by Bel Kaufman
Tell Mr. McHabe I don’t drive. Now, class– –
Hurray! Saved by the bell!
Just a minute–the bell seems to be fifteen minutes early. It may be a mistake. We have so much to– – Please remain in your– –
That’s the bell! You heard it!
All the other teachers are letting them out!
But we must finish the– –
When the bell rings, we’re supposed to go!
Where do we go, assembly?
Please sit down. I’d like to– –We haven’t– –Well. It looks as if you and I are the only ones left. Your name is– –?
Alice Blake, Miss Barrett. I just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your lesson.
Thank you, but it wasn’t really a– –Yes, young lady?
I’m from the office. She says to announce this to your class right away.
PLEASE DISREGARD THE BELLS. STUDENTS ARE TO REMAIN IN THEIR HOMEROOMS UNTIL THE WARNING BELL RINGS.
I’m afraid they’ve all gone.
I’ve got to go too, Miss Barrett. I wish I had you for English, but my program says Mr. Barringer.
I’m sure he’s a fine teacher, Alice, and that you’ll do well with him.
You Barrett?
What’s that, young man?
Late pass.
That’s no way to hand it to me. Throwing it like that on my desk– –
My aim is bad.
There’s no need for insolence. Please take that toothpick out of your mouth when you talk to me. And take your hands out of your pockets.
Which first?
What’s your name?
You gonna report me?
What’s your name?
You gonna give me a zero?
I’m afraid I’ve had just about– –What’s your name?
Joe.
Joe what?
Ferone. You gonna send a letter home? Take away my lollipop? Lecture me? Spank me?
All I asked– –
Yeah. All you asked.
I don’t allow anyone to talk to me like that.
So you’re lucky–you’re a teacher!
INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION
FROM: Mrs. Beatrice Schachter, Room 508
TO: Miss Sylvia Barrett, Room 304
Dear Syl–
Welcome to the fold! I hope it goes well with you on this, your first day. If you need help, just holler; I’m in 508.
What’s your program? Can we synchronize our lunch periods?
Fondly,
Bea
* * *
INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION
FROM: Miss Sylvia Barrett, Room 304
TO: Mrs. Beatrice Schachter, Room 508
Dear Bea–
Help!
I’m buried beneath an avalanche of papers, I don’t understand the language of the country, and what do I do about a kid who calls me “Hi, teach!”?
Syl
* * *
INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION
FROM: Room 508
TO: Room 304
Nothing. Maybe he calls you Hi, teach! because he likes you. Why not answer Hi, pupe?
The clerical work is par for the course. “Keep on file in numerical order” means throw in wastebasket. You’ll soon learn the language. “Let it be a challenge to you” means you’re stuck with it; “interpersonal relationships” is a fight between kids; “ancillary civic agencies for supportive discipline” means call the cops; “Language Arts Dept.” is the English office; “literature based on child’s reading level and experiential background” means that’s all they’ve got in the Book Room; “non-academic-minded” is a delinquent; and “It has come to my attention” means you’re in trouble.
Did you get anything done in homeroom today?
Bea
* * *
INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION
FROM: 304
TO: 508
Dear Bea–
I checked off 2½ items from some 20 on the list of things to be done.
A boy fell off his chair.
Nothing in my courses on Anglo-Saxon literature, or in Pedagogy, or in my Master’s thesis on Chaucer had prepared me for this. I had planned to establish rapport, a climate of warmth and mutual respect. I would begin, I thought, with First Impressions: importance of appearance, manners, speech, on which I’d build an eloquent case for good diction, correct usage, fluent self-expression. From there it would be just a step to the limitless realms of creativity.
That’s what I thought.
What happened was that I didn’t get beyond the B’s in taking attendance. And I forgot to have them salute the flag, and I have an uneasy feeling that it’s illegal.
Syl
* * *
INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION
FROM: 508
TO: 304
You’re in the clear. On assembly days they salute in the auditorium. What’s illegal now is the Bible reading.
Bea
* * *
INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION
FROM: 304
TO: 508
Dear Bea–
What does the SS stand for in Eng. SS? Secret Service? Social Security? Sesame Seeds? Super-Slows?
Syl
* * *
INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION
FROM: 508
TO: 304
You’re warm: special slow classes. The new teachers are stuck with the toughest assignments. Don’t despair–by the time you get to be my age, you’ll earn the choicest seniors.
I see by your program you’re a “floater”–that means you travel from room to room. Insist on a desk drawer of your own in each room where you teach; if not, get a strong-armed boy to lug your things.
