by A. M. Hudson
“Which one you want to be with, Ara.” David walked backward, shaking his head. “Let me know when it’s clear.”
Alone, in the cool cover of shade from the trees, Mike and I stared at each other for a while.
Chapter 12
With David on the couch and Mike hiding from Emily in his room, the house had lost the warm, happy feel it usually had at this time of night; no chatting over dinner, no piano and sing-along—just tension, quiet, and no one saying what they really wanted to say. I went to bed early, without telling David I’d met Jason, and without mentioning that we might have as long as three months left together.
David’s right. I looked up at my ceiling, as if my thoughts were easier to piece together on a white, plain surface. I do need to sort out what I want, because I do want Mike. Not like before, though. Not like when I was seventeen.
But there’s a toxic desire flooding through me every time I’m around him; a desire to do things that don’t really involve the heart at all—and it’s growing every day. I can’t breathe when I’m close to him, when I think of him.
I jumped out of bed and headed for the shower—a cold one. I needed to think.
David won’t make love to me, but my body’s obviously more than ready to take that step into adulthood. But if I choose to let Mike have that part of me—friends with benefits—David will leave, Emily will be sad, and I’ll be done with Mike eventually, because I don’t want to marry him.
We had a name for girls like me in high school—not a very nice name.
But it’s my heart; it won’t stop. I can’t help but to feel the need to be touched, and it disturbs me that it’s grown stronger since Jason brought it to my attention. I wonder if he planted something in me, some desire pill that makes me this way, or if he was right, if I really am just that sort of girl.
I let the cold water run over my neck and shoulders, washing away some of the burn of desire.
No one wants to admit what they truly are, in fact, it’s so much easier to lie to yourself than to almost anyone in the world. I don’t want to be promiscuous or needy. I just want to be loved, by someone who wants to be with me, who will fight to stay with me forever, death and imminent torture standing between us, or not. Is that so much to ask?
And then, I have to wonder if my feelings for Mike mean I don’t really love David?
But, my heart soars every time I think of that damn vampire. I definitely love him. And I love Mike too. Is the heart really capable of loving two people, wholly and unconditionally, at the same time?
Shivering and wet, no closer to any real conclusions about love, I climbed into bed, too emotionally drained to bother with anything more than underwear and a singlet.
As the chill in my skin caused the shivers from hell to exhaust me further, I dropped into a sound sleep, finding a dream among the senseless images; a meadow opened up before me, not the place I’d dream of David sometimes, but a wide, grassy plane. Under the silvery light of the moon, the swaying pastures turned whitish-blue. I walked toward the great, wide tree at the centre of the dark-surrounded space—running my fingers through the tips of the long grass.
There were no stars tonight, and the clouds, hanging low—like my mood—glowed, kind of blue under the half moon. Even the boy at the centre of the field had a silvery glow to his body, his dark hair reflecting the light.
“Ara,” he whispered from beside me suddenly, forcing my heart to start again in my throat.
“Jason, you scared me.” I touched a hand to my chest. “Where are we? Is this a dream?”
“Not quite.”
“What is it then?”
“It’s a mind-link—a kind of meeting place.”
“Am I asleep?” I looked around the tranquil, breezeless space.
“Yes.”
“How is this possible?”
“The mind is capable of many things, Ara—this is just one of them.”
“So, what is this—like, an illusion, or are you real?”
He smiled and reached an upturned palm between us; I looked at his hand. “Go on—” he nodded, “—touch it.”
Slowly, with a slight tremble in my fingertips, I reached across and placed my hand against his; smooth, tickly, cool. “It’s real? You’re real.”
“As real as your mind wants me to be.”
“So, is this something only you can do, or can David—”
“No, he hasn’t the skill.” Jason looked away then, squeezing my fingers firmly.
I pulled my hand away. “Can you hurt me here?”
“Not any more than I can when you’re awake.”
“So, yes. You can.” My body tensed a little.
