The Loss of Love and Truth

by R Kenneth Donaldson

  By two o’clock in the morning, I was officially fucked up. Between the liquor and the tears I could barely see. So I put the tape and the letters back in the box and carefully laid it on the floor. As I bent down to lay the box on the floor I thought I heard a whirring sound coming from the opposite end of the sofa. Feeling more than a little tipsy, I stumbled towards the sound and bent down behind the sofa. I had to sit back up on the sofa, because the blood rushing to my head was making me dizzy. After gaining my barings, I tried once again to figure out what this whirring sound was. This time though,

  I decided to push back the sofa. When I did, the first thing I noticed was all the dust bunnies on the floor.

  “I’m gonna have to tell that housecleaner that she’s got to do a better job about her cleaning.” I slurred.

  Then I noticed in the corner sat a black beeper. I quickly picked it up and looked at it.

  “Where the hell did this come from? I say to myself. Looking at the beeper closely, I realize it belonged to Mitchell. I got up from the floor and walked over to the kitchen counter and set the beeper down.

  I dragged myself upstairs to go to bed. I stripped down to nothing and laid across my bed buck naked. Sleep didn’t come easily as I lay awake trying to will sleep upon myself. When I tried to close my eyes the room just kept spinning. I finally fell asleep, but I was jolted out of my slumber by a knock from the front door. I jerk my head up from the bed and knew immediately it was a mistake. The rush of blood to my head caused my stomach to flip. The wine that lay in my stomach was not agreeing with me at all. I mentally willed my body to calm down as I slid to the edge of the bed. The knocking continued. Whoever it was, was not going away. I looked at the clock and realized it was six o’clock in the morning. I stood up and was about to walk downstairs, when I realized that I was still naked. I went to the bathroom and grabbed my robe from behind the door. I made my way gradually downstairs as the knocking at the front door persisted. I knew I probably looked like hell as I looked through the peep hole of the front door and proceeded to unlock it.

  “What is it, John?” I asked trying to block the sun with my hand. “Trevor, we need to talk,” John said as he pushed his way past me. “Well, come on in.” I said sarcastically while shutting the door.

  I followed him into the living room where he paced back and forth. I sat down on the sofa with my head in my hands.

  “Are you gonna continue to pace and run a path in my wood floors?” I asked. “I, I couldn’t sleep at all last night after our conversation yesterday.”

  I immediately perked up. I tried playing dumb. “What conversation?” I asked.

  “Trevor, don’t play with me, alright? I know you better than you think.”

  “Fine,” I said finally awakening. “Why did you come way over here this early in the morning?”

  “Like I said, the conversation we had yesterday really bothered me.” “Guilty conscience?”

  “Yeah, but not what you think. I couldn’t go into what I knew about this case with you and God only knows why I’m doing it now, but I’ve been undercover since before the raid in Queens went down.”

  “Wait a minute!! That raid happened while I was still on the force. You mean to tell me that…”

  “That’s right Trevor. I couldn’t tell you that I was involved in it because we’ve been watching Mitchell for awhile. Since you and him were lovers, I was afraid you may try to get involved.”

  “You mean to tell me all this time, you couldn’t trust me with this?”

  “It’s not that I didn’t trust you Trevor, it’s just that if you knew, it may have tipped our hand to Mitchell. There’s something you should know about your ex-lover. Mitchell was just not a regular drug user as you think. He and two others headed a major drug ring. Anyway, Mitchell had someone on the force tipping him off on when we were going to catch his ass. I mean every time we were close, he would slip through our fingers. That’s when the Internal Affairs guys got involved and put me undercover. I couldn’t tell a soul. We just couldn’t and we still can’t figure out who on the force was the leak.”

  I thought about what John just told me. After a few minutes I looked up and said, “Let me ask you John. Was that you that I saw at the diner that night Mitchell died?”

  John looked at me confused.

  “Yeah, how did you know?”

