“Julian,” Julian said after nodding for what felt like a long time.
“What now?” Damien asked.
“You called me J—and I like that, I really do—but you could call me Julian too. I like that name. I like it a lot.”
When Damien and Sarah looked at one another this time, they smiled. It was easier, Julian could tell.
“Julian. Okay. That’s good,” Damien said. “How about you finish the rest of your presents now?”
Julian leaped up from the couch, ready to grab a gigantic red one from the corner, when he realized his parents still hadn’t opened up their stockings. He sat back down.
“Oh, I’m sorry. You guys should go. I didn’t mean to jump ahead.”
“Hey, it’s fine. We want you to,” Sarah said. “Like you said, there’s no Santa, so we can wait a bit.”
“Okay.” When Julian got up this time, he didn’t run to the present, but to his parents. He wrapped his arms around his dad, pulling his mom closer as he did.
“Thank you,” Julian said. “Seriously, thank you so much.”
“It’s okay,” Sarah said, and Damien echoed. “We’re sorry it took us so long.”
JULIAN FOUND a V-neck sweater of a nice, dark green wool in the first box. A couple of collared shirts that were like the kind he had worn in his high school photo, then a few that were plaid and easy to wear during cold weather in another. A band T-shirt for Panic! At The Disco surprised but also delighted him, and he had to applaud his parents at their good guessing. Not even just for his ever-changing music tastes, but for everything right now. There were a couple of science-fiction books (like The Best Sci-Fi of the Year collection) for him, and then a couple of books on transgender issues or with transgender characters. He picked up One in Every Crowd by Ivan E. Coyote and had to fight himself from reading the first story in between the tearing open of packages.
“I read that book,” his mother said, pointing to one called Just Add Hormones. “Before I gave it to you, actually, because I wanted to be sure it was good.”
“And is it?” Julian asked, running his fingers along the spine.
“Oh yes,” she said with a laugh. “It helped to solidify a lot of what I think is going on here.”
“And what do you think is going on?” Julian asked. “What do you think being transgender means?”
“Well, you’re a boy. You said so. I don’t know if you want to transition, but I feel like I can now answer your questions about it because I know the science. I know how things work, and I can just… be more helpful.”
“We still need to give you better sex ed, since you’re with Maria now too,” Damien added, jumping in. “But I think you may need to wait a bit for that since we’re not even close to versed in these issues.”
“Yeah,” Sarah said, laughing. “This may be one of the few things you know more about than us, J. Julian. But we will try. We need you to know that we’re trying.”
Julian nodded along, trying to digest all of this at once. He didn’t know what he had expected when he came out. Anger? A fight? His parents were almost groveling for forgiveness, simultaneously in awe or treating it like another science project. But Julian, as much as he had studied parrotfish and marveled at what they could do, didn’t want to be a specimen. He would read this book, and probably within a night, but he didn’t want to feel… this alone. About all of it. He wasn’t even close to being an expert, but his parents were looking at him as if he held the key to the world.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t… I know what I want to look like. I know who I am. But… the hormones. The everything. Oh God. It’s confusing.”
“For us too.”
“That’s the point, though. That’s what’s scary. I just….” Julian clenched his jaw. He had done so well not crying through all of this. But he was on his period—his period! What kind of messed-up sentence was that?—and he was so confused. So hormonal. He wanted it all to end. “I just… I’m a boy, but I don’t know what to do.”
“Hey,” Damien said, moving to sit on the arm of the chair where Julian was. Damien’s hand on his shoulder was warm and comforting. Not as timid as Sarah seemed. “We’re here for you. We’ll figure it all out together. No wrong answers, right?”
Julian swallowed. There was a wrong answer—staying a girl. But there were so many pathways to the right answer, he didn’t know how to take the first step forward. Julian shrugged.
“What if we give you a break for now? We’ve been opening a lot of your presents and talking a lot about you. Maybe you need a break, yeah?” Damien suggested.
Julian nodded. The presents he had gotten for his parents were under the tree, and he decided to hand those out. When he realized they still had to do their stockings, he let out another sigh. There was still a lot more to go, and watching his dad—especially as he unwrapped a label maker from Sarah—was probably one of the best parts of Christmas.
“I’m going to have so much fun with this,” Damien said, grasping the label maker in his hands.
“Just promise me one thing?” Sarah asked.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t label the label maker.”
“But how else am I going to know what it is?”
“No,” Sarah said. “That is so useless. You can’t just label the thing with the thing. It’s too….”
“Tautological?” Julian answered, a wry smile on his face. “It is what it is, Mom.”
Sarah rolled her eyes while Julian and Damien gave one another high fives.
“Oh no,” Sarah said playfully. “I’m going to have to watch over two guys now, aren’t I?”
“Yes,” Damien answered right away. “But think of it this way. You’ve already been watching over Julian, and he’s always been a guy. So you just weren’t aware of it before. In fact, let me make you a small reminder.”
