by Harms,C. A.
“Shh, baby, don’t cry.” I soothed her. “I didn’t invite her in, she found her way there on her own. When I went in to go to bed, she was there in the same state that you saw her in. I never slept with her and I had no intention to.”
“I believe you; I do,” she confessed. I held her to me tightly for as long as she allowed.
“I’d never hurt you that way, Lex. I care about you so much and these last few weeks have been hell without you.” I just wanted us to get back to where we once were.
Chapter 34
Lexi
Kole and I talked for over an hour.
Seeing him smile and laugh made my heart race.
Then when that smile on his face turned to more of a frown when I told him I still needed time to heal, it was almost impossible to take.
I had to focus on me.
I needed to heal.
I wanted to work on my insecurities and fears. I wanted to be a better me.
Kole reluctantly agreed to give me the time I needed. I could tell he wanted to argue and do his best to convince me otherwise.
Kole wasn’t one to give up easily.
I continued going to group therapy and decided to start speaking one on one with a counselor. I knew I would no longer be able to hide behind the others in the group. I would have to talk about me.
***
“Good afternoon, Lexi. Please have a seat,” the women was middle-age with blonde hair and glasses. She was tall and slim and seemed friendly enough. “So how are you feeling today?”
Nervous. Like I want to grab my bag and sneak back out of this room pretending that I never agreed to this. “I’m fine, thanks.”
I could tell she picked up on my nervous energy. After all, it’s her job and she was watching me like I was about to sprout wings and fly around the room.
“Okay, so I’m really nervous,” I finally admitted, biting my inner cheek.
“Call me Gail, and it’s okay to be nervous or scared. It’s completely normal to want to scream or cry or even run. You came here because you feel that you’re ready to talk about what happened and that in itself is a huge accomplishment. So we’re just going to talk. We’ll talk about everything and anything you want. You can start wherever you would like. I’m here to listen and anything you say in this room is completely confidential and will always be kept that way.”
I let out a deep breath. I can do this.
“Thank you. I don’t know where to start; I guess maybe when I was twelve. My dad left. He ran off with his secretary and three months later my mother got divorce papers in the mail. So it had been just her and me since then, but, uh…I haven’t talked to her in months.”
Gail mainly listened with the occasional question about something I said that she wanted me to explain a little further. I sat in her office for almost an hour and it went by so quickly. We talked about my father and how I felt abandoned, like he didn’t love me. When my hour was up I could have kept talking. For once I wanted to. I had a sense of security with her. I really liked it.
Over the next week and a half I met with Gail on Mondays and Fridays. I shared so many things with her. I could talk freely and she listened; it was almost like talking to Megan. We had discussed the party and Matt vaguely, but I knew today was the day that I would have to go further. I had reached that point.
I cried so hard as the details of that day poured out of me.
“He pretended to like me. He spent an entire month being sweet and saying all the right things. I was so stupid to believe him. If I just would have opened my eyes I would have seen that I wasn’t the only girl he flirted with. I just liked the attention from Mr. All-Star. The way the other girls looked at me when he would put his arm around me or hold my hand. He made me feel important.” I took a deep breath as I grabbed a tissue.
“Why I went to that cabin with him alone that night…I still can’t answer. I had no intentions of having sex with him. I was a virgin and the thought of it was scary. I guess I thought maybe we could kiss and if I felt like it was going too far we could just go back to the party. But when he locked the door and looked at me, I instantly regretted it. It was like he changed. He wasn’t the sweet guy who had been flirting with me. He became evil, hateful and aggressive. When he kissed me the first time, I tried to pull away, but he just pulled me to him tighter. I told him to stop.”
I could picture Matt’s face as I told Gail about that night. I got chills as I continued.
“He smiled, but it was such a sadistic smile. When he grabbed me I started to scream, but he covered my mouth and pushed me onto the bed.” Reliving everything from that night emotionally drained me.
Gail spent a little extra time with me and we talked about how to move forward and how to let go. I left feeling exhausted and I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep everything away.
Kole and I talked a few times through the week on the phone. But with my emotional sessions and the fact that I was overcome with exhaustion, it was too much; I always felt too raw. I felt that seeing him right now would be too overwhelming. I needed time for me and I had to sort through everything on my own.
Chapter 35
Kole
I really was trying to respect the fact that Lexi needed some time to herself. I hated that I couldn’t see her. I missed her like hell and I felt like each day she got further away from me.
“Hey, Kole, how are you?” I looked up from the television to see Megan standing next to Radley.
“Hey, Meg, I’m all right I guess. I think Lexi is avoiding me, though. I’ve tried to call her three times and she won’t answer. Maybe I screwed it up too much to be fixed.” I shrugged and turned back to the TV, feeling sorry for myself. They both walked toward me and sat on the couch.
“Kole, she’s not avoiding you. She’s been seeing a counselor and going to a group therapy session.”
I turned to Radley with my mouth slightly open in shock. After the way she freaked out when we suggested it before, I never expected her to agree to that.
“Counseling? Since when?” There was an ache in the pit of my stomach. Lexi didn’t even say anything to me about it.