  “Well, one thing I have is a strong memory. You wore the same jogging suit today as the one you wore that night.”

  “Yeah well, meeting with him didn’t do any good.” John said as he begun his story. “Mitchell called me up late that night. Evidently he was at some club and he said he wanted to come clean and tell me who it was behind the corruption at the station. He told me the reason why he had such a change of heart was because he was out with you and said he started thinking and wanted to get out of the mess he was in. He knew we were still watching his ass after your father got him off so easy. What he didn’t know was that it wasn’t your father that got him off. Mitchell was trying to give us the run-around and play us for a fool. He wouldn’t tell us who on the force was involved. We figured if we let his ass go he would slip up sooner or later.”

  “Yeah, but soon after, he wound up dead.”

  “I know. Evidently, whoever was supplying Mitchell with that shit, knew he was gonna rat and slipped him some bad stuff. And, just to let you know, you were being followed that night.”

  “By who, your guys?”

  “No, think about it Trevor. Remember the full vial of crack in the garbage?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well that was just to throw us off the trail. There had to be another vial.” “But there was none.”

  “Exactly. Someone else must have been in here, in your house and took the empty vial and pipe and then replacing the full one in the garbage.”

  I thought for a minute.

  “You know, you’re right. And that would explain why I’ve been getting these threatening phone calls the last couple of days.”

  “I figured as much. You were at Mitchell’s apartment yesterday weren’t you?” “Yeah, how did you know?”

  “Trevor, the place has been under surveillance for the past six months. So I’m sure that whoever it was feels you found something they were looking for.”

  I stood up quickly. “John, I can’t continue to live like this. I may as well inform you now, if you guys don’t take care of this soon, I will.”

  “That’s the reason why I came over. Like I said, I know you. After talking to you I knew exactly what you would do. And I came to stop you and tell you to stay out of it Trevor. All you’re gonna do is hinder us from getting this guy.”

  “John, I’m sorry, but I can’t sit around with my hands on my ass and do nothing. This guy’s threatening to harm my family. Now, if you were in my situation you would do the same thing.”

  “Maybe, but all I’m asking is that you please stay out of it, Trevor. I need for you to do me this favor.”

  I sat back down and looked at John. “Alright, John, but you better keep me informed.”

  I was totally lying to him. I already had a plan starting in my mind, but I tried to keep my face neutral so John wouldn’t read it on my face.

  “Let me ask you, Trevor, how did you find out about my bank account?” John asked. “Like you, John, I have my secrets. And I don’t plan on telling you. So, how the hell did you get so rich overnight anyway?”

  “You knew my grandmother passed away last year. She left me a nice piece of change in her will.”

  “Okay. I guess you’re off the hook. Look, I need to nurse this hangover, so if that’s all, I’m going back to bed.”

  “Look, Trevor, I’m really sorry that I didn’t come straight with you in the beginning, but you can understand, can’t you?”

  “I guess I’ll get over it. But don’t expect it to be overnight.” “Alright. I understand. So I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

  Before I knew it, it was Saturday evening. The week
had flown by. Marcus and I were getting ready for this party that Arnold had invited us to. I still had my doubts about going. First off, I had other things I needed to be doing. Secondly, I really didn’t want to stir up anything with Arnold. I know me. I’m just a little bit too open right now. The right words could have me doing something that I may not normally want to do.

  Around nine o’clock we were both in the living room listening to some music. I was sipping on a glass of white wine and Marcus was doing what he does best…gossiping.

  “So did you and Isaac make up yet?” I asked Marcus.

  “He’s still trying to get out the dog house. Lately, he’s been doing all he can for me, crying and begging me to take him back. He sent me two dozen roses the other day. He bought me a sweater and a teddy bear. Chile, I may just keep his ass in the dog house if he keeps this up.”

  “Alright now. Just don’t keep it up for too long. He may realize it’s cheaper just to drop your ass.”

