Julian waited, expecting her to say something he had seen from a million other Lifetime movies like “keeping your true self a secret” or “living a lie” or something like that. But instead she wrote, Waking up and realizing that the only friends you have like you because of something you hate, and realizing that you can only fix it by leaving. That’s what sucks.
Julian stared at the message. Aiden’s face flashed in his mind. He had already lost one friend. He couldn’t lose others.
Okay, Julian finally wrote. I’ll do my best.
Thank you. :) Now. Do you want me to tell you how this awful movie ended?
Because Julian wasn’t even close to tired, he responded with a simple Hell yes.
Chapter Twenty-Three
HE STARTED with Hannah. She seemed like the easiest, especially on Sunday afternoon when he had finished his homework and there was nothing left to do but go on to (the finally unblocked) Facebook. When Hannah updated her status with song lyrics, he immediately messaged her.
Hey. What’s that from?
Oh my God. I didn’t think you’d be online, what with the suspension and all!
I know. But here I am. What song is that from?
Oh. Um. “This Is Gospel” by Panic! At the Disco.
Hannah then sent Julian a link to a YouTube video. Julian knew the artist but hadn’t heard this new album. After listening to it several times, he found the album it came from and made a new YouTube playlist so he could keep listening while Hannah droned on and on about the band changing and losing members and their new single that was released.
I’m relieved that their new song is called “Hallelujah” because I can keep my mom thinking this is some Christian band like I already do and listen without her knowing.
That sucks. If anyone put restrictions on my music, I don’t know what I’d do.
Protest? You’re a feminist icon now. I love it.
About that, Julian typed. How much do you know about what happened?
You ran into the boys’ bathroom. That’s about it. Maria says you’re protesting for equal rights. So awesome.
Julian stared at the screen. How could he work in that he was protesting for trans rights—especially when he wasn’t even protesting at all. God, coming out was so weird and hard. But anytime he didn’t think he could do it, he thought of Maria’s text messages. And then he thought of Hannah. She knew pop culture, but she also knew music really, really well—even if her parents tried to restrict her.
Hey, Hannah. You ever hear of the Cliks?
No, I don’t think so.
Great. Here’s a song. Julian sent her a link to “Savanna,” then waited. He combed through a few other songs, wondering if maybe the best way to explain this was through a more famous trans person. He knew Hannah liked Against Me! but wasn’t sure how much information she had about Laura Jane Grace, the singer who came out as a trans woman. When Julian found the song “Transgender Dysphoria Blues,” he copied the link but didn’t send it.
Neat. I don’t know if they’re my type of music, but thanks for sharing, Hannah wrote. We missed you last night.
Yeah. I missed everyone. But the Cliks are important. You see the singer?
Yeah. He sounds a little weird.
Voice changing from testosterone.
Oh. Oh. He’s like Chaz Bono, isn’t he?
Yeah. Julian sighed with relief. Yeah. Just like him. And me too.
What?
I’m transgender too. It’s why I ran into the boys’ bathroom.
OMG.
Julian wasn’t quite sure if that was a good or bad response. He waited as Hannah appeared to be typing, then not. Then typing again. He was about to follow up when she replied with another video link. Julian saw right away that it was for “Transgender Dysphoria Blues.”
Do you know that song? I really like it.
Yeah, Julian said, his heart rate returning to normal. I do. And I really like it too.
Cool. Good. I think I know a few other trans musicians that you’d probably like. Want me to show you?
Sure. But… is this okay? Julian backspaced and tried again. Sure, but does this mean we’re cool?
We’re cool. When were we not? We have good taste in music, so already we’re awesome.
You know what I mean, Hannah.
I do. And like, yeah, this is odd because I’ve been thinking of you as Julia for so long. Even your Facebook name is Julia.
Yeah, I know. Julian stared at his profile. He had his parents and so many relatives on his friends list that he wasn’t sure what to do about it. I want to change my pronouns on here and my name, but I can’t.