“For almost three weeks now. It’s been really hard, Kole, but she’s actually talking more and hurting less. It’s been tough on her. Maybe she didn’t say anything because she wanted to be able to show you it was helping. She isn’t avoiding you.” I trusted Megan, but I still felt like Lexi was a million miles away from me.
I hadn’t been able to see her and I couldn’t ever get her on the phone
I got up from the couch and went to my room.
Kole: I miss you, Lex…can I see you?
I felt like such a whipped pussy sitting on the side of my bed with my phone in my hand. I stared at the screen waiting for a response…anything. I felt like forever had passed before the screen lit up.
Lexi: I miss you, but tonight isn’t good. I had a long day and now I just feel like going to bed. Sorry. Soon, though, I promise.
Fuck. I fought the urge to smash my phone against the wall.
Kole: Okay it really sucks not being around you…It feels like you’re drifting away.
I let my thumb hover over the send button before finally touching the screen.
Lexi: Sorry, I don’t mean to. I’m just dealing with some things and I’ll tell you about it soon. I want to see you too…maybe this weekend?
There was no maybe about it; I was definitely going to see her. I had to fix this distance between us because it was driving me insane. I didn’t care anymore how big of a pussy it made me. I needed Lexi and I wanted her back in my life.
Chapter 36
Lexi
Friday was less stressful, I felt good about how far I had come with Gail. I let it all out from my fears to my regrets. Walking out of her office after my session felt liberating. I felt like a little piece of the old Lexi had just reappeared. It was time that I started living again and going after what I wanted. It was time to face the fact that what ha
ppened to me was not my fault. I wouldn’t let Matt control my choices any longer. I wouldn’t let him invade my mind. He didn’t deserve to be a part of my life in any way any longer.
I left the community center with a new sense of freedom. I was searching through my purse for my keys when I heard someone call my name. I looked up to find Kole walking in my direction; he looked so handsome. I found myself admiring his features as he approached. His hair was slightly tousled from the light breeze and his eyes were so gorgeous, almost hypnotizing. There was a slight lift of his mouth as he curled it into a sweet smile. He wore a tight gray T-shirt with a jacket thrown over it, and I could see his chest ripple beneath it. As he reached me I could smell his cologne and I caught myself closing my eyes slightly to breathe him in. I slowly opened them to find Kole standing before me as he continued to smile. He was showing off his sexy dimple in his left cheek.
He looked over my shoulder to the community center. “How did it go?” I knew at that minute someone had told him about my therapy.
“Which one told you—Radley or Megan?” He reached out and ran his hand over my arm, then grabbed my hand to hold it.
“Radley did, but don’t be mad at him. I’m proud of you. It’s a big step.” He lifted my hand to his lips placing a light kiss on my knuckles. “Can we go do something…anything? I really want to spend some time with you, Lex. I miss you.”
I couldn’t say no because I wanted to spend time with him also. I had pushed him away to give myself time and now I just wanted to be near him. I wanted to talk to him and have his arms around me. I had missed him so much, but I knew I had to start healing. He followed me back to the dorms to drop off my car.
“What sounds good…pizza?” He was watching me closely. I smiled at him in reassurance that I was doing well.
“Pizza’s fine, Kole.”
Once we got there and they led us to the booth, I slid in. Kole stood at the end looking down at me. “Can I sit next to you?”
I nodded up at him as he slid in. The feel of his body up against mine mixed with his cologne was hypnotizing. I’d missed him and his touch. After we got together and I grew to trust him, his touch became a soothing feeling instead of a fear. I stopped being terrified of it and began craving it. I had a desperate need to have him near and to feel his embrace. I took a few deep breaths to fight back the need.
Leaning into me, he whispered, “Are you okay?” The feel of his breath on my neck pulled at me even more. I turned into him and brought my face to his. Our lips were so close and he was watching my mouth.
“I miss you so much, Kole. You’re the only person who can touch me.” I placed my lips gently to his. The kiss was so sweet and lingering.
We were interrupted by the waitress as she took our order. When Kole turned back to face me, he brushed my hair behind my ear.
“Did I tell you that your hair looks really sexy? I love how it falls around your face.” He paused brushing his thumb across my lip. “Baby, we’ll go at your pace, but I really missed you too. I missed your touch and your kiss so fucking much.”
I let him bring his lips to mine again but this time I ran my tongue along his lip as his followed. Our kiss was so heated and I think we were both fighting it with everything we had to keep it from getting too intense.
Our pizza arrived and I just picked at it. I knew I needed to make a decision regarding Kole. Could I trust him and let go of what happened? Would I be able to move on and not have that in my mind every day? I wanted to be able to, but could I? We talked while we ate. After he paid I felt like he wanted to say something, but he just kept flexing his jaw muscle quickly.
When we got into his car I watched him put the key in the ignition.
“Kole, what are you thinking? I know something is on your mind.” He turned to face me.
