by Howard Buten
Then we went to the alligators who are my favorite animals because once I almost got one in Miami Beach Florida when we were there, they sold them in little cardboard boxes. Babies. At the zoo they were on an island that had a pit around it and then some grass and then a chain. No cage. I looked at them. (I have an alligator at home, his name is Allie. He is dead. I got him at the airport, he has stuffing.) They were all smiling. So I climbed over the chain and walked over the grass up to the side of the pit, and I leaned over and said, “Hi, alligators.”
There were five of them. They were all sleeping and one of them had his mouth froze open. I decided to pet them while they were sleeping. That’s when I heard the whole third grade screaming. I turned around and saw Miss Iris running back and forth back and forth. Shrubs said, “It’s ok, Miss Iris. I think he knows them.”
But Miss Iris screamed, “Come back here right now, Burton, or I’ll brain you.”
“His name isn’t Burton, It’s Randy,” someone said. I turned around. Jessica was standing right beside me.
“You better get out of here,” I said. “They’ll kill you and eat you up, Jessica, they aren’t your friends.”
“I’ll introduce myself,” she said. The wind blew her dress a little, you could see her knee socks. And one of the alligators swished his tail.
“I’m Jessica Renton,” she said to the alligator.
“They don’t understand,” I said.
“I think they’re French alligators,” she said. “Once I saw a cartoon where Popeye socked an alligator and he went up in the air and came down as suitcases.”
“So what?”
“Nothing,” she said. Then she started to walk up to the alligators. I grabbed her arm.
“Let go.”
The children screamed louder. Miss Iris was biting her hand and waving at a man from the zoo.
“Jessica,” I said.
“My name isn’t Jessica.”
“What is it?”
“Contessa. My daddy calls me that. But you can’t.”
She walked toward the alligators and one started to walk around.
“Je m’appelle Jessica,” she said.
Suddenly somebody grabbed us. It was the man from the zoo. But Jessica pulled her arm away real fast and started running and when he looked at her I got away too. We jumped over the chain and ran away. We ran past the leopards. (Once I saw Popeye put spot remover on one.) We ran past the bears who were sitting up like dogs. We ran past the seals. (They play horns on tv and are boring.) We ran past the giraffes and ran until we got to the elephants. Jessica beat me, she is fast, man. She wasn’t even out of breath.
And suddenly all the children from the third grade came running up to where we were, it was a stampede, they were all yelling. Miss Iris came too, she was running. I have never seen Miss Iris run before, it looked wrong. Miss Hellman and Miss Craig came too. Hellman grabbed me on the arm and started to shake me. Then Jessica turned around.
“Miss Hellman, didn’t you say we could all get ice cream when we got to the refreshment stand? It’s right there. Can we?”
All the children started singing “We want ice cream, we want ice cream!” and they pulled on Miss Hellman till she let go of me. “All right,” she said.
They went. Everyone had ice cream except Jessica and me. She was leaning on a sign, looking at the elephants. The sign said
DON’T MISS OUR
RIB-TICKLING ELEPHANT SHOW
AT 4PM AND 5:30!
It was hot. I looked at the elephants, they made dust when they walked, there were three of them. They were all gray and dried up and cracked. They moved in slow motion back and forth back and forth. Then two of them moved backwards and the middle one turned in a circle. Then they all went forwards, then they all went backwards. It was so slow it seemed like weeks.
(I was going to give the call, and they would wake up and carry me off to the jungle, but I didn’t.)
Behind us the whole third grade was talking and eating ice cream and getting yelled at.
Jessica stood next to me. “Look at the elephants, Randy,” she said.
“My name isn’t really Randy,” I said.
“I know,” she said.
And we stood there next to each other. The elephants went back and forth back and forth.
Jessica said, “Look, Burt, they are doing their elephant show in their sleep. They’re sleeping, but they can’t stop.”
Miss Iris didn’t sit next to me on the bus ride home. She sat next to Marty Polaski.
