by Brooks, Tori
The problem was: Monty, as Lindsay named him, didn’t invoke a fear response in Dev. He was only nervous about venomous snakes. Bryan pointed out Nicholas’s death was irrelevant in this case. A fear of venomous snakes wasn’t a phobia so much as good sense.
Dev watched the snake sit still on the branch and sighed. Dr. Braithewait would be amused by Lindsay’s approach to his phobia. Would she be as amused to learn he supported abstinence and she was a nymphomaniac struggling to suppress her urges because of him? He doubted it. She’d dive right into that one as a major issue to be discussed, and Dev didn’t really want to discuss it. Then she’d want to talk about the bigger issue that he’d been holding back in their sessions by not mentioning that choice tidbit earlier.
He had to tell Braithewait about Monty showing him it wasn’t all snakes he feared. Maybe Lindsay was onto something. He could force the issue and get a rattlesnake.
Dev looked up the requirements for getting a venomous snake, confident there were hoops to jump through. More than a few, it appeared. They didn’t issue a permit to keep a venomous snake as a pet in Massachusetts. Dev sat back and considered the problem.
How bad did he want to do this? Bad enough to be a breeder? He could probably get a permit for that. Yes. It didn’t have to be long term, but for now, he felt he needed to do this. Kenny was going to kill him if this ever got out, Dev realized. He’d have to be careful.
Putting off the permit issue, Dev looked for breeders of venomous snakes. He’d find one and buy out half the business. Then he’d have a reason to have a permit plus someone to show him the ropes.
Glancing at the clock on the screen, Dev decided he didn’t have time for this. But he wanted it, and he should be allowed a little free time to do what he wanted. Besides, it needed to be done. Who knew what Lindsay would come up with next in an effort to be helpful?
And that brought his wandering mind full circle: what to do about Lindsay. He could just give in. Dev wanted to on some level, but the thought made him feel guilty for betraying his mother. Besides, he hated the thought that Flynn was right. And Jess and Kenny. It was a matter of principle and pride now.
Well, Dev thought with a long sigh, he had time. No, Thanksgiving was coming up. She’d be eighteen and he’d be home, so not that much time.
Pushing the unwelcome thought aside, Dev tried to concentrate on his homework. He’d deal with the snake and Lindsay later.
○ ○ ○
Lindsay was beside herself. Dev was coming home. Of course it was Thanksgiving, and his agreement with Flynn was that he’d come back for holidays and breaks. Lindsay even skipped class and visited Flynn while Sophie was at school to verify that deal was still in effect.
He wasn’t fooled for a minute. Flynn sat her down and reminded her of Dev’s ridiculously conservative stance on sex. He fished for any sign Dev was reconsidering relaxing his position, and Lindsay couldn’t offer anything beyond his willingness to allow their make-out sessions. Dev always slammed on the breaks when her hands wandered or she tried to press herself against him just a little more.
Flynn wished her luck and even promised to run interference with Kenny and Jess if she could lure his stepson into his room behind a closed door. Although he made her promise not to push too hard. Flynn seemed to think Dev might have a panic attack if she did a strip tease or gave him a lap dance unless he was already on board with the plan.
She left Dev’s stepfather feeling like he’d backed her into a corner. Flynn just cared about Dev, Lindsay knew that, but she didn’t see him as the kindred spirit she used to.
If Lindsay thought talking to Flynn was hard, it was nothing to when her father called her into his study. Lindsay had no idea what he wanted, but her mother standing beside him with her ‘psychologist face’ on reminded her it was a minefield to navigate their plans when they teamed up.
“Hi, Dad, you wanted to see me?” Lindsay entered the study with a smile. Not that the cheerfully innocent act would last, assuming it still worked at all. On her mom, certainly not; but it still worked sometimes on her dad.
“Lindsay, you’re eighteen and an adult now,” Jack began. “I can’t reasonably interfere in your life, only offer guidance. You’re a smart girl and we can see you’re excited for Dev to come home for Thanksgiving. However, I’d like to remind you that whatever ties you and Dev have that keeps him close, he’s not exactly . . .” he wavered.
“Your father wants to say Devin’s not like you, honey,” Sabrina picked up where Jack faltered. “I know what you’re thinking is going to happen. You’re eighteen, he’s nineteen I believe.”
Lindsay nodded. “He turns twenty April 22nd.”
“Okay, you’re both adults, but you have different ideologies. Honey, you know that,” Sabrina said.
