by Donna Alward
Charlie was smiling at her. “Liz. You know that old quote about ‘the lady doth protest too much’?”
“I’m not in love with him,” she insisted. Again, the weird thump in her chest. “I can’t be, Charlie. I don’t fall in love, you know that. I don’t have time for love.”
“Correction. You didn’t have time for love. You always made sure you were too busy so you had a good excuse. But this summer you slowed down. Started to smell the roses. And the pheromones.” Charlie lifted her slice of pizza and took a healthy bite of ham and pineapple.
“You just want that to be true,” Lizzie argued. She picked up her pizza and started to eat, but a sense of panic had begun to swirl through her stomach. Love? What an idiotic notion. Love just got in the way. Love hurt.
More than that, love meant a commitment. Some people avoided commitment because they didn’t want to be tied down, but Lizzie looked at it differently. When you committed yourself to someone, it was a promise. A promise to be there for them, to put them first.
And when you did that, you ran the risk of always letting them down. As much as she loved her father, as much as her parents had loved each other, Lizzie had seen the hurt in her mom’s eyes when Russ had put his career first over family. In later years, when he’d slowed down, it had been better. And so Lizzie had learned from both the earlier days of the marriage and the later ones. And she was pretty sure what she was capable of. And what she wasn’t.
“What are you really afraid of?” Charlie asked.
Lizzie put down her pizza. “I don’t know. Failure? Russ Howard left big shoes to fill.”
Charlie took a drink of soda. “That’s always been your problem. Trying to be your dad. I don’t know who made you feel like you had to, but they did you a huge disservice. The problem is you only want to be the best parts of your dad. Perfection doesn’t exist, honey. Not even for him.”
“Yeah, I think I’ve figured that out lately.”
They were quiet for a few minutes, picking at their food. Charlie finally spoke. “So what are you going to do about Josh?”
Lizzie gave an amused huff. “Actually, I was kind of hoping you’d tell me what I should do.”
Charlie shifted on the stool, ran her hand over the mound of her belly. Lizzie had never really considered children, but with Jess having her baby today, Abby announcing her pregnancy, and Charlie nearly ready to pop, marital and parental bliss seemed to surround her. She couldn’t escape it if she tried.
“Liz,” Charlie finally said, “Josh is a good guy. You could do a lot worse.”
“But he’s here, and I’m there, and the long-distance thing…”
“Then don’t leave.”
“And do what?” She pushed her plate aside, feeling slightly ill. “You have your job. The clinic doesn’t need another doctor. Besides, I’m an ER doctor. This is fine for now, but honestly? Luke Pratt’s case had me so fired up that I know where I belong. It’s in an emergency room, Charlie. Not a family clinic in a small town.”
“But if you were in love…”
Lizzie shook her head. “And then what? Be resentful because I’m unhappy in every other way? How well do you think a relationship could withstand that? Besides, I’m not in love with Josh. And he’s not in love with me.”
“So the other alternative then is an affair. A hot, steamy, summertime love affair with an end date.”
It really was the only alternative, other than calling it quits altogether. And they’d already tried that and failed miserably. She supposed it had something to do with not really wanting to stay away from each other.…
“I need to lay out some ground rules, don’t I?” Lizzie said glumly. Why couldn’t sex or relationships or whatever this was be simple? Instead it had to be labeled as something and boundaries established and all sorts of other inconvenient categorizations.
“Probably,” Charlie answered. “And Liz, there’s still a good chance you could get hurt. I mean it, Josh is a really good guy. There aren’t a lot of those around.”
There were things Charlie didn’t know, of course. And Josh had his demons. He wasn’t perfect … but Lizzie kind of liked him better now that she knew he had a few flaws.
“I’m more worried that I’ll be the one doing the hurting,” Lizzie admitted. “I should probably sleep on it a while, huh?”
Charlie smiled. “Sweetie, overthinking is not your style. You jump in with both feet and you’re passionate about it. You see what you want and you go for it. I’ve always admired that. Just be careful. I’m afraid one of these days that way of thinking is going to catch up with you and you’re not going to be ready for it.”
Lizzie thought back to the couple leaving the hospital without their baby. She thought about her mom, and her dad, and all the crap that had hit her in the past year.
It was time her life started on the upswing, and maybe her move to Jewell Cove had kick-started the process. It had certainly given her some perspective.
“Know what?” She sat up straighter and rolled her shoulders as an idea struck. “I think I hit that point the weekend I showed up in Jewell Cove and turned thirty. I need to let go of what’s been holding me back.”
“What do you mean?”
Now that the idea had popped into her head, it made perfect sense. She’d spent so much time holding on to what had been and burying herself in work so she wouldn’t have to face letting go. That was where all her trouble had begun.
“Charlie, I need to put my parents’ house on the market. It’s not doing any good sitting there vacant, the way my dad left it. It’s time I faced it and stopped wishing things were back the way they were. Life is different and it’ll never be the same again. I need to let go. And yeah, maybe that’s partially metaphorical, but it’s true.”
