by Solet, Trina
"Oh, come on. Get more. We'll clear the living room and set them up. It will be hours of fun."
Though Mark might have understood his plan, Al didn’t.
"What does Dad want?" Al asked Mark like he was his translator.
"Am I spoiling your fun?" Zack asked seeing that he was being treated like an intruder.
"No. You can play too," Al offered generously. "You can sit there." Al pointed to a spot on the carpet next to him.
"What a nice boy," Zack said as he sat down, and Al smiled at the compliment.
As Al turned back to the dominoes, Zack touched his head and gazed at him. Al squirmed a little shyly then pushed at him to get him to stop embarrassing him in front of Mark. Of course Mark had that sweet look he reserved for when Zack was affectionate with Al.
After they had arranged the dominoes, Al got the honor of setting them in motion so they would all be knocked down. To Al’s delight, most of it fell over, but after a turn, one section stayed up. Al looked at Mark, who nodded his permission. Al went over and made the uncooperative bunch of dominoes fall over too. After they gathered up the dominoes in a pile again, Mark suggested they make a spiral. Just as they were starting on it, Al noticed that PJ wasn't there to watch the construction and went off searching for her.
As they waited for Al to come back, Zack felt the closeness between him and Mark that had only grown since they went on vacation. But he didn’t dare look at him.
"My dad used to play with me just like this," Mark said. He confessed it almost like it was wrong to try to recapture the good feelings from his childhood with Al. Then he changed the subject. "I thought we might build a house of cards too. I bought some extra playing cards."
"I’d like to see that," Zack said doubting Al’s patience for such delicate work. Then he addressed what Mark had told him. "I'm sure there are a lot of good things you remember about your parents," Zack said.
"But now all the memories of them have this grimy film on them. It's like the future went and screwed up the past," Mark said.
"Does it help to play with Al like you used to when you were a kid?"
"Kind of. But mainly I was desperate to give Al something to do since you don't want him playing video games," Mark said.
"You are just dying to sit him in front of a nice first person shooter, have him mow down some zombies," Zack accused him.
"You would never hear a peep out of him ever again," Mark said, seriously tempting Zack. But Zack was sure Mark didn’t want to turn Al’s brain into mush any more than he did.
That evening after dinner, Mark was on the computer, and Zack was hiding from him in his office. Even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid Mark forever, he had not prepared himself for dealing with the consequences of what happened between them. To give him credit, Mark was giving him a breather, but Zack knew it wouldn’t last. They would have to deal with what they started at the beach house soon. And there was no doubt in his mind that something had started there.
Zack busied himself with getting Al to bed. But Zack only half listened to Al arguing with the cat as he thought about Mark. He wondered if Mark noticed that he avoided touching him since they came back. Maybe that was not right either. What was wrong with a casual touch? But if he needed to touch him so badly, then the touch wasn't casual. He had to keep his hands off. But it wasn’t just up to him. Once Mark made his move, Zack didn’t know how he could manage to resist him. But he had to. Mark was too young to commit to a family. And as long as he ended things now, Al wouldn’t be hurt, only Zack.
With Al's voice in his ear, Zack told himself all the right things. As he saw Mark, all that would go out of his head, and he would want to do all the wrong things. Zack was reminded of that as he stood in the kitchen and remembered their reckless kiss. Turning to find Mark standing by the fridge, watching him, Zack felt flustered, like he had been caught doing something. As long as Mark was in the same room with him, he couldn't hope to recover his composure. He tried to leave. Mark put out his arm to stop him. He didn’t touch him or block his way, just drew his attention, like hailing a cab. Zack stopped.
"Are you putting on a cold and uncaring act? I can't quite tell because you are so bad at it," Mark asked him.
"I'm trying to maintain some distance." Zack hadn’t realized that’s how it came across. He had tried his best to act normal.
"Well stop being weird about it," Mark told him so obviously Zack had failed.
"I thought since you hadn’t made a move that you understood." That was a lie, but he hoped to talk Mark out of making a move now.
