Was this his mother trying to get on his father’s good side, trying to defend his point of view? He didn’t think so. Though she had always done her best not to cross him for fear of his wrath, she had ultimately done as much as she thought she could to help her only son.
“Why would you say that? I really think that this idea will work. And I do want to save the business—not because of Dad, but because this is my legacy. This is what I have to be proud of. I want to make it a success in my own right.”
“No, it’s not that. I have every bit of faith in you that you can make this business a success. I’m just afraid…” She hesitated, not meeting his eyes.
Jesse reached out and placed a finger under her chin, tilting her face up so that she had to look him in the eye. He gave her a gentle smile. “Afraid of what?”
She heaved a heavy sigh, as if the weight of the world were on her shoulders. “I just don’t want to see you wrapping your whole life up in a business, Jesse. There is so much more to life than work. Your father never seemed to understand that. But you… You aren’t him. I want you to be true to yourself. Don’t let a business be your entire world.”
Jesse wrapped her in his arms, holding her reassuringly. “Mom, you are right about one thing. I’m not Dad, and I know that. But this business is important to me. I want to do this for myself.”
She nodded against his chest, and Jesse got the feeling she wanted to say more, but when he released her and looked into her eyes she simply smiled. If there was something else she was going to say, it wouldn’t be now.
They said their goodbyes and Jesse headed back out to his truck, unable to shake the heavy feeling he always got when he visited his parents. He sat for a few minutes, thinking of how his parents had never been happy together, not as long as he could remember. His mother was so selfless, sticking by his father through thick and thin, but it had taken its toll on her. No woman should have to endure what she had.
And that right there, he thought, his heart heavy, was exactly why he could never let himself get involved any deeper with Lissa. That knowledge caused his heart to contract painfully, but he knew that he was right. She was too vivacious, too full of life, wanted things in life—things he couldn’t give her—and he cared far too much for her to subject her to the kind of life his mother had suffered through for years. She would find what she wanted someday, he just knew it couldn’t be with him.
CHAPTER FIVE
“You aren’t coloring anymore,” little Sarah Martin protested, startling Lissa from where she’d been swirling her ice around her glass, completely absorbed in her thoughts.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie.” Lissa grabbed a fat and slightly sticky crayon from the long farm-style dining table and offered Sarah an apologetic smile. “I don’t know where my mind has wandered off to.”
“Not the faintest of ideas, hmm?” Cassie Martin, Sarah’s mother and Lissa’s best friend in the entire world, made her way into the breakfast nook from where she’d been preparing dinner in the kitchen while Lissa kept Sarah occupied. “It wouldn’t happen to have gotten lost somewhere in the stable, would it? Along with a tall, dark and rugged cowboy?”
Lissa shot her a sharp look and cut her eyes toward Sarah, relieved to find she was more interested in turning a coloring book full of Minnie Mouse pictures into pink and purple scribbles than she was in Lissa’s turmoil over Jesse.
Cassie rolled her eyes and set a pitcher of tea on the table, along with two fresh glasses of ice, then arched her back, stretching and pressing her fists into the top of her hips in what looked like an attempt to relieve some pressure from the growing baby bump that seemed to be ever larger every time Lissa saw it.
“Will you please sit down? You’re going to wear yourself out if you don’t get some rest sometimes,” Lissa said, trying to distract herself. Cassie was right. Ever since she heard Jesse’s truck screech to a stop outside then saw him stalking off toward the Martins’ stables, where his own horse was boarded, shortly to reemerge on horseback and gallop off toward the wooded trails, she hadn’t been able to think of anything else.
Not that she would have been anyway. Lissa had spent some of the afternoon puttering around the house after Jesse sent her home, but she’d been too restless to sit still for long, and memories of the near-kiss she and Jesse had almost shared that morning kept floating to the surface, no matter how many times she tried not to think about it.
