by Davis, L. D.
“Even if you’re right, it’s none of your business,” I said acidly and with finality. I gave her one last look of irritation and started out of the room. I was going to say over my shoulder “And we’re having our fucking movie night and our fucking popcorn,” but she spoke first and stopped me in my tracks.
“It is my business,” she said.
I turned slowly. Patience. Gone. Emmy still loved Kyle Sterling. She had admitted before that she would always care about him and I learned to live with that. But now she was all but shouting her undying love for him and it sickened me and stabbed me in the heart.
“Why, Em? Why is it your business what happens between Lily and Kyle?”
“Until he knows that I have forgiven him, truly forgiven him, he will never forgive himself and he will never go back to her.”
I moved towards her. Her eyes worried, but she didn’t shrink back. She held her ground, even though I looked as pissed off as I felt. I was holding it again, trying not to yell at her.
“You forgive him? You forgive that asshole for what he did to you and Lucas? For what he could have done?”
She closed her eyes for a moment. “Yes, I do, and I know you can’t understand that either.”
Damn right I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t fathom it. He had beaten her. He could have killed her. He could have killed Lucas. He fucking broke her. And she was going to stand there and tell me she forgave him. Caring for and loving someone sometimes can’t be helped. The human heart works strangely that way sometimes. But forgiveness is an act of free will. You can choose to forgive or to not. She chose to forgive.
“Are you trying to just get back at me for what happened with Iris?” I asked her softly. Was that it? Was she just trying to hurt me as I had hurt her?
“I’m not trying to get back at you for what happened with Iris, I promise,” she said, holding her hands together in a plea. “But I can’t pretend that Lily didn’t come here today.”
“I can,” I snapped.
“You’re not that heartless, Luke! You’re not. You can’t pretend you didn’t see her round belly and you can’t pretend that everything is going to be okay for her without Kyle. You don’t know the things she’s been through in the past. She needs him.”
My eyes closed. She was right. I had no idea what Lily had been through in her life, but I couldn’t dismiss the deep pain that seemed to be engrained in her eyes. She put on a tough act, but something or someone long before Kyle had scarred her. I thought about Emmy and her scars. I may not be able to understand it, but Lily obviously thought enough of Kyle to come all the way to Chicago, and maybe she thought he was the salve that could heal her. I disagreed. I believed he would only eventually break her as he had broken Emmy, but both women seemed to see something I couldn’t see. Maybe because it wasn’t there.
Lily was pregnant with Kyle’s baby, and she looked like she needed him. I didn’t know what had happened between them, and I still didn’t think it was Emmy’s place to get involved, but if the roles were reversed and I needed Emmy and Kyle was the one that could give her to me, wouldn’t I have jumped at the opportunity?
“What can you possibly do to help them?” I found myself saying.
We stared at one another for a long time. I had to brace myself, because Emmy was going to do something I didn’t want her to do, but I couldn’t lock her up and hold her back. I had to reach deep and trust that she would act rationally and believe that she loved our family and would do nothing to jeopardize it.
“I made a few phone calls and tracked Kyle down,” Emmy said. “He’s not in London like Lily thought. He’s in Philly, but she doesn’t know that yet.”
“Okay,” I said, feeling more and more uneasy.
She walked over to me and held out her hands for Kaitlyn who was starting to get a little cranky. I passed her the baby and sat down on the bed again. Emmy sat down beside me and quickly adjusted herself so she could feed Kay.
“I’m going to Philly,” she said quickly and then looked at me for my response.
I knew she wasn’t going to Philly for a cheesesteak or to visit her old friends. She was going to Kyle. I wasn’t surprised, not really, but it still hit me hard, and it showed.
Emmy reached out with her free hand and gently rubbed my cheek with the back of her hand.
“I love you,” she said earnestly. “You have to trust me.”
