by Matt Rogers
Chapter 13: Making Good Neighbors
The First Journey (Breathtaking Forest)
The inside of the cave was dark, cool and clammy.
“Hey, this isn’t so bad!”
“Uh-huh, uh-huh, I was thinking the exact same thing!”
The Midglings were standing in the middle of the cavern, looking around with eyes adjusting to the lesser light.
“You know what?”
“What?”
“If we live through this we should return and make this our home. We could put a table and a few chairs in the corner and maybe a rug on the floor.”
“Uh-huh, uh-huh, I see where you’re going and I’m liking the idea.”
As the two were talking of remodeling techniques they somewhat forgot the reason for their visit.
“You know what would go perfect in here?”
“What?”
“A fordinner.”
“A fordinner?”
“Uh-huh.”
“What’s a fordinner?”
“I don’t know? What’s a you cooking?”
As the Midglings laughed at absurd humor they were interrupted.
“Excuse me.”
“Yaagh!” they screamed before fainting.
They awoke to nudging; cold, wet, pug-nosed insistence.
“Come on, wake up already!”
They opened their eyes and remembered the reason they were in the cave. They regained their senses, climbed to their feet and proceeded with introductions.
“Hi, I’m Stu and this is my friend, Wort. We were sent here to find a solution to your dilemma with the Elfin.”
The three Piglets facing them were about eighty pounds of pink, obese pork products who were looking on with rapt amazement as creatures on two feet spoke to them.
“How can you talk our language?” one asked.
“Well, we’re on a mission for Mother Nature and she gave us these amulets which apparently allow us to communicate with you.”
The Piglets were amazed. In all the time they’d been trying to speak with those who walked upright they were rebuffed in their efforts. After a short period of time further introductions were given.
“My name is Squeal and these are my brothers, Screech and Grunt.”
Nods were given instead of handshakes because the Piglets preferred to keep all four hoofs on the ground in case rapid escape became an issue.
“The Elfin sent you here?” Squeal asked.
“Uh-huh” Stu said.
The Piglet eyed him a bit closer. In fact, the three Piglets eyed the two Midglings with much closer scrutiny.
“Um… what’s the problem?”
“We’re trying to see where the explosives are.”
Both Midglings laughed until it became apparent the Piglets were not joking.
“Oh, hey, wait a minute. We didn’t bring any explosives with us. We’re here to talk and see if we can come to a reasonable solution so you and the Elfin can coexist as friends” Stu said with hands raised to show the universal sign of not carrying blasting material.
“Us and the Elfin coexist as friends?” Grunt asked with a snort.
“Uh-huh. The Elfin asked us to see if we’d speak to you about… um…”
“About what?”
“Okay, don’t take this wrong, but they seem to think you steal their food.”
The Piglets snorted. It was a little weird to Stu and Wort because they didn’t know what snorting meant.
“Um, we don’t know what that meant?”
“It means they’ve got no right to be calling us thieves. Shoot, they’ve got no right to call us anything after all they’ve done” Squeal answered indignantly.
Stu wasn’t positive but felt he knew what the Piglet referred to.
“Do you mean the blowing-up-your-house thing?”
“Of course I mean the blowing-up-our-house thing! It’s a pretty important issue in the whole grand scheme of things!”
Stu could readily agree. House explosion was a rather big deal in Midgling society and he was quickly surmising it was also important in the Piglet community.
“Okay, um, we’re here to help so maybe it would further our cause if you could explain how the problems between you and the Elfin started.”
It turned out the Piglets lived in the area first. They were foraging for food one day and when they returned home they found their house on fire and the Elfin on their land.
“They burnt your house down?”
“Well, I don’t think they meant to burn it down but it tends to happen when you explode straw.”
“Your house was made of straw?”
“Yes, we’re Piglets, we don’t really have the ability to use woodworking equipment so we did what we could and carried straw in our mouths to build us a nice and tidy home.”
Squeal went on to explain the Elfin were not exactly the best of neighbors.
“They just stole your land?”
“Uh-huh. Well, they called it annexation for the betterment of society but so far as we can tell the only society benefitting is the Elfin kind.”
It turned out the Piglets tried to seek a compromise but the Elfin were not in the mood to listen.
“Why don’t you bring it up with Mother Nature?” Wort asked.
“Are you insane? There’s people in her castle!”
“So?”
“So? The second people see us they begin drooling at the mouth and reaching for knives!”
