by Shan
Rozalyn
Copyright © 2014 by SBR Publications
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher.
Dedication
This is dedicated to the loves of my life; Stevien, Zhaniah, and Zamaria. Mommy Loves y'all and to Stevien "Stebow" Derricks. R.I.P.
Acknowledgements
I would like to start off by saying thank you to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, without the blessings he has stored upon me then none of this would be possible.
Thanks to my children: Stevien, Zhaniah and Zamaria, whom have been really patient with me and supported me all the way. Mommy loves you. My mother Lucy Miles, father Robert Richardson and step-mother Linda Richardson, I love you guys so much and thanks for all that you have done and continue to do for me.
To my sister Shonethia, thanks for the criticism and encouraging words it really means a lot. My brother Ju-Ju love you so much! Thanks to my sissy Ja'Lisa; who told me I am the reason she reads so much. You don’t know how much that means to me! Love you girl!
Thanks Auntie Tricia for the continued support that you give!
My niece Amanda; thanks for the free baby-sitting, it’s really appreciated!
My cousin Pac-Man we about to start doing big things so keep that pen ready. Love you cus!
To my best friends Sharonda and Sha; you’ll been dealing with me back and forth on this, and I thank you all so much for having my back. I think I finally got it together! (insider)
To my family on sides I love you all and may God continue to bless and keep a tight hold over all us.
1: Rozalyn
Ugghh!! I hate living in these damn projects. These pissy smelling halls make me sick to my stomach. I swear I can't wait until the day I graduate from school and get the hell out of here. As long as I keep my grades up and do well on my SATs I'm going to be at somebody's college earning a degree. I never want to see the inside of these projects again.
I've been living here in Atlanta for the past few months with a daddy that I never knew, his wife that I don't like, my brother Zavier, and a cousin that don't like me. Meeting your daddy for the first time at the age of fifteen is not easy. I hate the fact that I favor my daddy because I want nothing to do with him. My mama thought it would be best for me to come down here, so she packed me up and sent me away. She told me she couldn't stand the sight of me anymore. She said it would be the best thing for the both of us if I moved in with my daddy. What kind of mess is that?
When I came here, I found some things out though; found out that a lot of the things my mama told me were lies. I hated her for that. I miss her though; miss her so much that every time I think of her my head hurts. It hurts so bad that sometimes I can't even see straight. Why did she have to do me like this? I am so mad at her right now for the predicament that she has put me in.
It’s all her fault that I live in this region that I am forced to call my home. No one should have to sleep with all these roaches and rats, and no one should have to look down when they are walking to prevent from stepping on used and dirty needles. It's so many crack heads around here that it makes my skin crawl. I have never seen so many drugged out junkies in my life until I came here.
I know I should stop complaining about my living situation and thank God that I am not a ward of the state. I could be in some foster home or group home for girls wishing I had a place to call my own. I don't wanna be one of those girls that are juggled from place to place, raped, and abused by their foster dads. That shit happens you know. It's not just on movies and in books. People really do grimy stuff like that.
I don't have anyone to look after me, but me. I walked down the street to the burger joint and walked up to the counter to order my food.
"Can I have a number one with cheese, please? No Onions, no tomatoes, pickles and extra mayo?" I asked and began to think about my life. My dad ain't never did shit for me and even though I'm here living in his house he still don't do shit for me. I guess he feels like all he has to do is keep a roof over my head, and that was enough.
I have to buy my own clothes, food, tampons, and anything else I needed to survive in this world. I have too much pride to ask him for anything, especially if asking would cause him to get some sense of joy because he provided me with a meal or bought me school clothes. For fifteen years, he was absent.
He knew about me and never once did he send me a dollar or even a birthday card. Hell, I never even got a phone call from this man; this man called daddy. Guess I was one of the lucky ones blessed with such great parents.
Ever since I came to this corny ass state all I have experienced was ridicule and embarrassment. People point and make fun of me like I'm something from outer space. There aren't very many black and Filipino girls living here. I'm mixed with something nobody has even heard of and because of that it makes me weird.
The whites don't accept me because no matter what I'm mixed with I'm still black, the blacks hate me because they don't know what the hell I'm made up of, and the Filipinas hate me because I'm not all Filipino. To everyone here, I'm something like a space monkey.
Chicks here pick fights with me 'cause the color of my skin looks bad and 'cause I got funny looking eyes. In New York, I was voted most popular and most likely to succeed. In New York, there was a mixture of everything: White-Black, White-Mexican, Black-Mexican, Black-Chinese, and everything else that can be mixed together.
Nothing was out of the ordinary until I got here. My self-esteem is so low that it's underneath the ground I walked on. All I could do now was just play the cards that life had dealt me.
As soon as I grabbed my food and turned around, my boyfriend Andre walked in the door. He was rambling on his cell phone as usual. Andre was the first guy I met when I moved down here. He took the time to get to know me, and he was willing to work with my situation, unlike most guys.
