The thought made him shiver. He glanced up at the classroom board and started to write down some of the notes Mr. Singer had put up. When his phone buzzed in his jeans pocket, he shivered again. Maria’s name came up right away.
So I need help with biology too. Man. I’m glad I stayed home today b/c I have no idea what’s going on in any of my classes and at least I can hire you as a tutor. Right?
Julian responded, keeping his phone precariously balanced. Right. What do you need help with exactly?
Something to do with cells? IDK. Chromosomes? Genetics and gender? I have no idea what the teacher is talking about anymore.
Julian smiled back down at the message, suppressing a laugh. He wanted to type “you and me both” in relation to the gender and genetics question, but he deleted it as soon as he wrote it, settling for What time today? instead. Just as he wrote the words, he looked up to see Mr. Singer shuffling by his desk and over to the classroom windows. Julian quickly scrambled to hide his phone under the book he was supposed to be reading as Mr. Singer opened the blinds. Snow still littered the ground, making everything seem extra bright outside.
“There we go,” Mr. Singer stated. “Maybe now you’ll all feel a bit more awake. I need you all to focus. We’re almost done with this book—just a few more points to consider.”
As he shuffled back to the front, Julian heard his phone buzz again. It rattled a bit against the desk, making it sound like someone was at the door in the classroom. Mr. Singer’s gaze went toward the doorway, his orange eyebrows knitted in confusion. Julian chanced a glance down at his messages, his heart rate still climbing.
Four works for me. You?
Yeah. Four’s good, Julian wrote, typing with one hand. You want me to bring anything?
No, no. Just you. I listened to those songs, by the way. Thank you. That was nice.
Julian smiled. His fingers scrambled over the keys on his phone yet again, but he didn’t get a chance to hit Send.
“J.”
Mr. Singer was right by Julian’s desk. Julian jumped, scrambling with his phone and slamming the book over it to cover the screen. When he looked up at Mr. Singer, all he got was a disappointed stare.
“J. What’s under your book?”
“Nothing. Pencil case.”
When his phone vibrated underneath, signaling yet another message from Maria—one he so desperately wanted to read—Mr. Singer let out a sigh. He extended his palm.
“J, please give me the phone.”
“What? You can’t take something like that.”
“Yes, I can. If you’re disturbing my class, I can have the disruption removed. So give me the phone until our period is over, or you can go to the office. Which is it?”
Julian swallowed. Mr. Singer’s voice was neutral but still somehow dripped with disappointment. Like a parent. Julian sighed, removing his book from the phone. He caught a few emojis from Maria’s response but couldn’t read the words. He handed over the phone, and Mr. Singer nodded.
“Thank you. Do you have an answer to number five, by the way?”
Julian glanced down at his page. He did have the answer—this book was so transparent and the questions Mr. Singer asked were banal at best—but he didn’t want to answer. All the eyes in the classroom were on him, and he didn’t want to dwell in the attention.
“No, sorry.”
Mr. Singer glanced down at Julian’s paper, clearly saw the response, but merely nodded. “Okay. Stay after class to get your phone back.”
Julian nodded, then slumped down into his chair. He wondered if Mr. Singer would give him another speech about his potential in storytelling before he got his phone back. It didn’t matter either way, Julian figured. Because now he had somewhere to be after school, and whatever music he had on his phone, he could also keep inside his head.
As the class droned on and on about Willa Cather, Julian remembered the songs he had sent Maria and doodled in the margins.
“SO WHAT does your mom do, again?” Maria asked after she opened the door to her house. “Josie told me she made cookies for you guys one night, but that she had this crazy mad-scientist vibe to her. I mean that in the best way, of course.”
“Of course,” Julian said, kicking off his shoes and adding them to the small pile of sneakers. The Morales house was pretty much the same as it had been before, but the smell of cigarettes was covered up by lavender. It took Julian stepping inside and handing his coat off to Maria to realize the lavender scent was her. She smiled as she stepped close to him, then dipped inside the closet to hang his jacket up.