“I trust you, Em,” I said, my voice hoarse. “It’s very easy to find yourself standing on the wrong side of the line without ever meaning to cross it.” This wasn’t the first time Donya’s words had slapped me or Emmy in the face.
One single tear escaped from her eye. “We are both painfully aware of that fact, Luke,” she whispered. She turned her attention back to Kaitlyn and adjusted her hold on her while I sat there with my head hung and my regrets bouncing off of the bedroom walls.
“I won’t stay long,” she said softly, running her hand lovingly over Kaitlyn’s head. “Lily’s baby needs her father, and…I think once Kyle gets past our past, he and Lily can be very happy together.” She smiled, but the smile was sad. “I am two hundred percent sure that he loves her far more than he has ever loved me.”
She looked back at me. “You believed I was worth fixing, Luke. Even after I kept Lucas from you and broke your heart. You are a man of the law. You have represented criminals before. Did you believe they were worthy of being redeemed?”
This wasn’t fair for her to use my work against me. I defended them with a personal detachment. They weren’t the woman I loved or the man that had broken her.
“I believed under the care of the legal system that they could be redeemed,” I answered evasively.
She cocked her head to the side. “There is more to redemption than a stint behind bars and you know it,” she said. “You know that redemption is deeper than that. Redemption isn’t serving your time without trouble. Redemption is coming to your senses and seeing clearly the people you have hurt and feeling deep regret and giving up anything and everything to take back what you have done. You point no fingers, you make no excuses, but you take on the entire weight of the pain that you have caused, even if it means it will crush you. That’s redemption,” she finished sharply.
I hated Kyle Sterling, but my wife was…amazing. Her words penetrated me to the core. Not because I felt that Kyle Sterling was worthy of redemption, but because I knew that Emmy had spoken from experience, and she had been redeemed. I knew that she was stronger than ever before and level headed, and she knew her heart. She would not stray.
But still…
“Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind?” I asked her.
“If you told me not to go, I wouldn’t,” she said carefully. “I respect you, Luke, but I am hoping you won’t do that.”
And there it is. The final decision was left in my hands. What would I do with it?
Chapter Thirty-Two
Of course I let her go. I didn’t have to like it, and though I trusted Emmy I was on edge the moment she stepped through security at the airport and out of my reach. I had vowed to never let her go anywhere without me again, but there she was, walking away from me to go save Kyle Sterling from himself.
I went home to my kids. Diana was kind enough to show up early in the morning so I could take Emmy to the airport. It was still fairly early when I returned. Lucas was still asleep, but Kaitlyn was up and ready for the day to start, at least for a couple of hours before she would be ready for one of many naps. I needed a nap myself. I must have looked as tired as I felt, because Diana told me to go to bed, that she’d stay with the kids a few more hours.
“I owe you big time,” I said to her as I trudged up the stairs.
“You sure do,” she said.
I kicked my shoes off and fell into bed fully clothed. Emmy and I hardly slept at all during the night. After the kids were in bed, we sat up talking. She gave me a background story on Lily that left me cringing for the woman. She should
n’t have driven all the way out here by herself so far in her pregnancy considering her past history. She had apparently lost a baby around the same time many years ago. I hardly knew Lily and even tried to pretend her problems didn’t matter, but like Emmy said, I wasn’t that heartless.
When Emmy started to tell me what she had learned about Kyle, I had stopped her. I didn’t want to know about his childhood and his mommy and daddy issues, and I didn’t think it was my place to know. I understood why Lily felt the need to tell Emmy, but I did not need to know. I did ask her why Kyle left Lily, however. That was unacceptable. I didn’t expect him to stay with her if he didn’t really want her, but he should have been around for his child. Period. When Emmy told me that Kyle had sought out and then seen pictures and video of what he did to her, and that it ‘undid’ him, I was…shaken…into silence.