  “I don’t think so. Isaac knows he can’t find anyone to treat him like I do. He’d be a fool. Anyway, it’s not up to him. It’s up to me. But, I guess I’ll keep him for awhile. I’ve already got him broken in. It’ll just be too much work trying to train someone else in this fine work of art called Marcus.”

  “We’re awfully cocky, ain’t we?” I said laughing.

  “Well, when you got all of this, it’s hard not to be.” Marcus says with his hands raised in his diva pose.

  “So what time are we supposed to be at this party?” Marcus asked.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Arnold said to try to get there around ten. But I think we’ll show up around eleven or so.”

  “Sooo, how’s that coming along anyway?” Marcus asked slyly.

  “I guess it’s coming along okay. I mean he’s been calling every night. He even wants to take me out on Sunday. But, you know I don’t want to get involved with that boy.”

  “And why not. He’s fine, tall, got a job and he’s seems to be treating you the right way.”

  “Oh c’mon Marcus you know the routine. You know how these kids act. There’ll all lovey-dovey in the beginning. They’re all over you with attention and wanting to spend time with you. But just when you finally get comfortable with them and start to open up a little, that’s when they start acting stupid. Start getting scared, like little girls. I’m tired of hearing them whine about how “I’ve been hurt before and I just don’t wanna get hurt again” or “I’m starting to like you too much and I don’t know how to take it” or my favorite “You’re too much for me, I don’t think I’m man enough for you.” Can you believe that shit? And don’t act like you haven’t heard this shit before, cause I know you have,” I said laughing.

  Marcus is on the floor laughing. It takes him a few minutes to get himself together. “Honey, I know what you mean. You would think you just told them you just came down with chlemydia or something.”

  We continue to joke around like this for about the next hour or so.

  The directions Arnold gave me were on the money. It took us about twenty minutes from my house to get there. After parking my jeep in the garage to the apartment building, we stepped out and walked towards the main entrance. Marcus looked good in his black silk outfit and a pair of black loafers. I, however, wasn’t out to impress anyone so I opted on a simple pair of blue jeans, a white oxford shirt and a blue blazer.

  “Well, you’re looking a bit like a buppie.” Marcus commented.

  “As long as I’m comfortable, I don’t care what I look like,” I answered back.

  As we reached the lobby, we could already hear the loud music coming from the apartment. The elevator ride was short and swift. We didn’t need to know which apartment the party was in, because people were all in the hall drinking and talking. We walked towards the apartment and were stopped short by this massive man at the door.

  He was, I would say, about 6’7” and to look him in the eye I had to bend back my head so that it touched my shoulders. His arms were about as big as my head and he didn’t look happy.

  “Hold up guys, that’ll be five dollars.”

  “Five dollars!!” I said. “What kinda party is this?”

  At that point, Arnold came rushing towards the door.

  “It’s alright, King, they’re with me,” Arnold said to the bouncer.

  Arnold takes me by the arm smiling so brightly that you would think I was a surprise celebrity guest or something.

  “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to make it.” He said. “I told you I was and I’m a man of my word.” I said.

  I quickly gave Arnold a look once over. The man did look pretty good. He was wearing a pair of black baggy jeans, an oversized sweatshirt and a cap, a totally different look from his security uniform. As he kept smiling at me, he commented. “You guys look great. Come on let me introduce you to the host.”

  Arnold lead us through a maze of people. Everyone was having a good time. There were plenty of guys and girls. Many of which were dancing and drinking. The apartment was humongous. It had high ceilings, floor to ceiling windows and hard wood floors.

  Arnold finally pushed his way through to the kitchen where there were only a small group of people talking and laughing.

  “Ay yo, Mike, I want you to meet some peoples.” Arnold said to this guy with a clean shaven head.

  Mike stood up from the chair he was sitting in and stood over me. “Damn, are all these brotha’s tall?” I asked myself.