“Are we alone?” Julian asked, realizing how quiet it was. A faint trill of music sounded from upstairs, but there was no chatter, no pounding of feet against carpet. “Where’s Josie?”
“With Davis! I still can’t believe it. And our parents aren’t gonna be home for a while. So it’s just us.” Maria grinned again, still somewhat awkwardly. She gestured toward the kitchen as if to offer food. When Julian shook his head, they headed toward the stairs.
“So you didn’t really answer me. Is your mom like Marie Curie or something?”
“She’s working on her PhD,” Julian answered. “So she’s at the school a lot. Sometimes in the lab.”
“Ah, okay. That’s pretty cool. No wonder you do really well in bio, right?”
“She’s more into plant biology than human. At least I think. It all kind of blurs together. She doesn’t really help with my homework, though.”
“Who does?”
“My dad. But he’s busy a lot now.”
Maria made another noise of recognition. At the top of the stairs, she turned down a long hallway and walked to a room with the door half cracked open. Music spilled out of the doorway, and Julian knew right away it was his playlist.
“I’m so glad you like it,” he said, gesturing toward the air. “The music, I mean.”
“Oh, yeah! Totally. I said that, right?”
“Yeah, but my phone got taken away in class. The battery died when it was with Mr. Singer, so I didn’t really get a chance to reply. I’m glad, though, really.” Julian swayed on the balls of his feet, his hands deep in his pockets. The phone was at the bottom of his pocket, and thankfully, he had avoided having a heart-to-heart with Mr. Singer when he collected the phone.
“Eek. That was my fault, wasn’t it?”
“No. It doesn’t matter, since Mr. Singer just lectured me on the importance of paying attention. Nothing too bad.”
“Lucky.” Maria paused once inside her bedroom. There were posters on the wall of Scarface and The Dark Knight Rises, which somehow looked as if they didn’t belong to her. Maybe Markus, her brother, Julian figured. Along one side was a small twin bed with pink sheets, and then another twin bed with dark blue ones on the other side.
“I’m in the boy bed,” Maria said. “That’s my side of the room, at least.”
“The boy bed?” Julian asked.
“Yeah, when we moved in there was only so much space and blankets… so I got the reject bed. The boy bed.” Maria shrugged. “It makes more sense if you’re in my family.”
Julian nodded, still staring at the edge of the comforter that had been pulled back. There was no desk in the room, no place to sit down other than the bed or floor. A computer was set up on the nightstand near the pink bed, its volume turned up in order to play the music Julian had sent.
“Is this okay? I realize now it’s not the best place for homework,” Maria said. “We could go to the kitchen.”
“No,” Julian said. “So long as you don’t mind me sitting on your mattress.”
Maria smiled, more confident this time. She wore a white shirt with a deep V-neck. Julian’s eyes moved down from her tanned neck to her collarbones and breasts. Then he peeled his eyes away and looked at Maria’s face. But she had already seen him look at her—no, she had seen him check her out. And she was smiling now as if she liked it.
“So,” Julian said, sinking onto the mattress. He open
ed his bag, trying not to stare at Maria anymore. “Should we get started?”
“Sure. I’ll go by your lead,” Maria said, taking a seat on the bed. She grabbed her books by the nightstand and then waited with them in her lap.
Julian looked at her brown eyes and dark skin one last time. I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her soon enough. He opened up the math book, then began.
“YOU’RE LUCKY, you know,” Maria stated about half an hour into the work.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Most people would be freaking out that they got invited into my bedroom. Half the guys at the school would be lining up.”
She laughed, but Julian saw the lines of sadness around her eyes. They had already tackled her math homework and were only just starting the biology problem when the topic had been changed so suddenly. In spite of looking and acting like a sex-crazed teenager, Julian was slowly realizing that Maria wasn’t sexual because she wanted to be—but because she thought she had to be.
“How are things with your teacher?” Julian asked. “You know, Mr. Roberts?”