I always believed that Kyle never really took full responsibility for his actions. I truly believed that he was much more aware of what he was doing when he did it than what he claimed. When he met me at the muffin shop and tried to get me to beat the shit out of him, I still didn’t think he was taking full responsibility. I strongly believed he was only trying to ease his conscious. I could argue that he sought out the photos and video because he was a sadist, but even I wouldn’t go so far as to make that claim. Despite how I felt about it, I really believed he loved Emmy, and even though he had hurt her, I couldn’t see him wanting to sit down and relive the experience.
I am not a professional psychiatric profiler. I could not say for sure that Kyle Sterling wasn’t a crazy son of a bitch that got off on hurting women, but as far as I knew, before Emmy he had hurt no one and no one after her. I was forced to believe that he truly did not remember very much about that night, that he really had been in a drug induced rage that blacked out any reasonableness. I was forced to believe that he had not meant to break Emmy’s wrist in Miami, and I had to believe that he had not meant to beat her.
I am not a naturally ignorant man. I sometimes purposely blind myself to things I don’t want to see and deafen my ears to words I do not want to hear, but that is willful ignorance. Though my education did not focus on drugs and the chemical reactions it causes in the brain and body, I know that many drugs alter the mind so significantly that a person can go from normal to monster in zero to sixty seconds. Finally, I gave him a little bit of credit. He had not hurt Emmy on purpose, and I had to give him credit for seeking out the evidence of what he had done. I wasn’t the one that had done the damage, but it made me want to vomit to even consider seeing that proof. I felt sickened in the past for causing emotional damage. I couldn’t imagine how it must feel for Kyle to know what he knew or see what he had seen. He must have feared he would do the same to Lily, and left to protect her and the baby.
With that said, I didn’t then, and I do not now forgive him. He still had choices before he ever laid a hand on Emmy. He could have chosen not to do drugs. He could have chosen rehab. There were probably more choices he could have made that I am unaware of. I had a better understanding of the circumstance, but I did not take away his accountability. His breaking of Emmy was not just physical, but it was emotional and mental and reached deep into her soul. He could have chosen to leave her alone before their relationship ever began, but then there were many choices I could have made, too regarding Emmy…
But, as Emmy would say, it is what it is. We have each other and two perfect children. I am not sure if any altering in our past decisions would have leaded us to the current life we share. If we had to go through all of it again to reach our pre-Iris days, I’d do every bit of it again.
I went to sleep with Emmy’s soft scent on my pillow. I felt uneasy, but I trusted her. One hundred percent.
*~~~*
“There’s a problem,” Emmy said in a hushed tone.
I sucked in a large amount of air into my lungs as my uneasiness nearly exploded.
It was a little before noon in Chicago, nearly one there in Philly. I had stayed in bed until about ten. I woke up briefly when Emmy called to tell me she had landed and was on her way to Kyle’s. I had to swallow the nervousness I felt about what she was about to do, but I didn’t keep her on the phone to make her second guess herself. I forced myself to sleep again, though I kept waking up until I gave up. I had relieved Diana and was fixing lunch for Lucas while Kaitlyn napped when Emmy called.
When she said there was a problem, I almost dropped the knife I was holding to make Lucas a peanut butter sandwich. Had I done the wrong thing by letting her go? All kinds of unimaginable ideas rushed through my head.
“What’s the problem?” I asked after some hesitation.
“Hold on,” she murmured and I heard a muffled brief conversation and movement. It sounded like she was walking and then the background noise changed. It sounded like she was outside now.
“Where are you?” I asked her. I tried to concentrate on finishing the peanut butter sandwich.
“I’m at Lily’s bar – or diner – pub - whatever, but she’s missing, Luke,” she sighed deeply. “I don’t have a lot of time to talk. Vic took her. He just took her,” she said and sounded close to panic, which made me panic. I had no idea who the hell Vic was or why he took Lily, but if it made Emmy panic, then I knew it was a serious situation.
“Emmy, what…” I didn’t know what questions to ask. “Was she taken or did she just…leave?”
