (print) | DDC 813/.6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017044910
Cover design by Martha Kennedy
Cover photograph © Susan Seubert/Arcangel
Author photograph courtesy of the author
v1.1217
The author is grateful for permission to quote lines from The Poems of Emily Dickinson, edited by Thomas H. Johnson (Cambridge, Mass.: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press), copyright © 1951, 1955 by the President and Fellows of Harvard College. Copyright © renewed 1979, 1983 by the President and Fellows of Harvard College. Copyright © 1914, 1918, 1919, 1924, 1929, 1930, 1932, 1935, 1937, 1942 by Martha Dickinson Bianchi. Copyright © 1952, 1957, 1958, 1963, 1965 by Mary L. Hampson.
For
Robert Kelleher
These are the days when birds come back,
A very few, a bird or two,
To take a backward look.
These are the days when skies put on
The old, old sophistries of June,
A blue and gold mistake.
—EMILY DICKINSON
A thundering boom, the house went dark, and June pulled her knees to her chest and clutched her robe. She thought of the glass of chocolate milk on the table that day, the swirl of cocoa and fresh, toothy-yellow milk, that offering, that swallow of tangy and bitter and sweet, that moment of waiting to be told her father was gone forever. Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral. Her skin felt bristly, as if infested with mites, and she scratched her arms and legs and backed up on the sofa, turned sideways and dug her heels into the cushions. And now she held her fists to her eyes and screamed to drown out the sounds inside her head, to drive away the images that followed.
Part One
1
It was nearly noon on the Oregon coast, the day already hot when June Byrne shook out her father’s old camp blanket on the backyard lawn, removed her T-shirt, and lay with bare breasts to the sun.
She had phoned the contractor again and, like last week and the week before, hung up at the sound of his voice. Except today a woman answered, and pleaded, gently, with June: Why do you keep calling? What is it you want? June was drawn to the warmth of her tone, and hesitated before disconnecting the call.
Aside from the golf course beyond the edge of the property, June’s yard was relatively private, bordered by birch trees and evergreens and ferns. She lay squeezing her eyes shut, trying to exchange the world inside herself for the one out around her—the foul sea breeze slicing the air, the chickadees’ singing at the feeders. Every now and then she heard the thwack of a short iron hitting a glassy little ball. But the salty sweat on June’s upper lip made her think of margaritas on the beach, and June was one month sober, and yes, it was not quite noon.
Thirty-five years old—nearly thirty-six—and at night with the windows open, June could smell her own skin, and she smelled different without the drinking. She was different, or perhaps she was something of a snake, having shed one skin to live inside another.
The contractor came highly recommended, though the phone number she’d been given was no longer in service. She had only his name and that of the small town where he’d moved in recent years. Information gave a listing for a landline. When June hung up on him the first time, she stared at the phone, surprised at what she’d done, and expected he might dial her number in return. He didn’t. Not even after the second and third calls she’d placed the following week. Perhaps his phone didn’t have caller ID. Perhaps he didn’t want to know who she was. Perhaps he believed she was someone he knew and never wished to hear from again.
June pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes and drew a long breath. The rot still drifted on the wind.
It would take most of the summer to restore all the woodwork and period detail in the bungalow next door—the plumber had already come and gone and this had been his best guess. The electrician, too, his initial phase of rewiring behind the walls finished so quickly—a week? June had been drinking then, and writing, too, so it was hard to say. “At least the whole summer,” the electrician said. “Like having a roommate.” He laughed. “Right there every single day. A cousin coming for the summer like when you were a kid. You ever have a cousin come stay like that when you were a kid?”
June was an only child of an only child. She shook her head no.
Seven weeks ago she was high above the earth, drinking Manhattans on a plane from Ireland, her adopted country for the past twelve years. She’d come home to America, to the carriage house where she was raised, a place her Irish immigrant grandfather built from a mail-order kit nearly a century ago, a man whose presence June still felt in every piece of molding and plank of creaky fir. He’d built the bungalow next door at nearly the same time, and when her grandparents died three years ago, their absence had the quality of a dream, a tale someone told that couldn’t possibly be true, not here atop the ridge that had once been a logging road, not here where all of June’s life her grandparents shaped this place, in the same way they had forever shaped June.