“I have no desire to.”
“Why did you bring me here?”
“You wanted answers. We can talk privately here.”
“Where is here? Is this a made up place, or somewhere real?”
Jason huffed softly, with a smile. “This is your dream, Ara.” He motioned around the open field. “Of course, it’s usually daylight here, but I guess you’re feeling sad tonight.”
“What? Usually daylight? We’ve done this before?” My mouth stayed open.
He smiled, walking toward the single, widespread tree at the centre of the field. “Yes, but I never let you remember.”
“What?” I stood motionless.
“This is not the first time we’ve met like this—and it won’t be the last.” His voice became distant as his silhouette disappeared under the tree.
“So, when do we meet?” I moved then, eager to find him again. “How long has this been going on?”
“A while.” He sat down, leaning his spine against the tree.
“So, how come I don’t remember?”
“I erase it from you.” A smile crept onto his lips, a secret smile, and he looked away.
Why? “What do we do—why do you need to erase it?”
“We talk mostly.” He reached up for my hand. “You kissed me last time.”
“What? I would never—”
“But you did.”
I slumped heavily on the ground beside him, ignoring his hand. “Why?”
“You’re in love with me. It’s why you can’t seem to hate me, no matter how hard you try.”
“I am not!”
“Shh.” He rose to his knees and placed a finger to my lips. “Look into your heart, sweet girl. You’ve been curious, haven’t you? As to why you feel the way you do.” His gentle eyes pleaded with mine. “You love me, you love who I am now.”
I shook my head, swallowing back the soul-crushing realisation.
“You see? It’s true. Even your heart knows.”
“How long?” I couldn’t breathe. What have I done? What’s wrong with me? “How long have we been coming here—meeting like this?”
“Since Karnivale.” He sat back down, rested his head against the bark of the tree, and smiled.
“You made me fall in love with you? Why would you do this to me—to David?”
“Hey! I haven’t done anything, Ara,” he retorted. “You fell for me. I only ever came here to talk to you—and you kissed me.” He pointed to his chest, looking so human, so vulnerable with his glassy eyes. “Besides—” he sat back against the tree, “—I don’t care much for my brother, you know that.”
“Well, I would if you’d let me remember!”
Jason said nothing; he simply let out a breath and looked down.
“Let me remember this one? Please?”
“Out of the question.”
“Then why did you ask me to come—why not just sneak in—like normal?”
“I don’t sneak in. Ever.” He sat forward, his elbows on his knees. “I always ask you. I just erase our meetings in the real world as well.”
“Why?” I touched my collarbone. “And why didn’t you erase it when you saved me—at Karnivale?”
“Because I wanted you to remember that.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s when things changed. T
hat’s when you started to feel safe with me.”
“I don’t feel safe with you.”
“Yes, you do.” Jason smiled warmly. “You lay with me, talk with me for hours, hold my hand.”
“Then why would you erase that? Just to start all over again each time we meet here?”
“Because I have to. I don’t want to erase it.” He stole my hand and ran his thumb over my fingertips. “But Ara, if you remember seeing me every time we meet, then you would’ve left David by now. You’re mine—you love me, and you’re confused about that—about how you feel for him.” He dropped his head, his voice softened. “I don’t want you to feel conflicted. It’s not the only reason, but, by erasing this from your mind, it saves you all the heartache; it saves me from losing you, and it means we get to have these nights.” Jason smiled at my gaping mouth. “When David leaves again, we can be together. Until then, this is all we can have.”
“No. No way. I don’t believe you,” my voice constricted with panic.
“Look at the proof, Ara,” Jason’s voice rose slightly, edgily, as if he was afraid. “Look around. Does it look like I’m making this up?” He held up our linked fingers; “Look how easily you touch me. You know this is the truth.”
“Oh, God.” I pulled my hand free and covered my cheeks. “How could I do this to David?”