The Midglings were coming to the conclusion Piglet life wasn’t all too different from their own. They both were rather limited in their fighting ability which caused them difficulties holding housing opportunities which led to cave dwelling. There was something bothering them, though.
“Um, I’m not sure how to say this without sounding kind of cruel but…” Stu began.
“Go ahead, spit it out” Squeal urged.
“Well, I understand why the Elfin can’t blow up this cave because the walls are so solid but why don’t they just come in here and chase you away?”
Both Midglings were curious because it was quite obvious the Piglets were not made of fighting material. They were about a foot and a half in height on all fours with tiny little hooves for feet. Their bellies extended toward the ground with only inches to spare and they had corkscrew tails which continually moved with flight-like preparation. There was absolutely nothing about them which indicated an aggressive nature. Their voices were lilty, their teeth made for chewing roots and their ears designed in aerodynamic fashion for running away at the first sign of trouble.
“They can’t come in here.”
“Why not?”
“Because of Berta.”
“Who’s Berta?”
“I’m Berta” growled the answer.
They were a little more difficult to wake the second time for Midglings were made for fainting. They were further made for prolonged unconsciousness if the reason for the act came from a creature capable of eating them in one bite. She appeared out of darkness, emerging from a tunnel difficult to see in the dim light. She was a big, burly, beautiful brown bear.
“Is this normal?” Stu heard the bear ask as he faked the last portion of his fainting spell.
“Um, yep, I think this is what these creatures do when they’re scared” he heard Squeal answer.
Stu chanced a peek and barely opened one eye to verify if what he thought was real. He closed it shut upon discovering that, yep, a big brown bear was indeed in the cave discussing his and Wort’s preferred escape mechanism.
“How long till they wake up?” he heard the bear, Berta, ask.
“I don’t know? Last time it was much shorter.”
He was prepared to fake-faint all day if necessary and knew Wort would be of the same mind.
“Well, if they don’t wake up in about thirty seconds I’m going to eat them.”
They were not, however, the kind of beings who were willing to call a bear’s bluff so were instantly on their feet
, quivering in their boots, facing an animal whose reputation for Midgling consumption was off the charts. Midgling society had moved underground into caverns where bears sometimes roamed. They were not the preferred prey of the furry beasts because it took three of them to satisfy a bear’s hunger and they were quite quick when their lives were on the line and fainting not an option. But bears were bears and Midglings were Midglings so when one met the other snack-time generally followed.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to eat you.”
“Oh thank God!”
“Praise the Lord!”
Introductions were given all around and soon the reason for Berta’s presence was revealed.
“They bring me food and I eat Elfin if they set foot in this cave.”
The Piglets had found a friend in the she-bear because she held another trait which the Midglings wished they encountered more often.
“I’m a Care-Bear.”
It turned out a certain segment of bear community were the kind which preferred resolution to warfare, peace over hostility and good-will among friends. They felt kindred toward the other half, the ones who were generally eaten, so they abstained from meat and thrived on fruits and grain. The Piglets had taken the opportunity to befriend her and went racing away every day to rustle up grub from the Elfin before the Wearwolf arrived and scared them back to the cave.
“Um, you do know it’s not a wolf, right?” Wort asked the quieter Piglet.
“Yep” Grunt replied.
“Then why do you run away?”
“Because we’re Piglets.”
The answer appeared to satisfy everyone’s curiosity except the Midgling’s but since they were socially conscious beings who disliked insulting others they let it go and Stu asked a somewhat different question.
“Um, okay, please don’t take this the wrong way but why don’t you just forage in the woods instead of taking the Elfin food?”
The four set of eyes, three Piglets and one Care-Bear, immediately went cold at the idea.
“What? What did I say?”
The explanation came from Berta.
“First, the Elfin have no right to the land they claim their own. They took it when the Piglets were away and used some weird Law of Nature to confiscate the turf. Second, they’re an amazingly annoying species who seem to spy on everything for some reason no one can explain. Third, they are the worst guests you have ever seen.”
The third explanation seemed to need more explanation.
“Huh?”
Berta then related her first meeting with the Elfin.
“We were sitting down to slurp some pourage…”
“Porridge? You eat oatmeal?” Wort asked.
“No, not porridge; pourage. You know, the stuff which trickles down from the roof of the cave after a good rainfall. Well, anyway, one time while me Teddy and Scout…”
Midglings were horrible story-telling recipients because they required constant clarification.