You have Hall Patrol–that’s a cinch now that we have Aides to help with the non-teaching assignments. It means walking up and down the corridors and stopping kids without passes. It’s a higher-class job than Cafeteria Duty, but carries less prestige than the Book Room or Staircase Patrol. All of us have one such “building assignment” a day, besides five teaching classes, a homeroom, and one “unassigned” (don’t ever dare to call it “free”) period. Those who play their cards right are relieved of homeroom, or even a teaching class, by becoming Lateness Coordinators or Program Integrators or Vocational Counselors or some such thing. We also have a lunch period. Yours, I see, is at the end of the third period, which means we can eat together on Wednesdays. Your gastric juices must start to flow at 10:17 A.M. It’s a challenge.
Bea
PROGRAM FOR TODAY’S HOMEROOM PERIOD:
(CHECK OFF EACH ITEM BEFORE LEAVING BUILDING TODAY)
MAKE OUT DELANEY CARDS AND SEATING PLAN
TAKE ATTENDANCE
FILL OUT ATTENDANCE SHEETS
SEND OUT ABSENTEE CARDS
MAKE OUT TRANSCRIPTS FOR TRANSFERS
MAKE OUT 3 SETS OF STUDENTS’ PROGRAM CARDS (YELLOW) FROM MASTER PROGRAM CARD (BLUE), ALPHABETIZE AND SEND TO 201
MAKE OUT 5 COPIES OF TEACHER’S PROGRAM CARD (WHITE) AND SEND TO 211
SIGN TRANSPORTATION CARDS
REQUISITION SUPPLIES
ASSIGN LOCKERS AND SEND NAMES AND NUMBERS TO 201
FILL OUT AGE-LEVEL REPORTS
ANNOUNCE AND POST ASSEMBLY SCHEDULE AND ASSIGN ROWS IN AUDITORIUM
ANNOUNCE AND POST FIRE, SHELTER AND DISPERSAL DRILLS REGULATIONS
CHECK LAST TERM’S BOOK AND DENTAL BLACKLISTS
CHECK LIBRARY BLACKLIST
FILL OUT CONDITION OF ROOM REPORT
ELECT CLASS OFFICERS
URGE JOINING G.O. AND BEGIN COLLECTING MONEY
APPOINT ROOM DECORATIONS MONITOR AND BEGIN DECORATINC ROOM
SALUTE FLAG (ONLY FOR NON-ASSEMBLY OR Y2 SECTIONS)
POINT OUT THE NATURE AND FUNCTION OF HOMEROOM: LITERALLY, A ROOM THAT IS A HOME, WHERE STUDENTS WILL FIND A FRIENDLY ATMOSPHERE AND GUIDANCE
TEACHERS WITH EXTRA TIME ARE TO REPORT TO THE OFFICE
TO ASSIST WITH ACTIVITIES WHICH DEMAND ATTENTION.
* * *
CALVIN COOLIDGE HIGH SCHOOL
MAXWELL E. CLARKE, PRINCIPAL
JAMES J. MCHABE, ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT
CIRCULAR # 1A
TOPIC: ORGANIZATION
PLEASE KEEP ALL CIRCULARS ON FILE, IN THEIR ORDER
DILIGENCE, ACCURACY AND PROMPTNESS ARE ESSENTIAL IN CARRYING OUT ALL INSTRUCTIONS AS TO PROCEDURES.
PROGRAM FOR MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
LONG HOMEROOM PERIOD (SEE CIRCULAR #H16)
SHORT SUBJECT CLASS PERIODS (SEE CIRCULAR # 7C, SECTION 4)
ASSEMBLY BELL SCHEDULE (SEE ASSEMBLY CIRCULAR # 3D, PAR. 5 & 6)
PUPILS ARE TO REPORT BACK TO THEIR HOMEROOMS TO BE CHECKED OFF AT 2:56. DISMISSAL BELL WILL RING AT 3:05 SHARP. THIS, HOWEVER, IS UNCERTAIN.
* * *
TO: ALL ENGLISH TEACHERS
PLEASE SEND TO THE ENGLISH OFFICE BEFORE 3 TODAY YOUR REGISTERS IN ALL SUBJECT CLASSES IN ORDER TO ENABLE US TO EQUALIZE THE TEACHER-LOAD AND ACHIEVE A GOAL OF 33 STUDENTS PER CLASS.
Samuel Bester
Chairman, Language Arts Dept.
* * *
FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.
TO: ALL TEACHERS
RE: REQUISITION OF SUPPLIES
PLEASE ANTICIPATE YOUR NEEDS AND REQUEST SUPPLIES BEFORE THEY ARE NEEDED. PLEASE DO NOT MAKE EXCESSIVE DEMANDS.