“I don’t want to take you back to the dorm. I really just want you to come home with me. They have people over and we could see Radley and Meg. I know you don’t want to jump back into it with me and I understand that—I do—but I really can’t help it, Lexi. I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you. I can’t just see you for a couple hours every week and pretend that such a small amount of time doesn’t kill me. I just want to grab you and hold on so fucking tight. I screwed up, I know that. But this is torture.” He was staring at me with such intensity.
“Please, just spend the night with me. I’m not saying come home with me so we can have sex. I just want you there. I want to fall asleep holding you and know that in the morning you’ll still be there. Please, Lexi. I just don’t know if I can do slow with you. I think it’s impossible, but if that’s what you need then I’ll have to, because I refuse to lose you.”
I lay my head back onto the headrest and just looked at him. I wanted to say yes so badly. I wanted to go back to where we were before I told him about me going to that bar. Kole made me feel beautiful, desirable. There was nothing dirty about what we had. I loved him and I wanted him so badly.
“Okay.”
He wrinkled his eyebrows. “Okay?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Okay, I’ll go home with you. I’ll stay with you tonight.”
He moved quickly. As his mouth crushed against mine he whispered, “I love you.”
Chapter 37
Kole
I grabbed Lexi’s hand and pulled her to me for one more kiss before we went inside. They were having a party and I wanted to spend the night with her. I needed to feel her close I wanted to show everyone that I was fighting for her. I wasn’t ashamed to let people know I loved Lexi.
I could feel her relaxing with each kiss we shared. I didn’t hold back now. I figured she agreed to stay with me, so it should be okay to kiss her. I could never get enough of her.
“You ready to go inside?” She nodded her head; I think we both knew the chances of seeing Hope were going to be pretty high. She was back to screwing the guys in the house to try and get to me. She really had no clue that I couldn’t have cared less about who she was under. I felt Lexi squeeze my hand as we walked inside. I turned to look at her and she just smiled. I couldn’t resist leaning over to kiss her once more.
The music was loud, but I heard Megan squeal with excitement when she saw Lexi walk in with me. When she looked closer and saw that I had hold of her hand I thought her excitement would break my eardrums. Lexi leaned in to whisper something in Megan’s ear and then Megan shook her head yes. Then the both of them began scanning the room. I knew then that she was looking for Hope. My stomach flipped and I felt a sense of panic. I hated that Lex felt insecure about Hope and me. There is no Hope and me—there never would be.
I sat down on a bar stool and pulled Lexi to me. Wrapping my arms around her I pulled her close. I kissed her forehead causing her to look up at me.
“I’m glad you’re here.” I watched her lips as she tilted her head up and kissed me. I left mine lingering over hers, watching her as she kept her eyes closed. After a second I kissed her again, keeping my eyes open the entire time. Her eyes fluttered and I traced my tongue along hers, lightly sucking on the tip.
She brought her hands up to run them through my hair while pulling me closer. Nothing was sexier than watching her kiss me. I knew we were putting on a show, but I didn’t give a shit. If Lexi was going to kiss me, I wasn’t going to turn it down no matter where we were. When she pulled back and her eyes slowly came open she looked into mine.
“Were you watching me?”
I grinned. “Sure was. You look so sexy when you kiss, I couldn’t help it.” She turned around and leaned back into me. I ran my hand around her waist and pulled her in just a little tighter.
Radley had gotten both of us a beer and we were all talking. I thought maybe we were going to be able to avoid a tense situation with Hope, but when I glanced toward the kitchen my stomach fell. Hope was leaning against the counter drinking and staring directly at Lexi. We locked eyes and her face softened then she licked her lips. I suddenly got a bad feeling about this and
I wanted to distract Lexi. Hope was drunk, which only made her mouthier than usual. I hated that I ran back here and straight to Hope after Lexi and I broke up. It really just fed her fire.
“Why are you watching her?” Lexi sounded hurt. Shit, she caught me watching Hope. I rotated her around to ensure she could see me when I explained.
“I’m not watching her, okay? She just keeps getting closer to us and I’m not going to let her start her shit. That is the only reason, Lex. I’m not interested in Hope. I promise I’m just not going to let her ruin this.”
The look on her face made my chest feel tight. I knew she felt there was more to it and I had to blame myself for that insecure feeling she had. “I love you, baby. You have my heart, Lex…all of it.”
I kissed her while running my hands over her hips and along the hem of her shirt across her back. “It’s you, baby,” I whispered between kisses. “Just you…I want you.” I felt her relax against me and I allowed myself to relax.
The feel of her body against me so tightly and her hands running up and down my arms was nice. It had been almost three weeks since I had been this close to Lexi and I knew I missed it, but feeling her made me realize just how much I needed her. I felt her small fingers trace across my stomach just under the hem of my shirt, which caused a chain reaction to run through me. I moaned into her mouth, pulled her in tighter to me, my dick twitched, and I sucked her lower lip into my mouth. She returned a sweet little moan and I felt like my head was going to explode.
“Fuck, Lex, you’re killing me.”
I was so fucking turned on. I knew I had to keep her close to me because I had to hide the erection threatening to bust out of my zipper.
