Hell On Wheels

by Rhyll Biest

  ‘I don’t know.’ She scanned the orchard. Where was she? ‘Who are you, anyway?’

  The she-demon gave her a sly look. ‘I’m just another fan of demon roller derby.’

  She was in an alternate dimension with a she-demon who seemed to know a lot about her and her mother, and who was a fan of roller derby. ‘Lilith?’ She looked around the orchard. ‘Does that mean I’m dead?’

  Lilith shook her head. ‘Nope, just on the immortal plane. But you can’t stay because you don’t belong here.’

  ‘So why am I here?’ Just taking the scenic route to the afterlife?

  ‘Well, you’re full of my tears of maleficence, which are little pieces of me, so I feel like I know you pretty well.’ Lilith took a bite of her apple. ‘And for a beginner, you rocked that scrimmage practice the other day, I’ve gotta tell you. Very ballsy of you. So I thought it would be fun if, before you move on to the afterlife, I showed you how to nail the plow stop. It’d be a shame to let you go before you experienced that. I feel like you’ve earned it.’

  Valeda blinked. ‘You’re keeping me from the afterlife to teach me the plow stop?’

  Lilith nodded. ‘Can you think of a better reason?’

  She smoothed her tunic. ‘I didn’t realise this sort of stuff was up for negotiation. But since it is, I have an offer for you.’

  ‘Really?’ Lilith looked bored. ‘I don’t, as a rule, resurrect without good reason.’

  ‘Have you ever seen two teams of demons with elemental powers face off against one another on the derby track?’

  Lilith cocked her head. ‘No, I haven’t, which is a shame now that I think about it.’

  She wants this, she just doesn’t know it yet. ‘If you send me back, I’ll organise it. I’ll make it happen.’

  Lilith raised an eyebrow. ‘You sure you can pull that off? Most demons with elemental powers are nobles, and getting Hell’s nobles to do anything is like herding hellcats.’

  Valeda smiled. ‘We’ll dispense with the usual “no elemental powers” rule but keep it nonlethal, and I’ll make sure my sister Lymenia joins a team.’

  Lilith’s eyes brightened. ‘You’re on. Although I can’t see any sane demon playing against her.’

  Valeda shrugged. ‘I may need to disguise her a little, but I’ll make it happen. So do we have a deal?’

  Lilith tapped her chin.

  Valeda kept very still. Lilith had to go for it. What derby enthusiast could resist the prospect of adding the extra fireworks of elemental powers to the game?

  Lilith nodded. ‘All right, you’re on. Now, before I send you back, where are you going to park your excess juice?’

  ‘What?’

  Lilith sighed. ‘You can’t hang on to it because it’ll distract you—you’ll have all those crazy voices in your head telling you to focus on world domination and mass genocide instead of roller derby. Moderation is the key to a long demon life, so you need to park the excess juice—along with your happy campers—somewhere else.’

  ‘You mean in another demon?’

  ‘It doesn’t have to be to a demon. You could give it to killer bunnies, unicorns, cowpats, whatever.’

  Valeda eyed the silver orchard trees.

  ‘Nuh-uh.’ Lilith shook her head. ‘Samael gave me those trees, so don’t even think about it. Find your own organic matter. But hurry up, time’s running out. Tick-tock.’

  Valeda frowned. How did she know she could trust Lilith to keep her word? She wanted to ask more, but Lilith’s prompt made her think first about where she could park her excess of maleficence.

  Adriel. No, not him, it would corrupt him like it had corrupted her. She pictured his hellhounds, Tane and Moloss. Her houseguests screamed, and the tears of maleficence tried to dig hooks into her to stop from being pried out of her veins, but she uprooted them, sent them on their way.

  Beads of silver rose on her skin before dripping off her to roll away.

  Go to Tane and Moloss.

  The droplets shot off at high speed.

  Wait, she’d forgotten Adriel’s brother. The little maleficence remaining in her she tried to send to Hakan.

  A hand slapped over hers. Lilith’s. ‘Don’t be a double-twatted twit. Save enough for yourself.’

  She blinked. ‘You’ve got a foul mouth.’

  Lilith winked. ‘That’s right, I fuckin’ do. Now, stop being a muppet and let Adriel’s healing in, and let it all the way in.’