“I’m sorry to interrupt but who are Teddy and Scout?”
“Teddy was my mate, a real doll of a bear, and we had a baby cub, Scout.”
“Oh, uh, are they here too?”
Her eyes took on a melancholy expression as she explained they were not.
“Where’d they go?”
Her eyes again went said.
“Well, we’re not exactly the bond-for-life kind of species. Teddy got bored and Scout moved out the first chance he got.”
The Midglings felt sorry for the Care-Bear because it seemed she truly was hurt by their absence.
“Anyway, one time when the three of us were slurping our pourage an Elfin arrived at the entrance to the cave. We felt kind of sad for the little critter and invited him in to get out of the rain. After entering he asked with hand-gestures if a few friends could also come inside, we grunted yes, and the next thing you know we’re up to our necks with those burdensome creatures. They were running around, poking their heads in every nook and cranny and basically just making a real nuisance of themselves. Now, I was willing to ignore their ways because, well, some creatures were just born with improper manners but when the nitpicking came out I had enough.”
“Nitpicking?” Wort inquired.
“Yes, nitpicking. Those little nitpickers started making rude comments like ‘Your pourage is too cold’ or ‘Your bed is too hard’, stuff like that, so I told Teddy to ask them to leave.”
She ended her story but Midgling curiosity was aroused and they needed further information.
“You can speak to the Elfin?”
“No, but we can definitely make our case known.”
Wort wasn’t sure what that meant so she provided the answer by rushing forward which sent him backward and he then fully understood her point. After regaining his composure he queried further.
“And did they?”
“Did they what?”
“Did they leave?”
“Most of them.”
She again ended the story but again the Midglings were unsatisfied.
“Most of them?” Stu asked.
“Yes.”
“Some stayed even after you, uh, asked them to leave?”
“Well, yes and no. Some stayed but probably not in the manner you’re thinking. You see, Teddy felt they needed a little prodding to heed his advice.”
“Prodding?”
“Uh-huh, he ate a couple of them and before you knew it we had the place all to ourselves.”
After a couple of seconds standing with mouths open in revulsion the two adventurers from Mother Nature’s castle finally got around to problem solving. They decided on a plan which held promise and all left the cave to offer a compromise.
“Okay, the Piglets have agreed not to root through your gardens if you would set aside a little of your grain so they and Berta could have dinner every night.”
The Elfin did not seem to like the compromise.
“Why should we do that? What do we gain from it?” a particularly snide Elf replied.
Stu translated their response to the Piglets and Care-Bear.
“You gain our friendship” Berta responded and Stu again translated for the Elfins’ benefit.
“Friendship? What do we care about your…?”
Stu didn’t translate because the tone used was easily understood even if the words were not which caused the Care-Bear to break her vow of vegetarianism and swallow the one-foot nuisance in a single gulp. Everyone stood in shock as she smacked her lips and let out a little belch.
“Okay, friendship it is” answered Tweedlewink.
And the Breathtaking Forest once again became a place of peace as Elfin agriculturalism fed Piglet hunger to avoid Care-Bear ingestion. With the problem solved the Elfin followed through on their promise of transporting the Midglings through the treetops but ran into a slight hiccup.
“Man, you guys are heavy!”
“My goodness! How much do you eat?”
It took eight Elfin to carry the load of each portly adventurer and a blindfold employed to keep them from fainting. Limp Midglings were a burden no one wanted to carry. After six hours of treetop swinging and occasional Midgling vomiting they arrived at the edge of the forest.
“Thank you very much for the ride, Tweedlewink” Stu said.
“You’re welcome.”
“Well, if your ever in Mother Nature’s castle…” he began.
“I’ll look you up” the Elfin ended with a smile on his face.
Stu and Wort took a second to catch their breaths because treetop travel was unsettling to say the least. They glanced through the wood-line and viewed the vast expanse which was the Land of Lawlessness. Both were a little anxious to step out of the security provided by the Elfin.
“You two need to get going” Tweedlewink remarked and something in the way he said it caused Wort to worry.
“Why?”
“Because the Elfin grapevine just reported three men entering the forest and they seem to be paying particul
ar attention to the footprints you left behind.”
So the two Midglings left the Breathtaking Forest, continuing their quest to find Father Time and deliver Mother Nature’s message. They were a little disoriented from the ride, something they’d never before encountered and so it could be forgiven their slight oversight of one small detail, one minor little item which was overlooked; Wort’s amulet was no longer around his neck.