“Lizzie. Are you sure you’re not just reacting to the situation and jumping from one thing into another? Maybe shifting your focus to the house is your way of avoiding dealing with Josh.”
Her assessment stung a bit, but that was why Lizzie had come to Charlie. Charlie loved her and didn’t try to sugarcoat her words. “Charlie, I’m positive.” The more she spoke, the more she was certain. “I’ve been holding on too tight. If I want to move on, I need to make some decisions. I don’t want to live in the house, Charlie. It should be with a family who can enjoy it. Make new memories.”
Charlie reached over and patted her hand. “As long as you’re sure.”
“I’ll ask Josh if I can have a few days. Meet a Realtor. Arrange to put stuff in storage.”
“If you’re determined, I can go help if you’d like.”
Gratitude swept through Lizzie. “Really? It wouldn’t be too much for you?”
Charlie laughed. “Listen, I’m glad I was able to take some time off work before the baby comes. But the nursery is ready, Dave is working, and I’m actually bored now and again. A few days with my best friend? Tell me, when am I going to get the opportunity for that after the baby’s born? We’ll drive down in your fancy car, pack up some stuff, list the house, go out to eat. A girls’ weekend.”
It occurred to Lizzie that her friendship with Charlie was the one relationship she trusted completely. What would she do without her best friend? They’d always been there for each other.
“We haven’t had a real girls’ weekend in months,” Lizzie agreed. “I’d love to have you come. I don’t even care if you do anything.”
“Well, you won’t have to face it alone. I guess that’s something.”
A new energy filled Lizzie. “It’s more than something. Charlie, I know you had to drag me here for my birthday, but I’m glad you did. I did need the break. And this thing with Josh … a few days apart and some clear thinking will help. We both know it can’t be a real thing. Maybe a summer fling is just what we both need to move on to the next stage in our lives.”
“Sure, maybe,” Charlie replied. Lizzie didn’t think she sounded convinced, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was feeling somewhat in char
ge of her life again. Making decisions. Moving forward.
When she left Charlie’s an hour later, her stomach stuffed with pizza, her heart was also full. And while she didn’t know what the future held, she knew how she was going to start making it better.
* * *
There was a Realtor’s lockbox on the door and Lizzie leaned back, stretching out the kinks brought on from too much bending over. She’d pretty much managed a miracle in three short days.
Right now Charlie was folding clothing into boxes to be donated to a local homeless shelter. Lizzie had given her that job since it was low on the physical exertion scale and because stepping into her mom and dad’s closets had brought back too many memories. It was the smells, really. Who knew they could last so long, the personal scents that were made up of years of living and loving and simply being in this house?
Lizzie was packing up the kitchen. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with all the household items, and soon a moving company was coming with a pod so she could store most of the boxes until a later date.
All the hard work had kept her mind off of Josh—well, mostly anyway.
Josh had been more than accommodating when she’d called asking for the time. All she’d had to say was that she’d decided it was time to sell the house and could she have a few days and he’d agreed. He’d even said it was only fair since she’d covered his butt during a family “thing,” so it was no problem. No mention of their night together. No mention of anything at all.
It had almost been too easy. And it occurred to her that lately, when she got the things she wanted, she often wished they hadn’t come so easily. Would Josh miss her when she was away? Or was he giving her space to figure out what she wanted? He probably was. She figured he was that smart.
Too smart for her in all likelihood.
But there wasn’t time to think about it. Thirty minutes later a van from a charity came to collect some of the furniture. After that the pod arrived and Lizzie, along with a few burly men, set about loading it with the boxes she’d packed. In the middle of the chaos, a van from a local women’s shelter showed up to collect the boxes of clothing.
There wasn’t time for Lizzie to linger over items or get caught up in a lot of emotion, which was just how she wanted it. More than once she caught herself with a lump in her throat over simple things she hadn’t thought of in years. Rather than dwell, she’d forced herself to carry on.
By 7:00 p.m. Lizzie and Charlie were tired and the house was very, very empty.
Lizzie leaned on the island in the kitchen and sighed. “It was so busy I didn’t have time to be sentimental.”
“Are you now?” Charlie braced her hands at her back and stretched.
“A little,” Lizzie admitted. “It feels … final.”
“I’m sorry, Lizzie. About your dad, and your mom … about all of it.”
“I know. But it was the right thing to do. It feels good, even if it hurts.”
Charlie nodded. “We should stop and see your mom tomorrow on the way home.”
“I’d like that.” She felt awkward and sad asking Charlie the next question, but of anyone in the world, she trusted Charlie the most. Especially with the truth.
“If we visit, will you do me a favor, Charlie? Will you watch my mom and give me your honest, medical opinion of her condition? I like to think I’m objective, but I know I’m not. And I’m the one who has to make decisions now. I don’t have my dad taking point anymore.” The burden weighed heavily. “Hell, the power of attorney all falls to me.”
“Of course I will.”
“Thanks.” Relieved, she boosted herself away from the counter. “Let’s get to the hotel. I booked us a nice room for tonight, and we’ll order in room service, and watch a movie on pay-per-view. Like the old days, only a little more upscale.”
“What? No microwave popcorn and dollar movie rentals?”