Cassie waved off the comment, but sat nonetheless, pulling out another chair to prop up her feet. “So now that I’ve got a minute, do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
With another glance at Sarah and a questioning brow aimed at Cassie, who again waved her hand and shook her head, indicating Sarah was paying them no mind, Lissa jumped in with both feet. “Jesse tried to kiss me.”
Cassie sat staring at her expectantly, and when Lissa said no more, she prompted her. “And?”
“What do you mean ‘and’? That right there should be explanation enough.”
Cassie sighed, leaning forward to prop her chin in her hand, a look of mock-boredom across her face. “You act as if this should come as a surprise. It’s been obvious for months that you two are dying to get your hands on each other. Anyone with two eyes could see that.”
She chose not to think about the fact that her emotions were that obvious to everyone and hoped instead that Cassie just happened to be more in tune with what was going on with her rather than die of humiliation that the entire town of Willow Valley might be speculating behind her back.
“Yes, but…it’s not the first time.”
Cassie’s eyes widened as if she were about to be let in on some juicy gossip. “Oh really? And why am I just now hearing about this?”
That’s where it got complicated. Lissa had intentionally not told her best friend about the kiss with Jesse, as it had been made abundantly clear that there would never be more to it than that. She had hidden her hurt and frustration for the last few months, but suddenly all she wanted to do was spill her guts all over the kitchen table and hope that, if nothing else, it made her feel better.
“So, a few months back, not long before you and Jack got pregnant actually, Jesse and I were working late and went outside for some fresh air. We’d been having this little flirtation going for some time, and before I knew what had happened, he was kissing me.” Lissa spared her the details but felt her face flaming with embarrassment nonetheless as she recalled the heat of that night.
“Melissa Ann Winters! I can’t believe you never told me this.” The look of hurt on her face made Lissa hunch her shoulders. “After your not-so-secret crush on him for all these years, you didn’t let me in on this?”
“Let me finish, then you may not think so terribly of me. It was self-preservation, I swear.” Wrapping her arms around her stomach in a subconscious gesture of protection, Lissa delved into the conversation that followed that kiss, not sparing a detail, concluding with all of the intensely awkward moments they’d had since, right up until the near-kiss from that morning.
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry that you’ve been dealing with this on your own for all this time. I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me. But whether you think so or not, this is great news!”
Lissa cocked her eyebrow. “Great news? How do figure?”
“Don’t you see? He has been struggling just as much as you have all this time. He’s trying to stay away from you but he can’t. He cares for you, Lissa. Surely you see that.”
“There is something there between us. I know that. Attraction, lust, whatever you want to call it. But he said from the beginning that he isn’t willing to take it any further, to see where it could lead. He refuses to act on it.”
Cassie leaned forward, palms pressed into the table, eyes intense. “But don’t you see? He has! That’s, what, twice now that he has almost kissed you, and just this week? You say he doesn’t want to act on it, but he’s doing just that. In some way or another, he wants you.”
Lissa leaned back, gazing at Cassie skeptically. “I still don’t see how this is great news. Yeah, maybe he is attracted to me, maybe he even feels something towards me. But he doesn’t want to. He made it clear to me that whatever this is, he doesn’t want it to exist, doesn’t want it to happen.” She grimaced—saying those words aloud caused a physical pain to shoot through her chest.
Cassie shook her head and grinned. “That’s where you’re wrong. You just have to show him what he wants. Because he’s obviously in denial and can’t figure it out for himself. You’re going to have to show him just what he’s missing out on.”
“I don’t know, Cass. He doesn’t want our relationship to head in that direction. I’m afraid that if I push him, I might destroy our friendship forever. Not to mention our working relationship. How am I supposed to face the man day in and day out—especially with this new project we’re starting—if I’ve bared my soul to him? I’d be completely humiliated. What’s already happened is bad enough.”
“You aren’t looking at this the right way, Lissa. You’ve convinced yourself that there is nothing there for him and that it’s only you that feels this way.”
