by Rena Manse
A trickle ran over his thumb. As Aaron tried to wipe tears away, Ashley turned her head, but he caught her and scolded her with a look. He didn’t understand all the protocol. He couldn’t miss what his touch did to her, but she ran every chance she got and punished him for how he’d treated her.
But he wouldn’t open himself up to an unfeeling robot. He didn’t know if she could be serious about her feelings for him.
“I never meant to hurt you,” he whispered. “And I’m so sorry for everything, but you’ve got to know I’m a different man.” If she really didn’t want him changed, then he didn’t stand a chance.
She sniffled. “It’s not that,” came a near inaudible whisper.
“It’s—wha—y—you—what then?” Since when had he become a stuttering idiot?
“I need time to process what my life’s become. We share different values, that’s all. Maybe one day you’ll understand not everything is as cut and dried as a business deal. But I’m not angry with you.”
Thank God. He buried his face in her collar. He’d never had such confusing issues with anyone like what he’d experienced with Ashley. Out of his mind. Focused.
“I can’t remember the last time I thought of you as just a business transaction.” He breathed against her, only to have another tear crawl onto his cheek from hers. He wiped it with his lips. She expected him to believe these were tears of joy? “Please, tell me what’s wrong. We’ll get past it.” That released a new flood. What’d he say?
“You put me in a slot,” she croaked. Her hand clasped tight over her eyes. A faint keen wheezed from her throat. “Signed, sealed—” she flapped an arm. “This isn’t how I imagined…”
Slot. “What slot?”
She uncovered her face and stared out of the row of windows to the stars. The rapid rise of her chest gave him compulsion to put his hand over her heart. His own raced in tandem. They needed to work this out.
“Ashley, I’m so—”
“And stop saying you’re sorry!” She looked at him and nodded like she’d landed on her point. “We’re too different. Want different things. Apologize to God if you’re so full of remorse over who you are.”
“You know I did.”
Her eyes focused beyond his shoulder as though she watched an interpreter, then came back. It didn’t matter that he’d made his peace with God, it still left him to wade through the rancid pool he’d filled up over the years.
Ashley leaned her head, looking tired. “You know I can’t consent to anything outside our agreement, so what is it you really want from me?”
“Your trust, for starters. Despite what you said, you don’t trust me to tell you the truth.” He realized its impact on him as he said it. “Meanwhile, your words and your actions scream two different things.”
He didn’t know if either of them trusted the other. If he trusted her with the feelings he wanted to convey.
Aaron gave her attentive face the once-over. “I don’t understand you, and that bothers me. I also don’t get why we can’t take advantage and make the best out of this marriage.” He looked at his hand on her chest, holding her heart. “I want this.”
Her body jerked. She pulled away. “Your due benevolence, Aaron? You find new levels to hurt me. I can’t believe I actually considered...”
The virginity card. Of course. He couldn’t fathom why he tried so hard to make Ashley stay with him if he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He wanted a real marriage, to be her husband, to have her decide to make it recognizable before Almighty God.
He needed her to come to the conclusion of her feelings on her own, without him drawing roadmaps and arrows to unnaturally influence her. But reality was, if she didn’t have it in her in the first place, there’d be no convincing the dead horse.
“Your heart not your body! Although,” he said, piqued by her rejection, “I’ll take it, but not if you’re going to be a prude about it.” That silenced her for half a minute.
She looked at her feet, working her jaw, and smoothed her hands down her white halter-top. “Where’s the galley?”
That’s what she came come up with? He tried to confide the most important feelings of his life, find out her dreams and desires, and this woman wanted the cracked crab? “Find it yourself,” he yelled, slipping a glance over her. “Don’t get lost and accidentally debark, darling.” He turned to walk away.
“Oh, you’d just love me to do that.”
Something reared its dangerous head. Aaron didn’t want to speak, didn’t want to be embarrassed or hurt. But he also didn’t want to regret. He whirled around, knowing he shouldn’t, but got as close to the edge as possible. “Don’t even use that word! You know nothing about love. Nothing about how I would love you.”
His gut tightened and he felt like someone smacked him in the eye. He wanted to say more, but words tripped and gurgled in his throat. Ashley’s narrow stare turned wide-eyed. Her jaw slackened. But all too delayed as a reaction to his temper.
