I found most of them, grabbed my purse and my phone and snuck out of the room. I saw a bathroom at the end of the hall, my bladder about to explode. The bathroom was worse than the bedroom. I contemplated taking pictures to bring to my biology professor so he could identify a new species of mold.
Biology. The biology test was today. Shit.
I looked down at my watch and felt dread settle in the pit of my stomach like molten lead. The test was at 9am. It was already past 10. I was going to fail biology. I had never failed a class in my life.
Freshman year I started out like every innocent freshman, eager and ready to learn. The first semester I was a good student. How I wished I could have just stayed that way. I found I loved the freedom being on my own gave me. It didn't take long for me to realize that I could skip a class here and there and still pass. I slowly stopped going to class, finding going out more fun than studying.
Everything felt good. The world was spinning and he was kissing me. It was nice to be kissed. No one had ever kissed me like this. I took another sip, the golden liquid searing through me and giving me courage. I let my inhibitions go, the world mine to experience.
If I had just stopped there, it would have been alright. But I didn't. One party led to another to another. I felt free. I could do no wrong. Freshman year ended and I still made all A's and B's. I only felt a small twinge of guilt at the Bs, but I still had my scholarship. I felt like I was balancing work and play, the adult world opening up to me.
I walked back to my dorm room, ignoring the stares as I headed towards my small room. The small square room I shared was empty and I was grateful. I stripped down, throwing my clothes in a hamper in the corner of the room by my bed and wrapping my robe around me. I just wanted to get clean. To get the stench of alcohol and smoke out of my hair and skin. I didn't think it was supposed to be like this.
They say that a girl's first time should be special. They say that it should be full of love and tenderness. My first time was with a boy who was too drunk to remember my name in the bathroom of a frat house. It wasn't special, but it was a first.
I don't remember the names of all of them. Sometimes I spent the night, sometimes I didn't. My roommate got used to me not being there. My grades started slipping. I missed classes, then quizzes, and then tests. I had never failed anything in my life, but now I was barely passing half my classes. The only time I felt better was when I drank. That's when I met Bobby.
Bobby Wilcox was gorgeous. Tall, blonde, and handsome, he had girls swooning over him as soon as they saw him. I was no different. I met him at a party and couldn't get enough. He told me he loved me. I believed him and for a time believed that we would live happily ever after.
We were happy for a time. I had called Andrew singing Bobby's praises at first. He was handsome, he was rich, he was good to me. I had stopped calling Andrew when things starting going bad. I never told anyone the things Bobby called me. I thought I deserved them. I would have done anything for his praise.
"That's it, you little whore, that's a good girl," he had said smearing the tears on my cheek. I stood on shaky legs. I knew love wasn't supposed to be like this, but Bobby would never hurt me. He loved me. "Now, who's next?" he called out to his friends as he offered me up to them. If this would make him happy, I would do it.
He convinced me to do things that I'm not proud of. He convinced me I was worthless and that only he could love me. I believed him. I trusted him.
I felt dizzy. I hadn't been eating and now I struggled to keep the little I did eat down. Something was wrong with me. Then it hit me. I hadn't had my period this month. I was two weeks late. I sat down and started to cry. I looked at my life and wondered how I got to this. I knew I was smarter than this. I hadn't been raised this way; I knew better than to put myself in this situation. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't even 100% sure who the father was. I told Bobby that I was late. He laughed and told me to get it fixed. I hit him, but he just kept laughing, calling me names.
I skipped the rest of my classes that week. I missed tests. I couldn't concentrate. It felt like someone else was living my life; I was just an observer watching a troubled girl spiral out of control. I stopped drinking. I stopped going to the parties. No one missed me. None of my so called friends ever checked up on me.
After a week of crying and being alone, I called the only person I knew would come and protect me from the world.
"Luke, I'm in trouble."
Luke was there in less than an hour. I wondered how much he had sped to get here that fast. I wished I would have called him months ago. I told him everything and he just held me and let me cry. For the first time in months, I felt like someone actually cared. He threatened to beat Bobby up, but I knew it wouldn't do any good, though the idea at least made me smile.