As Damien’s hands moved over the label maker’s keypad, Julian felt relief wash over him. He had figured from day one that his dad would be easy to get on his side. They had their sci-fi nights, and Damien knew the importance of investing in the future. But Sarah was harder. She was stuck in science, and from what Julian had seen so far, biology was destiny. He picked up the book she had given to him and read and looked at the front cover. He opened up the inside. Just Add Hormones. They could change everything, including his mother’s mind. And now, after such a long time, maybe she could get used to having a son she could keep instead of a daughter she always felt like she was losing.
“There you are,” Damien said, dropping a small label into Julian’s palm. As he flipped it over, he read “Julian Son of Sarah” in big bold letters. With a laugh, he peeled it off and then placed it over his pajama top.
Sarah sighed but then smiled. “I like that. It sounds good.”
“Really?” Julian asked.
“Yes,” she said, getting up and pressing a kiss to his forehead instead. “It does.”
Julian kissed her back quickly, then turned to his dad. “Can I ask you to print me another label? For the inside of this book—so I know it’s mine?”
“Sure. Just Julian Gibson?”
“Yes. But can I pick my middle name too?”
His parents exchanged another glance, tinged with surprise, then understanding. “Sure. Depends on what it is, though, I guess. Please be reasonable.”
“Come on,” Julian said. “I’m completely reasonable and not going to tell you that my middle name is The Rock or something.”
“Damn, I kind of like that,” Damien teased, then nudged Julian. “What were you thinking?”
“Nicholas,” Julian said, then bit his lip. “You know, so I could have an N right in the middle to be sure people stop calling me Julia. And also for Saint Nicholas.”
“I like that, actually,” Damien said. He was about to type the name into his machine when he glanced up at Sarah. Her lips were thin and pressed tightly together. Julian knew
his first middle name—Marie—had been for his grandmother. He felt awful knowing he’d have to get rid of that and start over, but there wasn’t much he could do or say.
“We don’t have to decide this afternoon,” Damien said. “And as much as I love this label maker, it’s hardly official. I’m writing Nicholas for now, but we can talk. We’ll need to get you more forms for this kind of stuff anyway, from what I’ve been reading.”
Damien handed over the label, and Julian peeled off the back, sliding it into his Just Add Hormones book. He liked the way it looked to him, even if his mother was still on the fence.
“No, that’s fine,” Sarah said, suddenly nodding along. “Nicholas makes a lot of sense.”
“You sure?” Damien asked. “We can name a tree or get a memorial stone for your grandmother, if you want?”
“You’d do that?”
“Yes. They dedicate stuff at Town Hall all the time. In fact, let me return your Christmas present right now and buy you a fancy bench right this instant.”
Sarah laughed. “Hey. Hey. I still want my presents. You can do that for my birthday in February, then, okay?”
“Deal.” Damien stuck out his hand, and Sarah shook. When they pulled one another in for a kiss, Julian smiled, then turned away. He missed Maria more than he could fathom in that moment. He brought his phone out from his hoodie and typed her a quick message about everything. Then he took a photo of his new book—and his name on the front page.
Dad got a label maker, and he made me this label. Notice anything nice? I think I like this middle name—thoughts?
Maria didn’t respond until Sarah had gotten through the bulk of her gifts, and when she did, there was only several dozen emojis and exclamation points with all-caps cheering. Then she sent, I’m at mass. Presents later. But I miss you and I’m proud of you. This means you’re going to start taking hormones and becoming a real boy now? Not that you’re not a real boy already. You’re just, like, my real boy. Get it? Mi novio. :) And yessss to Nicholas! I like.
Julian smiled too wide at his phone screen—so much that Damien had to comment.
“Hey there, Casanova. You still have one present left.”
Julian scanned the bottom of the tree. It was completely bare, save for a small blue-and-green package that Julian had figured was for a relative that would visit before the end of the day. When his dad held it up, he pointed to the big and bold J on the corner.
“Last one,” Damien confirmed. “Then we can have some lunch and maybe skype some people.”
“And for your cousins or your aunt,” Sarah added, “we can go at your own pace for telling them. I’ve been reading some stuff about that too, and the best ways to do it. But we’ll talk about it, okay?”
“After lunch, though,” Damien said, still fighting for Julian’s attention. “Right now, I want you to open this. It’s a very important present.”
Julian lifted a brow as his dad passed the gift over. He had that sly smile on his face—one Julian recognized as part of his political strategy. Julian took the present, which was surprisingly heavy, into his lap and opened it. A thick plaque stared up at him with the wheelchair symbol and the words Gender Neutral underneath.
“Okay. I give up. What’s this?”
“It’s the sign for a gender-neutral bathroom they’re going to install at the city council office,” Damien explained. “At first it was going to be a handicap stall renovation, but I went back and asked them to specifically label it as a unisex or gender-neutral bathroom. I’ve also been petitioning to have more added around the council building.”
“Why?”
“Because, J, you’re not the only transgender person. We get a lot of name-change certificates for marriages—but there are other reasons too. Toronto is a big, big city, and one of the gender-reassignment clinics is close by. We’ve been foolish, quite frankly, for ignoring this for so long.”