I am a virgin and very proud of myself. Twenty percent of my peers are pregnant, and some are working on their second child. Forty-five percent of my peers have caught a sexually transmitted disease and a good thirty percent have dropped out of school. I have too many plans for myself. I wasn't about to mess that up by allowing a nigga to climb between my legs and get a few minutes of satisfaction.
My mouth and mind were my best assets. I didn't have to give up the nookie to get what I wanted. My relationships may not have lasted long, but I got to walk away with my pride. I didn't give a dude anything to talk about with his homies.
"Why you got that frown on your face?" Andre asked as he grabbed one of my fries off my plate. No matter how much I tried to hate him, I couldn't. He always had a way of getting to me.
"Don't eat my food, go get your own," I said to him. I lied to Andre about my age, something that I didn't do until I got here. It was mainly 'cause my mama never allowed me to talk to any guys that were over a year older than me and Andre is five years older than me. I know if my mama could see me now, she would slap the shit out of me. I've always had an eye for older guys because the younger ones were too immature and were nowhere near my level.
"You gone tell me what you came here to talk to me about?" I asked curious to know why he called me at three in the morning telling me he had something serious to talk to me about. I kind of knew what it was, but I just sat there and waited for him to say whatever it was that was on his mind.
"This what we got; this
shit just not working ma'. I cut for you like a muh'. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Holding you at night, cuddling up with you is all good, but a nigga be wanting a little more than that you know?" Trying to sound as sensitive as he possibly could, Andre broke it off with me just like I knew he would.
I was already expecting it though. For the past couple of weeks, he had been begging me for sex, but I was just not about to let that happen. Andre was not the guy that I wanted to marry.
"Why you just couldn't tell me that over the phone? I already knew what you wanted to talk to me about anyway. Don't worry, I'm not tripping, you can go ahead and fuck Tasha like you been doing, and now you don't have to hide it."
"I ain't been fucking Tasha," Dre said with the awfulest look on his face.
I knew about Tasha when it first started, but I chose to ignore it. I wasn't satisfying him, so why go on a rampage about him screwing another chick.
"Why would I have sex with her? You should know me better than that, Rozalyn."
Look at him, he can't even look me in the face. I wonder if he really felt bad about it or was he just doing it to make it look like he had a heart.
"I told you I ain't tripping, this has been real cool. I'm not mad at you, like I told you before most dudes don't stick around as long as you," I said unable to finish my sentence. I completely lost all thought, and forgot what I was talking about for a moment when this fine specimen entered the room.
"What's good my nigga? You can't come see your fam, huh? I mean I'm still fam, right?"
Damn who the hell was he? I know I don't know everybody around these parts, but this dude here was on point; my type of dude. I don't know why my smart butt was so attracted to these thug ass niggas. I loved them.
He had the total package: six-one, two-hundred twenty pounds, caramel skin, clean shaven goatee, and a mouth full of golds. Looking at him made me wet a little bit, and that don't happen often. I simply forgot about the fact that my boyfriend was now my ex because dude had come through and confused my whole state of mind.
"What up, Tae?" Andre stood up and gave him a hug. I could see that there was some tension between the two because whatever they was doing right now wasn't sincere and seemed like an only at the moment type of thing. "Tae, this my girl, Roz, Roz this my cousin Tae." Andre introduced me as his girl, how funny being that he just dumped me five minutes ago.
"I'm not his girl; he just broke up with me, but nice to meet you cousin Tae," I ate my last fry and got up from the table. "I guess I'll be seeing you around. Andre tell Tasha I said hey," I said as I walked away.
Damn, why did I just say that? Now I sound like a bitter, scorned ex-girlfriend, and I was neither of those. He could screw Tasha disease having ass all day long. I didn't care.
***
I woke up at three a.m. the next morning after having a bad nightmare. It took me back to a place that I didn't wanna go to. I began to realize how much I was going to miss Andre. He was usually there for me when I woke up in cold sweats like this. I know I wasn't there for him sexually, but I was there for him.
I didn't care about his money, and didn't care about the car he drove. All I cared about was him, and for him to break up with me was just wrong.
I was always there for him when he needed to talk, and always listened to every word that he said. I know I pretended earlier like I didn't care, and that was 'cause I was so used to this; so used to having my heart broken.
I knew what it was coming, and I knew that he eventually was going to leave me. I should have been prepared. Damn, why is so hard to be a virgin and find love? My mama would always tell me that I didn't need a boyfriend and that I was too young, but I begged to differ.
I never felt love from the other sex before, and I longed for it. I wanted it so bad. I needed to know what it felt like to have somebody besides myself to love me.
I decided to call Andre to see if I can reason with him, let him see that I was a good female and that he could love me if he just saw past the physical part. Maybe, he was the guy I wanted to marry. I know we had only been together for three months, but if he had just given me time maybe I would have been ready to take that next step with him.
He didn't answer for me, and he normally does, so I guess that means that it's over with us. There was nothing I could do to get him back. Damn, I hate to have a broken heart. It always seems like there was no coming back from it.
