by Eden Rose
Dragon leaves me with a smirk and a wink. I welcome the silence of the room, pulling the covers off the bed to burrow myself in them. I’m more than willing to smother myself in hopes of dulling the pain.
Since this is a cheap motel I know the chances of a mini-bar are slim to none. I would have welcomed the numbing pain of an alcohol buzz. Anything that will drown out my thoughts of nothing and everything all at the same time.
I pull the pillow from the top of the bed, cradling it to my chest as I cry into it. How could I have been so stupid in blindly loving the man who wrecked me with only a short conversation? How could I have done this to myself?
Did I over look something that would have told me he wasn’t available emotionally? Did I over look everything we had and think it was something more? Obviously, he didn’t care about me like I thought he did.
Nothing can hurt me more than Beast at this moment.
The motel’s phone is ringing in the room, but I do not unbarricade myself to answer it. The thought of talking to anyone right now is more than I can bare.
What if it’s Beast asking me if I know where my dad is? What if it’s Prince telling me how I was just a piece of ass and a consolation prize?
Why did I have to squeeze my eyes so tightly and fall in love with the monster of a man? Why did I fall in love with someone who would never love me back? Who knew fate could be that cruel.
Beast
The room that would have belonged to my baby is hollow and quiet.
I reach under the crib to grab the mirror and the baggy of coke I know that’s under there from my last break down. I can’t handle the pain of knowing I fucked everything up. I pushed Bella away and now there’s no getting her back.
I dump the baggy of coke on the mirror, sliding the credit card off the mirror to create a line. The dollar I used the last time is lying on the mirror all rolled up ready for me to blow two years of sobriety.
Once the white angel powder is in a perfect line, I stick the dollar in my nose to numb the pain. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to fight the demons that follow me around no matter how much I try to fight them.
The monsters that haunt my memories of everything I have ruined. I could never be the man I needed to be to earn the love and trust of Bella. I could never be the one she needed fully.
I’m not worth a life full of love.
I do a quick sniff and instantly feel all my nerve endings waking up for the first time since the last time I have done it. I don’t want to fight the high I need to get through to get over Bella.
I groan, dropping the mirror on the carpet. I rub my nose and moan a little as I feel each and every little bit of pain that I once felt leave my body.
“I’m so sorry, Bella. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry to everyone,” I confess in a room full of no one. The only people in the world I could have needed and did need have left.
The baby I once thought I had growing, was killed by a selfish ex-girlfriend. I could have saved the baby. Could I have? I want to say I could have saved the baby from my evil fuckin’ ex from killing him.
Could I have prevented the pain I feel right now if I would have put on a condom? Probably. At the end, I’m an enforcer for The Diablos. Do I even deserve anything that beautiful?
Do I deserve the love I would have gotten from Bella?
I’ve run out of time to save my life and now I’m done for.
I pick up the mirror, getting another line in order to sniff. I sniff it quickly and laugh at the sad sack of shit I’ve become.
I do another.
And another.
And another.
Then I do another in hopes of blacking out from the high. Anything that will stop the pain of pushing Bella away and losing everything I once thought I needed.
Bella
At night he comes for me. Each night he comes for me, the more I cry myself to sleep after he leaves. He says he loves me but I didn’t think love was supposed to hurt this bad.
“Bella, why’re you crying?” He asks. “Did dad hurt you?”
I shake my head not wanting to anger my father anymore. “No.”
If I admit that he hurt me, who knows what would happen to me next. My body can’t take anymore. I can’t handle it.
He brushes the hair off my face and leans in to give me a kiss on my forehead. To anyone else, it would seem paternal. I know the truth.
It’s a form of reminding me I belong to him. I won’t ever be able to leave him.
I cry myself to sleep.
Turns out two weeks in a motel room can do a lot for a woman. I’ve spent the past two weeks banging out all of my homework and emailing the professors thanking them for their understanding. I had no idea how much I needed to focus on something more than Beast and The Diablos MC.
Each time I finished an assignment, I felt like I was getting my life back on track.
Pushing the thoughts of Beast out of my mind, I focused more on what I wanted to do when I grew up. Each time I considered something, I wondered if I would run into Beast in that profession. What would it feel like to run into him after all is said and done? Would he still want me if I were to be a lawyer?
The MC princess moving on and trying to stop crime and violence.
The truth is, he doesn’t want me at all. I’ve been here for two weeks and he hasn’t come to look for me or to see how I’m doing. There’s been no contact with The Diablos besides when Dragon comes to see me. He tells me just a little bit about the search to find my dad. I know he can’t tell me too much because of how the club rules goes. I’m not asking to know how the search is going, I want to know how Beast is doing.
If Beast misses me like I miss him. If he even cares that I’m not there anymore. Or that he shoved me away.
I’m staring at my computer screen waiting for my professor to post my grade to see if I can move on to the next class or not. The professors will tell us they will have all of our stuff graded by a certain time and they will post it.
My phone rings next to me.