Julian nodded. “You ever hear of Mark Shuman?”
Damien’s eyes went wide, and he smiled. “Oh, it fills me with so much joy to hear you mention politics. Even if I know that you’re mentioning him for the scandal.”
“You heard about that?”
“Of course. It’s my job. But it was another thing that helped us both put this whole transgender thing in perspective. It’s a bigger issue than before, and it should be. So we need this bathroom. It’s going to help so many other people too. Having a large bathroom stall like this will help trans and disabled people, but also dads with kids who don’t have changing tables in the men’s bathrooms. And then there are people who just feel safer, feel better when they do not have to choose.”
“Okay, that’s really cool,” Julian said, meaning it. “But why did you give it to me?”
“Well, because of the whole Mark Shuman scandal that’s been erupting all over the place, I suggested we do a press junket when we put the gender-neutral bathroom marker on. They bought into it, so on the twenty-eighth, there will be a ceremony. I want you to put the gender-neutral bathroom marker on the door. What do you say?”
Julian’s eyes went wide. Going out? In public? To basically announce to the whole world that he was trans and needed a bathroom like this? Oh no. It was almost as bad as being labeled a pervert. Having all that attention meant risk. It meant—
“You don’t have to,” Damien jumped in, clearly detecting the amount of panic on Julian’s face. “But I think it might be nice. I can control how many people are there and keep questions to a minimum.”
“And you do have a nice suit now,” Sarah added. “And a tie.”
“What if people… say I’m something else?” Julian asked.
“I’ll be there. I will call you Julian. I will bring my label maker, if I have to.”
“Oh, please don’t,” Sarah said, but she was laughing.
“What if they say something?”
“Julian, it’s politics. People always say something.”
Julian looked down into his lap. The marker felt too heavy to hold. “I don’t know….”
“Just because someone says something doesn’t mean you have to listen,” Damien added. “But are you worried if they say something you can’t take? You’re very, very strong. You kept this secret for so, so long.”
“Not a secret,” Julian said. “I’m not ashamed of it anymore.”
“Exactly,” Damien said, squeezing Julian’s shoulder. “You’re not a secret. You’re not ashamed. You don’t have to do this, but if you say no, I want it to be for the right reasons. Not because you think the world will fall apart if you finally tell it who you are, okay? I want… I want you to know that you do have a future here. And that you can help make it for yourself.”
Julian nodded, allowing this information to roll around in his head. He looked over at his pile of clothing—the sweater, the shirts, and the golden tie. Just like the image Josie had drawn for him. This was his new armor. He could do this, but he also didn’t have to. He could stay quiet and stay at home, texting Maria about middle names and then talking about music. Both were good choices, and for once, he could do them both and be called by the name he always wanted to hear.
“Don’t worry,” Damien said. “You don’t have to decide right now. And like I said, I will be there. If you have enough people on your side, you win. That’s what politics is all about. Counting votes to change opinions. It’s really a numbers game.”
“What if I don’t have enough people?”
“Then you wait. Try again. Eventually, the scales are tipped. I’ve seen it before.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. I really will.”
“Good. It’s all I ask,” Damien said. “One last thing, though, okay? Then I promise we can all stop with the serious topics and watch cartoons or something.”
“Or label everything in the house?” Julian asked, and even Sarah snickered at the joke.
“Exactly. But I called your principal—don’t worry, it’s not bad. He agreed to install a proper unisex bathroom in
the school so that these types of issues don’t happen again.”
“I can’t use the boys’?” Julian asked.
Damien sighed. “No. He told me on the phone that you won’t be able to until you get forms changed. So, small steps, but we can do this.”
“And I can’t get forms changed without hormone therapy, which I can’t get without actual therapy,” Julian said, repeating it like a slow mantra. When he glanced at the Christmas tree, he saw the underneath empty of all the presents, and paper with a zillion different colors scattered across the room. He felt the warm embrace of connection with his family, but then the hurried pace of history. He had so, so much he still needed to do.
“We can think about all of this later,” Sarah said, standing. “Who wants more coffee?”
She didn’t wait for answers before leaving, just grabbed everyone’s mugs for seconds. While in the kitchen, she also started on lunch as well, leaving Damien and Julian in the living room alone.
After a moment had passed, and Damien had labeled something of Sarah’s with his new toy, he began to pick up the paper and clean the room. Julian still sat in the middle of the couch, surrounded by all his new items. His phone had gone off several times, but he was powerless to read it. Instead, he picked up his new book about hormones and read the first chapter. It was all familiar to him, all echoing what he had wanted since a year ago. And it was no longer as scary as before, because it was his now. His name was on it.
“Dad?” Julian called out.
“Yeah?” Damien asked, still holding the garbage bag full of wrapping paper. “You okay?”
“Yes. I am. And I’ll do it. The ceremony. And everything else. I’ll do it.”
Damien grinned. “Good. Thank you, Julian. Now, let’s have some lunch.”
Julian set his book down on the couch and joined his family again.
The Santa Hoax Page 24