"You mean you thought I gave you up? No. I was just demonstrating a little restraint. I know I kind of jumped you at the beach house. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t have any self-control," he explained then added, "You’re not off the hook."
This was exactly what Zack was afraid of. If Mark was against him, he didn’t stand a chance. Zack had blundering into a sexual relationship that threatened to engulf him. He tried to swallowed his emotions, but they were still there barely held in check, just waiting to overwhelm him. Without Mark helping him to hold them back, it was hopeless. Zack sighed in frustration. He didn’t know how to make Mark understand.
"So I make you uncomfortable now? Should I be looking for another job?" Mark asked, shocking Zack.
"God, no." Zack was horrified at the thought, but Mark just kept pushing along the same lines.
"Another place to live?"
"No! We just need to back away from any physical involvement," Zack said desperately. The thought that Mark might leave scared him to death.
"So we should just torment each other emotionally? Or are you going to say that things between us were purely physical?" Mark challenged him, and Zack couldn’t lie about it.
"No. We just need to use better judgment."
"What better judgment? As far as I can see you're just making us miserable for no reason," Mark pointed out.
"It's not for no reason. I have Al to think of," Zack reminded him.
"I am not bad for Al," Mark asserted, looking a little hurt.
"I didn't say that," Zack protested.
"I just don't fit into your family."
"I never said that either." That was the furthest thing from the truth. Mark fit perfectly. Again Zack tried to explain himself though Mark seemed determined to misunderstand him. "I never meant to hurt you but..."
"Don't throw me away then," Mark said in a matter of fact way.
"Come on, that's not fair," Zack told him. With Mark's history with his parents, that was a low blow. "Just help me keep things under control," Zack pleaded with him.
Mark looked angry for a moment, but then got a determined look.
"Under control? OK," he said a little enigmatically.
As Mark walked away, Zack wasn’t sure what he meant. He had either agreed to what Zack wanted or to some plan of his own.
Earlier that day, after classes, Mark had visited Sari at her apartment, which she shared with three other girls. He brought her an offering of greasy finger-foods so she hugged him twice.
"So how was the family vacation?" she asked him.
Mark smiled not sure how he would answer her, but his look told her plenty.
"Not so wholesome judging from your face. So who did you diddle? The baby daddy or some surfer dude maybe?" She wiggled her eyebrows.
"Zack. But now I find myself in a ‘What happened at the beach house stays at the beach house’ situation," Mark admitted.
Sari shrugged as she chewed.
"Isn’t it just as well? You don’t want to get all tied down to some guy with a kid," Sari said then she saw the look on Mark’s face.
"Oh my God! You do!" she realized. "Are you crazy?"
"I know what I want," Mark said defensively.
"Do you really? Have you actually thought this through? Playing house is bound to get old pretty fast. Live a little before you settle down to a life of domestic drudgery."
Mark g
lared at her. He didn’t enjoy having yet one more person telling him that what he wanted wasn’t right for him. Of course, Sari was projecting her own preferences on him. If a guy she liked had a kid, she would run. Most people their age would.
Mark was determined to convince Zack to take him seriously despite his age. At times, at low moments, Mark felt his confidence wane and wondered why he had been so sure of himself and Zack. He would look around him at this strange, old fashioned house full of other people’s memories and doubt himself. But the place also anchored him. Here he felt accepted. He felt like he belonged.
He felt most confident when Zack was there. Even his half hearted rejection seemed to confirm the strength of their bond. Mark was more alive when he was with Zack, even when he was arguing with him, he felt sure and strong. Everything about Zack told him that he would never let him down.
But Zack had already gone to bed, and Mark stood in a dark, empty hallway. Zack was behind the door to his bedroom, so close. Mark put his hand on the doorknob. He knew it wasn’t locked, but he couldn’t make himself open it. He had done it that first time, gone in without so much as a knock. But now it seemed wrong. He just stood there. His decision was made, but he couldn’t walk away yet. Knowing he wouldn’t be with Zack again tonight, he waited for the pain in his chest to subside. Then he heard his name. He heard it faintly so maybe it was just wishful thinking.