  Once, she wouldn’t have been able to do it. She would have been too afraid, afraid of being known, afraid of being helpless if she let another in. But not now. Now she was free, no longer walled in by her own defences.

  Valeda lowered her battered walls and gave way to Adriel’s healing. It rolled through her, a warm tide, and she got glimpses of his memories, glimpses of them together—how they appeared through his eyes. She saw how she appeared to him—beautiful, cool, clever and self-controlled, but oh-so vulnerable, never willing to lower her shield of ice.

  It floored her how clearly he saw her. Despite all her sleight of hand, her masks, and her tricks, he still saw.

  ‘Now, brace yourself for the return.’

  The return? Darkness collided with her, hugged her in a tackle and brought her crashing to the ground as she re-entered her body. Blood filled her mouth, a thousand knives cut her lungs, and yet she smiled, had to smile, because Adriel was looking down at her, and her head was cradled in his arms and his face was just as breathtaking as ever, his silver eyes luminous with concern. Her three sisters flanked him.

  He brushed her hair back from her face, his eyes intent. ‘Princess, I thought you were going to die on me.’

  ‘Not today.’ Her voice came out croaky and she took his hand and squeezed it to reassure him.

  She blinked as for a second she saw Lilith peek over his shoulder, a smug look on her spectral face.

  ‘Don’t look so pleased with yourself,’ she groused at the immortal. ‘I did all the hard work.’

  ‘Who’s she talking to?’ Lymenia asked Semya. ‘Is she still gaga?’

  Semya slapped her sister’s armoured shoulder. ‘Don’t call her that. She just died and came back, give her a break.’

  Valeda struggled into a sitting position, helped by Cinna and Adriel.

  Cinna raised a brow at her. ‘So, where’d all your mojo go? I thought you’d freeze half of Hell over and us with it before you got control over it.’

  ‘I dispersed it.’ She darted a look at Adriel. ‘To your hellhounds. I’m sorry, they’re probably not the same now.’

  He blinked. ‘Not the same?’

  Lymenia shoved him. ‘Forget about that, give her the thing I gave you.’

  She met his eyes. ‘The thing?’

  He reached into his tunic and opened his palm. In it lay the gold ring with her heart set in it. ‘Do you think your maleficence levels are low enough to allow your heart to survive being put back in your chest?’

  In her chest? She hesitated. It would be hard, harder to get used to having her heart so close than climbing scaffolding in stripper heels. It would be right there, feeling everything firsthand. But the reward? Well, it was smiling at her, Adriel’s hard-edged face made even more ridiculously handsome by joy and hope.

  She held out her hand—still covered in gore and yet remarkably steady considering she’d just returned from the dead—and Adriel slid the ring onto her finger, not a bit perturbed by the sticky black glove of blood she wore.

  He raised her hand to his lips. ‘Consider me yours for as long as you choose to wear this ring. I don’t care when our contract expires; I’ll always be by your side, and our enemies will tremble before the combined terror of your ruthless cunning and my unquenchable thirst for blood.’

  Semya’s jaw dropped. ‘Freaking dick frittatas! That’s the most romantic nonsense I’ve ever heard.’

  Lymenia pulled a face. ‘Puke!’

  Valeda ignored them as she met his eyes. She would get Cinna to rehome her heart i
n her chest where it belonged, but after that the ring would stay where it was, on her finger. It was because now she knew—knew that the pain of love was worth it so long as it was the right kind, and that she couldn’t dodge or avoid it. She just had to play smart and hard and brace herself for the falls, keep her hands tucked in, and give it everything she had, no matter if it looked like she was going to win or lose.

  Lifting the hand that held hers, she smiled. ‘No need to tear out the hearts of others anymore, my love. You will always hold mine.’

  Lymenia stuck her finger in her mouth in a gagging gesture, but Cinna shared a smile with Semya.

  Valeda barely noticed her sisters, her attention entirely captured by Adriel as she pressed her lips to his scarred knuckles, knowing that her heart could not be safer anywhere else than in his giant, ruthless hands.

  Chapter 18

  Valeda stood admiring the roller derby competition banner in her mother’s garden. It hung right near where she’d frozen Adriel and his brother after her wedding.

  Ah, good times.

  Three metres long, the red-and-white banner read ‘Apocalypse on Wheels: Elementals versus elementals in the ultimate showdown’.