“Listen to me,” she cried out. I heard her take a deep breath and then her words were hurried. “Vic used to work in my bar. He was obsessed with Lily. She stopped here at the bar for some reason this morning, but Vic had broken in and then he took her and I think I know where he took her. I think she’s in labor, Luke. She grabbed her belly like she was in pain right before he took her. We’re going to go find her. We’re leaving in couple of minutes.”
“You’re not going anywhere!” I said much louder than I meant to. Kaitlyn startled awake and began crying and Lucas looked at me worriedly.
“I can’t let him go alone,” Emmy argued. “He won’t behave reasonably and he’ll kill Vic and then he’ll go to prison and then my trip would have been for nothing.”
“Let someone else go with him, Emmy,” I said firmly. “You’re walking into a dangerous situation. Let the police handle this.”
“We’re working on that, but it turns out that’s more complicated than you would think,” she said bitterly. “I’m going with him.”
“I am telling you no,” I said as I angrily cut the sandwich up into four pieces.
There was a moment of silence on the other end. I poured Lucas a cup of milk and sat it in front of him at the table. I ruffled his hair and forced a smile for him so he would relax some. I picked Kaitlyn up in my arms and rocked her.
“I…I can’t just walk away,” Emmy said softly.
“You can get hurt,” I said angrily, which didn’t help to settle my kids. “If he ever really loved you, Emmy, he wouldn’t let you go with him.”
“He’s already tried to stop me,” she growled.
“Good! Finally, he has done something that makes sense!”
“Luke,” Emmy said my name with a loud sigh. “I love you and I respect you as I said last night, but I’m going.”
“Damn it, Emmy,” I said in frustration. “I would have been better off if you didn’t call me and tell me you’re willingly walking your ass into danger.”
“Stop cursing in front of the kids,” she said softly. “Kyle’s coming. I have to go. Calm down. You’re scaring the baby.”
“Is there anything I can say to stop you?” I pleaded.
“No,” she said sadly. “Not on this. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. He won’t let anything bad happen to me.”
“He let something bad happen to her,” I spat.
I heard a muffled conversation again and then Emmy said “I love you. I’ll call you soon.”
“I love you, too,” I said grudgingly. “If you get hurt or killed, there isn’t anything in this worl
d that will protect Kyle Sterling from me.”
“I would expect no less,” she said, and then the line went dead.
*~~~*
Before we moved into our house, I had a sound system installed in the house. Whatever music I turned on in the living room could be heard throughout the house. Em and I liked to argue over what playlist to play. After many arguments and physical wrestling matches over whose iPod should be docked to the sound system, together we put together one long playlist full of songs we agreed upon. We named the playlist ‘LukeEm’. I was listening to the playlist a couple of hours after she announced she was running head first into danger. I had Kaitlyn strapped to me in a baby harness as Lucas helped me move laundry out of the washer and into the dryer. He was dropping more than a few pieces on the floor in the process, but he was having such a good time doing it, I didn’t have the heart to stop him.
I was glad both kids were awake to keep me distracted. When they were both napping, I couldn’t stop looking at my phone to see if Em had called or texted without me hearing it. I paced the entire first floor, worrying myself to the point of having chest pain. Eventually, I found things to do that needed to be done. I cleaned all three bathrooms. I cleaned all of the windows on the first floor. I started a load of laundry. I dusted and changed the bedding on our bed. By the time the second load of laundry was ready to go into the dryer, Lucas and Kaitlyn were both awake. Just in time, too, because I was on the brink of going crazy from my wandering thoughts and worries.
“Airs Mommy?” Lucas asked as we sat in the living room folding clothes
“Being a hero,” I muttered.
Lucas scratched his head as he looked at me. He had no idea what the hell I was talking about.
“Mommy will be back soon, buddy,” I said and kissed his forehead.
“Kay Kay pwetty,” he said, looking at his sister. That quickly he forgot about his mom, confident, no doubt, that she’ll be home soon like I said.
