by Anita Notaro
“Now, we’ve had several callers on the line—this is generating quite a bit of interest, actually. Mary from Dooradoyle wants to know if each of you were a food, what would you be? Unusual question, Mary, but we love to hear from you anyway.” (Anna, gorgeous dark-haired lesbian.)
“Well, I think I’d be toad-in-the-hole.” (Toni.) “I just love those big juicy bangers.” A bit subtle for everyone except Jack, who’s probably wanking as we speak, Ellie thought, nerves making her cattier than usual.
“I’d be fish and chips. Firm white flesh with a lot of greasy bits.” Maggie was still having self-image issues, it seemed.
“For me, it would have to be plum pudding.” Pam was obviously hung up on Toni’s earlier comparison. Like me, it’s dark and mysterious with a bit of a kick.” Pam fingered her cleavage and a few farmers in the West got hot under the collar, the producer suspected.
“And you, Ellie?”
“Well, I’d cheat slightly and be a piña colada: sweet and very refreshing, and I look better under an umbrella.” Cue lots of laughter and “fuck you” smiles from the other three.
“So, how do people join your club?”
“Well, we do have a phone number that people can call.” (Toni.)
Strange looks were much in evidence from the other three.
“Yes, and it should be on screen any second now.” Sheana was beaming.
“Also our website, called, of course, www.www.com, will be up and running shortly. There is a book coming out in the summer as well, and we have plans to set up “friendly groups” in all the major cities by Easter.” At which point two of the cameras had to cut away from shots of the other three, because of the look of total disbelief on their faces. Not good for inspiring viewers, the director decided.
“So tell me more about the reward system again?” (Anna.)
“We usually go to the chipper after the meetings.” (Ellie.)
“Now, Ellie, don’t be naughty.” Toni turned to Anna. “Sometimes, we might allow ourselves a tiny little takeaway, that’s true, but—”
“We believe in being nice to ourselves, is what I think Toni means.” Pam wanted some of the limelight for herself. “I remember once going to a slimming class and I’d lost four pounds, and the instructor said well done and beamed at me. So, I asked her if I could have a treat. And she smiled and said yes, maybe a small portion of fresh fruit salad or a low-fat natural yogurt would be good.”
“Please don’t name the organization concerned.” Irish-speaking Blathnaid looked extremely worried.
“No, of course not, but Deirdre from the convent class, you know who you are.” Pam waved her finger at the camera with the red light. “Anyway, I went off home and had a choc-ice and two Twix bars on the way.” Pam was all smiles. “Much nicer.”
“No one we know eats low-fat diet yogurt, anyway,” Maggie said, smiling for the first time.
“Not that we believe that chocolate is all that good, mind you. Our program is based on a rather unique approach …” Toni was beginning to annoy the others.
“Now another caller, Dennis from Fermoy, says that you’re all very sophisticated, a bit like the Sex and the City girls, actually—gosh that is posh—and he wonders if any of you are single?”
“I’m in a long-term relationship, actually, and very happy,” Toni smiled coyly.
Ellie kept a smile pasted to her face. Still, that should put paid to Jack’s erection, if he was like all the rest of them.
“I’m divorced and lonely.” Pam sucked her finger.
“I was seeing someone until quite recently,” Maggie blurted out and the other three were amazed. Doug was slagged for the rest of the afternoon in work and he didn’t like it one bit. His mammy liked it even less.
“And, eh, I’m a single parent.” Ellie thought for a split second that she might not say it, but then realized she was happy.
“So, as you can see we’re about as different from those girls as TG4 is from Hugh Hefner’s Playboy channel.”
“Well, I have to tell you our phone lines are jammed so I hope you’ll consider a tour of the country, maybe franchise out the idea. We’ll certainly be following your progress.” Anna was all smiles. Ellie decided she could really fancy her. It would be so much easier. She was daydreaming and almost missed the next question.