Luke walked me to the grocery store down the street and I bought a pregnancy test. The pimply faced clerk eyed me judgmentally as I counted out my change. We walked the stadium three times before I got the courage to go into a campus bathroom. Luke promised me no matter what the result was, he was there for me. I didn't have to do this alone. He held my hand while I waited to see my future. I knew something was going to have to change. It was the longest three minutes of my life.
It came back negative.
I failed every class that semester. I lost my scholarship. I lost everything I had worked for. I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. What would have happened if it had been positive? What would I have done? Could I have gone home, to my dad, to my friends, carrying this child? What would I have done for money? Would I have kept the baby, or given it up for adoption? How could I have been so blind? How could I have thought that was love? Why would someone treat me like that? What kind of person was I to get in this situation in the first place? So many questions that I didn't know the answers to, questions I shouldn't have needed to ask in the first place.
I needed to find my way again, so I came home to start from the beginning. Luke never said a word to anyone. He let me tell everyone that college was harder than I had expected and I didn't want to do it anymore. Andrew accepted it easily, welcoming me home with open arms.
My dad never asked for more either, but I knew he suspected something. He had helped me unpack into my old room, watching me with sad eyes. I spent the first week home in shame, seeing accusation in everyone's eyes. Everywhere I went all I could see was other people's pity. At least they only thought I couldn't hack it at college. I preferred that to them knowing how poorly I had chosen my path.
I was no better than Louise. I saw the way Andrew looked at her, the disgust in his voice at her decisions. I was the same as Louise. I had almost been in her shoes, almost had that life. One party too many, one drink too many, one guy too many. One mistake too many. I couldn't lose Andrew, the one person who still believed in me, who didn't see me as a complete failure. Andrew saw the potential in me. The idea that he would look at me the way he looked at Louise scared me worse than anything.
I couldn't tell him. I would keep my dirty secret to myself. If he didn't know, he couldn't be disappointed in me. I could feel secrets beginning to pile up around me, but if I told him, he would never speak to me again. And that was worse than anything I could imagine.
Chapter 11
A dragon's maw of heat and flame raged down the hillside, winding across the forest in search of sustenance. Flames wound around ancient trees like long lost lovers searching for release. The fire engulfed it all, never satisfied, never satiated, never finding release.
I stepped out of my car, careful not to trip on my heels. Since Andrew was taking the time to cook me dinner, I decided I would surprise him and dress up. I had on my favorite black dress with a flared skirt and short purple heels. I even curled my hair and put makeup on. I was nearly to the door when Andrew opened it wearing his mother's apron.
"You look amazing," he said appreciatively as I walked through the door. I could feel him eying me up and down. I did a little turn
, posing like a model at the end. He laughed and clapped his hands.
"So, Chef Andrew, what can I do to help?" I asked sliding out of my shoes and setting them by the door.
"You can come and sit down. I have everything ready," he said as he pulled me towards the table. He had the dining room table set with candles and flowers and soft classical music playing in the background. "You like it?"
I kissed his cheek, the nervous look on his face adorable. "It's perfect. Probably the prettiest table I have ever seen." He grinned and pulled out the chair. I sat down and he hurried to the kitchen.
"I hope you're hungry. The recipe feeds four, and then I made dessert too," he said sheepishly as he brought out a heaping plate.
"Smells delicious! What is it?" I breathed in the scent of Italian spices, my mouth starting to water.
"Pan seared scallops with pesto and heirloom tomatoes," he said proudly. He took off the apron, smoothing his dress shirt before sitting down. He looked incredibly handsome. "I hope you like it."
"Mmmm," I moaned taking a bite. It was delicious. "You made this? It's amazing!"
"Thanks," he grinned as he took a bite. "I'm getting better at this."
"Oh, so you have done this before. I feel so special," I teased.