Both homes faced the ocean, and waves could be heard day and night, a rhythmic crash that helped settle the chatter in the corners of June’s mind. Settled her the way the bungalow always had, with its hollyhock garden and stained-glass windows and rooms that once smelled of piecrust and furniture polish and Granddad’s musky lard soap. The bungalow was one of June’s most favored places on earth. She and Niall Sullivan married there, surrounded by the colors and smells of the Pacific Northwest—rosemary, mint, and salty sea. The properties stood side by side on
a square of land amid eight acres of old-growth conifers. Shady, untouched forest flanked the houses to the north and south. Elk, foxes, and bobcats wandered the soft pads of pine needles and emerald-colored moss, downy woodpeckers rattled the trees, and during summer, when the sun set late and rose early, the sharp cries of coyotes cut across the small meadow at the darkest hour of night. The entire outfit, as Granddad called it, had belonged to him and Grandmam, and now it belonged to June. By fall she would own less, when she sold the bungalow and the lot on which it stood. She needed to get hold of the contractor. She needed to not hang up.
Both front porches offered a panorama of ocean sunsets and rainstorms and the chalky lighthouse with the red roof when the sky was china blue, like today. Visitors—in the unlikely event June were to have any—needed to be mindful, especially during downpours, not to pull their cars too close to the edge or slip on the footpath across the road and plummet down what Granddad had called the gorge, a sharp, hundred-foot tumble over a rocky cliff to the sea.
The fetid breeze June smelled was death, lifting off by-the-wind sailors, gelatinous sea creatures that had washed ashore by the thousands over the past three days. Several could fit in her palm, and resembled dinghies made of sapphire glass, with a clear fin like a crystal sail along the spine. As gorgeous and unearthly as a glassblower might have wrought, though they’d turned quickly in the heat, and the blue streak now faded for miles down the beach. The stench lessened only when the wind shifted west, bringing mouthfuls of pinesap and lilacs and forest peat down the side of Neahkahnie Mountain.
“That’s Forest Pete,” June’s father used to say, and for years she believed a giant man of that name lived on Neahkahnie and reeked of the earth.
Her father had bequeathed her the camp blanket when she was seven years old, placing it at the foot of her bed before walking out of the house and into the bungalow, and from the bungalow outside to his death. The last time June saw him alive was a slivered view from across the expanse of both yards—his flannel sleeve rolled above his elbow as he entered the back door of the bungalow. And then nothing but a slant of sun pulling steam off rosemary sprigs, wet tree leaves dangling in sparkles. It was an image June seemed to have stared at for hours, though that couldn’t be true. Either way, it was then that her father had walked out of her grandparents’ front door, stepped off the long pine porch, and crossed the road. Whether or not he cried out when he dove into the sunset, June did not hear a thing.
Native people on this native land believed the direction of endings was west. “And here we are,” Granddad once said to little June from his wraparound porch, facing the whitecaps and charcoal sky, his small field notebook returned to his jacket pocket with a pat. He’d read the journals of Lewis and Clark, and kept detailed notes of the natural world around him, as if his life, too, were an expedition. “It’s the troubled moods of the one,” Grandmam pointed out, “that he most admires,” referring to Meriwether Lewis’s depression.
Her grandparents had meant to raise a large family, though there had only been June’s father, Finn, and after he was gone, there was only June. Her grandparents seemed to have been everything that June and her father were not—adventurous and surefooted, moving through the world with ease. Maeve and Cronin Byrne, with their beautiful mess of fair hair, their hearty confidence when they said goodbye to County Carlow at the start of World War II. Granddad had sold his portion of the family dairy farm, and Grandmam saved her bookkeeper’s pay for four years while living at home, and together it was enough to mail-order two houses from a Sears, Roebuck & Co. catalog in America, plus a small down payment on a rugged piece of land. June imagined them standing in the fresh clearing with raw hands and mouths gaping in joyous disbelief as everything they needed was delivered in tidy boxes and crates.
But the contractor. This morning when the woman answered, June had listened to the patience in her voice. June could be a little anxious, a little shy, and, according to Niall, a little off-putting to people who didn’t know her—didn’t understand her, he’d corrected. That woman, though, had conveyed kindness in only a couple of words.
June crossed her ankles, spread her arms, and lay as if crucified to the ground. She burrowed her shoulders into the wool and released the fustiness of winter—the funk of rubber boots and sludge and months of thin, dark rain. It must be eighty-five degrees now, June glistening everywhere with sweat, recalling her childhood days on the beach, lying on the camp blanket in the cove of a dune to read a book. Entire afternoons were lost this way; even when the weather was cool and the wind strong, June wrapped the camp blanket around her shoulders until the rain chased her away. At night the illuminated bonfires down the shore, the fishing boats, and the lighthouse all mirrored the stars and planets above, and June would stand on her front porch in her nightgown in the dark with her arms out to the sides, feeling as if she were floating, untethered, in the sky.
