by Harms,C. A.
“Well if you must know, I have to pee,” she replied with an annoyed tone and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
I watched as she slipped a t-shirt and shorts on just before slipping out of my room.
The bathroom was just down the hall.
When she returned she crawled back in bed still dressed, and I couldn’t hide the disappointment I felt no longer being able to feel her naked against me.
She was quiet, and she left distance between us, which I didn’t like.
“Is everything okay?” I asked as I reached out and placed my hand on her hip.
Silence met me once again.
“Lexi?” I added feeling a little sense of panic rush through me.
Then she spoke.
“Is it normal to walk around half naked in a house full of frat guys?” she asked, and my stomach tensed.
I knew at that point who she was talking about because I had seen Hope earlier and knew she was here.
Her new conquest was Kevin, who was a sophomore and willing to nail anything with tits.
Hope got under Lexi’s skin badly. She despised the girl but hid it well.
“She’s trying to get a rise out of you,” I said and she looked back over her shoulder.
“Well, it’s working.” The annoyance was evident in her voice. And the last thing I wanted was our last night before I left to end like this.
“You do know that you have nothing to worry about, don’t you?” I attempted to reassure her. “Not when it comes to Hope or any other girl.”
Lexi turned over to face me and tucked herself in closer against my body. Her face pressed into the crease of my neck, I felt her place a soft kiss at the base and it soothed my worry.
She may not have replied but her actions said enough.
She trusted me.
Chapter 26
Lexi
“I’m going to miss you,” Kole said as he hooked his arm around my waist and pulled my body closer to his.
“I’ll miss you too, but it is only a couple days.” Two very long and lonely days, but I didn’t say that out loud. I didn’t want him to feel worse for leaving. He deserved time with his family and I just wasn’t ready to go back and face that part of my life.
I was just starting to feel normal again, and I didn’t want to fall back into that place of darkness.
One day I knew I would be forced to deal with that part of me; I just knew I couldn’t right then.
“I guess I better get going,” he said, still stalling as he rocked me from side to side. I couldn’t help but laugh. “This shit ain’t funny,” he complained.
Which only made me laugh harder.
I felt so at ease with him.
After a few kisses and some pouting from him, he crawled into his car and drove away.
I hadn’t even made it up to my dorm room before the first text came through.
Kole: I miss you like crazy!
It felt great to know he was also that reliant on the connection we had. I secretly loved seeing him struggle with leaving me. It made this ache deep in my stomach easier to handle.
Because I knew I wasn’t alone.
Lexi: I miss you too.
I tucked my phone in my pocket and climbed the stairs to the fourth floor.
I crawled into my bed, flipped on the television, and for the next hour got lost in the current show playing on the Lifetime channel.
Lifetime was one of my weaknesses.
I woke to the sound of my phone ringing and sat up, realizing I had fallen asleep.
It was on the third ring when I grabbed it from my desk and without looking answered the incoming call.
“Hello,” I said in a rush.
“Hey baby, I wanted to call you and let you know I just made it home.” I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. Knowing he missed me warmed my heart.
We talked for a while until his mother came out of the house, forcing him to come inside because he had waited too long to get out of his car.
He let me go with promises of calling later after he got in and got settled.
When I ended the call and the quietness settled over me, I couldn’t help but feel that familiar sadness settling over me.
Maybe I should have told Kole that Megan decided to go home with Radley at the last minute. They both had tried to convince me to join them, but something about being the third wheel in their happy little love bubble made me nauseated.
So alone here in the dorm, while most students went home to spend the holiday with their families, was where I would be.
My mother was probably too drunk to even know what day of the week it was, and my father had gone long ago.
From what I remembered and the things my mother had said, he chose his secretary over his family and packed up one day, never looking back.
When it came to shit parents, I held the fucking crown, because mine were worthless.
When the quiet became too much to take, I decided to take Megan’s car and drive to the nearest food mart in search of comfort foods.
It looked like my thanksgiving would consist of deli meat and instant mashed potatoes. But what I was really looking forward to were my Toaster Strudels, because let’s face it, they were the bomb. I could survive on cinnamon Toaster Strudels alone, with a big glass of chocolate milk.
I drove past the bar I had visited on more than one occasion since arriving here months ago. It was also the place where I got smashed and Kole rescued me the night I left the carwash feeling alone and dark.
I passed it slowly, feeling that familiar loneliness I’d felt so many times before deep in my stomach. I didn’t have any form of distraction to go back to. Only an empty dorm room, with nothing but silence.
The idea of having just one drink had me turning around in the first available spot and driving back to the bar.
It wasn’t too busy with most students being gone for the holiday, so I honestly couldn’t see the hurt.
Without a second thought I got out of the car and walked toward the entrance of the bar.