“Not this time. Lobster, steak … you name it, it’s yours.”
Lizzie locked the door behind her, leaving the porch light on. She wouldn’t think about it anymore. The memories were hers to cherish, along with photographs and mementos. They were not for sale. All that was on the market was concrete and brick and wood and paint and all the other physical trappings of a home.
Not the love. Not the commitment, or the persistence to see it through, for better or for worse.
CHAPTER 16
Charlie woke the next morning with a throbbing headache, so rather than stop to see Rosemary, Lizzie took her straight back to Jewell Cove with strict orders to rest and put her feet up for a few days. Lizzie also made sure Charlie had a bottle of water the whole drive back to Maine, because she suspected Charlie was dehydrated. But the extra fluid meant more bathroom stops, and by the time Lizzie dropped Charlie at home it was two in the afternoon.
Lizzie couldn’t help being concerned. Perhaps the weekend had been too strenuous for her. Charlie certainly wasn’t her usual talkative self, and her smile was a little less bright as she said she thought she’d go inside for a nap.
“I’m sorry if I worked you too hard,” Lizzie apologized.
“No, no! That’s not it. I think I just tire out a little easier now. Besides, we did stay up late.” Charlie sent a lopsided smile. “I’ve missed our midnight chats, Lizzie. It was good, so don’t worry. I’ll have a nap and be right as rain.”
“I hope so. When’s your next checkup?”
“Wednesday. Don’t worry, okay?”
“Okay.” Lizzie leaned over and gave Charlie a quick hug. “Call me if you need me for anything.”
“I will. And I’m sorry we didn’t get to see your mom.”
“I’ll go up on my next day off. Don’t worry.”
Charlie took her overnight bag and went inside and Lizzie started up the car again. She was edgy. The work of the previous days had tired her out, but today she was at loose ends, trying to make sense of everything that had happened. Maybe she should have taken longer to go through the house. She wasn’t certain the house was the cause of her restlessness, though. There were other things that were unresolved. Like the situation with Josh.
So where to now? She didn’t want to go back to her cottage. All that waited for her there were loneliness and isolation. If anything, Lizzie wanted to feel alive and vital and active. In the past she’d make plans to go on a trip or zip lining or parasailing or on some other cockamamie scheme to give her an adrenaline rush. No such luck today.
But the sun was bright and the August heat soaked into her skin as she drove into town with the top down. She cruised down Main Street, searching for something, anything, to keep her occupied for another few hours. She wasn’t really hungry, and none of the shops held much appeal, either. She could grab a suit and head for Fiddler’s Beach, she supposed, but on a hot day like today it was bound to be crammed with tourists. What she’d really like was the breeze in her hair as she skimmed over the waves, leaving all her troubles behind.
When she saw a familiar blond head in the crowd on the docks, she braked and took a closer look.
The throng of people shifted and she saw him clearer now. Cutoff denim shorts, ratty T-shirt in army green, and his flip-flops. Her mouth watered just looking at him, and she smiled to herself as she pulled into the parking lot just above the docks, scanning for an open space. Last spring Charlie’s description of Josh had been “a widowed army veteran.” And he was. But oh, he was a lot more. She suspected Charlie had known exactly what she was doing when she asked Lizzie to cover her mat leave.
She got lucky and waited as a car pulled out of a space, and she pulled in. She could still see Josh, making his way to Sally’s Dairy Shack, where the line was probably a dozen people deep. Anticipation curled down low in Lizzie’s belly as she got out of the car and locked it, then adjusted the strap of her hobo bag on her shoulder.
He turned around just before she reached him, and a smile lit his face even though she couldn’t really see his eyes because of his sunglasses.
“You’re back,” he said.
“Just. I dropped Charlie off at home and went looking for some trouble. And now I’ve found some.”
His cheeks flushed and she was glad of it. “Trouble?”
She shrugged. “I just didn’t feel like going back to the cottage yet. I need to … assimilate.”
He nodded and they took a step forward as the line moved. “Rough few days, huh?”
“I’ve had better. Though it wasn’t as bad as I expected. Probably because I put off going through a lot of the personal things and put them in a pod instead.”
“Rome wasn’t built in a day. Putting the house up for sale was a huge step. Good for you, Lizzie.”
Another step forward, closer to the order window.
“You’ve been there. You’d know.”
“Yep.” He nodded at her. “So. Trouble. What did you have in mind?”
About twenty things that she wouldn’t dare say in public. He looked delectable today, like some tanned, blond surfer god built for fun. “Well, it looks like first thing on my agenda is ice cream.”
“Wow. Living dangerously.”
“I know. I might go really crazy and have a swirl cone today. Soft-serve is my favorite.”
“And then what?”
She pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head. “A trip in the boat might be fun. Unless you don’t have her out today.”
“I just came back, actually. I took Matt and Suze out tubing in a nice little bay just north of here. Sarah picked them up at the wharf and I decided to grab an ice cream before heading home.”
“Oh. Well, never mind.”
They were nearly at the order window now. “We can still go out. I filled her with gas and there’s lots of afternoon left.”
