Turning to face her, Jesse looked nervous, swallowing and fidgeting, putting his hands in his jacket pocket and taking it back out repeatedly. She’d never seen him like this.
“Did I wake you?” His voice was full of concern. “I know you have to be exhausted.”
She nodded. “I am, but I haven’t been able to fall asleep yet.”
He searched her eyes as if he were looking for some hidden meaning there. But she wouldn’t tell him how heartsick she was over him. Definitely not.
“How’s…the baby?”
Lissa looked for some kind of tell when he spoke the word, something that would prove to her that he was as distraught over the pregnancy as she expected him to be, but she didn’t see anything but concern.
“Fine, I guess. I go to the doctor on Monday.”
“Do you—” He cleared his throat. “Do you mind if I go with you?”
She couldn’t have been more surprised, and before her mind could catch up with her heart, she blurted out, “Sure.”
Why had she said that? Doing baby things together was only going to make it more difficult to get over him, if that were even possible. Still, she felt something warm in her heart that he wanted to be a part of it, and she would never deny him access to anything having to do with their child.
He let out a sigh of relief and smiled tentatively at her.
“Jesse, why did you come here? If it was just to check on me, you can see that I’m fine. So if you don’t mind, I really need to try to get some sleep.”
Like that would happen now that she had Monday morning to worry about.
He took a step forward and reached for her hand, but when she crossed her arms over her chest, he shoved them in his pockets again.
“That’s only part of why I came by.” He nodded toward the flowers. “I wanted to bring those and check on you, but mostly I want to talk to you. About us.”
Her heart hammered in her chest. “There is no us. I told you that.”
“I know what you said. But I don’t buy it. It doesn’t even make sense, Lissa. You’re pregnant. With my child. And you know I love you. Why would you want to break things off with me now?”
She turned away from him, searching for something to do so that she wouldn’t have to look at him. Her eyes fell on the flowers, and breathing through her mouth, she grabbed them and walked to the kitchen to find a vase while she figured out what to say next.
“I thought I made it clear,” she finally said.
“Not really. I mean, one minute you’re telling me you’re pregnant, the next you’re kicking me out and saying we’re through. Surely you don’t mean that.”
No, not in her heart of hearts. What she wanted was for them to be a family, to have their happily ever after. But that wasn’t in the cards. Finding no other way around it, she told him what he needed to hear.
“You were right, Jesse. You can’t give me what I want. I was an idiot to pretend for this long. But you’ve said it yourself, so you must know. You don’t have it in you to be a father and a husband.”
The lie made her stomach curdle, but he believed it to be the truth, and until he was willing to accept that he wasn’t the man he thought himself to be—that he was so much more—then she had no choice but to say it. Because she’d argued the point for so long that she doubted it would ever get through.
Jesse clenched his jaw and Lissa saw a faint flush of anger rise up his neck. “You don’t believe that.”
“What I believe isn’t what’s important here.”
“No, you’re right. So let me tell you what I believe.” He stalked over to her and turned her to face him squarely. To her utter disbelief, he took her hands in his and dropped to one knee.
“What I believe is that we’re meant to be together, Lissa Winters. And I won’t go another minute without you. You’re carrying my baby, and I swear to you I won’t let this child grow up without a father. Lissa, I love you.”
He looked up at her, and she felt as if the world were shifting under her feet as he said his next words.
“Marry me.”
***
It felt like hours had gone by as he waited for Lissa to put him out of his misery. She stared down at him, her face an unreadable mask. Then the shift in her eyes and the slight pull as she removed her hands from his had his heart feeling as if it were being trampled by a stampede of horses.
He’d always thought people were being melodramatic when they talked about broken hearts, but the pain in his chest as she shook her head had his feeling as if his would never beat again.
“I’m sorry, Jesse. I can’t.” She kept talking, mumbling something about motivation that he couldn’t hear through the ringing in his ears.
This had to be some cruel joke. Payback for him leaving the other day without putting up a fight. But as she choked back a sob, he knew this was all too real.
He stood up and gripped her shoulders, hoping to make her think about what she was saying.
“I don’t understand,” was all he could think to say. He’d just bared his soul to her, and she’d turned her back on him. It didn’t make sense.
Tears were streaming down her face, and he wiped one away with the pad of his thumb. She looked up at him, the yearning he felt mirrored in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Jesse. I just…can’t. I love you too, but—”
Ironically, it was the first time she had actually uttered the words to him. When she was refusing his proposal. His confusion and nerves were giving way to frustration and anger.
“Then that’s all that matters. Or it should be. I don’t know what’s going through your head right now.”
Lissa wiped at her eyes. “I’m trying to tell you. You aren’t what I need you to be. What this baby needs you to be.” She placed a hand protectively over her stomach. “I can’t marry you because I refuse to go into a marriage based on the wrong motivations. Duty, obligation, whatever you want to call it. I’m pregnant, and now you feel like you have to marry me.”