Lissa threw her hands up in exasperation. “Have you not heard anything that I’ve said? That is exactly what he made abundantly clear to me.”
Cassie looked at her wryly. “No, that’s what you chose to hear. But it’s obvious to me—and like I said before, anyone else with two eyes—that there is something between the two of you. It’s definitely not one-sided. And I don’t think it’s just a matter of the two of you wanting to jump each other, either.” Lissa rolled her eyes at this. “I think he cares about you on a deeper level and that, for whatever reason, it scares him. If you don’t find out exactly why he’s holding back from you, you risk regretting it for the rest of your life. Trust me. Finding someone special is worth whatever risk you have to take, and you’d be crazy to let the chance pass you by.”
“Spoken by the woman who fought against falling for her own someone special.”
“And look how that turned out,” Cassie declared.
Before Lissa could say anything else, the back door swung open and in walked Jack Martin, all tan and sweaty with his cowboy hat atop his head. He sauntered over with a big grin and bent down to give Cassie a kiss on the lips. Completely immune to the fact that he was covered in dirt and sweat from a long day out on the ranch, she kissed him back. Lissa felt a small twinge of envy mixed with the happiness she felt for her friend that at least one of them had found her happily ever after.
“How’s my best girl?” Jack asked as he swung around the table and lifted Sarah up into his arms.
“Daddy!” she squealed, throwing her arms around Jack. They were the perfect little family.
“Hey there, Lissa. Jesse sure is in a foul mood today. That wouldn’t have anything to do with you I wouldn’t guess?” he said with a laugh.
“I would hope not,” Cassie interjected, “considering that Lissa has come up with an idea to save his store.”
Jack arched an eyebrow. “Is that so?” Jake and Jesse had been close friends for as long as Lissa could remember, so she was only mildly surprised that he already knew the store had been in trouble. He set Sarah down and started to walk out of the room, calling over his shoulder, “I’ll be right back to catch up with you ladies, but if I don’t get a shower Cassie here is going to tan my hide.”
Lissa watched as Cassie stared after him, a look of sickeningly sweet adoration plastered across her face. Normally she would have teased her friend for being so love-struck, but she didn’t have it in her just now. She tried not to dwell on it too often, but she desperately wanted to have the love and family that Cassie did.
Abruptly Lissa pushed back from the table. “I think I’ll go see what’s the matter with Jesse. I’ve been wondering ever since I saw him pull up earlier. And you know me, curiosity always gets the best of me.”
“Like mother, like daughter, right?” Cassie teased.
Lissa laughed as she made her way out the back door, but as soon as she started trudging across the field toward the big red barn and stables, her smile disappeared, replaced with a scowl of frustration. What if what Cassie had said was true? What if Jesse really did feel something toward her and he was pushing her away for other reasons? She hadn’t let herself think about that before, certain it was wishful thinking that would only lead to heartache.
Why was he so upset right now? Could it really have something to do with her? She thought Jack had been teasing, but as she reflected on the things Cassie said, now she wasn’t sure. What she was sure of was that Jesse hadn’t given her the full story about why he was pushing her away. She was sick of the back and forth with him, the constant confusion. He said there would be nothing between them, but Cassie was right. His actions said otherwise. And she was about to find out why.
***
Rubbing down his horse after a long ride was always soothing. The rhythmic stroking of the brush down the horse’s back had a relaxing cadence to it, and it helped him to clear his mind. Except it wasn’t working for him today.
After leaving his father’s house, he’d come straight here, hoping to clear his head with a good hard ride. He needed to think through the tangle of feelings that were jumbling up his ability to think rationally.
Unfortunately, all he could think about at the moment was Lissa. When he defended her to his father, the flare of emotion and the desire to protect her had taken him by surprise. The fact that he cared about her was nothing new. But the intensity of it had rattled him.