“Hey, Briana,” I answer.
“Just making sure you’re not hanging from the rafters.”
I wince. “Thanks.”
“Have you heard from the yummy biker?”
“No,” I answer resentfully.
She giggles. “Just curious.”
“You’re such a gossiper!”
“Want to hear about my date?”
“Yes!” Anything to get me out of the hot seat.
“I met him at church and I thought maybe he would be a naughty church boy…”
“You didn’t!”
She groans. “I invited him over to my dorm room thinking we could get it on. I got naked and tried to straddle him. Guess what?”
I roll my eyes. “Uh, he’s gay?”
“That would have been better! He told me he would pray for me and then pushed me off his lap!”
“Briana, you know it’s cool to be a whore in school, but not every guy wants to be a whore too.”
She groans again. “They do. They just don’t know how to admit it. How are you?”
“Miserable,” I answer honestly. “Beast hasn’t called me and I don’t even know where my dad is. I haven’t heard from Roman, either. I don’t have any idea what’s going to happen.”
“They should make a TV show about your life. Call it Days Of Our Lives- Biker Style!”
“I worry about you.”
We talk for a couple of more minutes, mainly Briana’s trying to get me to go out with her again. I’m not ready to go and see people yet. I want to lay in bed. That’s all I want to do.
It’s midnight and I’m tired from a long day of trying to get all of my assignments done. I just want to get my grade so I can crash. That’s when I hear the pounding on the door.
I flinch, not knowing who it could be. I haven’t left my room very much and when I have, it’s been to get food and to do laundry. Unfortunately, this motel doesn’t do room service o
r I wouldn’t leave at all. I could live being naked, fuck it, it’s just me in here.
I creep off the bed to check through the peephole to see who’s here. Dragon’s nervous face is on the other side of the door which makes me fear the worse.
I throw open the door, stepping aside for him to come in. “Hey. What’s wrong?” I ask him shifting on my feet.
He places his hand on my shoulder and groans as if he’s in pain over something. “Bella, I need you to do something for me and I hate that I have to ask you. But, please, you have to fuckin’ do it,” Dragon rushes out.
I arch an eyebrow in what I hope is an encouraging gesture for him to tell me what he has to tell me. “What?”
“I need you to come with me.”
“Why?” I question.
My hip is cocked and my fist is made on it. I’m ready for whatever he has to give me.
Dragon looks like he’s struggling with something more than he’s willing to tell me. “I need you to come with me to Beast’s house. He’s locked himself in his house.”
“There’s no fucking way I’m going to his house!” I yell.
I feel the air in my chest begin to constrict, my vision blurs at the thought of seeing him again. After Beast treated me like a piece of ass, I never want to see that man again. That was not the man I fell in love with.
Do I even know who the man I fell in love with was? I don’t think so. I wanted to believe I knew Beast, I was living in his house, but truth be told, I don’t know shit.
My heart thumps in my chest, my blood in my veins turns icy hot all at the same time. I feel my knees go weak. “You… I, I can’t!”
“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t an emergency, Bella. You don’t fuckin’ know what the man is strugglin’ with. It’s bad. We need you there.”
“No! He doesn’t want to see me. Why would he want to see me after all of that bull shit that he said to me?” I yell.
My knees start to go out and I would have fallen if it wasn’t for Dragon catching me before falling.
Beast
No matter how much blow I sniff, I can never outrun the sun. The sun will always beam through my window and remind that another day is here and I have lived another day.
I’m still in the baby’s room with a wicked head ache and pain shooting through my whole body. Each time I try to move, I get dizzy. The pain is more intolerable than I care to fucking admit.
I graduated from Yale University. I’m a fucking graduate who’s now squandered the love of the one woman who could have given me any type of light in my forever darkness of my life.
Only if my professors could see me now. See the loser I have become and the complete and utter asshole I am now. The man who’s self-destructing quicker than an avalanche.
My stomach growls from the lack of food. I’ve been holed up in this room for what feels like only a day, but could be more. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know anything.
“Beast! Where the fuck are ya?” Someone yells through my house.
“Get the fuck outta my house!” I bark back.
Dealing with company is the last thing I need right now. I don’t need someone to come into my baby’s room to tell me what a useless piece of shit I am.
“What the fuck did you do?” Prince yells at me from the door.
“What do you think?” I demand. “You came into my house! You came into my temple and started yelling. Would you kindly fuck right off?” I yell at the president.
He stomps over to me, kneeling on the floor punching me across the face. I chuckle at the physical pain. I feel and taste the blood flooding my mouth. “What the fuck happened?”
I growl. “Why do you care? You’re the reason why she’s gone.”
“This is about Bella?” He demands and shakes my arm. “You’re in a room, smelling like shit because you’ve lost some chick?”
“She wasn’t some chick, prez. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t fucking know!”
He growls. “What the fuck are you gonna do about it? Sit in here and blow some more coke up your nose? You’re a Diablo, Diablos don’t sit in a room and cry like a little bitch!”
