by Trudy Stiles
“Never,” I promise, leaving my hand on her knee.
“And thank you for checking with everyone. You didn’t have to do that, you know.”
“I figured there had to be a logical explanation. And I hated seeing you so sad today. Like I said earlier, you don’t deserve to be sad. Ever.”
She looks up, our eyes connect and she exhales slowly.
“Yeah. I guess.” There’s still something going on with her that I can’t put my finger on. Almost like she either doesn’t trust the explanation that I gave her or something more.
“Are you sure you’re okay now?” I have this overwhelming need to continue to push her for the truth about the bruise on her face.
As if she’s reading my mind, she touches her cheek and drops her hand into her lap.
“Everything is fine,” she insists. “I’m just a colossal klutz.” A weak smile spreads across her face, and I feel a little relief, but not much.
“Here,” I remove my hand from her knee to pick up her present, placing it on her lap. “Happy Birthday.”
“Thank you. You didn’t have to, you know.” She blushes as she opens the card.
I stop her. “You can read that later.” There’s something inside the card that I want her to read when she’s alone. It’s embarrassing, and since we’re in her closet, it would feel really weird if she reads it in front of me. I suddenly regret scribbling that poem for her. I know she saw it this morning, and I just ripped it out of my notepad and shoved it in her card. It’s a sloppy mess.
“Okay,” she says and starts to open the wrapping paper gently and quietly. “What is it?” she asks, excited.
“You’ll see, just open the box.”
She pushes the torn paper onto the floor next to her and removes the lid from the box. When she pulls back the tissue paper inside, she gasps, bringing one of her hands to her lips. “Oh my God, this is gorgeous!” she whisper-shrieks. “Where did you get it?”
She pulls the crescent moon-shaped light catcher from the box, holding it above her head. “It’s seriously beautiful.” She squints her eyes, trying to see the light from the ceiling in her closet reflecting through the multicolor shapes that fill the inside.
“I’m glad you like it,” I say, feeling my face flush. My family spent a week down at Long Beach Island right after school got out, and this was the nicest one in the store. She looks back at me and smiles.
“I don’t know what to say.” Her eyes glisten again as she lowers the moon, placing it gently in her lap. “I’m going to hang this in my window.”
I nod and my butt is starting to fall asleep. I stretch my legs out in front of me, brushing against her bare leg and lean back on my hands.
“This was the second best gift I received today.” She smiles and touches a long silver chain that’s dangling around her neck.
“Second best? Now I’m insulted,” I joke.
She reaches into her dress, and I squirm a little. What is she doing?
“My father gave me this.” At the end of the long chain she pulls out is a giant gem.
“Is that a diamond?” I ask, in disbelief.
She nods her head. “It belonged to my mother.”
She’s told me about her mother and how she died so young. She was too young to even know her, only a few months old.
“It’s beautiful,” I mutter, not really knowing if it’s the right thing to say. “It’s nice that you have something that was hers.”
“I’ll always keep it close to my heart.” She drops the diamond back into her dress, and her hand falls onto my shin. “And you gave me something equally as beautiful today. Thank you.”
Her light touch does something to me, and my leg begins to tingle. “As soon as I saw it, I knew you would love it.”
Then she does something completely unexpected. She leans forward and quickly brushes her lips against my cheek, barely making contact.
I freeze in place, my arms are stiff and pushing into the floor behind me. What the hell was that?
“Umm,” I stammer, unable to speak coherently. She just kissed me. My mind is racing. Was that like a kiss–kiss? Or like a friend kiss? Or a ‘you’re like a brother to me’ kiss?
“Sorry, I–” her voice shakes and without another thought, I pull my arm from its support position behind me and wrap my hand around the back of her head, crushing my lips clumsily to hers. I leave them there for a long time, both of us breathing through our noses, not moving at all. My eyes pop open and hers are wide and staring at me, almost alarmed.
I back away from her slowly, first dropping my hand from behind her head, then pulling away my lips that are practically stuck to hers. “Shit,” I say, embarrassed. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Is it because of Haley?” she asks.
“What? No. What are you talking about?” Now I’m really confused. Why would she bring up her name again? Does she think Haley and I? No. What?
“Never mind.” She scoots away from me.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean–” This can’t get any more awkward.
“That’s okay.” Her shoulders drop along with her head.
“I’m not trying to take advantage of you, if that’s what you think.” So many of my friends have talked about playing games with girls in closets. And here I am. In a closet. With a girl. Shit.
“I know,” she whispers.
“Seriously. I didn’t mean to do that.” Wait. Yes I did. Did I? I need to get out of here.
“I get it.”
“You do?” Good. I think? Shit.
“It’s really late, Heath. Your parents must be wondering where you are.” She attempts to stand up and winces, quickly grabbing her side. “Ah,” she groans.
“Are you okay?” I ask, forgetting the awkward tension between us and place my hands on her arms. She jerks away as if my touch burns.
“I’m fine. My legs fell asleep.”
“You’re holding your side, not your legs, and you look like you’re in a ton of pain.” What is going on with her?