“That’s not it at all—”
“Isn’t it?” Her eyes flashed at him. “Would you be standing here proposing to me if I weren’t pregnant?”
He had nothing to say to that.
“No, and why would you? Because we had an understanding. We were in this thing as long as we both acknowledged that it couldn’t be anything more that what you were willing to give. Marriage was never part of that equation, and I knew it. I accept that. Did I wish it were different? Without a doubt. But, Jesse,” she looked earnestly at him, “it’s not. Just because I’m having a baby doesn’t change what you want, or don’t want in this case.”
She was right, mostly. The baby had changed things. Would he have proposed otherwise? He knew the answer was no.
So when she turned away from him again, he didn’t try to pull her back. And when she said, “Just go. Please,” he went without an argument, not sure how a plan he had felt was so right about had ended up so wrong. And as he made his way out the door, he shoved a hand into his pocket and clenched his fist around the little velvet box inside.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“You have got to be the biggest idiot in the history of the world.” Cassie slammed a glass of tea down in front of Jesse where he sat at their long wooden dining table.
“Cassie,” Jack cautioned.
“No, it’s okay. She’s right,” Jesse said miserably. “I’ve screwed this up even worse than before. I didn’t even think that was possible.”
“Me either,” Cassie bit out. “But somehow it is. She thought it was a sympathy proposal. That you felt you had to. No woman wants to be proposed to because they feel like an obligation.”
It made sense. Sort of. As much as women could make sense to Jesse.
Jack shook his head. “You women are crazy.” But he wrapped his arms around Cassie’s ever-larger belly and kissed her affectionately.
“Ugh.” Cassie rolled her eyes. “You don’t get it either, do you?”
�
�Afraid not, darlin’. Why don’t you enlighten us men, you being the more intelligent half of the species? Because if he loves her and she loves him, then the rest should work itself out, right?”
“Yeah, because it was so easy for us?” Cassie lifted her brows at him. They had more than their share of obstacles to work through, but the fact that they had gave Jesse some small measure of hope.
“Just tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix it.”
Cassie pursed her lips and scrutinized him for a moment before pulling out a chair to sit across the table from him, folding her hands in front of her and giving it to him straight.
“She wanted you to propose whether there was a baby or not. Didn’t she say that?”
He nodded. “More or less.”
“Well, from what I gather, she thinks the only reason you did is because she’s pregnant.”
“But that’s not the only reason. I do love her. The fact that she’s having a baby doesn’t change that. I’d love her the same whether she was pregnant or not.”
“But you wouldn’t have proposed?”
“Maybe not yet.”
Cassie tilted her head. “That’s not a no.”
Jesse was growing tired of this. “Of course it’s not a no. I told you I love her. Who knows what would have happened if she hadn’t gotten pregnant? This could have gone on for a year or two, maybe longer, before I realized what I know now. I can’t say how things would have played out. The only thing I know for certain is that under no circumstances would I want to live out the rest of my life without Lissa by my side. Have her as my partner in life. And yeah, now that I’m not blinded by my past, have a family with her.”
“Well, why didn’t you just say that to begin with?”
“Excuse me?”
Cassie smiled gently. “That’s all she needs to know. That no matter what, you want to be with her. She’s so sure that you won’t change. That you’re so stuck in who you think you are that you can’t give her that family.”
He jumped up from the table. He knew exactly what he had to do now.
“Where are you going?” Cassie said, suddenly anxious.
“To find Lissa.”
She relaxed, smiling smugly. “No need. She’ll be here in just a few minutes.”
Jack shook his head, looking at his wife as if he’d never seen her before. “You knew he would figure this out.”
“With a little help.” She laughed.
Jesse shook his head, the look of disbelief mirroring that of Jack’s.
“Don’t try to figure them out, man,” Jack advised as Jesse headed for the back door.
“To the barn. Send her out there when she gets here if you don’t mind.” He only prayed that this time he knew what he was doing.
***
Lissa walked into Cassie’s without knocking. The smell of freshly baked muffins drew her into the kitchen with a smile. She’d been craving banana nut muffins for days. Luckily the bakery kept them in stock, and living just across the town square from Cassie’s shop was amazingly convenient, but they were closed on Sundays. When Cassie had called her to come spend the day with them, she’d agreed on the condition that there were plenty of muffins on hand.
“Hello?” she called out as she plucked a muffin out of the basket sitting on the counter and took a bite. “Anybody home?” she asked with a mouth full of warm, crumbly goodness.
That’s when she saw the note scrawled on a notepad near the muffin basket.
In the barn.
They must be out there with Sarah. That girl would get on a horse any chance she was given. Smiling, Lissa made her way slowly across the back yard toward the barn. It had been a tough couple of days, and it was good to get outside and breathe in some fresh spring air. She’d been given a few days off after the grand opening to rest, but she’d spent most of the time holed up in her apartment wallowing in self-pity.
