“Is it alright if I leave the car in the drive?”
“That’s fine. Chrissie still drives that fearful motorcycle and Daniel and Pauline and the twins won’t be coming until Christmas Eve. Goodness knows when James will turn up.”
“I hope I’m not putting you out? You’ve already got quite enough family to cope with over Christmas without me.”
“I’m glad you’ve come, Alex. You know that you’re always welcome. To be honest, I’ll be pleased to see the bedrooms in use again. The house seems so empty now the children have gone.”
“Does Chrissie still live at home?”
“Oh yes, but the rest of my brood have fledged.”
The two walked into the broad hallway, Alex ducking his head as he went through the low doorway. His eldest sister, Mary, lived in a big, old farmhouse with thick walls, uneven floors and numerous rooms. Even now that her family had grown up she managed to make it a homely, comfortable, bustling house and Alex felt that spending Christmas there would be therapeutic. He had seen nothing of Emma Tomlinson during his last couple of weeks in the school. However, despite a talent for readily forgetting people and occurrences that might otherwise disrupt his peace of mind, he was haunted by the thought of the young girl he had treated in such a cavalier fashion. Those last weeks at school had been a trial and the good wishes and well meant inquiries as to what he planned to do had added to his discomfiture. Now, however, he was determined to blot out all the unpleasing memories. He had long since learnt that regret and self-reproach were futile.
Alex took off the heavy overcoat that he was wearing and hung it on the coat-stand before entering the lounge and greeting his brother-in-law. The two men shook hands.
“Hallo Alex!”
“Brian.” Alex nodded his head as he spoke.
Brian Graham, a bearded man several inches taller than Alex, indicated that they should both sit down in front of the blazing log fire.
“Are you happy with tea or would you like something stronger? To keep the cold out, that is.”
Alex shook his head. “I’ll settle for tea. Have you been keeping well, then?”
“Well enough. Looking forward to an early retirement. I think I should take a leaf out of your book.”
“How are Chrissie and the boys?” Alex deftly changed the subject.
“Oh, fine. Haven’t seen much of James. The twins are growing at a tremendous rate. They’re both walking now. You’ve not seen then have you? I can’t remember whether or not you were at the Christening.” Brian rubbed his hand over his beard as he spoke.
“I don’t believe I was. So you enjoy your new role as grandfather then?”
Brian smiled. “I do indeed. It’s more fun that being a father. You can spoil the children and leave the work to their parents.”
“No more on the way yet?”
“Not that I know of. Clementine had her first about three weeks ago. A little girl. They’re calling her Alexandra.”
“Good Heavens! I didn’t even know that she was expecting.”
“Well, it looks as if you are lagging behind your sisters. I’d have a word with Rupert if I were you.”
“Rupert can’t even make up his mind to get married.”
“I don’t believe that constitutes a problem these days.”
“What’s that about Rupert?” Mary came through the door with a tray laden with tea things. Alex got up to hold the door open for her.
“Brain thinks I’m missing out by not being a grandfather.”
“Oh, Brian’s dotty about the twins. Especially little Louise. She’s got her mother’s red curls and the biggest, bluest eyes you’ve ever seen.”
Alex smiled appreciatively as he took his tea.
“Anyway, Rupert phoned yesterday and said that he’d be here for New Year. When did you last speak to him?”
“Not for a while. I didn’t know that he was coming here. I’d better include him on my list. I’ve got all my Christmas shopping to do tomorrow.”
“Rupert didn’t even know that you were leaving the school.”
“I haven’t had a chance to speak to him.”
“He was as flabbergasted as I was. Are you going to look for another post or are you seriously retiring?”
“I’ve not decided what to do yet. I just thought I was ready for a change.”
Mary looked sceptical but Brian said, “Well I think it’s a courageous thing to do. I wish I could just hand in my resignation. I’d love to see the look on Arthur Parker’s face if I did!”
“You wouldn’t like the look on my face if you did,” added Mary.
Alex managed to steer the conversation away from the question of his resignation again, but he could see that his sister was not satisfied with the flimsy explanation he had given. He had hoped she would be too busy over Christmas to tackle him on the matter again. As it was he only saw her at meal-times for the next few days.
On Monday he took himself into the town to do his shopping. Normally he only saw Rupert on Christmas day and he always gave him a book token. When he visited his sisters at New Year he took a couple of bottles of wine. So the buying of Christmas presents was an almost entirely new experience for him. He wasn’t sure which of his nieces and nephews would be there, let alone what their tastes were. He settled for unambitious presents in the shape of chocolates and books. Buying something for the twins he had never seen proved to be the most exciting task. He spent nearly half an hour looking at toys before he purchased a train set and a large puzzle. He wondered if the twins were at the right age for such toys, but he was unable to recall what Rupert had played with at their age. Finally he selected two silk scarves for his sisters. He had chosen one in brown and fawn for Anne and a lilac one for Mary when he was suddenly reminded of the fact that he had seen Emma wearing one similar and he immediately put them both back. It was only then that he realised that whilst he had been absorbed in his shopping that he had actually completely forgotten about Emma. The sudden reminder and the uneasy feeling that accompanied it had not been welcome. Emma had said that he had resigned because it was easier to forget things from a distance. He had denied the suggestion at the time but now he earnestly desired to achieve a state of complete oblivion. Alex quickly purchased some more chocolates for his sisters and returned to the Grahams’ house.