Each word he says doesn’t register. All I can think about is Bella’s beautiful face. Everything I’ve done to push her away and made her feel like a piece of ass.
“I’m not cryin’,” I complain.
“You need help, brother,” Prince suggests and sits across from me. “You can’t be a brother and be on this shit. I won’t allow it.”
“I got tired of fighting,” I admit and put my head on the crib.
“Fighting what?”
“The demons. The fuckin’ monsters who won’t leave me alone. They keep comin’ back and the only person who chased them away was Bella.”
“Why don’t you get your shit together and go get her back then?”
“What about the club?” I ask the one question I probably should have asked to begin with.
He shrugs. “We’re makin’ it. Worried about you, though. You know a lot of the brothers have kicked this shit, too.”
“I did it before,” I murmur.
“Do you promise to get help?” Prince demands.
“I don’t know if I can,” I admit.
“I know you can,” comes a little voice from the side of the room.
I turn my head to see an angel standing there, clutching the doorjamb. “Bella,” I call out to her.
She runs over to me, drops to her knees then throws her arms around my neck. “What happened?”
“I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry for everything,” I tell her.
She breaks our hug to look down at the coke residue on the mirror. “Did you do this?”
“I’m so sorry,” I can’t tell her I’m sorry enough.
“Why?” She asks.
Prince must sense I’m ready to crack because he nods over at Dragon to leave the room. “Let’s give them some space. We’ll be back in an hour.”
“How about you start by telling me about this room?”
“How about you tell me why you’re even here?” I ask. I have to know if I’m imagining this. If this is some fucking trick Prince has created to get me back on the wagon, I’m going to fuckin’ kill him.
“Do I have to spell it out to you?” Bella asks.
My head spins. “I think so.”
“I love you, Beast. I love you and I know you love me even though you won’t admit it.”
I close the distance between us and crush our lips together. She cringes slightly. “What?”
“You stink. You need to take a shower and then we’ll talk.”
Bella
Seeing the man who crushed me fight a much deeper battle than his love for me, was all it took for me to realize he needed me just as much as I needed him. I didn’t want to cave and fall back under his spell- I couldn’t help it.
I couldn’t help it. The man means more to me than anything and if I can help him, I will.
I get him into the shower after stripping him naked. Normally, his naked body would do something to me, but it doesn’t now. He’s broken and needs love. Not sex.
I strip out of my clothes, and step into the shower behind him. I wash both of us with the same body wash, using more on him than me, though. I wash his hair and face in hopes of getting the coke off of his nose.
Charger did coke with my dad a lot and I got used to seeing them passed out after the jolt of energy left them. I knew it was only a matter of time before he went through the withdrawals, Beast has a long road ahead of him.
Once we’re both done in the shower, I dry him off first then myself. He leads me to his bedroom, a room I’ve never been in before.
I look around at the beautiful room decked out in grays and steel coloring. The room is simple, manly and sexy- just like Beast. I wouldn’t have expected anything less from him.
“Top drawer,” he advises then sits on the bed.
I go to his top drawer to fish out his boxers. I hand th
em to him for him to get himself dressed.
“Bella, I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” he says again. “You have to know you’re not a piece of ass to me.”
“Will you quit apologizing?” I snap. Each time he apologizes is like he did it again. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the constant reminder of the hurt I’ve felt the past two weeks locked up in the motel room.
He nods.
“You have to answer some questions or I’m leaving. Do you understand?” I barter.
Beast’s eyes dilate making his pupils look smaller. “Yeah. Never seen you so forceful.”
I ignore that. “Who’s room is that?”
He bows his head. “It would have been my kid. I got some chick pregnant in college and she had an abortion without telling me. I couldn’t live with myself for not saving the baby. I fucked it up.”
Why would he keep a room to remind himself over the heartbreak from that? “Why…?”
“Why keep the room?”
He must have asked himself that question before. “Yeah,” I reply.
“It’s a reminder of what could have been. I could’ve been a father, a husband to some chick who just wanted a Yale graduate on her arm. I could’ve been something completely different than who I am today.”
Now that I think about it though, he’s very well spoken. Holy shit. Have I been blind this whole time?
“Yeah. I have a degree in business.”
“Why aren’t you-“ I don’t finish because I don’t want to hurt his feelings anymore than they already are.
“Why didn’t I get a job in business?”
Is he plugged into my mind?
“Yeah.”
“Corporate life isn’t for me. I’m a Diablo. I live for them.”
“Do you only want me for my dad?” I hastily ask.
He shakes his head then winces. “Bella, I could give two fucks about your dad. I need you. I want you. If we don’t find your dad, I’ll get over it. I need you.”
Tears spring to my eyes.
“Are you going to tell me about that nightmare you had when you first came here?” He asks me.
Tears roll down my face and there’s no way to stop them. “I didn’t have the childhood everyone thinks I had. Everyone thinks my dad was absent most of life. I wish that were the case.”
