Sweeney himself had never been a believer in the all-powerful Christian God and ultimately rejected any being who would create such terrible suffering and strife upon the earth. He found it astonishing that his many war torn colleagues would embrace the doctrine of such a being whom would willing allow such horrors as war to continue unabated. He had long ago resigned himself to the fact that religion was simply a human construct for the elite to manipulate and control the masses through violence and dictate their personal views on what constituted good morality. He had already given up on humanity and had come to a simplified rationalisation about God which he wrote down within his diary on more than one occasion whilst surrounded by the daily visceral horrors of conflict “If a God is willing to prevent evil, but not able, then he is not omnipotent. If he is able, but not willing, then he must be malevolent. If he is neither able nor willing then why call him a God?”
He would often ponder over this philosophical mental deduction as he listened to the many cries of pain and saw the suffering of war all around him, not having much faith in humanity or the shadow elites whom dictated world events from the safety of their distant ivory towers. So even he had surprised himself when he had opened up to the Chaplin of all people, to discuss the complex and private matters of his achingly lonely heart. He had always prejudged such men of religion as deluded men whom where so troubled by the world around them that they would go to the extreme lengths of worshiping a make believe God in order to make themselves feel better about the cruelty of life.
This ignorantly naive analysis of the Chaplin was completely wrong because he had told the insightful man of God many things that he otherwise would never have told anyone else, such as the way his mother’s early death had psychologically affected him and how his farther had gone mad and was institutionalised with schizophrenia. He had even discussed how both these tragedies had effected the entire family and how poverty had made him extremely determined to succeed in life’s endeavours and achieve success no matter what the cost, similar to the defiant mentality of his beloved first cousin, Martin Sweeney.
He had always been close to Martin since he had instinctively protected him from bullies many times at school and Martin had told him on many separate occasions that no matter what happens, blood ties are the strongest and that they would always have each other’s back. On one occasion when the group of bullies had tactically separated the loyal two cousins and cruelly beaten up the smaller Martin, he had vowed to seek revenge upon them and ran them down a few days later in his mad father’s truck. The still recovering Martin was seated beside him within the truck as he pleasurably watched his loyal cousin then proceed to beat up the injured bullies but soon this feeling of pleasurable revenge changed because he was so concerned about the bullies’ health that he had to physically stop the enraged Frank’s use of overly excessive force.
This situation however had cemented the close bond between the two cousins for life and solidified their undying loyalty to one another which would only harden as time progressed. He had told the attentive Chaplin all of these intimate secrets about himself in only two months of knowing him and mainly when they were alone within the morgue or planning an impromptu funeral service. He had theorized that the reason the Chaplin had the natural ability to effortlessly reveal his most closely guarded secrets was because of the abnormal situation that they all now currently found themselves in. The constant threat of death that always overshadowed the lonesome frontline bunker had an unnatural ability to open up even the most secretively guarded individuals because of the fleeting nature of life.
He thought there was no point in having such tiresomely heavy secrets that slowly ate up oneself from the inside out because you might die any day now anyway and take them with you to an early grave. Sweeney had truly surprised himself when one day within the make shift morgue he finally opened up and told the Chaplin about his darkest and most loathsomely shameful secret of all, his sexuality. He had felt the unbearable need to further push there already close relationship to new levels of intimacy and told him everything with no realistic expectations but still terrified of the potential rejection that may come with the harsh truth. Rejection of himself or possibly even their friendship because he had already played a variety of dreadful scenarios within his calculating mind, all of which ended with the Chaplin lessening his contact with him for fear of leading him on.
He had told him that he liked having sexual intercourse with both men and women but preferred men because he just felt more sexually attracted towards them whereas he preferred women’s company but saw them more so as asexual beings. He had always felt at peace surrounded by women whereas with men he had always struggled with conversation and felt more uncomfortable because they represented a fearful attraction for him, an unspoken primal attraction for their naked writhing bodies pressed up against his. This by no means meant that he hated women because he actually adored there company more so than men but being here within this constricted space in the bunker and under such immense psychological pressures, he had felt that his well-organised sanity was slowly beginning to leave him.
He had gone on to tell the Chaplin that being surrounded by nothing but worn torn males, there smells and there numerous idiosyncrasies had almost driven these forbidden desires of his to a maddening point of no return. His mind was now constantly plagued with sordidly dark sexual thoughts of deviant nature and they had almost become all-consuming with their relentless pursuit of that which was unattainable. The carefully listening Chaplin had listened to him intensely about all these sensitive issues and reassured him of the teachings of the Bible and God’s laws which taught forgiveness in such complex matters of the heart.
Although Sweeney was terribly grateful for both his relieving words and the feeling of an unseen weight being lifted from his tired shoulders, he also challenged them because he argued that he was created this way and did not see why he should ask for forgiveness for whom he was. This slightly uncomfortably disagreement upon the scripture’s reasoning behind the sensitive topic of forgiveness had apparently had the undesired effect of pushing the Chaplin away and he never again spoke to Sweeney about such private matters. In fact this deeply sensitive conversation had apparently frightened off the Chaplin altogether and back into other fields of interest within the bunker, causing him to refocus his attentions back upon the unit which faced death every day.