The only part of Christmas that Alex unequivocally enjoyed was the carol service they went to on Christmas morning. He had always loved singing hymns. The only aspect of any church service that he found it difficult to come to terms with was the time occasionally left for private meditation. Whenever he found himself on his knees with a few moments in which to formulate a prayer his mind went blank. He usually remained motionless and prayerless until the clergyman spoke again. One this particular Christmas he no sooner found himself kneeling than her remembered that Emma’s mother was dying. Having recalled that fact he felt obliged to contribute something along the lines of a prayer on her behalf.
Christmas dinner was a rowdy, jolly affair. Brian opened bottles of wine with cheerful abandon and Mary saw that everyone, even the unwilling Alex, wore the paper hats that they found in their crackers. Alex himself felt a bit of an outsider. He had never really had much to do with his nieces and nephews, although Mary had always been his favourite sister. Whilst Daniel and Pauline struggled to control their boisterous twins opposite him, Alex found himself seated between Chrissie, a short tubby girl in her mid-twenties and Emily, the girlfriend that James had brought along without any prior warning. The two girls provided an amusing contrast and this proved to be the main entertainment for him during the meal. Chrissie was a sullen, sharp-tongued girl whilst Emily was full of childlike and shrill delight at everything. She was an extremely pretty and vivacious girl, but Alex did not find himself at all attracted to her.
“Come along, Chrissie, you can pull your cracker with me.” Jamie held out the cracker to his sister who was concentrating on her meal.
“I’m still eating, James. Ca
n’t you wait a minute?” She picked fastidiously at her food with her fork, which she held in her right hand.
“Pull it with me, Jamie. Go on: I love crackers!” He duly pulled the cracker with his girlfriend who gave a little squeal as it came apart between them.
“I wish you’d wait until I’ve finished,” muttered Chrissie. “The smell of gunpowder puts me off my food.”
“Oh, just look at this. Isn’t it gorgeous?” Emily held up a ring with a red bead in it. “Go on, Jamie, put it on me.” She already wore a lot of expensive-looking jewellery and Alex wondered if there was room for this incongruous addition. Jamie put it on her little finger, but she said, “You’ll have to marry me now!”
“I’d hold out for something better if I were you!” said Chrissie, leaving Alex in some doubt as to which of the couple she was addressing. Emily, who did not seem to notice any ambiguity in the statement, simply replied,
“It’s not the ring that matters; it’s the man. And everyone at work is crazy about James.”
“Is the job dull?” inquired Chrissie.
“Oh, no. It’s really fun. I love it.”
“You sound keener than James. He’s always grumbling.”
“James is too clever for it. That’s why he gets bored.” She gave him a winsome smile to go with the compliment. Chrissie continued to chew in silence.
Alex thought what a pretty name Emily was. It was very like Emma. But Emma herself was so different from both these girls. Although she was about their age; a few years younger in fact. He knew that Emma was really very naive, but he could not look at these girls without thinking that they completely lacked her poise. He glanced at his two neighbours. Chrissie was fidgeting with her spoon and looked around to see if the pudding had arrived and Emily was whispering something to James and giggling. Alex wondered how either of them would cope with Christmas alone with a dying mother.
“What on earth is mummy up to out there?” said Chrissie irritable. At that moment her mother came in with the pudding and there was a general cheer.
“What about the brandy? What about the brandy?” chirped Emily. Brian started to open the bottle he had brought for the purpose.
“A little inebriated, dear?” laughed Mary as her husband fumbled with the seal.
“Oh, do get on with it daddy,” added Chrissie, tapping her spoon on the side of her bowl. The brandy was soon open and a liberal quantity poured over the pudding.
“Alex, dear, you light it,” said Mary, looking kindly at her brother. Alex took some matches out of his pocket and lit the brandy fumes. They all clapped and after about a minute Mary poured some cream over the pudding.
“The flames did seem a little vigorous,” she explained to her husband and everyone laughed.
After dinner was finished Alex allowed Brian to pour him a large port. He intended to spend that afternoon dozing in front of the fire. As it turned out he spent most of his time on his hands and knees giving the twins rides on his back whilst their parents and grandparents did the washing up. This he quite enjoyed. He also found himself obliged to kiss Emily under the mistletoe. This he did not enjoy.