Maria rolled her eyes. “Let’s not talk about him.”
“Okay,” Julian said. When Maria shifted closer to him, her hand grazing his knee, his heart rate shot up again. “Can I ask a question, though?”
“Sure.”
“Do you even like guys? I always thought you were more into women.”
She laughed. “Oh, wow. Usually people think it’s the other way around. Because I have long hair and have dated boys, people don’t think I’m really into women at all.”
“Really?” Julian gaped. “But you and Hannah nearly made out at spin the bottle.”
“People never take that shit seriously,” she said. “They all think I’m a Katy Perry wannabe. And besides, you and I made out too.”
“Right. But I’m not—”
“Can I ask you a question now?” Maria said suddenly. She folded her hands over their homework, as if to prevent him from changing the topic yet again. He was in the middle of explaining what Mr. Roberts had done with his lesson on chromosomes, actually remembering something from one of his mother’s lectures. The exercise had been to pair and figure out how many chromosomes simple organisms had—like carrot flowers or a potato. But it was deceptive, since many simple things like a potato had more chromosomes than human beings. Deceptive, really, especially when Mr. Roberts antagonized students on a regular basis.
But now Julian couldn’t even look at the notes anymore. All he could do was stare at Maria’s eyes, her wide smile, and the lines around her mouth that seemed like wrinkles—though she was too young to have those.
“Have you done anything before? I mean, I know you and Aiden used to be friends, and maybe you two weren’t dating, but something’s there—right?”
“I don’t want to talk about Aiden.”
“Okay. But can I ask if you’re really into women?”
Julian blinked his eyes shut. He knew this was coming, and really, he probably should have given this more serious thought before he ended up in Maria’s bedroom and on her bed. They had already gone on a date, after all! And kissed, even if it was spin the bottle. But dating and romance still seemed so, so far away for Julian. It was a lot harder to be with someone when he wasn’t too sure of his own body and how to relate to it. He knew enough about masturbation to get by and not feel deprived—that was easy enough. But the thought of another person touching him down there made him queasy. It was all so poorly named, all so foreign to him, even if he was familiar with sex itself.
That’s so confusing. How can I even explain that I like sex and want it but don’t want it at the same time? Ugh.
“I am,” he answered. “I do like women. But probably not in the way you think.”
“You don’t know what I think,” Maria said.
“That’s true. But I still don’t know.”
“Try me,” Maria said. “Is this like a kink? You need me to role play or something?”
Julian laughed, then considered it. He eyed Maria cautiously, wondering if he would be able to have sex with someone. Not just Maria—but in the future, down the line. Would he be able to get naked with someone? Take his clothing off? It seemed as if too much explanation would be required. He would have to keep talking and explaining why he was a guy, but may not be their exact definition of one. Even if he had surgery, he would still need to explain the scars. There will always be something left behind. Always be a trace of who I used to be.
“Julia?” Maria called. “Hey. Are you even listening to me?”
“What? Sorry. I got lost in my head for a while.”
“You seem to do that often.”
“Sorry. I just… I like you.”
“I like you too.” Maria shifted closer to him on the bed. When she raised a hand, he thought she was going to touch his face like Aiden did. Please doubt, he thought. Please doubt that I’m a girl. Instead, she looped her fingers through the back of his hair and pulled their bodies closer. Her nose brushed against his cheek, teasing him, coaxing him out. When he lifted his face, she kissed him. Slow and hard like from spin the bottle, only now they had no audience. Without an audience, she was the only one there to see him. To really hear him and hold him.
He kissed her back, strong and fierce. When her tongue traced his lips, he let her inside. His stomach was warm, his body trilling with hormones and desire. He had never felt like this before. Not with Aiden, which was more of a surprise and curiosity than a sudden desire that bloomed out from his belly and moved down his fingertips. Maria grabbed his hair harder, directing his neck back so she could kiss him deeper. And deeper. Julian groaned under the embrace, surprised at his noise. He reached out for Maria’s free hand, then pulled away.