"Mark?"
Mark knocked.
"Come in."
Zack had heard Mark stop outside the door. He held his breath expecting him to walk in, but he didn’t until he called his name. Mark opened the door and stepped in looking sullen. After closing it, he stayed by the door almost like he was expecting to be told off.
"For god’s sake," Zack said a little exasperated.
"I’m sorry," Mark said confirming what Zack thought.
"No. You can come in. It’s OK. It’s always OK."
Mark walked over to Zack’s bed and stood over him. Zack noticed that he looked more like himself now.
"You’re sending me mixed messages," Mark said. He showed no hesitation now. The look on his face said that he was trying to understand Zack and what he really wanted.
Zack moved a little so Mark could sit on the bed. He sat and waited for Zack to explain himself.
"I don’t want you to ever think that I’m not here for you," Zack told him.
"As a friend?" Mark asked.
Zack shook his head.
"In every way," Zack admitted.
"And you wonder why I’m confused."
"I don’t wonder. I need time."
"Do you want me to stay away from you?"
Zack could tell that Mark was afraid he would say yes. Before Mark even finished asking the question, Zack shook his head again.
"No. I don’t want distance. I don’t want ..." Zack gestured toward the door to refer to how Mark had stopped outside afraid that he wasn’t welcome. Zack tried to say more, but he couldn’t explain. He looked at Mark for help.
"I’ll find a middle ground," Mark said, almost vowed.
"I know it’s not fair..."
"Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure it out." Mark sounded so confident and irresistible, nothing like the downcast guy who had walked in, not sure if he was wanted.
Zack beamed at him then pulled him into a hug. "You’re wonderful," he said as he tangled his hands through Mark’s hair and kissed him.
"You didn’t lock the door," Zack realized and jumped out of bed to lock it himself. As he turned back to the bed, he told Mark, "You need to have more confidence. Like I would let you leave this room without getting some."
Mark gave him a "shut up" look. He was already stripping off his clothes. Zack watched as his hard-on came into view, still trapped inside his boxers. Mark saw his eyes glued to his cock. As Mark spread his legs to make room for him, Zack kneeled. He rubbed his face against the boxers, smelling Mark and feeling the column of hard flesh he was dying for. Pulling off Mark’s boxers, Zack now buried his face in Mark’s lap with nothing between him and what he wanted. His tongue played with every inch of Mark’s cock making him pant. With a moan, Zack let the cock slide into his mouth. He didn’t know how he had ever lived without this. As he let Mark’s balls rest in his hand, Zack sucked gently so Mark wouldn’t come too soon. He enjoyed just those sensations for a while, but then his own cock needed to be freed and handled. Knowing that it belonged to Mark now, he stood up. He let Mark pull the drawstring and pull down his pajama bottoms and take what was his. He felt Mark’s strong hands on his ass guiding his whole body to bring the stiff cock to his mouth.
After giving Zack’s cock some much needed attention, Mark got him to go on all fours on the bed. Zack lowered his head to the mattress and moaned as Mark looked for condoms and lube. Before Mark even touched him, he was breathing hard and clutching the sheets like he needed to anchor himself against his own uncontrollable desires. When Mark’s fingers pressed into him, he felt like he would jump out of his skin. If he had let himself go, he would have come. But he fought for control, and he most definitely did not touch himself.
Mark’s weight on the mattress, his shifting into position made Zack moan again in anticipation. Accepting the invitation of that moan, Mark placed one hand on his ass and used the other one to guide himself in. As Mark pushed in, Zack’s body screamed with pleasure while Zack grit his teeth on the sounds he had to hold back. He breathed hard as Mark rested inside him while running his hands up and down his back.
"I missed you so much," Mark said, and Zack reached back with both hands to caress him.