  A sharp whistle interrupted her contemplation of the sign.

  ‘Valeda, over here.’ Cinna, a fake parrot bobbing on her shoulder, waved her over with a fake prosthetic hook.

  What now?

  She skated over to the drink stand and took in her sister’s pirate ensemble of black leggings and skates, navy dress coat with ragged gold epaulets and black pirate hat. ‘Nice skull earrings.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Cinna grinned and sipped her red slushy. ‘Now, don’t be cross with me, but Cadere told me to check with you that you’re taking precautions.’

  Her mood dimmed. She held no grudge against Cadere for taking her down when she was high on maleficence and acting like an archdemon muppet. The archdemon of Decay and Pestilence had saved both her and those she loved. But Cadere’s repeated updates on the gestating feud with Disarli’s family were wearing thin.

  The bitch seemed almost gleeful at the prospect of another war.

  ‘What’s the latest news? How many are for striking me down and how many are against it?’

  Cinna shrugged and slurped on her slushy. ‘It’s pretty even today: two are pro-smiting and two are anti-smiting. One overlord is abstaining from voting because he can.’

  She nodded. ‘I see, well, let’s hope they’re fans of derby and don’t attack today. But if they do, Adriel is here, and our whole family.’ Her gaze went to the track. ‘Plus about three hundred roller derby players who like nothing more than a good brawl.’

  Cinna nodded. ‘Yeah, I know, but are you wearing the stealth panties?’

  Valeda shut her eyes. It was all so humiliating. ‘Yes, I’m wearing the stealth panties Cadere made me. Happy?’

  ‘Happy.’ Cinna grinned. ‘Best you remain invisible on their radars for a while, even if you did manage to deliver a dick punch to death once already. Everyone still wants to know how you managed that.’

  And everyone could just keep on wondering.

  Cinna’s gaze rested on the empty seat in the royal spectator box. ‘How’s Hakan?’

  Valeda turned to look in the same direction. ‘I hear he’s grown tetchy with bed rest. A little too fond of hurling objects against the wall for fun.’ He had to use his hands as his elemental powers had not yet returned, despite many hours spent moving things around to torment others and rebuild his store of power. Adriel was worried.

  Cinna laughed. ‘Sounds like Lymenia.’

  ‘Doesn’t it?’

  ‘How’s Hakan going with socialising Tane and Moloss?’

  Valeda groaned. ‘Don’t ask.’ She’d turned Adriel’s hellhounds into demons and they weren’t happy about it at all. Really, what was so terrible about being a demon? She put the thought aside. ‘You ready for today’s game?’

  ‘As ready as I’ll ever be. Though I still feel disadvantaged as a necromancer; it’s not like I can hurl the dead at anyone.’

  Valeda patted her shoulder. ‘But you have an unsurpassed rat-like cunning.’

  As Cinna gaped at her, Valeda skated over to the spectator box, vaulted the barrier and flopped onto her husband’s lap. The queen gave her a disapproving frown, but as Adriel liked to say, who gave a sweet, caramel-centred fuck what anyone else thought?

  ‘Are you having a good time?’ She ran her fingers through Adriel’s silky hair and stroked his hellhound tattoo. ‘Things are going to kick off soon.’

  ‘I’m certainly having a good time now.’ He talked to her cleavage which, admittedly, her derby uniform exposed a good deal of.

  She raised his chin with a finger. His silver eyes hadn’t once changed colour since Paimon’s death, so the curse appeared to have died along with her brother. ‘Eyes up here mister, or you’ll miss the game.’

  His arms tightened around her. ‘How would you like to join me in my tent at half-time?’

  ‘Saucy.’ She squinted at the stage. Was that a …? Holy fuck, it was. Semya had so delivered on that promise. She squeezed Adriel’s hand.

  A four-legged feast for the eyes, the centaur’s impressive pectoral landscape lured the gaze, as did his glorious rainbow-tipped fauxhawk reaching for the sky. The crowds gasped.

  The centaur pawed the ground with a front hoof, his abs rippling, before he paused for theatrical effect. He spoke into the microphone. ‘They say only mad bitches and she-demons with great, big dingly-dangly lady balls play demon derby. Right now we’re going to find out the truth of that as we watch the first ever derby game of elementals versus elementals. My queen, my duke, princesses, and lords and ladies, and all the rest of you insignificant fuckers gathered here today, I bring you the very first Apocalypse on Wheels.’