To make matters worse, their near kiss from that morning kept playing itself out in his head in agonizing detail. It had been too close; he had about given in. It was getting harder and harder to resist her, and he was starting to doubt that he would be able to in the end. Was it even really worth it?
But he knew the answer to that. He did care about her, and that was exactly why he’d made his vow to keep her at arm’s length. He didn’t want to hurt her, and he knew he ultimately would.
As if his thoughts had suddenly materialized before him, he was jarred from his thoughts to find Lissa standing there staring up at him. The look on her face was not the willing and pliant one it had been that morning, though. No, he knew this face all too well. Hands on her hips and staring at him with her eyebrows raised and eyes wide, she meant business.
“Okay, Jesse Kincade. Spill it.”
He grinned at her, unable to suppress the amusement he always felt when she pushed him around with this tough girl act of hers, even though she was truly one of the last people he needed to be around at the moment.
“Spill what?”
Lissa huffed, waving her arms dramatically. “As if you don’t know! I saw you stomping across the yard like you were ready to smash your fists into something. You’re all worked up for some reason or another, and I’m determined to find out what it is.”
Jesse turned to face her full on, and she stepped back ever so slightly as he leaned into her personal space. Good. Maybe now he’d have the upper hand with her. Not very likely, though. He could tell she was geared up for a fight. Okay, fine.
“And what makes you so sure I want to tell you what’s going on? Did you stop to think that maybe I came out here to be alone?” He didn’t mean for it to come out so harshly, but if he’d been riled up by her before, seeing her in the flesh made him positively ready to explode. He was in constant turmoil when it came to her lately.
A brief look of hurt flashed in Lissa’s eyes but was gone almost immediately. “Maybe because you were just fine earlier today. In great spirits, actually. And something has obviously happened. I like to consider myself your friend,” she stumbled over the word slightly and wouldn’t meet his eyes for a moment, “so I would like to think that if something is wrong, maybe I can help.”
Friend. He almost sneered at the word. She was so far from that to him. And in his agitation, suddenly he was sick of it all. The wanting and never having.
The pressure to do what was right. He couldn’t take it anymore.
“Just go away, Lissa,” he snapped. He turned his back on her and got back to brushing the horse, who was now shifting his weight and rolling his eyes around uneasily at Jesse’s raised voice and hard brush strokes.
“Excuse me, Jesse Kincade.” Lissa put her hand on his shoulder and pulled, trying to turn him back around to face her. “After everything I’ve done for you, I refuse to be dismissed like this.”
He whirled on her, his furious gaze a match for her blazing eyes.
She stared him down, not giving ground. “Why are you so determined to push me away?”
The remark hit home. And despite his efforts to do just that, all he wanted to do right now was gather her in his arms and kiss that petulant mouth until she stopped pushing his buttons. But this was Lissa. And much as he may want to kiss her until she couldn’t even remember her name, he was pretty sure even that wouldn’t be enough to stop her from letting him hear it.
“I’m about tired of this, Jesse. It’s hot and cold with you.” She hesitated, as if she wasn’t sure about what she was going to say next, but then he saw the resolve in her eyes as she barreled ahead. “I’m damn tired of it. One minute you’re about to kiss me, the next you tell me to go away. You act as if you want nothing to do with me and tell me as much, and the next thing I know you’re looking at me as if you want to devour me. Back and forth, all the time. I don’t understand why you are doing this. Why are you pushing me away? I don’t buy your story. You tell me that it’s for the best, that we can’t be together, and that one day I’ll thank you for it, then you expect me to go on like everything is normal.”
She took a deep breath and he thought that was it, but he should have known better. She poked her finger into his chest, and he realized by this point they were only inches apart. “And I’ll tell you what else, Jesse. I can’t go on as if everything is normal because it’s not! Do you know how hard it is to come into work and see you every day knowing what has been between us? Knowing I can’t touch you or look at you a certain way, worrying that I’ll say the wrong thing and suddenly you’ll see exactly what I try so hard to hide?”
Meant for Love Page 4