[10]
ON THE WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL AFTER THE ZOO I GOT in a fight with Harold Lund. He is a big grease who is friends with Marty Polaski. He ambushed me, which is dirty fighting, man, and jumped on me and pinned me with his knees on my shoulders till Shrubs smashed him in the head with a garbage can and we both ran home.
When I got home the first thing my mom said was “Don’t open up your mouth,” because my pants were green on the knees from the grass. (They were new, I got them at West’s Clothing where they don’t have doors on the little rooms and a girl saw my underpants.) “It’s a crime,” said my mother. “Who beat you up this time?”
“The Jehovah’s Witnesses,” I said.
“What?”
I walked away. She chased me and grabbed my arm.
“Tell me the truth, young man,” she said.
So I told her. I got run over by a car which was drove by a Jehovah’s Witness and he got out and said I wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness but I said I was, only he didn’t believe me and then we had to arm wrestle and I beat him because he was weak and then a negro came and said I could be a negro if I wanted so I said ok and then the Jehovah’s Witness got mad and pushed me on the grass and then I came home.
I walked upstairs to my room. My mom yelled, “You get back down here and tell me the truth.” But I didn’t.
(I don’t know what Jehovah’s Witnesses is. I think it’s when you wear a sport jacket.)
I sat on my bed and picked up somebody. Monkey Cuddles, he was waiting for me. He said he saw out the window and it was me who beat up Harold Lund, not Shrubs. I threw my pants down the clothes chute, it is in Jeffrey’s room behind the door. It is a little door like the milk chute only it goes down the basement for dirty clothes. I wish I could go down the clothes chute but I am too large. And my pants didn’t go down. They got stuck halfway, you could hear. So I had to throw a book down it which is how you unplug the clothes chute. I went into my drawer to get Learn to Spell, Book I, which I kept in my dresser to study for the Spelling B.
Only it wasn’t there. I lost it. (I am messy. I don’t pick up after myself. My mom says, “I’m sick and tired of picking up after you, I’m going to stop and just let the garbage pile higher and higher until there isn’t any more room, then what will you do?” And I said, “Move to Florida.”) But instead of Learn to Spell, Book I, there was another book. From Little Acorns. My mom left it in my room after she read it to us. I looked in it. It had many pictures. There was Grandma and Grandpa and a little boy and a little girl and pigs and baby pigs and cows and baby cows, and chickens and eggs. And a peenie.
I closed it, it made me feel funny inside me. I sat down on my bed. Then the door opened up and a chicken walked in my room, it had a comb that was red. It was like skin and flopped from side to side. It climbed up on my bed and started to walk toward me and I tried to push it away. Then there was another chicken and then another one. My room was full of them, and they were all laying eggs and making noise, and then the one on my bed started to peck at my peenie and I got scared and hit it, and the comb on it started to swell up and get big and then I touched it with my finger and white stuff came out on my hand. Then it wasn’t a chicken. It was Jessica. She sat on my bed and had her hand up her dress and was looking at me.
“Burton, are you all right in there?” my mom yelled from the stairway, “are you all right?”
I opened the door and rubbed my eyes.
“You’ve been sle
eping,” she said. “Well it’s almost time for dinner. Wash your face and come down. And don’t mouth off to your father, he’s in one of his moods.”
I went in the bathroom and washed. (I used Sweetheart soap, it is my favorite, it has carving on it.) When I went back into my room to change there wasn’t any chickens or Jessica. I put From Little Acorns back in my dresser and went downstairs for dinner.
“I thought you were going to study for the Spelling B,” said Jeffrey. He was looking at girls in a magazine, in the underwear ads.
“It’s a free country,” I said.
“Perch on this,” he said and gave me the finger, which is swearing. My dad hit him. He was in one of his moods.
For dinner we had brisket. It was delicious and nutritious. Except Jeffrey kept horseplaying. He kicked me under the table. But after dinner he helped me study for the Spelling B.
The Spelling B was two weeks after the zoo. It was Fall, October. (I remember because my dad gave me his yellow windbreaker. It is cool, man, it has big sleeves that are like puffy on me and it is plastic not cloth, only the zipper is broke, that’s how I got it.)