She dreaded having to see Jesse again tomorrow at the doctor appointment. If he even showed up. Things were bound to be awkward between them.
So lost in her thoughts about what she might say to Jesse if he did come to the appointment, it took her a moment to realize that the little Martin family was not in the barn. Had they gone out to the pasture for a ride then? She turned to go look but was stopped in her tracks by a rough voice she’d recognize if she hadn’t heard it for a lifetime.
“Lissa.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, then forced herself to turn around to face him.
“Jesse. I didn’t know you were going to be here.”
“Yeah, I know. But I’m glad I am.” He walked slowly toward her, and she took in the way he moved in those tight jeans and cowboy boots. Against her will, her pulse picked up and she felt all warm inside as he got closer. Would she ever stop reacting to him this way? Probably not.
“Will you come with me?” He held out a hand to her, and she couldn’t stop herself from taking it, even knowing it was a bad idea. They had to figure out a way to be around each other without the need to touch one another, to be close, rising up at every moment. It seemed impossible, though. After all they had become to each other over the past couple months, it seemed that there was no going back.
But she had to be strong. He wasn’t willing to be what she needed so she couldn’t give in. It wasn’t fair to her, thought she’d been willing to take what she could get. But there was someone else to think of now, and she wouldn’t settle for anything less than all of him.
She remained silent while he led her out the back of the barn. When she turned the corner, she stopped in surprise. He had laid out a picnic, just like the one they’d had at the lake, only this time there was sparkling apple cider instead of wine.
“Jesse, what is this?”
“A picnic.” He gave her that oh-so-familiar half-grin that had her heart kicking into high gear.
“Obviously.” She tried to give him a reproving stare, but it was hard to not get swept up in the memories of that day, and all the days since that they’d been together.
Pulling her to him, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her softly on the top of her head.
She let her head fall to his chest and remain there for a moment. She knew she would have to be stronger than this, but at the moment she just wanted to be weak and enjoy the feeling of being in his arms again.
“Jesse,” she finally whispered. “This is a bad idea.”
“No, it’s not,” he said firmly. “A bad idea is walking away from you—twice—when you told me to, instead of ignoring you and doing this.”
He tilted her chin up and kissed her softly on the lips. She responded immediately, even as warning bells went off in her head. How was she supposed to get a handle on their relationship when she couldn’t even resist him for more than a week?
She kissed him back, but he ended the embrace all too soon and looked her in the eyes as if he could see straight through to her soul.
“I’m the one who’s going to do the talking this time,” he said, and there was no room for argument. “I’ve got some surprises in that basket over there, but before you can have them, you’re going to hear me out. Understand?”
Lissa nodded, her curiosity getting the best of her.
“These last two months have been something that I never expected. I fought against it for so long, but when I finally gave in, it was even better than I ever could have imagined. You bring out the best in me, Lissa. I’ve known you so long, you’re like my other half.
“I can’t live without you. Being with you has made me see for myself what you’ve been saying all along. I know I told you early on that I knew I wasn’t my father, but I don’t think I completely believed it. No, I know I didn’t believe it. But you—you’ve always believed in me. And you were right.
“This past week has been the most miserable of my life. Having what I’ve always wanted and then losing it. It was unbearable.”
She nodded. She knew the feeling all too well. She wanted to tell him th
at it was okay, that everything would be okay, but she had an idea where he was going, and she didn’t want to interrupt him for fear he’d stop. They were on the verge of something. Something new and big, and her body began to shake in anticipation.
“It’s okay, baby,” he said, rubbing her arms as if to stop the shiver that ran through her, but it only caused her to tremble more.
“I’ve realized so much. And I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. But I’m not going to waste any more. I won’t let my past define who I am, Lissa. Do you hear what I’m saying? I’ve denied myself a chance at happiness for so long, and now here it is staring me in the face. I want to be everything that you could ever want or need. All I want to do is make you happy.”
“But, Jesse,” she began. She had to be sure. “If I wasn’t pregnant…”
“I’d still feel the same way about you. I don’t want to marry you because you’re having my child. I want to marry you because the idea of not spending every Yeah, maybe I came to this conclusion a little sooner than I may have otherwise, but the fact remains, I would have figured it out eventually. I want you. I need you. And I refuse to spend another day without you.”
“But the baby. Jesse, you never wanted to be a father.”
He smiled at her, his face full of love and tenderness, and he laid a hand on top of hers where she had unconsciously placed it on her stomach. “That’s because I never had a baby with you. You make me a better man, Lissa. Abby told me that I couldn’t be like my father if I tried.”
“I’ve been telling you that for years, Jesse Kincade,” she said with a smile. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. He had finally realized who he really was, what kind of love he was capable of. “I’ve seen it in you all along. But I’m glad you finally see it for yourself. If it took all the misery I’ve been through in the past week for you to figure it out, then I’d do it all again.”
Meant for Love Page 15