You don’t have another profile you can make? I have one. It’s where all my music stuff normally goes.
The idea hit Julian slowly, then like a revelation. I could do that too, couldn’t I?
Duh. Hannah sent him a link a moment later, and he realized it was to her extra Facebook profile. Her name was DJ Samson. He wondered for a moment if Hannah was trans too and keeping this secret, when he realized that DJ wasn’t a new name or initials, but a title.
As in Disc Jockey. IDK, I know it’s weird, she wrote from her old account still. But I want to do something with music, so it seemed fitting.
What about Samson? I thought your last name was Wilson?
It is, duh. But my middle name is Samantha, and so…. Samson!
Oh, okay. That works really well. Already, Julian was plotting his new Facebook profile. He could scan the picture Josie had drawn for him and use it as a profile photo until things were easier. He could add a bunch of likes and dislikes he never thought of before, and most importantly, he could change his name. His pronouns. Just the thought of that filled him with so much excitement. Hannah? Can I message you in a little bit?
Sure. From my DJ account?
Deal. Julian signed off Facebook and then worked on a new profile. It was still basic and without the photo, but he’d change it soon. After typing his name in, he sent Hannah’s DJ profile a friend request. She answered it within seconds.
So Julian, huh? she wrote. I think I like it.
You do? Julian asked, realizing he had never told her his name.
Yeah. I think it’s fitting.
Thank you. Julian waited, wringing his hands. Was that it? Would they now have nothing to talk about on this account? As he wondered, he searched through Hannah’s profile. He saw a different side of her, one he hadn’t been able to glimpse in the short time they knew one another and only while at school. She was funny. Most of her posts on this Facebook wall were memes or some kind of articles either she or someone she knew had written. He was about to tell her how interesting this all was when she sent him another message.
So, I was thinking. For the final gathering, I’m going to be the DJ. For real this time. And I’ll be taking requests. Should I put some Cliks on my list?
Definitely, Julian wrote. Here, I’ll send you some more songs to give you some idea.
Great!
Julian searched again on YouTube, easily spending the rest of the afternoon with Hannah, just talking about music.
THEN THERE was Kent. In the middle of the next week, Julian sent him a text message asking him to pick up his homework and then drop it off.
Aw. Why me?
Because Josie and Maria can’t do everything for me. And you get up really early for practice, so I figured you could just do this brief errand beforehand.
When Julian didn’t hear anything back, he worried he might have overstepped a boundary of some kind. He wasn’t allowed on the school grounds, as his suspension dictated, but maybe he could meet Kent on the corner and talk to him that way. He debated just telling him over text, but Julian was really getting sick of not seeing people’s faces as he talked to them. Maria had started to send him selfies when she couldn’t talk to him, and that was nice, but Julian was also desperate for human contact.
I’m grounded and need to see people. The only way to do that is through homework, Julian final
ly wrote. Kent responded again.
Yeah, yeah. I’m coming.
Wait. Right now?
Yeah, yeah. I just saw Josie, and she gave me your work. She gave me your address too.
Julian looked at the clock, then down at his pj’s he still wore though it was late afternoon. He’d have to get dressed fast if he wanted to meet Kent in time. Julian sent him another quick thank-you and got dressed in a blur.
When Kent knocked twenty minutes later, Julian’s mom answered. She had been baking cookies all day, so Kent was distracted with her in the front hallway, talking about the holidays, before he was finally sent to Julian’s room.
“Okay, this is great.” Kent shoved half of a cookie into his mouth. “I’m totally down for being errand boy if it means I get cookies.”
“Nice, so glad to hear.” Julian smiled. “Close the door, though?”
“Uhhh.” Kent paused, looking back at the small crack in the doorway. “Your mom said I couldn’t close it all the way.”
“Wait. Why?”
“Because, uh… I’m a guy?”
Julian sighed. Even though his mother seemed completely fine with the whole “dating Maria” scenario, she still sometimes worried about Julian with other guys. Aiden had never really hung around long enough to pose a threat like that, but Julian figured if the two of them hadn’t grown apart when they did, the same rule would have applied.