For two weeks Jeffrey helped me study. I used Learn to Spell, books I, II, and III. Jeffrey had two from before, and Miss Iris gave me one. Also I used a dictionary. Jeffrey asked me words and I spelled them.
First there is the class Spelling B and then the grade Spelling B and then the school Spelling B and then the city Spelling B, and then I don’t know what Spelling B. I won my class one on numerous. I got a sticker on my forehead. It was a turkey. (Miss Iris was out of stars.) My mom said she was very proud of me and took me to Maxwell’s after school and said I could pick out an inexpensive toy. I asked for Zorro. He is a model already put together. He is swift. There are lots of models at Maxwell’s but Zorro is the biggest. Jeffrey said it’s because he’s from another company but I think he’s Spanish. He was too expensive anyway, so I got a new bag of men. But Mom said if I won the grade Spelling B I could get Zorro.
The night before the grade Spelling B I was nervous. I had pleurodynia. So I took Learn to Spell, Book I into the bathroom with me and stayed there and tested myself.
“Burton, what are you doing in there?” my mom said.
“Nothing,” I said.
“It sounds like you’re singing ‘Heartbreak Hotel,’” she said. (But it sounded exactly like the record. Exactly.)
The next day I didn’t even have nerves, which surprised me but I didn’t. I got up and had breakfast and Shrubs called for me like always and then he went into the den and stole candy out of Mom’s glass thing like always, and we went. I told him that maybe I would get Zorro from Maxwell’s and he said, “Goll.”
At belltime I had ants in my pants. (Not really ants.) We had Ackles the Science teacher for belltime. She is from the South, she calls us “folks.” And also she has a book that she gives you an E in when you’re bad. She calls them “big fat E’s.” That morning Marty Polaski got up for Show and Tell. He said, “Yesterday I was at home building an electric chair when I had an accident and cut off my finger. But I picked it up off the floor and put it in a little box so I wouldn’t lose it. And here it is.” He took out a little white box and inside was cotton and on the cotton was his finger. Miss Ackles turned white like she was going to ralph. Marcie Kane layed down on the floor, she died. And then Marty showed us, there was a hole in the bottom of the box that he stuck his finger through. (He got a big fat E from Miss Ackles.)
Then a girl came into the room and said, “Would the finalists for the Grade Three Spelling B please come with me to room 215.” And I went.
In room 215 all the children stood against the wall like a firing squad. Miss Iris and Miss Krepnik sat in the middle of the room on teachers’ chairs. Miss Krepnik took her mean pills, you could tell. I stood across from the window side of the room and looked out. It was Fall and the leaves were falling off the trees. They went bald.
Room 215 is Miss Iris’ room. It still had the bulletin board in it that I made for Open House. (Open House is when you come to school at night with your parents and stand in line to meet your teachers and hear them lie about you. The bulletin board was of a horse that said “Gallopin’ Good Grades!” and they put papers on it. I made it. I am an artist, I am good at drawing. Miss Verdon the Art teacher says I have talent. I like to make bulletin boards. You get to use teachers’ scissors which are pointy and could put an eye out.)
When everyone was quiet Miss Iris told us the rules of the Spelling B.
“We will ask each student one word at a time. You may ask us to repeat it. You may ask us to use it in a sentence, but once you begin to spell we can’t say anything else and you can’t change your mind once you’ve begun.”
Then the door opened. It was Miss Lipincott. She is a teacher. She had someone with her. She was pulling her by the arm. It was Jessica.
“Now you just take your place with the others, young lady,” Miss Lipincott said. “Hurry up.”
Jessica gave Lipincott a dirty look. She had a book with her. It was black, from the library. “You’ll have to put the book down, young lady,” said Miss Krepnik. “You can’t have a book with you during the Spelling B.”
“I had to practically drag her here,” said Lipincott.
“Why?” asked Miss Iris.
Lipincott turned to Jessica and said, “Why?”
“How the hell should I know?” said Jessica. (It was nasty language. In front of teachers, everyone froze.)
“I’m not going to encourage that filthy mouth of yours by pursuing this further,” said Lipincott. “Now you just put that book under a desk and we’ll get on with this.”