The uncomfortable Chaplin had even gone to the extraordinary lengths to only speak with Sweeney whilst in the presence of others and actively now avoided him, pretending to be busy with others but always being extremely polite about his apparently accidental absence. This unusual behaviour had initially immensely saddened the young Sweeney and made him feel even more depressed about himself and his sexuality because he had finally opened up this most secretive part of himself only to be hurt and rejected by both the Chaplin but his beloved God. This immense sadness soon morphed into a distain and disregard for the religious man and his teachings and he eventually began to hate him for also abandoning their frequently uplifting lunch meetings in the canteen.
By not meeting him anymore and actively taking away this last pleasurable experience of normality from him, the sensitive Sweeney felt abandoned and like a forsaken infected victim of some unknown contagious disease that conveniently lay deep within its earth tomb and was pleasantly out of sight and out of mind. Irrationality started to consume the young medical students mind as well as a feeling of foolishness for ever opening up to the man of God and as the weeks wore arduously on, his initial attraction towards the caring Chaplin changed into something more hateful.
He would often silently reprimand himself for being so foolish as to open up so willingly to the obvious charlatan and was relieved that he had not divulged his morphine habit to the scheming man of God, whom he suspected would have instantly told the officers about his unforgivable betrayal and sent him on the next suicide charge on the muddy battlefield above. All the times that
he had been concerned over the Chaplin’s safety after he had not seen him in a while where beginning to plague his conflicted mind because he had honestly felt a connection with this man, an unspoken sensitivity of concern for his wellbeing only for him to have now betrayed their friendship after discovering his dark secret.
This irrational emotional was confirmed one day at breakfast within the canteen when he saw the Chaplin at another table talking to a young and rather handsome Scandinavian looking solider. Upon viewing this troubling spectacle of seeing himself being replaced by another, it resulted in him having a sleepless night that was filled with overwhelming sensations of jealousy, rage and betrayal. He was not used to exhibiting such powerfully negative emotions and therefore did not know how to process there chaotic nature because he had never had any reason to exercise emotional control over them before.
The very next day however he had pushed these disturbingly volatile emotions far out of his mind by using his gasmasks secret stash of morphine and was old enough to realise that his immature feelings for the Chaplin where never to be reciprocated. He accepted this depressing outcome and decided to diligently immerse himself back within his medical studies in order to exercise some measure of control over his internal emotional volatility. His three previous medical mentors had all unfortunately died in quick succession which had left only him on duty whilst his ever present nurse attendant had been sent to the front line only yesterday, regardless of his numerous protests to the bunkers cabal of conniving officers. He did not concern himself with worrying about his missing colleague because he knew that the nurse would be dead by morning and that the moment of saving him had past when his objections where not heard.
The blighted war was going badly for the allies because of the German Kaisers new front that had cunningly just opened up north of their position, stretching the already limited resources of the bunker to breaking point. This new front had systematically drained the bunker of all its new men, leaving just the essential staff as more men where desperately needed in the muddy wastelands that lay just beyond the unseen surface. The empty bunker was now almost devoid of any life as only a few frightened individuals with lost and vacant eyes sporadically passed him in the earthy hallways, trembling with dread as they did so whilst they nervously clutched their firearms.
Sweeney tried to ignore their plight by answering with his distinctively well practiced false smile as he tentatively made his way through the rumbling earth and towards the make shift morgue and infirmary. He consciously flooded his mind with trivial matters as a self defence mechanism against the foreboding anxiety which now tangibly saturated the bunker, such as about how the lighting was never good as a few lights went out, causing all within the earthy hallway to stop in a terrifying darkness as the bulbs that lined the earth walls flickered off and on.
As Sweeney and the other lost looking soldiers anxiously awaited silently for the merciful lights to reappear as they flickered in and out of life, he cleverly pondered how he could acquire more mirrors to enhance the solitary light within the morgue. He refused to think about the death that was awaiting him above because that’s what all the other scared looking soldiers were thinking about around him and was determined to take his mind of the maddening thoughts of one’s fragile mortality. He came to the conclusion that the only solution to his light problem was the familiar one of taking the supplies from the newly missing bunker staff and utilizing there personal effects to create more light and, even though it saddened him to think about such a topic, he had already taken the nurses mirror because he knew he would never be returning for it.