TO PREVENT NON-AUTHENTICITY OF SIGNATURES, PLEASE SIGN YOUR FULL NAME IN INK ON YOUR REQUISITION SLIP.
IF YOU WISH TO DECORATE YOUR ROOM WITH POSTERS, WE HAVE A FEW LEFT:
BLOCK LETTERS, BLUE ON WHITE:
“KNOWLEDGE IS POWER”
YELLOW, ON GREEN BACKGROUND:
“TRUTH IS BEAUTY”
ALSO SOME TRAVEL POSTERS IN BROWN AND TAN OF SWISS ALPS, SLIGHTLY TORN BUT STILL USABLE.
JJ McH
* * *
TO: ALL TEACHERS
LATENT MALADJUSTMENTS MAY EXHIBIT THEMSELVES IN SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR IN THE CLASSROOM. THIS IS A CRUCIAL PERIOD IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE ADOLESCENT IN THE SCHOOL ATMOSPHERE WHICH CONSUMES A LARGE SEGMENT OF HIS TIME. IN ORDER TO PROVIDE PROPER ORIENTATION TO ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES IN A DEMOCRACY, PLEASE SEND ALL NEW PUPILS TO ME ON ALTERNATE TUESDAYS FOR DEPTH-COVERAGE ON PERSONAL INTERVIEW SHEETS. THEY WILL BE EXCUSED FROM CLASSES ON THOSE DAYS. IN THE MEANTIME, TEACHERS ARE TO ACQUAINT THEMSELVES WITH THE PPP OF EACH STUDENT AND SEND THE DISRUPTIVE ELEMENTS TO MR. McHABE.
ELLA FRIEDENBERG
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
* * *
TO: ALL TEACHERS
THERE HAS BEEN AN EPIDEMIC OF THEFTS FROM LOCKERS AND WARDROBES. IMPRESS UPON YOUR STUDENTS THE NECESSITY OF KEEPING THEM LOCKED UP AT ALL TIMES, EXCEPT WHEN IN DIRECT USE.
JJ MCHABE
ADM. ASST.
* * *
FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.
TO: ALL TEACHERS
THE FIRST FACULTY CONFERENCE OF THE TERM IS SCHEDULED FOR MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, IN THE SCHOOL LIBRARY, PROMPTLY AT 3:05.
ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY. NO TEACHER IS TO BE EXCUSED FROM THE CONFERENCE EXCEPT ON WRITTEN REQUEST SIGNED BY THE CHAIRMAN OF THE DEPARTMENT AND COUNTERSIGNED BY THE PRINCIPAL OR ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT AT LEAST TWO DAYS PRIOR TO THE DATE SCHEDULED.
THE TOPIC FOR DISCUSSION WILL BE “EDUCATION AS GROWTH IN A DEMOCRACY.” BE PREPARED WITH SUGGESTIONS ON: SHOULD MARKS BE ENTERED ON THE RIGHT OR LEFT OF THE BLUE LINE ON THE PRC?
JJ McH
* * *
TO: ALL TEACHERS
STUDENTS DELINQUENT IN OBTAINING GYM SUITS ARE TO BE ALPHABETIZED AND SENT TO ME.
GIRLS WHO WISH TO BE EXCUSED FROM GYM ON “CERTAIN DAYS” ARE TO BE SENT TO ME WITH ALL THE PERTINENT DATA.
PLEASE DISCOURAGE EXCESSIVE DIETING IN YOUR HOMEROOM.
FRANCES EGAN
SCHOOL NURSE
* * *
CIRCULAR # 5B
TOPIC: TEACHERS’ WELFARE
PLEASE KEEP ALL CIRCULARS ON FILE, IN THEIR ORDER
TEACHERS SHALL BE REQUIRED TO REPORT TO PRINCIPALS AND PRINCIPALS SHALL BE REQUIRED TO REPORT TO THE ASSOCIATE SUPERINTENDENT FOR PERSONNEL AND TO THE LAW SECRETARY ALL CASES OF ASSAULT SUFFERED BY TEACHERS IN CONNECTION WITH THEIR EMPLOYMENT.
* * *
TO: ALL TEACHERS
CALVIN COOLIDGE IS WAGING AN ALL-OUT CAMPAIGN AGAINST LATENESS AND SMOKING IN LAVATORIES. SEND LEGITIMATE LATENESSES TO LATENESS COORDINATOR, ROOM 201. IF EXCUSE IS INVALID OR SUSPECT, SEND OFFENDERS TO ME, ROOM 211. PLEASE READ TO YOUR STUDENTS THE ENCLOSED LIST OF INFRACTIONS AND PENALTIES TO INSTILL IN THEM A SENSE OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY AND PUNCTUALITY.