Jessica waited for a minute, but she put the book under a desk. Miss Krepnik said, “Thank you, Fran,” to Miss Lipincott, who left.
Then the Spelling B started.
Miss Krepnik asked Mike Funt brat.
“Could you use it in a sentence, please?” said Mike.
“Yes. He is a brat.”
“Brat. B R A T. Brat.”
Miss Iris asked Marion Parker roam.
“Could you use it in a sentence, please?”
“Yes. I like to roam.”
“Roam. R O A M. Roam.”
Miss Krepnik asked Tommy Halsey bicycle.
“Bicycle. B Y—.” But he knew he goofed. He almost started to cry and sat down.
Miss Krepnik asked Ruth Arnold bicycle.
“Could you use it in a sentence, please?”
“Yes. I have a bicycle.”
“Bicycle. B I C Y C L E. Bicycle.” She spelled it smiling. I hate Ruth Arnold, she is always the teacher’s pet because she is so smart and plays the violin. Once I asked her a riddle:
“Reading and writing and racing on Mars.
Can you spell it without any r’s?”
Ruth Arnold couldn’t. So I told her, “I T. It. Ha ha.” To be candid, I would like to kill Ruth Arnold. One time in Social Studies she told on me because I was showing Shrubs how to make it look like you’re pulling your thumb off. I got sent out in the hall and had to miss a test and then Crowley gave me an E on it, and I wasn’t even talking. (It was pantomime. We learned it in Homeroom in a Unit entitled “Let’s Put On a Play!”)
Miss Iris asked me autumn. I spelled it easy, I didn’t even ask for a sentence. But Ruth Arnold raised her hand and said, “Miss Iris, that isn’t fair because it has the word autumn right on the bulletin board. It says on the papers, ‘An Autumn Poem.’ Burt made the bulletin board, he saw.”
“I did not, you lie!” I said.
“That was not a signal to talk,” said Krepnik. But she said Ruth Arnold was right and Miss Iris had to ask me another word.
“Well just a minute, Helen,” said Miss Iris. “I don’t think it’s fair that Burt should have to spell an extra word. Besides, he didn’t put those papers up there, I did. He just put up the bulletin board.”
“Then I’ll give the word,” said Miss Krepnik.
“You will
not,” said Miss Iris. She was turning red and all the children stared.
“Look, it’s on the board,” said Krepnik.
“Are you crazy, he can’t see the board from there.”
The two teachers got real angry and looked daggers at each other. Then Miss Iris said that if anyone was going to ask me another word it would be her. So she asked me alternate.
“Could you use it in a sentence, please?” I said.
“Yes. The teachers who give the words at a Spelling B are supposed to alternate.”
“Alternate. A L T E R N A T E. Alternate.”
Then Miss Krepnik asked Joan Overbeck destroy. And Miss Iris asked Irving Klein neglect. And Miss Krepnik asked William Gage wholesome, but he got it wrong, only he wouldn’t sit down. Miss Krepnik said to sit down but William wouldn’t, he just stared at the floor. He didn’t want to be out. So Miss Iris said, “William, Honey, listen. These are the rules and we’ve got to obey them. There will be other chances for you next semester. I bet your parents will be very very proud of you when they hear how far you got.” Then William sat down and Miss Krepnik looked daggers at Miss Iris again.
Then it was Jessica’s turn. Miss Iris asked her receive but Jessica looked like she didn’t hear.
“Jessica.”
“What?”
“Receive.”
“Receive what?” said Jessica. Everybody laughed. Krepnik got real mad. “Receive is your word, young lady. Spell it please.”
“I T.”
“Jessica, maybe you would prefer to go straight to the office and forfeit your right to be in this Spelling B,” said Krepnik. “Is that what you want? Do you think your parents would find that amusing?”
Miss Iris said, “Jessica, either spell the word or you may take an E in spelling for the whole semester. Is that clear?” She was mad too.
But I thought something. That Jessica is very smart in school and that she would win the Spelling B, and not me. I got very nervous.
“Receive,” said Miss Krepnik.
“Could you use it in a sentence, please?”