She manages to get to her feet and drops her hands to her sides, trying to hide the pain that I still see in her eyes.
“I’m fine. I swear.”
“I don’t believe you. Did you also fall down a flight of stairs when you ‘walked into the door?’” I use air quotes and immediately regret it.
Her face contorts from pain to anger.
“Well, I really don’t care if you believe me or not. It’s time for you to go.” She pushes past me and opens the closet door quietly before turning the overhead light off. We’re in complete darkness, faint moonlight shining in through her back window.
“I’m sorry, Noelle. I’m really sorry.” I don’t know what I’m apologizing for. The fact that I don’t believe her weak lie or because I kissed her. No. I’m not sorry for either.
“It’s okay. Really. Thanks for caring. And thank you for my birthday gift.” She pauses and brushes her pinkie finger against mine. “You made my birthday really special, and I’ll never forget it.”
Without thinking, I loop my pinkie finger around hers, linking them together. Linking us together. We walk to her window like this and I break our connection reluctantly, bringing my hand up to her bruised cheek. “Please be careful,” I beg, and I’m not sure what I’m even begging her to be careful of. I’m just so worried about her.
“I will,” she whispers. “Catch a couple fireflies on the way home.”
“I’d catch a million for you.” Her eyes light up, a smile on her lips. I want to kiss her again. So bad. But all I do is stare into her eyes and back away. I push the window open as quietly as I can and slide out onto the grass.
“Happy Birthday, Noelle.”
She smiles as we both slide the window gently along the track, closing it.
She leaves her hand pressed against the window and I immediately do the same, covering hers, only the glass pane separating us.
&nb
sp; Her smile is weak and full of pain.
A pain that I would take away from her in an instant if I could.
Heath
Present
HER SQUEALS REACH an octave I’ve never heard before as she jumps into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist. “You’re home!”
I’ve never received this sort of welcome from her, her current response to me is off the charts. Haley Simon and I have known each other since kindergarten. Noelle used to swear she had a crush on me a long time ago, but I wouldn’t have noticed it if she did. I was too busy being head-over-heels in love with her and wouldn’t have seen Haley coming riding in on a roaring steam train.
But things are different now. Noelle is gone.
Haley’s been a fun ‘distraction.’ I ran into her several years ago, after we played a local show. She was with a bunch of girls from our old town, they were all screaming and swooning over the band. They used their connection with me to try to meet the rest of the guys. The only one who wasn’t attached at the time, besides me, was Garrett. I think he mowed through at least three of those girls before the weekend was out. Of course, that was the old Garrett, before Sam.
I don’t know what it was about Haley that drew me to her that night. She acted coolly indifferent toward me, not seeming to care that I’d become a mega superstar. She just saw me. Heath Strickland. And that was good. I don’t like pretending to be something more than that, even though my name carries more fame these days. I enjoy feeling like I’m back at home, surrounded by my family and the people that truly cared about me.
The first night we reconnected, we talked. A lot. She wanted to know if I ever heard what happened to Noelle. So many stories swirled around our close-knit town. So many theories speculated. Most of which were untrue. Haley and Noelle’s friendship throughout high school was strained and odd. Haley’s jealously of Noelle was obvious for years, but yet, they were cordial with each other. There was always this weird ‘thing’ between them when we were kids, something I could never quite put my finger on. One always thought the other one was talking behind her back, spreading rumors. I knew that it had something to do with me, Noelle worried that Haley had a crush on me. It was all such trivial, meaningless, grade school girly bullshit. It went on for a while, until that night that I kissed Noelle for the first time. Our ‘sticky kiss’ as we used to call it. That’s when she realized that Haley was insignificant. I didn’t have feelings for her back then. Noelle was everything to me.
Haley brings me back to reality by showering my face in wet kisses. “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you!”
I tense my arms around her. This isn’t what we’re all about. We don’t ‘miss’ each other. We don’t throw ourselves all over each other. We just have sex. Completely unattached, casual, never spend the night, sex.
“Okay?” I say, easing her out of my arms.
She’s bouncing up and down on her toes, ready to shoot off like a rocket.
“When did you get home?” she asks.
“The other night.” I realize I never sent the booty call text I was planning on sending the night we came home. Then I slept for two days straight. And spent another day in Garrett’s studio, listening to the stunning melodies he created for my songs. Noelle’s songs.
“Oh.” Her face drops, and she suddenly stops bouncing. This is exactly what I don’t want. Emotions. Feelings.
Fuck.
“This tour really kicked my ass,” I admit, reaching out to touch her arm.
She flinches away from me and backs up into her living room.
“I thought you’d be happier to see me,” she whines. Fucking whines.
I can’t do this. My skin begins to itch. She’s acting like a girlfriend. Something I haven’t had since Noelle.
“I am happy to see you, Haley. But I’ve slept most of the time I’ve been home trying to kick this jet lag, or whatever has taken all of my energy away.” Her mood is literally sucking the mojo right out of my dick.
“As long as you haven’t been avoiding me,” she purrs as a sly smile spreads across her face.
My dick shrinks further in my pants.