The familiar scent of cigarette smoke and sweat engulfed me as I stepped inside, immediately scanning the bar.
As I thought, there were only a few people sitting at a table and one or two at the bar.
The door closed behind me creating a loud bang causing everyone to look over toward me. This idea was such a big mistake.
Loud music spilled from the jukebox. And it made me jump in surprise.
Just faintly I could hear my phone ringing from the bag I held tightly in my hands. I moved quickly without even thinking and answered the call almost desperately, grasping for some form of control.
“Hello,” I said in a rush.
“Lex, are you okay? You sound out of breath.” I instantly regretted not looking at the screen before answering the call.
“I’m okay,” I tried to reassure him but could hear the shakiness in my own voice.
“Where’s that music coming from?” he asked sounding skeptical.
“I…uh…” I stuttered. I’d thought of lying, but knew I couldn’t. Not to Kole. Not when he had been there for me when most guys would have run.
“Lex,” he whispered, sounding concerned.
“I stopped by Flanagan’s,” I confessed.
Saying it out loud made me realize just how stupid I was to even consider coming here.
“What—you and Megan bored already, without Radley and me around?” he asked, only making me feel more guilty that I hadn’t told him about Megan leaving.
“Just me,” I confessed.
His chuckling ended and a silence settled over us for a few short seconds before he spoke again.
“There something you ain’t telling me, Lex?” my stomach dropped as I turned around and walked back outside in search of my car.
The amount of tension that was boiling within my stomach made it almost hard to breathe.
Chapter 27
Kole
“Megan left with Radley,” she said in a whisper. “He
asked her to go home with him at the last minute and she felt bad about leaving me, but I insisted she go.”
I tried not to get pissed but it was hard.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked her, knowing if I said more I might later regret it.
“I’m not ready to face your family yet,” she confessed. “I knew if I told you she left you’d insist on me going with you. That, or you wouldn’t have gone home and I didn’t want to be responsible for you not seeing your family during the holiday.”
“Lex, you should have said something,” I said more angrily than I had intended. “So instead of spending time with me and my family, you decided sitting in a bar with strange men was the way to go.”
“No,” I said.
“With the way you’ve coped in the past…” I said only to be immediately interrupted.
“What you think—I’m just gonna go off and find some guy to fill the void?” she said, sounding irritated. “Like I’m just going to take what we have and throw it away? Not even a second thought about it.”
“Damn it, Lex, you can’t get mad at me for this. You fucking lied. And then to top it off you wait until we’re all out of town before you run off to some fucking bar.” I had tried to refrain from getting angry. I wanted to be the guy that was there for her, understanding and accepting. But the fact that she intentionally lied and then went in search of her old habits to fill the emptiness she now felt was too much.
“I’ll let you enjoy your evening without me and my issues with it fucking it all up for you.” I hung up without another word. I was too pissed to talk and being this far away, unable to go to that bar and drag her ass out of it, only made it that much worse.
***
I ignored the incoming calls from Lexi.
It may have been childish, but at the moment I felt it necessary. I needed to cool off before we talked again.
I sat around that night, watching television with my dad, pretending everything was okay.
But my mother was entirely too smart for my games. She could see right through me and when my grandparents and other family left for the evening she cornered me in the hall.
“You gonna tell me about it? Or do you plan to sulk the rest of the time?” She crossed her arms over her chest and gave me a questioning glare.
“I’m good, Mom, really.” I tried to assure her with a smile, but again my mother was a smart woman.
“Yeah, somehow I knew you’d say that. So…you can cut the crap and tell me the truth, or I’ll just follow you around all night until you confess you’re full of shit.”
That earned a chuckle.
My mother was bold. She was a tiny little woman, so innocent and pure looking but she packed a punch. She gave me and my father the kick we needed whenever we let the Hartman stubbornness take over.
“Me and Lex sorta had an argument. I may have acted like an ass, but she’s not all innocent either.” I knew if I didn’t throw in that last part she would have started lecturing me about the wrongs and rights of a relationship.
I’d told my mother all about reconnecting with Lexi weeks ago. To say she was happy would be an understatement.
She too had wished Lexi would have chosen to come along.
“I need a little more than just that to go on.” She uncrossed her arms and leaned back against the wall opposite me.
“She told me her friend Megan was staying back at the dorms too, and they would be spending the holiday together,” I began. “But then at the last minute, Megan left and went home with Radley and now Lexi’s back at UNC alone.”
I couldn’t bring up the bar and why it pissed me off so much that it was the first place she ran to. I wasn’t ready for my parents to know that shit, then or ever.
My mother lectured me about my inability to understand women. Fuck, she wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. I was damn confused when it came to the right and wrongs of relationships.