Mark hadn’t meant to say that. But being inside Zack again was so amazing, he couldn’t stop himself. Now Zack’s hands squeezed Mark’s thighs more and more urgently. He knew Zack wanted to be fucked. As he pulled back then shoved in again, Mark watched Zack’s body respond to every inch. Since Zack had fucked him, Mark felt different as he moved inside him. He felt a feedback of Zack's pleasure, like he could feel what Zack felt. For the first time, his joy in fucking someone was complete. He now knew how good it felt to be fucked. He knew that fucking Zack was a something he was doing for both of them.
The pounding of his heart and the pounding of his body against Zack were deafening in Mark’s ears. Zack pushed back to meet Mark’s thrusts as they increased in speed and power. Zack was frenzied as he drove his body into Mark’s. Slippery with sweat, Zack was hard to hold onto, but they fit too perfectly, moved like one and came with low grunts that took the place of all the noise they wanted to make but couldn’t. Now only the crazy pounding of Mark’s heart remained. He slumped over Zack’s back, moaning with relief and regret that it was over. Zack dropped flat on the bed. Free of the grip of Zack's body Mark fell next to him. They each put one arm around the other, too exhausted to do more. Mark felt heavy and satisfied. He had felt Zack's insatiable hunger for him. It was almost frightening. Mark laughed. He loved that Zack went crazy over him. Even if it wasn't true, he wanted to think that Zack couldn't resist him.
Mark didn’t know that he fell asleep until he woke up. Next to him, Zack stretched and yawned with abandon as Mark enjoyed the show. Mark could just live off the sight of Zack's naked body, never eat or sleep just drink him in with his eyes. Mark leaned down to kiss the slight dip in the center of his rib cage.
Chapter 30
Zack never marked the occasion, but he was always aware of it. It was the anniversary of the day Kelly died. This was the day when his failure to help Kelly weighed on him the most. Though Zack didn’t do anything different, Mark noticed his mood. He distracted Al in the evening as Zack wallowed in memories. After Al was in bed, Mark came over to him. Before he even asked, Zack told him about the significance of that day.
***
Kelly refused to be taken to the hospital. The dark circles under her eyes deepened, and the pallor of her skin intensified. Then she was in bed, not moving except for her eyes. They always searched for Al. Whenever she was awake, Zack would hold him
where she could see him.
"Don’t worry. You’re doing good," she whispered to him. Then even though it was difficult for her to speak, she added, "Don’t let it go to your head. You’re still a dork."
It took her a while to get her breath back after saying that, but from her expression, Zack could tell it was worth it.
But she couldn’t keep herself going. Her eyes grew empty well before she stopped breathing. She stayed like that for hours. It was like some vital part of her expired before her body gave out, and those last few breaths were for nothing.
Al crying was the last thing she heard before she was gone. Zack hoped that hearing him cry didn't worry her. But she probably knew it was Al sensing the terrible thing that was happening, the loss of his mother. His little heart knew that something was going wrong in his young life that could never be set right.
Zack kept holding her hand as Al’s crying grew louder in his awareness. He didn’t remember going to him, only standing with him already in his arms. Holding him, Zack could feel a new strength inside himself despite the terrible grief that threatened to knock him to the ground. Al was warmth and life and the first one who held Zack. Together they consoled each other as they cried.
***
"I never tell Al what this day means," Zack told Mark as they sat together on the couch. "I don’t want him to dwell on her death. I don’t want to set aside even one day of his life for sadness. But it doesn’t seem right. I guess when he’s older, I’ll let him know. It’s funny. I want to ask Kelly what I should say to him about today. That doesn’t make any sense does it?" Zack looked at Mark. He was holding Zack’s hand.
"You don’t need anyone to tell you what you should do. When Al is old enough, you’ll know, and you’ll know what to tell him."
"I guess one of us has confidence in my parenting skills," Zack said.
"You don't think you can really substitute for her, do you?" Mark asked seeing how unsure Zack was.