I don’t know what to say to her. She’s completely changed since I saw her over a year ago. One of the stops on the American leg of our tour was Philly, and she and I spent two days in bed, enjoying great, satisfying sex. There were no batting eyelashes, no pouty faces. What the fuck is going on?
“Haley, I–” I stop myself. I don’t want to get into a deep conversation about why she’s acting this way.
“Let’s relax for a little while,” she says, leading me over to the couch. “We need to talk.”
Fuck. Me.
I reluctantly sink down onto the couch while she settles into my side, lifting my arm and placing it around over her shoulders.
“I’ve been thinking. A. Lot,” she begins, and I suck in my breath. “For the past few years, when we’ve been able to see each other, it’s fast and furious. We have tons of sex. Great sex.”
Exactly.
I don’t respond, but sit still and listen. “What are we even doing? Do you have feelings for me?” My shoulders tense, and I wonder if she can feel it.
“Wait. Don’t answer that.” Her voice lowers, her eyes dropping.
We sit in silence for a few more minutes. “Haley, I don’t really have a definition for what this is. But I think you nailed it on the head. We’ve been casual. Very casual. And I’ve liked that.”
“I see.” Her eyes meet mine, and they glisten with tears. Shit.
“I’m not trying to be an asshole. But I’m also not looking for something long term.” Something binding.
“Okay. Then let’s just keep doing what we were doing.” She attempts to shrug off what I just said, but I can tell she’s hurt.
“Talk to me,” I urge, reluctantly.
“I didn’t realize how much I really liked us together until after you were gone for so long. I love our chemistry. I love the fun we have.”
Don’t. Say. It.
“I think I fell in love with you.”
Fuck.
“How is that possible?” I ask. This isn’t love. At least not for me.
“You bring me back. You make me feel things I haven’t felt for over a decade. The little girl in me loves that we’ve connected again. When we first hooked up, I was coming out of a really bad relationship. He was controlling and mean and–”
“Did he hurt you?” I blurt out, concerned about what she’s going to reveal.
“Not physically. No. It’s just, I wasn’t free with him. I wasn’t me. You changed that somehow, making me feel like I did before I was with him.”
“Oh.” She’s never revealed much about her previous relationship, and now I feel guilty for not asking. For not caring.
“Being with you makes me feel young and happy. Like I can do absolutely anything I want. I’m doing so well, I’m even up for a promotion at work.”
“I had no idea,” I admit, feeling even worse for not trying to find out anything else about her. I don’t even know what she does for a living.
I’ve been hooking up with the Haley from my youth. The one who had a crush on me for years, stowing it away to build and preserve a friendship with Noelle. The carefree Haley who just wanted to hook up, nothing more.
“It’s okay. Really. But I’ve come alive because of you. You’ve given me freedom that I hadn’t had. To be myself. To be anything I’ve wanted to be.”
“Haley, I didn’t give you anything. You did that all on your own.” Can’t she see that? We weren’t really together, how could I give her anything?
“No. You gave me my youth back. You made me forget about all of the bad shit that’s happened to me.”
I’ve heard similar words before, but not from her. From Noelle.
The difference is that I wanted to give Noelle back her youth. Her childhood. Her innocence. I wanted to love Noelle. And I did.
I don’t feel that way at all for Haley.<
br />
She slides onto my lap, straddling me. Her fingers slip into my hair as she bends forward, lips on mine, tongue stealing past my lips. She rocks back and forth on top of me, trying to elicit a response.
“Heath,” she murmurs against my lips. “Make love to me.”
My body stiffens beneath her and not in a good way. “Haley–”
She freezes. “Oh my God.” Realization sets in and she slides off of me, curling up in the corner of the couch. “I’m such a fucking idiot. Holy shit. What the fuck am I doing?”
“I’m sorry.” It’s not you, it’s me.
“I had this whole thing built up in my mind, you know?” she whines, eyes welling up once again. “I thought your feelings grew right along with mine. I had this whole scenario play out in my head, expecting, hoping you’d come through my door and sweep me off my feet. Begging me to be yours forever.”
“How could you?” I ask, sincerely. “What have I done to make you think we had anything more?” I’m blunt, but she needs to hear the truth to get her out of the delusion she’s been living in for so long.
“Oh don’t worry, pal. I hear you. Loud. And. Fucking. Clear. Let me just sit here and feel like an even bigger asshole than I already am.”
“I’m really sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about anything. I’m trying to be honest with you.”
She sits up straight, her back tight, eyes suddenly clear.
“Why don’t you be honest with yourself for a change?”
“What?” I ask, my guard down.
“You’re in love with a dead girl. You have been for years. Once you can admit it to yourself, you’ll be able to move on and finally open your heart, for real, to someone else.”
Her words stab me right in the chest, driving deep through muscle and bone, piercing my heart.
“What did you say?” I ask again in disbelief.
“You’re still in love with Noelle. And you’ll never be happy until you can finally let her go.” She shifts uncomfortably in her seat, wringing her hands.
I close my eyes, nodding my head. She couldn’t be more right, and I know my heart will never let go.
