by Chloe Maddox
“Oh?” My voice sounded tired and listless. “And what did you come up with?”
“I know that we have a long history, and that’s why it’s taken me this long to realize it…” He trailed off as he coughed awkwardly.
My gaze slid over to his, and I turned my entire body, so I was facing him. “It’s okay, David. I’ve been struggling with this too.”
He gave me a grim smile. “Then it isn’t just me?”
I shook my head. “No, the truth is, you and I haven’t been in a couple in a long time, and I think we just stayed because we’d gotten used to it.”
David nodded, eagerly, some of the tension leaving his body as his shoulders sagged. “Exactly, and it’s not just that, but also the fact that we were friends for a long time before this, and I didn’t want to risk jeopardizing that.”
“I wish you’d told me sooner, David. Instead of pushing me away and hurting me like that.”
David took my hand in his, his touch warm and familiar atop mine. “I know. I wish I’d gotten the courage sooner, and for that I am truly sorry. I have a lot of issues I need to work on Isabel including my intimacy issues. You weren’t wrong about that.”
“It’s not something I wanted to be right about,” I confessed as I looked down at our hands.
“Regardless, I’m glad we’re on the same page,” David revealed, some of the earlier anxiety in his tone dissipating. “Right?”
“We are,” I agreed. “I’m going to call Jessica.”
“Why?” His brows knitted together in confusion.
“I’ll spend the night there today, and tomorrow we can sort out the details. It is your place after all.”
“I don’t care about that. You can stay here if you need.”
I held up my hand to silence him. “No, it’s okay. Really. I insist.”
I stood up, ran my fingers across my clothes and began to pack an overnight bag. David was looking at me with a mixture of regret and something else I couldn’t identify.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work between us, Isabel. I truly am. You’re a hell of a woman. I hope you know that,” David said, sincerely.
“I’m sorry too,” I said, quietly as Jessica texted to let me know she was downstairs. I gave the apartment one last cursory look before I placed a quick kiss on David’s cheek. “Be happy, David, and I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
******
“So, how are we feeling today?” Jessica poked her head into the living room, her expression warm and sympathetic.
“We are doing just fine since the last time you asked me,” I responded as I continued to look at my phone. I was in the middle of a rather rigorous turn of candy crush, and it was keeping me focused on something other than what had happened.
“When was the last time I asked you?” Jessica’s voice echoed throughout her tiny apartment. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her smile sheepishly as the sound bounced back to her.
“Five minutes ago,” I said with a rueful smile.
“You’re sure you’re okay?” I could hear the sound of her footsteps as she padded into the living room, across the plush carpet and past the tiny kitchen.
“Yup,” I answered without pausing a beat.
Jessica bent down and snatched the phone out of my hand. “Why don’t you look me in the eye while saying that?”
I sighed and raised my chin. “I’m fine.”
“Uh-huh.” She narrowed her gaze as she continued to keep my phone out of reach. “Why don’t I believe you?”
“I don’t know. Am I supposed to be your shrink?” I asked, sarcastically as I raised an eyebrow.
“You could be.” Jessica shrugged. “Though I’m not sure how good you’d be at analyzing other people when you can’t even analyze yourself.”
“You know what they say, those who can’t do…” I trailed off as I made a sweeping hand gesture.
“Stop trying to change the subject, Izzy.” Jessica stepped over my legs which were using her coffee table as a stand, and she plopped onto the couch next to me. It made a soft noise in protest as it adjusted to our combined weight.
Jessica had a pretty snazzy apartment with random pieces of bohemian art hung up here and there, leftover from her college days, and walls that were painted a calming shade of lavender. She had feng shuied her apartment so many times in order to make sure she had the right balance that I’d honestly lost track of the many color schemes and design patterns she’d gone through.
All this new age crap really wasn’t my thing, but like any good best friend, I tried to be supportive. It also helped that I needed another topic for her to think about rather than hovering like an anxious mother.
The breakup was already weighing on my mind enough without factoring in how Jessica was feeling.
“You changed the color, right?” I gestured to the living room. “It’s good.”
“It’s supposed to be a peaceful color that brings out your inner Zen,” Jessica responded, instantly. “Complimenting my feng shui techniques won’t get me off your back, you know.”
I huffed as I crossed my arms over my chest and leveled her with a stare. “What will get you off my back then?”
“How about you tell me how you feel? And don’t you dare say fine,” Jessica suggested, and she shot me a look when I opened my mouth.
I closed it shut again as I pondered what to say.
The truth was, I really was fine.
I wasn’t making that part to spare her feelings or keep her from dealing with my pain or whatever. Nor was I in denial, or whatever other normal explanations she wanted to come up with.
I just was.
“I just broke up with my boyfriend, Jess. I’m not sure how I feel,” I said, slowly. “It’s still sinking in, I guess.”
“Okay, but you haven’t cried. Now, I know people deal with grief and loss in different ways, but I just want to make sure you know that you don’t have to bottle it up around me,” Jessica said, gently as she reached across and took my hand in hers.