“Don’t be sad, sweet girl.” Jason slid his fingertips under my chin; I looked, reluctantly, into his emerald eyes. “It’s just love. You feel for me, you know me better than anyone else in the world; I’m not what I used to be. Please—” he closed his eyes tight, “—don’t try to hate me. It took me so long to get you to trust me.”
“And yet, you betray it by erasing my mind?”
“It’s complicated.” He looked down at our hands.
“So, if you’ve been erasing things?” I brushed my hair from my face as the wind picked up and blew it into my eyes. “Is that why I’ve been so forgetful lately?”
“Yes.”
It all made sense. The night I went to get custard, the day I was late for Spencer’s birthday and so, so many other times. I pieced it all together, anxiously scratching at my collarbone. “Then, it’s been longer than since Karnivale…”
“Yes, and no.” He sat forward, his eyes wider. “We’ve not been meeting here. Not before that—but I—” He paused.
“What? Tell me?”
“You caught me out, in the real world, following you a few times.”
“You were following me?”
“Yes, I—I just wanted to talk to you. But you got so scared. I had to erase it.”
“Why? What did you do to me?”
“Nothing, Ara. It’s just—you weren’t ready to talk to me the first few times—not until after I saved you.”
“And we’ve been meeting here since then? Doing God-knows-what?” I looked around the field, the place I came to each night to betray my one true love.
“We haven’t done anything wrong, Ara. I wouldn’t let you do that, but, I—” He looked at my lips, his shoulders dropping with what looked like a pleasant exhale, “—I did let you kiss me last time.”
I felt numb all the way through my soul. What would David say, what would he think to know I was twisted enough to fall for the very man who tortured and tried to kill me—his own brother for that matter? “He’ll never forgive me.” I covered my mouth.
“You see, and that’s why I can’t let you have these memories. You didn’t mean to fall for me.” He pushed my hand away from my mouth. “And I never meant for that to happen either, but it did, and now we have to deal with this as best we can.”
“Deal with it?” I said, incredulous. “How do we deal with it?”
“By keeping quiet. I’ll keep these memories from you, so you don’t have to feel the confusion in the real world, and when he’s gone, I’ll give them all back to you.”
“No. This is wrong. I—I have to tell David.” I went to stand; Jason grabbed my hand.
“Ara, he’ll leave now if you do.”
I stopped and looked down at him. “He deserves the truth.”
“Yes, but when he looks at you, when he grabs you and tells you he hates you for the way you feel, you’ll hate me, Ara, and I can’t bear that.”
“Hate you? Is that any different to how I feel now?”
“Yes.” He pushed up off the ground, like a human, and came to stand before me. “Because you don’t hate me now.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No. You want to hate me, because you know you should, and you can’t understand why you don’t.”
“Uh—” my words escaped me.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” He gently linked his fingertips with mine, standing close to me, palm to palm. “You told me that—your very own words, right before you kissed me.”
“You’re a liar!”
“I would never lie to you. I have nothing to gain from this.”
“Except to see your brother hurting.”
“That’s what you think this is about?” He let me take my hand from his, and as I turned quickly away from his boisterous smile, taking a step backward, he appeared in front of me. “Ara, don’t go? Stay.”
“I need to go, Jason. I need to clear my head.” My eyes filled with tears while I studied his face, feeling things I didn’t want to feel, but knew, all the same, that I did. And the worst part was, they were my feelings. I could tell, from how deeply they rose within me, charging me with heat and numbness all at the same time.
But how could I have felt anything other than hatred? It couldn’t be true.
“But it is true. Please, Ara, don’t do this? I don’t want to lose another person that I love.” His hand edged toward me. “All of them, sweet girl, you know this story, you know my story—they all turned against me. I have no one left.” His voice broke, and the depth of his emerald eyes seemed to look right into my soul. My heart skipped a beat. “Please. I’m begging you—don’t leave me.”