The flickering lights then haphazardly retuned and allowed the statically few relieved men that lined the earthy hallway to continue diligently upon there nightly tasks. Just as Sweeney was about to enter the make shift morgue and infirmary the same lost looking solider whom he had just passed in the hallway tapped him on the back. The traumatised looking young man then gave the startled Sweeney a note before rushing back down the empty hallway and into the concealing shadows. The surprised Sweeney looked on as the unknown solider hastily disappeared into the flickering lights before he apprehensively opened up the letter and read its alarming contents:
For Attention: Francis E Sweeney, Medical Officer
You are hereby ordered to take part in the early morning charge at 06:00am along with your unit’s Chaplin. Your replacement will arrive at 07:00am so rest assured that the unit will continue to flourish even without your invaluable presence. Please ensure that you have all the required equipment and know that this final push against the accursed Kaiser and his krout army will succeed because we have God on our side. We are jealous of your noble endeavour.
May God be with you…
Unit Officers
The despondent Sweeney crumpled the paper note within his hand and gritted his teeth together as he slowly entered the curtained door of the make shift morgue and infirmary. He knew that this time was inevitably coming but the sudden shock of now having the actual time of his ultimate demise did not dampen his turbulent emotions that now raged within his mind and only made them more pronounced. He never knew that his mind could put up with so much heightened anxiety over such a prolonged period of time and was shocked at how the polar opposite emotions of sadness, dread, fear and hate all seemed to feed from one another as he trembled within the curtained doorway.
He was sad at the life he would now loose, not finding his potential true love or unrestrained happiness and never being able to watch the sun set on the magnificent pyramids of Egypt that he had so longed to visit. He could not help but cry as he thought about never seeing his beloved cousin again and secretly wished that life had taken a different course for the both of them. As the reluctant tears came flooding from his eyes he slowly walked over to the two filthy sheeted bodies that grimly greeted him and his unhidden sadness upon entering the room.
The earthy walls shook again as the single flickering gas lantern that limitedly lit up the soil room, swung precariously from its wooden beam overhead. The sporadic light ominously lit up the silver cross which religiously was hung upon the vibrating soil wall and the two white sheeted victims, the nearby medical cabinet and the limited medical equipment that was located by the feet of the two bodies. The crying and defeated Sweeney then sat down on a wooden chair in between the two separated bodies and placed his head in his hands, feeling sad for all the sights and uncountable experiences that he would now miss and adamant that there was no hope left. He felt foolish for trying to ignore the reality of his hopeless situation and was so troubled that he even said a silent prayer to the God whom he had always ridiculed and scoffed at, desperate for any timely spiritual intervention that would help him escape the cruel fate that had consumed so many others before him.
He then paused this self-sorrow as he looked at the two sheeted victims of the latest German attack, eager to get his mind away from the troubling reality that was now his hopeless life. The make shift infirmary had utilised the full spectrum of his emotions of late from elation of hearing a shell pass harmlessly overhead to the joy of saving a young soldiers life with a speedy amputation. The constant trauma of seeing colleagues painfully die before his eyes and knowing that he could have blessed them with morphine to take away their immense pain only added to his despondent self-loathing. The sorrow of being informed about his own impending doom had dramatically changed his view of these static corpses that now lay before him so much so in fact that he looked at them within a new light during this darkest of hours. They appeared to be more at peace now than ever before, not troubled by the wearily unimportant aspects of a pointless war and seemingly blissfully asleep within the ether domains where they now resided.
The tired Sweeney then wiped away the fresh tears from his eyes and was glad to have his troubled mind preoccupied with the two unknown individuals before him. As he calmed down and self-reprimanded himself for allowing himself to lose his otherwise impervious public façade
to the sadness that now filled him, he slowly lifted back the sheet of one of the dead men and carefully cleaned away the dried blood and dirt that covered his face. He was surprised to see that it was the same newly arrived good looking and young Scandinavian individual whom he had seen talking to the Chaplin only a few days previously. The very same individual whom had made him irrationally lose his self-control over his jealous emotions with regard to the Chaplin whom had willingly now been ignoring him.
He then removed the sheet entirely and grimly inspected the naked man’s badly battered and bruised body, eager to determine what had killed the handsomely young man so quickly. He soon discovered that German shrapnel had pulverised all the bones within both his legs and riddled the rest of his body with shrapnel, some of which mercilessly entered both his heart and lungs. To the depressed Sweeney this was yet further proof of the malevolent God that he so hated because this proved that if he was indeed real, he did not intend this unfortunate person to live beyond this day due to the multitude of life ending injuries he possessed. He momentarily speculated at the crimes someone so young could have committed to have deserved such a cruelly tragic end but then stopped himself as tiredness crept upon his weary eyes.
Strangely he had then fallen asleep on a wooden chair whilst viewing the young man’s corpse, his head resting upon his naked chest as he drifted helplessly into the netherworld of dreams. He was oddly comforted by the handsome dead man’s impressive physical frame and easily drifted to sleep as he lay his head directly upon his perfectly created chest. It was as though his frantic mind had begged his body to escape this miserable existence for fear of seeing more dreadful trauma and wanting destruction of beautifully virgin lives. He had intended to stay awake upon this last night of his life and possibly plan a clever act of desertion but the tiredness of the extreme day had cunningly caught up with him at this most inconvenient of times.
The Noir Evil Page 57