“Well, that’s okay, then,” Julian said with a shrug. “What do you have for me?”
“Right.”
Kent slumped down onto Julian’s desk chair and unzipped his bag. He handed over some generic instructions and a few problem sets that Julian’s eyes couldn’t focus on. Kent rehashed some of what Josie said, but none of it stuck.
“Kent, I lied. I don’t need you here for homework. I have to tell you something.”
Kent raised an eyebrow. “If it’s about Maria, I know.”
“You do?”
“She smiles every time she texts you. It’s cute, really.”
Julian smiled just imagining this. Kent rolled his eyes.
“See? Transparent, man.”
“Well, not quite.” Julian sighed. “Maria’s dating me, but not as a girlfriend. As a boyfriend.”
Kent scrunched up his face. “Maria’s the boy?”
“No, I am. I’m a boy. Like, I should have been born a boy.”
“Oh.”
Kent scrunched up his face again. Julian couldn’t make out if this was skepticism or Kent being grossed out. When he reached into his pocket for his phone, his brows were still furrowed, but he seemed more relaxed.
“Can I show you something?”
“Um. Yeah. Sure.”
Kent seemed like he wanted to get up and sit with Julian on his bed, but he didn’t. So Julian—realizing his slight apprehension about sitting with him on a mattress, which could be easily misconstrued if Julian’s mother came inside—moved to stand beside him. Kent pulled up a picture of a woman with dark skin and straightened hair. She wore bright lipstick and eye shadow, a shade of pink that matched her top and went with her skin tone.
“This is Aisha. She’s my girlfriend.”
“Right. You two just started dating, right?”
Kent nodded. “I keep asking Maria if I can bring her to our final party, but she says no couples, no couples. Even though Josie and Davis are a couple, and now you and her are.”
Julian marveled a little at how well Kent managed to inflect Maria’s tone. “I can ask her for you, if you want?”
“Would you? Because I didn’t mention this before, but she’s trans too.”
“Really?” Julian looked at the photo again. He stared at her face, her jawline, and the neck on her pink shirt. When he realized he was still searching for the image of a boy underneath the makeup, he chastised himself. You don’t like it when people do it to you. So don’t do it to them. “How long have you known her?”
“Not long. She goes to another school, but her brother knew my cousin, and we just kind of met. She’s been transitioning since, like, nine? She’s on hormone blockers and estrogen, so she looks so pretty.”
Kent’s smile returned, along with the sudden gleam in his eyes. Julian had never seen him this happy before. He flipped through another photo of him and Aisha sitting together on a bench. He went on, talking a bit more about her and her family’s acceptance, before Julian sat on the bed again.
“Did you tell Maria all this?”
Kent shook his head.
“Why not?”
“I didn’t know if any of you guys would get it. Aisha’s family went through so much therapy in order to understand. Not a lot of people get it. And I was still a little nervous. I don’t know.”
“Kent, half of us are bisexual or gay. It’s really easy to come out.”
“Yeah, but I’m not gay.”
“I know. Sorry. I didn’t mean to….”
“It’s okay. But you know what I mean, right? It’s weird and awkward. Everyone wants to talk about genitals. So I just let it go and didn’t tell anyone except that she was there.”
Julian nodded. He found himself searching for the words Maria had sent him through text messages or Facebook chat about the importance of coming out—but he would be a hypocrite for telling the same thing to Kent. Especially when they were both worried about the exact same things.
“I can still talk to Maria, if you want. Not tell her that Aisha is trans but convince her to maybe have a bigger party? So we can invite more people after the exchange.”
“Yeah, okay. That sounds good. I’d really love to bring her.”
“That’s awesome. I can do that. Thanks for bringing my homework, by the way. I appreciate it.”
“Aw, yeah, man, no problem.”
Julian smiled under the nickname. It wasn’t much, but it was moving in the right direction. When Julian heard his mother shuffle up the stairs and walk heavily down to her office, he knew his time with Kent was running short.