“No!” This is a lie. It has to be. Oh, God, please let it be a lie. “I don’t have feelings for you—you’re a monster,” I yelled. “I hate you!”
“Ara.” Jason tried to pull me closer.
“Get off me! Let me go.” I shook my head, anger pushing my tears out over my cheeks.
“It was just a kiss. Please don’t fight the way you feel about me.”
“No! I don’t believe you. I would never kiss you.” I tugged my arm in his grip, trying to break free. “Let me go—let me go!”
“Ara, Ara!” Cold arms wrapped around me, trapping me, pinning me down.
“No!” I kicked, wriggling about in his embrace. “No. I’d never kiss you. I hate you. I hate you.”
“Is she okay?”
“Ara—wake up!” Mike’s voice came softly into my ear.
My eyes flashed open to a very concerned, very confused pair of faces looking down at me.
“Ara?” Mike frowned. “Are you okay, baby?”
“It’s just a dream.” I blinked, sitting up a little in my bed. “Mike, David—why are you here?”
“I heard you screaming.” Mike looked at David.
“Ara—” David smoothed my tangled hair from my face. “What were you dreaming about, sweetheart?”
A flash of memory struck my mind; blue, silver, moonlight, and…Jason. His arms, my skin, my hair—brushing against his shoulder—my face, turning slightly as he leaned toward me and…
“Nothing. I—” I looked at the memory again. “I don’t remember.”
“Liar.” Mike shook his head, folding his arms as he stood back. “You’ve always been a terrible liar. David?” He nodded at him then. “Read her mind.”
“No, I won’t do that to her. She has a right to her own thoughts.” David laid back on the bed, as if he’d been there all night, and not on the couch—away from me. “If she wishes to tell me, I’m sure she will.”
Mike huffed and walked away, stopping by my door. “I can help you, Ara. I can help you deal
with whatever the problem is.”
No. You can’t. I kissed Jason. I’m sick and twisted and masochistic—you can’t help me. “I know, Mike—I’m sorry. I’ll tell you if I remember.”
The door closed behind him and a pair of eyes burned into the side of my face; David leaned on his hand, smiling. “You know, don’t you?”
“The dream?” I rubbed my face. Outside, the morning attempted to sneak through my curtains.
David waited, with an expectant raise to his brow.
“No. I don’t remember.” I rolled away and covered myself with the blanket, afraid to fall asleep again.
“Was it Mike—is that why you were screaming I hate you?”
“No! I don’t hate him,” I scoffed into my blanket.
“You want to be with him?” David asked softly.
“Sometimes. Not like I want you, though. But it’s too strong a feeling to just ignore. Which is another reason you and I have to remain just friends.”
“So conflicted, my Ara,” he said soothingly and ran a finger over the base of my neck, then down my spine. “So, what are you going to do? Wait for me to leave, then sleep with him?”
“David?” I looked over my shoulder at him, disgusted he said that.
“Just asking,” he said, palms up.
“Maybe if you’d sleep with me, I wouldn’t have desires for him anymore—since I’d be bound to you.”
“True, but when I leave, how will you move on?”
“Easy—don’t leave.” I grinned.
His round eyes focused, seeming to contemplate a thousand scenarios behind them all at once as he stared at my face. “Go back to sleep.” He stood up and walked to the door. “You’re clouding my mind.”
Things kept playing over in my mind, like a song with no ending note. I couldn’t fight the battle of conscience—there was no winning. I’d dreamed of kissing the man who tried to kill me. Had actually kissed my best friend, tearing Emily’s heart out in the process. And the worst part was, the only thing I really cared about was how I felt in my dream last night; how close I felt to Jason, how...safe I felt. That little dream world had more of a hold on me than I wanted to admit.
I sat at the table, drumming one set of fingers, propping my chin up with the others, letting the horrid coffee I made myself go cold. It was more of a prop anyway, an excuse to sit at the table and listen to David and Emily giggling and mucking about while making food they didn’t really need to eat.