"Yup. You know me and all my girlfriends," he replied sarcastically. I did know all his girlfriends. He knew I didn't date much in high school, and he thought that I had only been with Bobby. I cringed inwardly at the memory of me giggling on the phone to Andrew about how wonderful Bobby was. I had been so naive.
"So, you seeing anyone new then?" I asked playfully.
"Well, there is this one girl. I've kind of had a crush on her for a long time, but I don't want to go too fast," he smiled shyly at me over his plate.
"A crush, huh?"
"She kissed me once. I've wanted to kiss her everyday since then." Andrew looked directly at me, his eyes like blue flames drawing me in.
"Really?" I could barely breathe, my heart pounding in my chest. Andrew nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. A smile blossomed across my face.
As if the moment was becoming a little too intense, he changed the subject. "But enough about my crush, I've been cooking all day. Let's eat!"
I smiled and we talked about mundane things while we ate. Work, family, the weather. He talked about how a bunch of people had come in looking for items to reduce the fire danger around the town. I had noticed the same at the grocery store. Every time we ran out of things to talk about, I seemed to be drawn to his eyes. We sat in a comfortable silence for minutes at a time.
Finally, the subject of our friends had come up. "I just don't know what to do," I said. "We promised."
"I don't know what to do either, but it's a bad situation for me either way," he said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
Andrew set down his fork and came around the table, kneeling by my chair and taking my hand in his.
"Holly, I've loved you for as long as I've known you. I gave you my heart when I gave you those crayons in kindergarten," his voice faltered for a moment, his eyes capturing me completely. "The vow we made all those years has been the hardest promise I've ever had to keep. I meant to tell you after dinner, but I can't wait. I love you Holly."
My eyes brimmed with tears, my heart so full I was sure it was going to burst. I kissed him, every nerve of my body tingling with joy. His lips pressed against mine, his arms wrapping around me, pulling me closer.
I moved like it was a reflex, standing with him. He held my hand as we walked to his bedroom. The familiar blue sheets of his bed were there, neatly tucked in. He seemed to have straightened his entire room up, as if he had been embarrassed by it the last time I had been here. I laughed to myself, realizing he must have known we would end up here.
My feet flew up in the air as I fell onto the bed, carefree and ready for anything. I smiled at him, my top lip over my bottom lip in an innocent grin. I laid there, bent at the knees, my dress riding up. Had he wanted to, he could have taken a peak at the little black thong I had put on, but he was a gentleman. Maybe he already knew he had me...
He ran his fingertips up my legs, sending a shiver of delight through my body. My mind raced back to the make out session on the couch, the hair washing, and I knew that tonight was the night. Everything was perfect. I spread my legs open, exposing myself for him to see.
His eyes looked at the thong, the only item of clothing between him and my sex. Then, his eyes flicked up to me. I saw that he was sharing the same thought I was. Neither of us would be able to hold back.
He laid on top of me, and we began to kiss. The kisses were deep, hungry. The lust between us was immeasurable. His hands were all over my body, and he pulled the dress down off my shoulders. I couldn't wear a bra with it, so my breasts were exposed immediately. He took one in his hand while flicking his tongue against the nipple of the other. I writhed underneath him.
I tried to undo the buttons of his shirt, but I was at an awkward angle. He knelt over my legs, and I could see how hard he was already. He unbuttoned his buttons and took off his shirt, throwing it to the floor before moving again to devour my bosom.
"Wait. Wait!" I cried out, and he jumped off me, as if scared that I was about to put the brakes on. I pulled the dress up and over my head, throwing it on the floor as well. "That dress cost me $39 on sale at Macy's. I don't want to mess it up too badly."
He grinned. Now that he was off me, he grabbed my feet in his hands. He kissed each of my toes tenderly. Normally I don't like my feet touched, but the way he did it wasn't gross at all. He kissed up my ankles, my calves, savoring every taste of my skin. He kissed up my leg, and I leaned back and closed my eyes.