“Wait. Wait,” he said, pleading.
“Why?” Maria asked. She licked her lips, and that small action drove Julian crazy. “Was something wrong?”
“No, I just…. I need you to call me Julian.”
“Okay, baby,” Maria said, shifting closer and smiling. She ran another finger over his hair, curling it behind his ear. “I’ll call you whatever you want.”
She pressed her lips against his again, mumbling more encouraging words. Baby, sweetheart, tell me what to call you and I’ll do it. Julian nodded into her, allowing the words to roll off her tongue and into his mouth. He pressed his lips against hers and then waited. He wanted to feel that same desire that came up out of nowhere and made him want to pin her to the bed. He waited for it to come back, to make his fingers feel like they were on fire, but it had stiffened in his veins. We’re role playing, he thought. This isn’t real. He wanted her so, so badly—more than anyone before—but he couldn’t reach out and touch her.
Maria’s hand trailed from his neck to his chest, over his breasts that were still tightly bound under two sports bras and a large, oversized T-shirt. Julian moved away from the touch, his lips unlocking from her.
“Touch me?” Maria suggested, her dark eyes pleading.
She blinked with those long eyelashes, looping her hand into his. She leaned back on the bed, then slid his hand over her chest. Julian squeezed by instinct, and Maria grinned.
“Yeah. Like that.”
He held on to her breasts as her breath rose and fell, rose and fell. Her nipple hardened underneath his thumb. She smiled into the kiss. He used his tongue the way she had a moment ago, and she opened up wider, allowing him inside. I’m leading now, he thought, and then felt better as her hands went to his waist instead of his chest. Now, he realized, she’s treating me like a guy.
As she lay down on the bed, Julian lay down on top of her. Her legs spread, and he slid his knee in between hers, using it for her to rock against him. Her movements startled him, jarred his consciousness, then excited him. When she broke away slightly, it was to lift up her top. Her brown skin underneath was marked with a few moles, adding to the complexity of her body that he couldn’t fathom. He touched the top of her breasts before the white lace arou
nd them drew his attention.
“It’s okay,” she said. “You can do what you want.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
She smiled, biting her lip slightly. Her hand moved along his jaw, tilting his head down. When he pressed a kiss to her skin, her breathing shuddered. He did it again and again, his hands over her breasts.
“See? You’re good.”
Julian still paused, his hands cupping her and his mouth away. “Are you, though?”
“Oh yeah.”
He nodded and went back to kissing her. When his hand slipped in underneath her bra, he couldn’t believe what he was feeling. Her skin was like velvet; soft and warm and so, so wonderful. When he braved all the feelings inside of him, he put his lips against the same skin he had just touched. Not on her nipple but on the soft skin near her areola. He was still getting used to it, trying to figure it all out. All he could smell was lavender and her body. She surrounded him like the music over the computer speakers, and Julian lost himself for a while, forgetting who he was and what he was doing. Maria’s hands went to his neck, bringing him back to consciousness, just as she bucked her hips. She pulled him on top of her until he was straddling her waist, his mouth no longer sucking her skin but their crotches moving together.
“Ohhh,” Julian said. He clapped his hand over his mouth, shocked that he had made a noise.
Maria laughed, light and throaty. “Don’t worry. No one is home. And I like it when people are loud.”
She moved her hands over Julian’s waist, through his belt loops. When her fingers brushed the top button and his fly, he placed a hand over hers. He shook his head.
“Okay,” she said. Her palms slid up his shirt and touched his rib cage. Her fingers were delicate and hot. Each touch of her nail felt as if she were flaking away some part of him he had kept hidden from the world. He panicked, only momentarily, when he thought she was going to take off his shirt. He could stand being touched like this—he practically reveled in it—but being revealed was different. It felt unfair that she was nearly topless and he wanted to keep on every last scrap of clothing, but he didn’t know what else to do. He kept kissing her, hoping it would be enough.
The Santa Hoax Page 14