“And will you come back and see us later in the series and tell us if you’re all multi-millionaires?” she beamed at the four girls.
Now, most seasoned performers will tell you that if asked that question on live TV you should (a) vomit, (b) faint or (c) top yourself in an effort to avoid answering because what it does is commit you, and certainly in this case commitment might mean a mental asylum or jail for the four of them once they were rumbled, Ellie decided.
“Of course, we’d be delighted.” Toni grinned.
Forty-seven
“How could you do this to us?” All was not sweetness and light in the dressing room afterward.
“Will you chill? It’ll be fine, don’t forget we have—”
“Girls, girls, I think we have bigger problems than this. I suggest we go for a drink and decide how to handle this … unexpected mushrooming of our empire.” Maggie grinned at Toni, more relaxed than she had been in days.
“You’ve a lot of explaining to do, Miss Francescone.”
“It’s all under control, I keep telling you. Actually, I do need a drink but I can’t stay long. Jack and I are going to dinner with his editor later.”
“And I’ve to collect Rudi.” The contrast wasn’t lost on Pam. She’d been watching Ellie a lot lately.
“Come on, let’s just get out of here. Maggie, you’re up first. What on earth did you mean by seeing someone until quite recently?” Pam was straight in there.
* * *
Jack was still reeling from the show. Kate had called round to watch it with him, after she’d collected the girls. When Ellie had asked for a few days off, she’d organized a replacement from an agency. But “Mitch”—a German dental nurse—was not a success. She could extract a tooth at twenty paces, Jack suspected.
“What went wrong?” Kate asked after he’d explained that he’d been forced to tell Mitch she was no longer required. “She seemed efficient.”
“Cold.”
“Cold? I didn’t get that.”
“Freeze the snot on the baby Jesus, to be precise.”
“I thought the girls liked her?”
“After Nora, are you insane? Mitch was the nanny from hell. Sam called her bitch and Jess discovered that witch rhymed quite nicely and I couldn’t get used to her lazy eye. I kept thinking she was winking at me. No, if Nora was trying to convince us we couldn’t live without her, she gets top marks.” He looked at Kate with a frown. “Did Nora look different on TV, d’ya think?”
“Different? No. How?”
“I dunno, sort of younger, softer, more girly.”
“No, she seemed the very same Nora to me. She did look fab, though. I loved her hairstyle and the weight loss really suits her.” Kate paused, as if considering it for a moment. “No, I think it was just the clothes. She dresses, eh, conservatively when she’s working. All those pastels and the funky jewelry made her look really cute. I want that top she was wearing too. Very sexy.”
“She’s changed her hair.”
“Yep, definitely warmer. Bouncier too. But I think it’s just she keeps it tied back most of the time when she’s working.”
Jack nodded and finished making the coffee. Kate watched him quietly for a moment.
“So, how did you feel when Toni said she was in a “long-term” relationship?”
“Three weeks is hardly a commitment.”
“Well, now that you’ve slept together, she probably thinks … Anyway, is it good to be ‘back in the saddle,’ as my subtle husband would say?”
“I don’t really want to—” He stopped as her mobile went, and kept his back to her, annoyed that she was so … he didn’t know what but he knew he di
dn’t like it.
“Gotta go, kids are locked out of the kitchen and they’re starving. Bill has gone mental about security. He’s now locking all the internal doors and hiding the keys. It’s driving me insane.”
“How come?”
“He thinks he rumbled a burglar the other night when he was out chasing the cat.”
“How did he know it was a burglar?”
“Clothes had arrows on them, swag bag, mask, that sort of thing, I’d imagine. You know Bill. Terrible for jumping to conclusions.”
Jack laughed in spite for himself. “Tell Sarah I’ll need her about seven thirty, OK?”
“Where are you off to?”
“Peploe’s. Robert is over. He wants to meet Toni.”
“How does he know about her?” She was intrigued.