  “Hi ’ya doin?” Mike said in a deep voice. “What’s your name?” He asked as we both shook hands.

  “Trevor and this is my friend Marcus,” I said introducing them to each other. “Hi.” Marcus said. “You have a great apartment.”

  “Thanks. Would you like to see the rest of it?” Mike asked Marcus. The handshake they shared seemed to last a little longer than necessary.

  “Sure. Trevor, are you coming?” Marcus asked, smiling and giving me a look as if to say to me, “Chile, this man is fine.”

  “I wanted to show Trevor the view from the terrace.” Arnold said.

  “Well, I guess that answers that. I’ll see you later,” Marcus said, following Mike out the kitchen.

  As the two left, I slowly direct my gaze towards Arnold. He was smiling at me. “What?” I said smiling.

  “Nothing. I was just thinking how good you look.”

  “Well, you look good too. So, where is this terrace?” I asked. It was getting a little hot in here and I needed to cool off a bit.

  “It’s through the living room. Would you like a drink before we go though?” “Sure, why not.” I said.

  “So, what’s your pleasure.” He asked slyly as he walked over to the counter where there had to be over fifty different bottles of liquor.

  “I don’t know, surprise me.”

  As Arnold mixed the drink, he turned his head towards me where I stood leaning against the counter.

  “You need to stop looking like that.” He said.

  A little puzzled I asked, “Looking like what?” “So sexy.”

  “C’mon, Arnold. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m dressed very conservatively tonight.”

  “It ain’t how you dressed. You just look good period.”

  “Well, thank s, but you’re embarrassing me. So let’s talk about something else.”

  He handed me the drink and I sipped it slowly. I was already feeling quite lovely before I got there, after drinking three glasses of wine before I left my house. So I made a mental note to slow it down, before I got out of hand.

  We walked out the kitchen to the living room. This time I had the opportunity to notice that the pounding loud music coming from the speakers was being played by a DJ. The music was pretty good. With drink in hand I start to move to the beat. Arnold looked back at me and smiled.

  “Do you wann a dance?” he asked.

  I looked around the room. Everyone around was obviously straight, so I shook my head.

  I didn’t know the
se people and since I didn’t bring Honey with me, I wanted to avoid any gay bashing tonight.

  “Naw, that’s okay. I’m just enjoying the music.” I said.

  “Yo, it’s okay. These peoples are cool.” He said trying to reassure me. “That’s okay. I need some fresh air anyway.”

  Arnold shrugged his shoulders and started towards the terrace. He pulled back the venetian blinds that curtained the door to the terrace. Arnold opened the door and let me walk through. It was really nice. One comer of the patio had numerous amounts of different plants. There were trees and fems and other plants I couldn’t name. It looked like a little garden. There was a pool table in one comer and a few chairs. The terrace was well lit.

  “Let me tum some of these lights out so you can see the skyline better.” Arnold said as he walked over to the circuit box.

  He was right. The skyline was beautiful. It was as if I were an angel looking down from heaven. I was totally engrossed in the beautiful picture. I didn’t even notice when Arnold walked up beside me.

  “This is really nice.” He said.

  “Yeah, I know. The view is really great.” I said leaning on the railing with my elbows. “Oh, I don’t mean the view. I mean being here with you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

  “Oh, really? And what kind of thoughts were running through your mind.” “Some I can’t tell you right now.”

  “I figured as much.”

  “Wait a minute. I said some I can’t tell you. The majority I can. But, I’m not.” “That’s okay. I didn’t want to know anyway.” I said teasingly.

  “It’s a good thing, cause you probably couldn’t handle it.” “Baby, there are only a few things I can’t handle.”

  “Oh really? Well, I’ve been wanting to know what your lips felt like.”

  “All you have to do is ask.” “May I find out?”

  “Wrong question.”

  “What do you mean wrong question. How else am I to know what they feel like?” “Like I said, all you have to do is ask me how they feel. I’ll tell you. They feel like butter.”