  Wild screams, hoots and cheers exploded, along with the pounding approval of thousands of stamping feet, the combined percussive effect shaking the hard-baked ground of Hell.

  The pounding vibration stole through Valeda’s soles, travelled skin deep and set up in her heart.

  It was strange to have it back, heavy and meaty in her chest, and she wasn’t yet used to it pounding away in there like a clock. And she certainly wasn’t accustomed to how it sometimes threatened to run away with her when, say, she looked at Adriel and caught him looking at her in a certain way.

  The centaur raised a hand for quiet and waited for the din to settle before he continued. ‘The Queen of the Ninth Realm has decreed that this year the winning team will be awarded palace-smithed swords and armour. And the prize will be presented by Princess Lymenia and Princess Cinna of the Ninth Realm.’ Cinna and Lymenia went to stand by the centaur and wave at the crowd.

  Valeda sniffed. Her mother had only reluctantly coughed up a prize for the event, saying derby was a sport for whores and trash and not princesses. Things remained tense between them but there was nothing new about that. Valeda was more worried the queen might go to work with one of her hairpins if her daughters’ team didn’t win.

  Cinna and Lymenia returned absorbed in a heated argument. Lymenia, dressed about as inappropriately as a princess could get, wore a tartan miniskirt, a tartan push-up bra and a sporran familiar to Valeda. Hadn’t she seen one just like it in a certain famous topside television series? Outlander?

  Lymenia shook her head at Cinna. ‘You’re wrong. The quote is “do one thing every day that scars you”. It makes sense, Cinna, scars are sexy.’

  ‘Scares, Ly. The quote is “do one thing every day that scares you”. It’s about overcoming fear.’ Cinna winked at Valeda with the eye not covered by her eyepatch.

  ‘You keep that; I like my version better.’ Lymenia stopped by Valeda. ‘This is awesome, sister. The next best thing to kicking someone’s arse is playing roller derby. But I still wish we’d captured some angels so we could string ’em up and whack ’em like piñatas. That’d make things really festive.’

  ‘Hmmm, next time.’

&n
bsp; Lymenia glanced around at the new track. ‘Y’know, I’m impressed you had a proper rink installed with veneer finish and engineered softwood boards. But wouldn’t this crowd prefer a rock track so the players had more hard objects to slam one another’s faces into?’

  Valeda raised a brow. ‘Yes, but I’m not keen on having my face slammed into rock. At all.’

  Lymenia shook her head. ‘Don’t sissify the sport, will you? That would just ruin it for me.’

  ***

  A flash of pale breast caught Adriel’s eye as Valeda leaned forward to talk to Lymenia. He shifted in his seat to get a better view.

  Semya caught him at it and smirked. ‘Bad doggy.’

  He hated Semya’s dog jokes. He’d been a hellhound, dammit, not a dog.

  Valeda caught his frown. ‘What?’

  He could say ‘your tits are amazing’ or he could woo her the way she liked it. He’d looked up some very rousing facts just yesterday. ‘Did you know topside officials are considering making roller derby an Olympic sport? And that derby evolved from marathon skating?’

  She grabbed a fistful of his tunic and pulled him closer. ‘Stop that. Don’t make me drag you into a tent while my mother is watching.’

  ‘Promises, promises,’ he murmured, scanning those seated near them. But Semya was busy chatting with Lymenia, and Cinna was too engrossed watching the track to pay any attention to the conversation stirring his blood. He eyed one of the more colourful costumes passing by. ‘Do you still have that policewoman uniform that Razorclit loaned you?’

  ‘Hmmm, why do you ask?’

  ‘I’d like to see you in it again. And then I’d like to help you out of it.’

  ‘You should show more respect. I was an insanely powerful archdemon once.’

  He snorted. ‘Yeah, for about two seconds.’

  Her gaze rested on him. ‘I discovered it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. A girl’s allowed to change her mind, isn’t she?’

  ‘Of course. And you got something much better.’ He rested his head against hers. ‘Me.’

  She sighed. ‘I know, such an incredibly shit trade. Don’t remind me.’