As he passed my knee, I knew that he had no intention of stopping. He got down on his knees and pulled me to the edge of the bed, putting my legs up on his shoulders. He kissed up my legs, pausing for a moment at my panties. As if remembering the fact that I had stopped him there before, his tongue traveled around the lines of my thong as he waited for a rejection.
I didn't stop him this time. In fact, I relaxed, spreading my legs a little further for him. He took the hint, moving up to my special spot. Pleasure flooded through my body, as a little moan escaped my lips. I tangled my fingers through his hair, and that seemed to drive him wild. He began to pull down the thong, and I lifted my hips to assist him.
When the thong left my feet, he immediately moved back between my legs, going for my clit. Pleasure sang through my body. My mind flashed back to a time in high school when our group was hanging out.
Andrew had been so excited, telling us that he had found the perfect way to please a girl orally on the Internet. We had all laughed at him, and for a few days, he had earned the nickname "Alphabet Andrew". Still, as he worked on my body, I wondered if he was writing out the alphabet with his tongue on my clit right then. I didn't care, I just knew that it was fantastic.
With every lick, the ember of my desire burned brighter, threatening to catch into a full blown blaze at any moment. I felt my temperature rising, the heat consuming me from within. Tremors rocked my body as his tongue fanned the sparks that my body nursed. I felt the heat rising, felt the smoke, and where there's smoke, there's always fire.
When the flame ignited, my eyes squeezed shut. Delicious licks of fire washed over my every nerve, intensifying every sensation that I felt. The red color of the flames was all I could see, and my ears roared with the intensity of the flame.
When the fire had burned itself out, I looked down at Andrew. He had felt it too, the sheer power of the moment washing over him as well. I gasped for breath, and he knew that I was his at that moment. He still looked up at me, expectantly, waiting for a sign to proceed.
"Oh, Andrew," I gasped. "I need you. Make love to me."
He needed no further encouragement. With a smile on his face, he stood up and began to unbutton his pants. I watched the show with anticipation, knowing that I was about to recross a bridge that I ha
d once crossed with a man I didn't love. I hoped that it would be a different experience this time.
I watched as he got naked, marveling at his fit body. He reached into his nightstand, pulling out a square wrapper. I grinned, reaching out and grabbed it. He looked confused for a moment, before I unwrapped it. I beckoned to him, and he smiled and came closer, his cock hardening in front of me.
I grabbed it in my hand, gently caressing it, watching as it grew to it's full length. I considered putting it in my mouth, giving him the same oral pleasure I had just received, but I felt the need to have him inside me. I put the condom against the tip of his now throbbing member, and slowly unwrapped it. He moaned softly as I touched the length of his shaft.
He sat next to me on the bed, and we shared an intimate kiss. The kiss lasted just a moment too long, so I took charge. I pushed him down on the bed, grinning as I did so. As I straddled his body, I felt the fear and the thrill of consummating a relationship with someone I cared for. He put his hands on my hips, and I teased him, rubbing my pistil against his stamen.
I watched his eyes go wide as I lowered myself onto him. His eyes closed and he relaxed back. As he filled me, I felt a sensation I had never felt before. It was one of fullness, both physically and emotionally. I wished I had never done this the other way.
Andrew seemed to regain his senses, and he moved his hips against me in tandem with my rhythm. We rocked against each other, and his eyes looked my body up and down. I loved the way he looked at me, like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. When our eyes met, he moved his hands up to my back, pulling me down into him.
Our bodies touched, every inch of my skin touching an inch of his skin. I felt as if we could merge into one person, as if our brains and bodies would soon be entwined forever. I never wanted the sensation to end, and as he began to thrust in and out of me, I knew that I would do anything to keep him, to keep this.
His eyes were still locked on mine, and his hands moved all over my back. His hands ventured upwards, moving to my hair, and the sensation was somehow even more intimate than when he had washed me. He continued to thrust within me, our passions rising. He was obviously feeling the same as I did, because suddenly he paused, and I knew he was trying to prolong the experience.
Fire Always Burns Page 9