“We should probably call it a day.”
“Yeah. I get that,” Kent said. He gathered up his backpack and tossed it over his shoulder. He was almost at the doorway before he turned and asked, “So what do I call you now? J, like Maria has been?”
“That works, yeah.”
Kent raised an eyebrow. “Sure it works. But what’s your new name?”
“Oh.” Julian chewed on his bottom lip. How thin were the walls? How much could his mother overhear as she pretended to work in her office? He decided it didn’t matter, not really. “It’s Julian. You can call me that now.”
AND FINALLY, Davis. Julian knew he would find him with Josie, and most likely at the park around the corner. So after school on Friday, Julian bundled up in his winter jacket, scarf, and even his hat as he wandered across the subdivision while exchanging rapid-fire texts with Josie.
Yeah, we’re here. Good guess.
Not that many places to make out freely in your house.
You would know. When are you seeing Maria again, by the way? She’s been driving me nuts.
Julian stared at the message awhile. He and Maria had been in near-constant contact over the past week but had rarely seen one another outside random homework deliveries or over FaceTime late at night. Most of this was done so that his parents could see him as a well-behaved kid, then take pity on him and let him go to the party. So far as he knew, it had worked, and he would finally be attending the last get-together. After shopping for Maria’s present tomorrow afternoon, of course. He still had the mix CD for her, but he wanted something extra special to go along with it.
Don’t know, Julian wrote. Unless she comes to see me at the park right now, I suppose it’ll be tomorrow at the party.
So you’re coming?! For sure?!
Julian laughed. He was only a short walk from the park now, so he slipped his phone away and jogged the rest of the distance. He saw Davis’s sneakers hanging out of the slide before he saw Josie, but he knew she wouldn’t be far. Ju
lian clapped his hands on the outside of the slide, announcing his presence.
“Hey, hey. Come out of there decent.”
“J!” Josie cried. She slid past Davis, squirming her way out of the narrow tube. She ran over to hug Julian, then whispered in his ear. “If you’re coming to the party, is this what I think it is?”
“An intervention?” Julian laughed. “Something like that.”
“What now?” Davis asked. He pulled his dark green hoodie around himself more, trying to warm up from the wind now that he no longer had the slide as cover. “Are you staging an intervention for me? I swear, it’s not that much pot.”
“Nah. I don’t want you to change, truthfully.”
“Ah. Good.” Davis smiled, then swung his arm around Josie. She rolled her eyes a little, then snuggled closer to his side—mostly to retain warmth. Julian was shocked at how chilly the weather had gotten in the past few days. Most of the snow had turned to ice, and though most people wanted it to be, he didn’t think it would be a white Christmas.
“Actually,” Josie said. “I think J’s here on a more official errand.”
“Yeah. I’m coming to the party tomorrow, Davis, but I needed you to know something first.”
Davis lifted his eyebrows but didn’t say anything, merely waited.
“Um. Well, I need you to call me Julian now. I’m transgender—which means I’m a guy.”
“Cool,” Davis said.
When he didn’t ask anything else, Julian turned to Josie to parse out any meaning in that exchange. Josie shrugged.
“Cool,” she echoed. “Now that we have that out of the way, we can start to talk about this party. I think… there may be a few more people than we initially thought.”
“Oh?” Davis asked.
Julian barely heard as Josie and Davis exchanged a few details back and forth. He was still stuck on Davis’s response, or lack of one. But more than that, Julian had told him so quickly. No metaphors. No doubt. It was almost easy. Almost like saying the lyrics to a song he had memorized a long, long time ago.
And if it’s like this for them, then maybe everyone else could be just like that. There would surely be the occasional bigot, but so what? So long as the people closest to him believed his story, then it was real. The thought of telling everyone, over and over again, seemed like an insurmountable task to Julian just a month ago. Now, it wasn’t simple but it was manageable. And oh, so necessary.
The Santa Hoax Page 20