“I know.” Lindsay hesitated. Did she really want to tell them how important this was to her? No.
“It’s been hard for you, hasn’t it?” Jack asked.
Damn, he was in observant-lawyer mode, Lindsay thought and nodded in response.
“Dev and I talked about you and your relationship before the depositions on the paternity suit. I think it was a little awkward for him, with me being your father. But I was also his lawyer, and it helped me find the missing pieces to kill that claim he was sleeping with fans.”
“How?” Lindsay asked, fishing for time more than information. They were interfering, and they couldn’t possibly be saying what she thought.
“Well, to start with, as his girlfriend, you were able to give me a picture of Dev’s behavior and mannerisms that the plaintiff, Gloria Fincher, couldn’t. If she’d spent any time talking to Dev, she would have seen some of that. Also, even in your chaste relationship, you could provide physical descriptions she couldn’t. If she slept with him, she should have been able to at least describe what you did.”
“Dev said you pushed her about his birthmark,” Lindsay said, “but he doesn’t have one.”
Jack smiled. “Gloria didn’t know that. That I asked implied he did. She broke down and confessed when it appeared there was something she clearly should have known and didn’t. He does have a small mole on his chest, that gave me some latitude.
“Now, stop changing the subject. You want a more intimate relationship with Dev.” Her father looked at her sternly, but Lindsay refused to wilt under that gaze like Becky always did.
“I need this, Daddy. I’ve been dying these last couple of years and he only sees part of it. I need him,” Lindsay pleaded. She cursed the tears starting to fall. It wouldn’t help them see her as an adult, although they punctuated her desperation.
“I understand, at least as far as I’m able, honey. I’m not speaking to you as his lawyer, but as your father. I’m fond of Dev, I think he’s good for you. The problem is, Dev may not be ready. You’ve been struggling, I assume. You say you need him to give in to you. He may need you to respect his decision.
“Given that you can’t force him to accept your plans for him this weekend, I suggest a more casual approach. Go ahead and ask him, but if you push, you may push him away. Dev has a tendency to retreat. I can see him running and leaving you with only phone calls and video dates. Can’t you?”
“Be honest with yourself,” Sabrina said. “Don’t think of Dev as you want him to be, think of how he is.”
Lindsay nodded unhappily.
“What’s he going to do, Lindsay?” Jack pushed.
“Message received,” Lindsay said. “I’ve led him this far, but I won’t let him play ostrich with me anymore. He needs to see what it’s costing me. I’m not going to guilt him into caving, don’t worry. But if he wants to make the decision to keep me waiting, he’s going to have all the facts.” Lindsay turned around and walked out before they could respond.
Back in her room, Lindsay considered what was ahead of her. She initially glossed over the seducing Dev part of her plan, just taking it for granted he’d be like other reluctant interests she’d had in the past. Dev knew her thou
gh, he wasn’t going to be the same. He was resistant and forewarned. In fact, he probably knew what was on her mind just as sure as her parents did.
Lindsay wondered how Dev felt about it.
The following Wednesday night, Dev knocked on her door.
“Dev!” Lindsay squealed and threw her arms around his neck. She felt ridiculous for the squeal of happiness, but Dev seemed to like it. He laughed and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her off the ground and kissing her lightly on the cheek.
“Missed you,” Dev said, setting her lightly back on her feet.
Lindsay kissed him softly. “Missed you too. I didn’t expect you tonight.” Taking his hand, she led him downstairs to the family room. It was empty. Becky apparently decided to let Lindsay have some privacy instead of hanging around and chatting code. She’d have to remember to thank her. Dev sat on the sofa and Lindsay snuggled on his lap.
“Yeah. Flew in, the guys picked me up so we got our hellos out of the way. Only Jess had water balloons this time. He threw one and a security guard confiscated the rest. It was pretty funny. I figured I’d come over here and spend a little time with you.”
Dev kissed her gently, Lindsay responded and increased the passion just a little. She was pretty sure he suspected what she wanted, and she’d been worrying about it for a couple of weeks. Maybe Dev decided he was okay with this. She elicited promising physical reactions from him in the past, just before he backed away.
Sliding a hand down across his chest, Lindsay pressed her breasts against him. Shortly after this was when Dev usually called it off. Lindsay almost screamed when Dev broke the kiss and took her wayward hand in his.
“Lin, I love you. You know that,” Dev whispered.
“But you’re not going to give me another birthday present,” she sighed.