“I know.” I gave her a small smile. “Don’t worry, Jess. I know that I’m in a safe space here, but it isn’t that.”
“What is it then?”
“I know I should feel this devastating heartache like I’ll never love again, but I don’t. I feel strangely…relieved,” I admitted as I ducked my head to avoid her gaze.
I was ashamed to admit it, but it was true.
I expected the pain to hit me like a tsunami once I moved my stuff out. It took me a day to get my stuff settled into Jessica’s place, and after that I sat down, stared at my stuff which was haphazardly tossed all over the apartment, but nothing happened.
Sure, I felt sad, but it wasn’t the bone deep crushing sense of loss that I expected to feel. I’d gone through breakups before, and I knew how it worked with me. I cried myself to sleep for days on end, and walked around in a haze for months till one day it didn’t hurt as much, and I was able to function again.
Up until the next heartbreak that is.
Then it was rinse and repeat.
I knew the cycle by now.
This time was different though, and I think that’s why Jessica was concerned. She’d known me for a while, seen me deal with heartbreaks to know, and this wasn’t my normal.
“God, I sound like a terrible person.” I buried my head in my hands. “It’s not that I don’t feel bad about the break up because I do, and I did love David, just not that way anymore, but honestly there’s a part of me that’s just glad.”
Jessica began to rub my back. “It’s okay, that’s normal given what you two were like in the end. You had a lot of love and respect for each other, but you just didn’t click anymore, and in the end, it was more like a friendship than a relationship.”
I said something that was muffled, so Jessica tapped me on the back. “Could you repeat that?”
I lifted my head up, ever so slightly. “Even if that was the case, shouldn’t I still feel something? Anything excep
t relief? That makes it sound like he was a terrible person, or that I was, or that we had some kind of dysfunctional relationship.”
“You and I both know that isn’t the case,” Jessica pointed out. “So why do you care what it seems like? If he knows the truth, and so do you then what does it matter?”
I removed my head from my hands and leaned back against the couch. “I don’t know. I guess because I’d like to think that being together wasn’t a waste, that we didn’t just pick each other because we were comfortable with each other.”
Jessica thought about this for a moment before she answered. “I don’t think anyone can accuse you two of that. You two did burn pretty bright for a while there. Even I saw it.”
I exhaled deeply. “I guess I just wonder what went wrong.”
“It doesn’t always have to be so black and white, Izzy. Sometimes, things don’t just work out. Not because of something catastrophic, but simply because it just fizzled out,” Jessica reminded me, gently. “Anyway, you needn’t feel guilty.”
I began to chew on my bottom lip. “When you put it like that, it makes it seem so simple.”
“It’s a lot simpler than you make it out to be,” Jessica reasoned.
“I guess I wouldn’t feel so guilty if Sean and I hadn’t kissed before…” I trailed off as I realized what I said. My hands clamped over my mouth, and my eyes widened in horror as a groan escaped my lips.
“Wait a second, backup, you and Sean did what now?” Jessica inquired, surprise written all across her features as she turned, so she was facing me directly.
I slowly removed my hands from my mouth. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but you have to promise you won’t freak out.”
“When do I ever freak out?”
I gave her a look.
“I mean when do I ever freak out when you ask me not to?” she hastened to add.
***
“Dr. Lewis, your last patient of the day is here,” A voice crackled over the intercom. It was pretty dark outside, and I grimaced as I checked the time. It was pretty late even for me, but then again, we had a lot of animals come in today.
“Send them in.”
I had my back turned to the door as I adjusted some of my equipment when my door swung open, and I counted four pairs of feet on the floor.
“How’s it going—” The question died on my lips when I turned and saw Sean standing there looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.
Reflexively, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared.
There was so much that I wanted to tell him, but I knew that I couldn’t.
Too much had been said in the heat of the moment.
“You made your feelings towards me very clear, but you are familiar with Leia’s case, and you’re a damn good vet,” Sean said, his tone indifferent as he efficiently settled her onto the chair and awaited my instructions.
I coughed awkwardly. “Yes, okay. I assume there haven’t been any complications?”
“None.”
“And has she put any pressure on her leg yet?’
I began to thoroughly look over Leia, but she seemed to be doing a lot better. She looked cleaner, healthier, and she had a glint in her eye that wasn’t there before. Sean was obviously taking good care of her.
“A little, but once it proved to be too much effort, she stopped,” Sean revealed.
“Good.”
I began to press on the wound, and when I got nothing but a slight wince, I knew that it was healing quite nicely. I nodded and gave Leia a small smile as I patted her head. I walked to my desk, grabbed her passport and jotted down a few things.
“I’m going to give her a deworming shot since we’re stopping one of the antibiotics today, okay?” I informed him, professionally as I avoided looking into his eyes.
Turns out, it wasn’t necessary because as much as I didn’t want to look at him, he felt the exact same way about me.
I made sure everything was in order before I handed Sean back the passport. Our hands accidentally brushed, and I paused as I slowly inched my head upwards.