“She was here when he rang the other night. Actually, she answered the phone and they chatted for ages. He’s another one who’s obsessed with me dating again, so he’s dying to get to know her.”
“Well, enjoy. See you later. If you’re talking to Nora tell her well done from me, will you?”
“Good idea, I’ll ring her right now.”
* * *
“Nora, hi, it’s Jack.”
“Hi. How are you? Nothing wrong?” He never rang her. “No, no. I just wanted to say well done. You looked different.”
“Good different or bad different?”
“Oh, good. Great actually. Kate said the same. The girls were just wondering when you’re coming back?”
“Is Mitch staying till tomorrow?”
“I’m afraid she didn’t stay at all, really. Long story. No, we’re nannyless.”
“Well, in that case I’ll come in in the morning. Mum is keeping Rudi till tomorrow evening anyway, so it’ll be easier. I’m wrecked, to be honest.”
“Well, listen, you sleep on in the morning and I’ll take the girls to school. Come in at lunchtime, just to be here when Jess gets back, Kate will collect her. Then go off early and collect your own little monster. How does that sound?”
“Great, thanks. Do you want to speak to Toni?”
“Eh, no. I’ll see her later. Must go, got a col—eh, call to make.”
“Was that Jack?”
“Yeah. He said he’d see you later.”
“Well, I hope he thought we were fabulous?”
“I’m sure he did.”
Jack was uneasy and not sure why. Dinner with Robert went smoothly. Toni charmed the pants off him, as he knew she would. Her mobile rang constantly through dinner, though—it seemed the world and its mother wanted to join their club. Bob started advising her on how to maximize the aftermath of the show and ended up offering to introduce her to a good editor in his own company. “I like the idea. You’re a very clever girl. This could be big. Women are obsessed with new ways to lose weight.”
“Yes, but they haven’t actually lost any.” Jack was teasing.
“Jack, that is unfair and untrue.” She rubbed his crotch with her toe under the table. “Do you have any complaints about my shape?”
“No, but I’ve only known—”
“Well then.” She winked at Bob. “Anyway, I think it’s improved even since Christmas. Must be all that exercise I’m getting.”
Robert was enjoying the banter and he nudged Jack as they left the restaurant. “You two must come and see me soon. I owe you a long weekend in the country.”
“Oh we will, won’t we, Jack?”
“Well, it’s kinda difficult with the girls … we’ll see.”
“Bring them with you.” The older man was enthusiastic. “My wife would keep them busy and give you two lovebirds time to yourselves.” Toni was practically cooing.
“Sure Ellie will mind them. Jack needs a break and I’m just the woman to pamper him to death.”
“He’s a lucky guy. Will you wear your nurse’s uniform for him?” His editor was more than tipsy.
“With nothing underneath, if he’s lucky.”
“OK, you two, enough. I don’t know which of you is the worse. Bob, you take the first taxi.”
“Can I drop either of you? I’m staying in town.”
Jack hesitated for a second. “You could drop Toni, actually, if you don’t mind? That way I can go directly home. I’m a bit worried about leaving Sarah too long.” He turned to Toni. “She has school tomorrow and I’m already pushing my luck.”
“Right, that’s settled then. It’ll be a pleasure to have a bit more of your charming company.”
“But, darling, I wanted to—”
“I’ll call you during the week.”
“Come on, I’ll fill you in on all his bad habits on the way. I know more about him than his mother.”
Toni wasn’t pleased. “OK, then. Good night.” Her kiss was cool but lingering.
Forty-eight
Ellie’s phone was hopping by eight thirty and it had been the same yesterday evening. So much for a lie-in. Pam phoned at ten.
“This is madness. The whole country knows I’m on a diet. I tried to buy an éclair for my break a few minutes ago. The girl on the cash desk refused to serve me. Suggested I have an apple instead. Then a little old lady behind me in the queue smacked my backside with her umbrella and said knowingly, “Remember, a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.’”
“I can guess what you said.”