Walk away. Her gaze ran over him with a startled expression. He refused to ask about whatever can of drama she wanted opened. But her eyes locked him, had him staring back, about to forget his pride and beg for love.
Do it. Walk away. He clenched his teeth and stalked down the corridor. “Grrgh.” When did this circus happen to his life? How could she make such passionate feelings harbor inside, give him the cold shoulder, and him not want to dump her on the first thing back to the border? He’d clear his head, then he’d come back to deal with her.
“Where’re you going?” she called. Footfalls hurried after him. “Wait.”
“I can’t be with you, Ashley.”
“Wait. Look at me.”
He wanted to jump in his car and drive until morning, but stubborn pride wouldn’t allow him to charge up top and reveal the blow-out with his bride on their wedding night.
Aaron stood at the end of the short corridor, one foot on the bottom step, his hands holding up the walls. Hanging his head, he scrunched his face and listened to Ashley’s soft approach. God, whatever she does, don’t let her touch me. He rocked, prepping to bolt before Ellis launched.
“I’m sorry, Aaron. I didn’t see.”
He didn’t look. He thought he’d crack when her hand lay on his back. Not resting, but stroking the length, soothing the irritated baby inside. “I’m going for a drive.”
She didn’t stop the calming effect. “The boat will leave without you.”
“That should make you happy. Why come after me?”
For a few seconds, the only sound was their strained breaths. “I want to know wh…what you…”
Move past it, Ashley. She had to let him know one way or another which direction they were headed. Her firm hand stroked away his reserve. She said she didn’t see. Well, what did she see now? If he turned he’d end up on his knees holding onto her.
Fingers rubbed the back of his neck. His desperation rose.
“Tell me, Aaron.”
“Ashley.” All his emotions came out in the single word. The rush in his ears rivaled the sound of the engines.
He couldn’t speak again, but knew his silence transferred all the heart he wanted to give. And then it was too late, for after a minute, her hand slowed over his shoulder blade. Yeah, too late for him to jump ship, too late for her. He’d ride out the storm on the open water for the next two days.
“Please tell me,” she whispered.
Uh-uh. He knew what she asked, but she had to take her step. “Tell you what?” I need proof of life. “No. You tell me what you want.”
“How you…” Ashley’s hand fell. Her quick steps retreated, then abruptly stopped. Slowly they came back and her nearness scorched his arm.
Aaron closed his eyes.
“To be who you love.”
Ashley heard a searing breath like it was his last. Aaron swung round to face her. Clawed hands peeled his scalp as he scrubbed from eyebrows to nape.
That didn’t look good.
“If you’re playing with me, Ashley—” His hard gaze bore into her eyes and her heart raced. “You’re not...”
“I’m not lying...”
Their voices overlapped. They stared for a couple seconds more. He accused her that she knew nothing of how he would love her. But she did. Strong. Without apology. Because Aaron Gilyard never did anything half way.
She couldn’t catch her breath around her thrashing heart, wanting to experience that intensity of his love. Was she ready for it?
Aaron rubbed his chest, stared at the floor, then her. She’d show him she could love him with everything if he was willing. His hands braced against the walls again, and Ashley braced her nerves, ready if he wasn’t willing after all.
“More than anything.”
What was he saying?
“That’s how I’d love you, Ashley Gilyard. More than anything.”
“You—” her mind went blank.
“Love you,” he finished.
Her insides hiccupped in sweet pain and acceptance while her brain tossed it over. Anxiety, giddiness, and strength quickly followed as the rush of reality sank in. His anxious gaze swept her face. “Is this real?” she asked.
Very slowly he nodded. “I love you,” he said again.
She covered her mouth as she laughed and blinked back tears at the confidence behind his words. “You’re sure? I’m a lot of trouble.”
“I’ve never had this—” He waved a hand between them. “So, I’m not letting you out of my sight until you’re convinced.”
“You won’t?”
This time, very slowly he shook his head.
“Pretty difficult if I’m in Toronto.”
“You’re not going back to Toronto.”
“Says who?” Butterflies fluttered at his smile.
“You.”
Oh, he got that right.