“I’m sorry,” I said, softly.
Sean stiffened. “What for?”
“What I said. I didn’t mean any of it. You were right. I was being prejudiced based on my own previous experience with bikers, and that was hardly fair to you. Also, we both walked into that situation. I can’t place the blame solely on you.”
Sean blew out a breath. “Damn, that’s a hell of an apology. How am I supposed to stay mad after that?”
“You don’t have to.” I offered. “You could just let it go.”
He played along. “I could, but then I wouldn’t get to see you grovel.”
His expression went from playful to serious. “I’m sorry too. For pushing when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean what I said about the kissing meaning nothing, Isabel. It did mean something, but I just don’t think I’m cut out for the relationship thing.”
I gave him what I hoped was a comforting smile. “I understand. To be fair, I did kiss you back.”
Sean smiled grimly. “Yes, you did. I’m sorry if I made it awkward for you with your boyfriend.”
I fell silent.
“Please don’t tell me you got into trouble on my account.”
“It wasn’t because of you. David and I have been headed in that direction for months. Besides, we’re better off as friends.”
“I honestly hope you’re right and that your break up isn’t because of what happened.”
“It isn’t,” I insisted. “This was brewing long before you.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” he offered.
“No, you aren’t,” I surprised myself by saying.
The corners of his mouth curved into a half smile. “You’re right, I guess I’m not, but I don’t know if I should say something like that.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“You just got out of a relationship, Isabel,” he pointed out.
“So?” I shrugged.
I knew what he was getting at of course.
That we shouldn’t be doing this.
The fact that I just got out of a relationship being at the top of the list.
There were many other reasons of course like the fact that he was my patient, or rather Leia was, but still. Apples and oranges. Same concept at this point.
Also, there was the tiny fact that he didn’t do relationships, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. It’s not like I wanted him to commit to me right now, I hardly knew the guy, but that didn’t mean I was ready to jump into bed with him.
Sean studied me carefully. “Well, anyway. I wanted to tell you that I plan on formally adopting Leia.”
My eyebrow rose, and a surprised smile graced my features. “Really?”
“You don’t need to sound so surprised,” he teased. “Bikers have feelings too.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that—” I began before I noticed he was teasing me, so I scowled and bumped my shoulder against his. “Hey, I see what you did there.”
“Chill, Isabel.” He waggled his eyebrows at me playfully.
I grinned. “Anywho, I think that’s great. I just wasn’t sure you’d want to adopt her since beagles aren’t like massive guard dogs or anything. They’re just plain old sweethearts.”
Sean crouched down in front of Leia and began to scratch both of her ears at the same time causing Leia’s tail to thump rhythmically and rather manically shaking the whole chair.
“That’s why I need this little beauty in my life. To remind me to slow down and take things easy,” he explained. “Besides, it fits in with my job as a chef.”
“You’re a chef?” My mouth fell open in surprise.
Of all the things I expected him to be, chef was the last thing on the list.
He didn’t look like a chef.
Then again, I wasn’t entirely sure what a chef was supposed to look like.
Another stereotype I needed to get rid of I guess.
> “I’ve gotten that reaction before.” Sean chuckled as he stood up. “I know, I don’t look like one. Badass biker, you’d probably place me at a tattoo parlor or something.
“Er, I hadn’t thought about it like that,” I lied as I gave him a sweet smile.
Sean’s eyebrow rose to his hairline. “You’re a terrible liar, Doc. No offense.”
A choked laugh escaped my lips. “None taken. I know it’s true. I’m terrible when it comes to poker.”
“Still, I see that working to my advantage,” Sean mused.
“How so?”
“Strip poker,” he said, simply. “Also, I like being able to tell what you’re thinking.”
I blushed as I lowered my head and pretended to fiddle with some things near my instruments.
“I don’t consider it a good thing,” I admitted. “It gives people way too much access to my personal thoughts. So, how come you decided to be a chef?”
Sean’s lips curved into a smile. “I like cooking, and I wanted a job that was somewhat flexible because I don’t like to be tied down to one place, and the café I work at seems to be the perfect choice.”
“I’d love to go there sometime,” I blurted out before I knew what was saying.
Shit.
What did I go ahead and say that for?
He just said he doesn’t do the relationship thing, and now I practically invited myself to where he works just because I was curious about the food.
It also helped that I wanted to know more about him, but that was hardly healthy.
I needed some time on my own to heal after the break up.
Or so I kept telling myself.
The truth was, I didn’t feel like I needed the time.
I wanted to go out and have fun, and that was slightly worrying despite Jessica’s reassurances that I needn’t worry.
Sean blinked slowly before his face broke out into a smile. “Sure, I can cook for you. What are you doing tonight?”
I reeled back. “Tonight? Oh, umm…”
“Short notice?” he asked, sympathetically.
I gave him a small smile. “A little, and I mean I’m dressed in work clothes. I have no idea what the attire is for this place.”
“It’s a small Italian restaurant,” he revealed, his gaze raking over me. “And what you’re wearing is great. You look beautiful.”