POST IN PROMINENT PLACE IN HOMEROOM:
A STUDENT WHO IS LATE
MAY FAIL TO GRAD-U-ATE
JAMES J. MCHABE
ADM. ASST.
* * *
TO: ALL TEACHERS
STUDENTS ARE NOT TO BE SENT TO THE SCHOOL LIBRARY FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER WHILE TEACHERS ARE USING IT FOR THEIR RECORDS.
NO BOOKS ARE TO BE REMOVED FROM LIBRARY SHELVES BY STUDENTS OR TEACHERS UNTIL CARD CATALOGUE IS BROUGHT UP TO DATE.
CHARLOTTE WOLF
LIBRARIAN
* * *
TO: ALL ENGLISH TEACHERS
PLEASE SEND TO THE BOOK ROOM FOR THE FOLLOWING BOOKS SELECTED FOR YOUR CLASSES BY THE COMMITTEE ON CURRICULUM INTEGRATION:
ENGLISH 3– ESSAYS OLD AND NEW
or
MYTHS AND THEIR MEANING
ENGLISH 5– THE MILL ON THE FLOSS
or
A TALE OF TWO CITIES
DO NOT ALLOW STUDENTS TO PURCHASE PAPERBACK EDITIONS OF SHAKESPEARE AND OTHER AUTHORS: BECAUSE OF OUTSIDE PRESSURES, WE SHOULD NOT EXPOSE THEM TO INSUFFICIENTLY EDITED OR UNEXPURGATED TEXTS.
Samuel Bester
Chairman, Language Arts Dept.
* * *
FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.
TO: ALL TEACHERS
RE: DISTRIBUTION OF BOOKS
BOOKS ARE THE MAGIC DOORS TO ADVENTURE AND KNOWLEDGE; THEY SHOULD BE TREASURED. KEEP ON FILE A BOOK RECEIPT FOR EVERY BOOK DISTRIBUTED. ALL BOOKS SHOULD BE COVERED AND STUDENTS SHOULD BE WARNED NOT TO DEFACE OR MUTILATE BOOKS. SIGN THE BOOK LABEL, INDICATING THAT YOU AGREE THAT THE LABEL HAS BEEN PROPERLY FILLED OUT, AND MAKE SURE THAT EACH BOOK HAS A NUMBER WHICH APPEARS ON THE INSIDE FRONT COVER AND AGAIN ON PAGE 43, IF THE BOOK HAS THAT MANY PAGES.
DISREGARD THE NUMBER ON THE FLY-LEAF.
LOVE OF READING LASTS A LIFETIME.
JJ McH
* * *
DEAR COLLEAGUE:
LOOKING FORWARD TO A NEW SCHOOL YEAR? EEZYTERM CONFIDENTIAL LOAN COMPANY, WHICH I REPRESENT, CAN SOLVE YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS: BROCHURE ENCLOSED.
* * *
Dear Miss Barette,
I need a dropout slip to work because I’m of age and my income is needed at home. Most of school is a waste anyhow, every period another subject Algebra French Eco English one after the other what good is it, it’s all a Jumble and in each class the teacher tells you something different until you don’t know who to believe.
I’m better off out.
Your pupil
Vince Arbuzzi
(I wasn’t in Home Room due to the office unable to find my records this morning)
* * *
FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.
TO: ALL TEACHERS
SINCE WE HAVE A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF DROPOUTS, PLEASE MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO ENCOURAGE YOUR STUDENTS TO REMAIN IN SCHOOL BY POINTING OUT THE VALUES OF EDUCATION.
JJ McH
* * *
CIRCULAR # 4
TOPIC: ETHICAL STANDARDS
PLEASE KEEP ALL CIRCULARS ON FILE, IN THEIR ORDER
TO PROTECT OUR STUDENTS FROM THE TEMPTATION OF FRAUDULENT PRACTICES AND TO ASSURE TEACHERS OF THE AUTHENTICITY OF ALL DATA, THE FOLLOWING PRECAUTIONS MUST BE TAKEN:
1. SUBJECT TEACHERS ARE TO SIGN STUDENT
PROGRAM CARDS IN INK, WITH THEIR FULL NAME, AS PROOF THAT STUDENT HAS APPEARED IN CLASS. NO INITIALS, PENCIL OR NAME-STAMPERS ARE ACCEPTABLE.