A light finger touched her lips. “This is what I’ve been tripping over my tongue all night to tell you.” He took her hand. “I thought I needed a way to convince you because you wouldn’t believe me if I just came out and said it.”
She wouldn’t have. He’d always been amorous toward her. Being saved didn’t guarantee he’d changed from his learned mentality. But he loved her. A world of unsure possibilities of their next step opened up.
“I didn’t want to be just another woman to you.” She put her other hand firmly on his chest to feel the realness of him. God had really pulled a number on her, because Aaron was here, saying he loved her. “But you were really freaking out back there. I don’t think losing your cool, and stuttering, and getting all misty-eyed is typical behavior of a man trying to seduce a woman.”
He chuckled and his eyes closed. Ashley wanted to impress her presence on him, assure him she was really there, and moved closer. His tight embrace came as her reward. It felt better this time round. She wanted to make him feel just as treasured and accepted.
“I love you, Aaron.” That sounded nice to say out loud; I love you, Aaron. For the first time ever. Without fear. It felt right. “I love you. I have for a long time.” She felt his body relax against her. “I’m glad you gave your life back to God.”
His throat rumbled agreement. “It’s insane without Him. But I think I’d be insane without you. I let Him in, and you seemed to fall right into place.” He pulled back to study her. “You didn’t want me.”
She’d read him all wrong these last few days, made him suffer. “Forgive me.”
He lowered his head and kissed her eye and cheekbone, and the corner of her mouth. “Nothing has been your fault. I know now why you couldn’t release your heart.”
That was it. Even though he’d had it, she hadn’t released it. “I give it to you.” It stood safe right here with him now.
For a second he pulled his head away to blink at her, then Aaron’s mouth tickled over hers. She pressed in as his hand glided down her back. Ashley took his eager kiss, longing to show how sorry she was. His pulse raced beneath her palm. His lips touched on her chin and neck before returning and asking for more access.
Granting it, apprehension rose with flashing lights, bells and whistles. Wedding night. A notarized piece of paper couldn’t take away her fear of giving her body for the first time. As much as she wanted to. But this man meant so much to her.
He slowed the rhythm of their kiss and pulled back. “I’ve needed you for so long,” he whispered, with a quick kiss.
“I know.” She knew she’d needed him for so long. They needed to learn how to use all those communication skills Pastor Connor and his wife talked about. Starting now. She wanted to make Aaron happy, but knew he would understand. “I’m afraid.”
He stepped back with a smile. “Not afraid as I am.”
She felt her eyes pop.
Again with the slow nod “You’re a challenge. You make me nervous.” He chuckled, accompanied by a sly smile as he whispered, “I don’t want it to stop.”
She grinned and feathered his jaw, then leaned her head into the hand that came up to touch her face. She wasn’t alone in her uncertainty. Aaron’s eyes shone in the moonlight as they stayed on her. She didn’t hide her desire for him, and soon he glanced over her shoulder in the direction of the cabin.
He pulled her close. His breath danced over her ear. Aaron rocked her, the intimacy comforting and surreal. Protective. In that moment, the exquisite freedom of loving him, she didn’t mind if she was his possession. Whatever the night held, she loved him and knew he wanted to be with her in every way. Her body melted against his. If he wanted to consummate their marriage tonight, she would give him that. He’d never do anything to hurt her.
A minute passed, maybe two, before he turned his head and spoke with his lips against her temple. “I’ll do anything to make you happy, Ash. Don’t worry. I don’t need to make love to you tonight if you’re not ready.” His face caressed her cheek and chin. Light kisses skimmed her lips and closed eyes. “But you’re the most extraordinary woman I’ve ever met, and I need to hold you. I need to be near you.”
Ashley looked down at the ring on her husband’s hand as he gently took hers and ushered her to the cabin. She wouldn’t change a thing about that night. They talked, they laughed, they kissed, they gazed at each other, held each other. They saw their future in each other’s eyes.
Not many hours later, Aaron lifted his lids. The sun rose softly, the yacht rocked gently, but these petty pleasures were missed by his bride asleep in his arms.
He watched his left hand drift down her fully-clothed side to her hip, then he leaned over and kissed a closed eye. Ashley’s warm presence curled closer. He managed a tired smiled and reached for her hand…their wildest dreams a touch away.
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