Summers had changed since then, the season beginning early and hanging on until the middle of October. Tourists arrived during those bright weeks, with kites and a determination to swim in the Pacific’s frigid waters. The village had three restaurants, and they bustled with the sandy and sun-crisped, with loud children intoxicated by fresh, ionized air. When June had returned it was spring, and she was greeted on this continent on that April day by the Irish sky she’d left behind, thick and pewter and honking with geese. Only the dogwood and cherry blossoms sprouted color, a radiant pink, and the beach had barely a human print in the sand.
Now the camp blanket, the summer sun, the distant smack of golf, memories trailing like flares behind the bright orange sun on June’s lids. When she was very young, milk still arrived twice a week in glass bottles on the porch, as if it were the 1950s instead of decades later, and the jangle of jugs against the metal carrier would wake her before dawn. If her father happened to be up and making breakfast, he spooned the cream off the top and gave it to June.
After his death June often sat on the beach in the same spot where she believed his life had come to an end, and she did not think this morbid then, and she did not think it now. Grandmam would send her off with a cheese and butter sandwich and a molasses cookie. “Watch yourself, love,” she’d say with a gentle tug of her chin. Those days belonged to June.
She had always been tall, with slender fingers like her grandmother’s, her thoughts flittering like her father’s, like frantic flies in a jar. When she gave up drinking a month ago she discovered the next day that she could not write, and writing had proved to be the single most important constant of June’s life for the past ten years. You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it, her father used to say. He said plenty of things, but on this June could agree. She wrote emails now instead of finishing her fifth novel, and of her emails, nothing stretched the imagination, just a flood of dry inquiries concerning her missing belongings from Ireland. She’d shipped sixteen parcels to herself before she departed, and at some point while crossing the Atlantic, the last remnants of her life with Niall had disappeared. “Did the liner sink?” she asked. “Was it pillaged by pirates?” Victory International Shipping emailed back that they did not joke about such things, and offered assurances that her belongings would certainly turn up very soon. “Like jetsam?” she replied, but heard nothing in return.
The spate of rain from both continents was behind her now, and that was something. For the past thirty-one days she hadn’t had a drink either, and that was really something. She’d made it further this time than at any time before, and she had accomplished it without help—all the trembling, vomiting, sweat-soaked sheets, the certainty that she was going to die. She did not die. But she could not write. Could not perform the single act she believed had saved her long ago.
She ought to feel proud. She ought to feel safe here. When the sprinklers kicked on at midnight across the golf course, the spray on leaves and bark and shrubs sounded like fabric being torn, a rip-ripping with an eerie silence in between. June closed her windows
until the sprinklers shut off. Afterward she opened them, and the smell of cool wet grass made her miss everyone she’d ever loved or had tried to love for as long as she could remember.
June missed her pillow. She missed her stoneware coffee mug with the white speckles, and she missed being able to caress Niall’s soft sleeves between her fingers. She missed burying her face in the shirts he’d worn, breathing as deeply as her lungs would allow. Within two months of his leaving, his scent had vanished from the clothes he’d left behind. Gone, like her vodka, her wine, and her confident way of moving through the world. June missed thinking of herself as funny and uncomplicated. She missed believing that all of those other things were her real life, and being frightened by sprinklers was not.
She didn’t need much. The carriage house appeared nearly the same as when she was a child—simple and spare, with books and lamps and drawers full of maps, as her father used to say, absent of mementos or kitsch. The only artwork was her mother’s botanical drawings and paintings in golden frames, a few in raw birch that had darkened over time. Myrtle, fig, eucalyptus—Myrtus communis, Ficus carica, Eucalyptus cinerea, written below each illustration in her mother’s cursive hand. Upstairs, the two small rooms at either end of the steps mirrored each other, with single iron bedsteads next to the windows—her father’s frame painted light gray, June’s white, and each room accompanied by knotty-pine five-drawer dressers built by Granddad. Down in the living room there remained the same nailhead-trimmed leather chairs, soft and cracked and angled toward the hearth. In the small square kitchen at the back of the house stood the small square Quaker table that her father had built using alder from the northernmost acre of the property. June had often sat in the chair facing the multipane window that wrapped the corner, with a full view of the white birch trees at the edge of the backyard, and beyond them to a slice of the bright green golf course, and above that, acres of Douglas firs all the way up to the craggy tip of the mountain. Her grandparents’ house was to the left, and it was here at this table where June had sat when she caught the final glimpse of her father while she was coloring or reading or imitating her mother’s penmanship. She was no longer sure. She’d glanced up, saw his hand, saw the rosemary and leaves. At some point she’d taken a sip of chocolate milk but had no idea who’d given it to her, no memory of ever having been given it again.