Thirty minutes with my mother had me regretting everything I said to Lexi earlier that night.
Chapter 28
Lexi
“Hey,” I said holding the phone to my ear, still staring at the wall.
I had been in that position all night long.
Weighing out my wrongs and rights during the last few days.
He had called three times before I finally answered when I realized he wasn’t going to stop.
“I’m sorry,” he sounded tired. “I was an ass.”
“Yeah you were, but I shouldn’t have lied to you. We were both wrong.”
“I’m on my way back.” It was just after 6:00 in the morning. “I need to see you. I feel like such an ass for the things I said and I just need to hold you.”
I’d spent the last few hours trying to figure out this hole that was still inside me. Over the last month, Kole was a great distraction, but that hole still remained.
There was a darkness in me that no matter how hard I tried to fight it, it always came back. I couldn’t be alone.
I relied on the distraction of others to fight away the demons still hidden within me.
I couldn’t live like that.
It was just too hard.
“We need to talk,” I confessed.
There were things I needed to say. Things that wouldn’t be easy. But after hours of going over every scenario in my head, I felt this option was the best.
For the both of us.
“Yeah, we do,” he said hesitantly.
I could tell he was leery.
“I’ll just come to the dorm,” he added. “I should be there in about an hour.”
“Okay,” I agreed. I wasn’t sure it was the best option, but having this conversation over the phone wouldn’t work either.
Seeing him, though, would only make what I had to say so much harder.
***
My stomach had been tense since the moment we hung up the phone. I didn’t think it could get much worse but the moment he knocked on my door, I knew I was wrong.
With each second that passed his knocking grew more impatient.
I hurried toward the door and opened it just as he was about to knock again.
“Sorry; I was still in bed,” I confessed, making it sound as if I had fallen back to sleep.
He instantly stepped into the room and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. That strong sexy masculine scent of him, filling me and making it hard to concentrate on anything other than him.
Kole did make me feel safe. He did make me feel better. But I couldn’t live in that little bubble.
There would be times just like yesterday when I would be faced to handle things on my own. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispered, and it only made my chest tighten. “I never meant to make it sound like you would run off with some guy from the bar.”
I pushed back reluctantly, because all I really wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and forget about everything. I just knew I couldn’t.
Ignoring the ugliness inside me would never allow it to heal.
“What’s wrong?” Kole asked, and by the worried expression on his face it almost made me forget about the things I needed to share.
“We need to talk,” I said looking away from his eyes and focusing on his jaw instead. “I think I need some time to focus on me,” I said, feeling as if the words were acid, making my throat burn.
“What are you talking about?” he said, slouching just enough to bring his eyes level with mine. He gave me no option other than to look at him when I explained further.
“I realized something over the last couple days,” I said softly. “I still have so many things I need to work on, so many things that are gonna keep getting in the way of me moving forward.”
He narrowed his eyes, giving me a confused look. “Just say what it is you want to say, Lexi.” I could see he was growing irritated, but doing everything he could to hold it back. “Because from the sounds of it, you’ve alre
ady made up your mind.”
“I really care about you Kole, I just think that in order for me to give this relationship between us a fair shot, I need to let go of my past fully.” I didn’t want this to turn into an argument. “Because until I do, it will always be there lingering between us.”
I truly hoped that he would understand, but from the defensive stance he was taking I could see this was going in an entirely different direction.
“So we hit one snag and you’re ready to call it quits?” he asked as he stepped back and ran his hand through his hair roughly. “Did something happen last night? Is that why you’re ending things?”
“What?” I said in surprise. “God, no.” I tried not to let his words get to me; I knew he was frustrated.
“I came over here to apologize for being an asshole, and this whole time you knew that you were going to end this.” He looked irritated and hurt. It was the last thing I wanted.
“I don’t want to end things,” I said. “I just need a break.”
He sneered, an angry, agitated look that honestly made my stomach ache. I could already feel him retreating and I knew it was too late to try and make this any clearer. Kole had already formed his opinions.
“A break is just a polite way to say things are over.” He turned toward the door and I instantly reached out for him in attempt to stop him. Only he kept walking, yanking open the door without looking back.
Chapter 29
Kole
I couldn’t see straight. My irritation had clouded my judgement. A time when I needed to remain calm, I couldn’t see past the fact that she just let go of us so easily.
I guess I thought what we had was just worth more.
It was taking everything I had not to turn around and go back to her, to hold her and tell her that I wouldn’t let go, no matter how hard she pushed me away.
But my ego wouldn’t let me.
Instead I ended up back at the fraternity and when the guys started handing me drink after drink, I just continued to down them as fast as they were coming. It was easier to drown out the ache in my chest then to actually accept that we were finished.