There was a hiatus between the celebrations of Christmas and New Year. James and Emily departed with as little warning as they had arrived. Daniel, Pauline and the twins left to spend Boxing Day with Pauline’s parents. Once the diversion that these visitors had provided had gone, Alex spent his days in solitary walks, speaking to his sister only when the remnants of the family met for meals. The room Alex had been allotted for the duration of his stay contained an easy chair as well as a bed and an old-fashioned wash stand. If he wanted privacy during the evening he would retire to this room with a book until the cold drove him downstairs to join the others in the lounge.
On the third night after Christmas the evening had been spent playing cards. Chrissie had abandoned her hand fairly quickly but Brian, Mary and Alex played until midnight. The stakes had consisted of sweets and Mary would have been the clear winner had not she and Chrissie eaten the greater part of her winnings. It was a good humoured, entertaining evening and Alex eventually mounted the stairs anticipating a good night’s sleep. However, having spent most of the evening with his back to a blazing fire, he found the sheets of his bed uncomfortably cold and the chill seemed to penetrate his body until he became restless.
As Alex tossed and turned in imperfect sleep he found himself remembering something Emma had said. “The only thing you actually respond to is lust”. The words reverberated in his head and he told them over and over again in the way someone might count imaginary sheep. When he eventually descended into sleep it was an unquiet dream world that received him and he awoke to find himself bathed in sweat. The clock showed that he had only been in bed for a few hours but he found that his mind, stirred by dreams, was not immediately ready for further rest. It was not uncommon for him to be woken thus by his dreams or for him to be able to remember them in detail. This time, however, his dreams had included some variations on the themes that normally haunted him.
Alex had dreamt that he was about to marry Alice. She had been a potent but invisible presence. For some inexplicable reason he had been dressed in his cricket whites but there had been no question in his mind over what was about to occur. What troubled him was a consciousness that he should not be getting married. At first he wasn’t sure what the problem was and then if suddenly became clear. He couldn’t marry Alice because he was already married to Emma! No sooner had he been struck by this alarming fact than his dream had dissolved and a new one had taken its place.
The second sequence began in a more familiar manner. He was in his study, but one corner of the room blended into a school classroom. At first he thought that it was empty, but then he became aware of the presence of two girls. They seemed to be quarrelling over some object that was placed on the desk between them. He was still dressed in his cricket whites but as he drew closer and saw that both girls were naked, he noticed that he was naked himself. At the same time he recognised the girls. One was Emily, James’ girlfriend, and the other was Claire, a pupil from school. The two were fighting over something that was now held in Emily’s clenched fist. When Claire at last managed to open her opponent’s fist and the object dropped to the floor Alex saw that it was the ring containing the red bead. He reached down to take it and as he did so the girls melted away. Once he had picked up the object he realised that it was not a ring after all but his broken watch. Straight away he knew that Emma must not know about his dream and he wanted to run away so that she wouldn’t see him, but his limbs would not respond. And then it dawned on him that she must know about the dream already because she was there in it.
Alex had awoken in a frenzy of apprehension but now he lay with his eyes open staring round the room which was unfamiliar with darkness. As time passed he found that he recalled the feeling that had overwhelmed him with greater clarity than the things that had occurred. He could still feel the force of the conviction that he should not marry Alice and his fear that Emma should find out about his dreams. But it was only as a result of this dream and his consequent wakefulness that Alex at last allowed himself to admit to the troubles that he had been so determinedly trying to ignore. Now he thought with the lucidity of consciousness stimulated by the subconscious.
His dreams had often disturbed him. They incorporated the fantasies that, waking, he did not dare recall. Lust was the demon he could neither accept nor control. Admittedly Emma had never been one of those who figured in his dreams. Yet it was she who, by some twist of fate, had been the fulfilment of those fantasies and had thus become associated with a part of himself which he wished to drive out and forget. This, more than anything else, had caused him to take such drastic measure to distance himself from her. What confused the issue further was that he also recalled Emma as a personality. Emma; sometimes bold and precocious, sometimes so naive - yet so passionate and steadfast in her convictions. He felt shame and disgust about everything that had occurred betwee
n them, but these feelings did not extend to Emma herself.
Alex reached no conclusions that night but he did succumb to a greater degree of self analysis than he had ever before permitted. However, when he awoke the next morning he could not separate what he had dreamt from what he had thought afterwards. He was simply left with a conviction that his feelings for Emma were more complex than he had previously admitted. But it was not a train of thought he wished to pursue so he had dressed quickly, pulling on a heavy Arran sweater with the intention of taking himself out for a walk as soon as breakfast was over.
Breakfast was an informal meal at the Grahams. If you descended between the hours of seven and eight you could be sure of finding rolls, bacon and coffee keeping hot on the stove and jam, butter, a jug of milk and some plates on the kitchen table. Mary was alone when Alex went into the kitchen. He wished her a good morning and poured himself some coffee.
Laying the Ghosts Page 5