I attempted to lie back down and get some sleep, but it was impossible. I decided to get on up and head for school. After taking a quick shower and getting dressed, I stopped at a breakfast truck to get me a couple of burritos.
"Them lil' burritos are off the chain huh?" I remembered that voice from yesterday; wasn't nothing like it that I had ever heard. "Hey, let me get three with tatas and no beans, extra cheese, and I got hers too."
"You ain't gotta pay for my food," I said rolling my eyes. Even though I appreciate the gesture, I hated for a dude to buy me something and feel like I owed them something for it later.
"I know I ain't gotta pay, but I want to. Anyway you family," Tae said with every gold in his mouth shining brighter than the sun. Damn this dude got mad swag, and he ain't doing nothing but standing here.
"I'm not your family. I don't know what makes you think that." I knew exactly what made him think that, but I guess he didn't hear me yesterday when I said I was Andre's ex, and that he broke up with me. I hate when niggas do shit like that. He knew damn well I said we were broken up.
I allowed Tae to pay for my food and walked away to sit at the bus stop. I looked up to see Tae following me across the street and then took a seat beside me. We didn't say anything for the first two minutes, 'cause I was wondering why the hell a nigga with all them diamonds in their mouth would be sitting at the damn bus stop.
I silently hoped he had a car and was just being kind and courteous because he wanted to make sure that I got on the bus safely. I mean; I didn't care if he had a car or not, but it would just seem that he had his priorities a little bit mixed up if he spent all his money on his grill, the hundred and eighty dollar J's, Coogi fit, and some Luis V locs and didn't have a damn car.
"You going to go see Andre?" He finally broke the silence with that dumb ass question. I didn't get upset because I could see he was trying to spark up a conversation.
"Your cousin broke up with me. I ain't got any reason to go and see him."
"That mean you on the market then, huh?"
"No, I'm not for sale sweetie." He was fine and everything but the more he talked, the more turned off I became. Who the hell was he to talk to me like I was some kind of purse sitting in a window or something?
"Damn, I ain't mean it like that. I'm just saying you ain't tied down to nobody. That mean I can take you out."
He said that like there wasn't anything wrong with the fact that me and his cousin were just in a relationship. I know we never did anything, but I still think that it was disrespectful for me to date within the fam.
Before I could say anything, an all-black Nissan pulled up with tinted windows, and four niggas jumped out the car. Two had rifles; one had a glock on him, and the other had an AK-47. I knew a lot more about guns that I would have liked to, but having a couple of them shoved in your face kind of gives you a little knowledge than most teenage girls would like
. I jumped up immediately from the bus stop and attempted to take cover, but there wasn't really anywhere to run. I looked over at Tamar and noted that he didn't move and was still eating on his last burrito that he got from the breakfast stand.
"My nigga Lil' A say you and your boys came through here and ran him off our block," the little puny dude with the AK-47 yelled while jumping in Tae's face.
I was really scared now; scared for Tae and scared that one of those bullets may just ricochet and hit me. I froze. I could have run back home 'cause they were not focused on me, but my legs immobilized and kept me in the position I was hiding in behind the bus stop.
"Who the fuck is Lil A and why the fuck he let my boys run his bitch ass off? My nigga you know what the fuck it is 'round here. Y'all bitch ass niggas wasn't bringing in no paper, so I gots to do what I gots to do. Get the fuck away from me with that bullshit. Y'all sorry ass niggas ain't brave enough to even bust your guns, so get the fuck on!" Tae shot back with his words, and each one of those gangsters facial expressions went from bad to worse.
"Shoot this nigga Antwan! Put some holes in this nigga brain bruh." That was the one standing in the back closest to the car; he was holding the Glock. He was a fat nasty looking dude, hiding behind the rest of them.
I couldn't believe it was seven in the morning and these niggas were standing here holding somebody up in broad daylight. Damn, I hate I ever moved here. Everyday it's the same shit.
"You shoot him nigga!" yelled the puny thug with the Ak-47. Sweat was dripping from his brow, and his legs seemed a little unstable. I didn't know what was about to happen, but I prayed to God that they would just walk away before somebody got hurt.
Tae stood up from the bus stop and got up in the puny’s dude face. I knew this shit was about to end real bad 'cause each one of those thugs came closer. All four guns were drawn and pointed right at Tae's head.
Soon as I blinked my eye, Tae snatched the gun away from the puny dude, and hit him in the face with the butt of the gun He fell face first to the pavement and blood shot from his eyes. The other three thugs froze and now Tae had a gun pointed on them.
All of a sudden, six vehicles pulled up, and all were full of goons. They all jumped out simultaneously, and each one of them pointed guns at the four stick up kids. I didn't know who this Tae was, but just like that twenty niggas came to his rescue without him even making a call.
"Y'all know who the fuck y’all fucking with?" A tall, muscular dude with braids said as he walked next to Tae. He didn't have not one weapon in hand and the bandits started to back away.