“Told her her own hips would be very close to her lips if she molested me again. People keep slipping me their numbers and saying they want to join. Tesco have offered to set up an in-store club. There’s a bigger queue for me than for the Lotto machine.”
“Oh dear. Have you spoken to Toni?”
“Yes, she’s in a foul mood. Apparently some old codger called Dingo or Ringo or something hooked her round the neck with his walking stick when he caught her with her hand in the last of the Christmas Quality Street.”
“Right, I suggest we meet tonight. Yesterday we were all too hyper.”
“I suggested the same thing. Toni says she’s seeing Jack.”
“Again?”
“Lust is an incurable disease, darling, didn’t you know?” It was out before she realized what she was saying. She could have bitten her tongue off. “Oh Ellie, I’m sorry, I—”
“Forget it. Listen, I have to run, I’ll call you later.”
She rang Maggie to keep from thinking. “How’s it going?”
“I’ve just had my photo taken for the firm’s website. They want me to sit in on all meetings with clients connected to the food industry. What do I know about the food industry?”
“You’ve contributed well toward its profits over the years.”
“Everyone is looking at me. A woman on the bus this morning burst into tears and told me her husband had called her a fat cow and walked out on her last night. She wants to become a WWW ‘leader.’ It’s scary.”
“OK, Toni’s busy tonight but let’s meet anyway at eight. Come here.”
“Right, if I’m not mobbed at the sushi bar during lunch, that is.”
“Stay calm.”
“Yeah. Wait till you go outside.”
Ellie abandoned her navy skirt and white blouse in favor of black fitted trousers and a tight-fitting black stretchy shirt. If Mitch in her pristine white uniform hadn’t impressed Jack, she felt she was safe enough.
“Hi there, welcome back. Am I glad to see you.”
“Hello. My God, Maggie was right. The whole country is watching us. One of your neighbors just stopped me and asked if we’d consider starting up in London. Her sister heard something about us while listening to Pat Kenny on the net this morning.”
“Well, give me your autograph, so, and be done with it.” He looked hassled.
“Is everything OK?”
“Huh? Yes, fine. I’m just a bit wrecked.”
“Yes, well, Toni tends to have that effect on men.” It was out before she could stop it. “Sorry, forget I said that. It was childish.” She looked at him sheepishly. “How’s it going,
anyway?”
“You’re as bad as Kate. I’ve seen her less than ten times, it’s hardly the romance of the century.”
Wow, that was a change of heart. She tried not to think of what it might mean. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
“The girls are my number-one priority, OK? Nothing gets in the way of that.”
Ellie had no idea where all this was coming from.
“Fine. God, you’re touchy today. Anyway, I’d better make a start. I’d say there’s a lot to catch up on.”
“No, actually, Mitch was Miss Efficiency. The place is spotless and she washed and ironed their clothes before they’d taken them off, I suspect. She practically put Mrs. O’Sullivan out of a job.” He grimaced. “Sorry, Nora. I’m a bit of a grouch. Didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
“That’s allowed. Just don’t make a habit of it.”
“So, what’s the next step?”
“For what?”
“World domination, isn’t that what Toni has planned?”
“I dunno, if you’d leave her alone for a night we might get to talk. Still, the rest of us are getting together this evening, to try and see what happens next.”
“I have no arrangement to see Toni this evening.” He sounded puzzled.
Ellie shrugged. “All I know is that’s what she said to Pam.”
“I’d better ring her. Excuse me.”
“Sure. It’s nearly time to collect Jess, anyway. See you later.”
Jessie had hugged her to death and now even Sam threw her arms around her.
“Nora, we missed you. I was fraid.”
“Why, darling? I told you I was taking a few days off.”
“She thought you’d gone for ever, like Mummy.”
“Girls, come here.” She knelt down in the middle of the school yard. “I’ll never leave you without explaining what’s happening, OK? If I have to go away, we’ll all sit down, your dad included, and talk about it.”