“Want some chocolate?” He laughed. He sent her roses again for her birthday, eighteen dozen of them. They filled the house and her room, the smell was amazing. Dev also sent a small box with a pink diamond cut into a heart. A ring. It matched the necklace, earrings, and bracelet he’d already given her, but she didn’t expect a ring. There wasn’t an explanation, just a birthday card. Lindsay wasn’t exactly sure how much to read into it, but took it as a good sign overall.
“No, thank you.” She leaned over to kiss him again, just a delicate, glancing brush of her lips against his. He usually froze on kisses like that, like they somehow touched him deeper than the passionate ones did.
Dev stopped laughing. He watched her with those big green eyes she loved so much.
“I know what you want, Lin,” he said softly. A hand reached up to brush her hair away from her face.
“And?”
“I can’t.”
Lindsay nodded. “Can’t. Not that you aren’t ready, or you don’t want to; you can’t?”
Dev sighed. “Baby, I do want to. It’s hard for me, I can’t image what it’s like for you. And every time we get close, I feel Mom watching me. I should be overcome with passion and love, instead it’s guilt.”
Lindsay thought about that. Tonight was a no-go, that was for sure. He admitted it was hard for him and gave an indication he knew it was harder for her. That was a start. Christmas wasn’t far, she could lay the groundwork now.
“Have you talked to your shrink about this?” Lindsay asked. Dev looked at her like she’d just suggested something shocking.
“No. Are you serious?”
“Dev, what the hell is she there for if not to help you? Shyness is one thing. Your snake phobia thing is another. Losing your parents –”
“Nicholas. Thanksgiving reminds me of Nicholas dying. And a little of Flynn’s twins chasing me around that first year they were here. Now they just sit back and stare at me.”
“So that’s something else you should be talking through with her. I know you’re having a hard time with this, with my past. Making what I am reconcile with who you are. Dev, honey, you can talk to me about those other things and you know I’ll listen and help you wherever I can, but you need an outside, impartial opinion on your feelings for me.”
Lindsay said a silent prayer that she had anything close to an accurate feel for Dev’s shrink, even though all her information was second hand. Surely the woman would see Dev was repressing his desires, normal healthy urges, because of guilt.
“You want me to tell Dr. Braithewait I’m dating a nymphomaniac? Tell her your story?”
“Yes. See what she says about your guilty feelings. How to reconcile your stance on ‘not unless we’re married’ with my need to express our love physically.”
Dev looked horrified. Lindsay wondered if she went too far. She kissed him again, another sweet, chaste kiss to give him something different to think about: it was for her. She was the one asking for him to do this.
“Lin, I can’t –”
“If you don’t, I’ll go to Flynn and tell him and have him pass it on to her. Braithewait’s going to find out one way or another. You’re withholding, that’s counterproductive in therapy.”
“I learned it from you, if you recall.”
“Maybe, but that’s me. I’ve been in therapy most of my life. Dev, you can’t fix me, not completely. You’ve given me strength, but it’s not the same. I’m still just suppressing the urges and I feel like I’m going to explode. I love you. You tell me you love me and I believe it; but when you’re not right here with me, it fades and I have doubts and bad dreams and I . . . I’m losing my grip on this.”
Dev looked at her a moment. “Are you withholding? You’re still in therapy, right? Weekly? Did you tell your shrink this?”
Lindsay nodded. “I did and she’s empathetic, but it’s not really helping. She knows that too.”
Dev nodded unhappily.
“Dev, please?”
He took a deep breath and gave her a curt nod. “All right. I’ll tell her.”
○ ○ ○
Dev had a difficult time coming clean with his psychologist about Lindsay. He’d been withholding information the entire time he’d been working with her. To combat the guilt he was going to feel over that, he worked hard to find a reptile breeder that specialized in rattlesnakes and other venomous snakes in his area. It was harder than it sounded. Massachusetts had some over-the-top strict laws about exotic animals. He finally gave up and invested in a struggling company in Rhode Island. They were more than happy to teach him how to handle the snakes. Dev had a mild panic attack every time he thought about it, but was determined to do it anyway. He just wasn’t sure if he was going to tell Dr. Braithewait.
When he couldn’t put it off any longer, Dev walked into his psychologist’s office to tell her a secret he’d been holding onto for years, while now holding onto another one. Dev was pretty sure there was something wrong with him. He was a pathological secret-keeper. Not that it seemed to fool Dr. Braithewait for a second.
“Devin.” Dr. Braithewait sighed when he’d finished. She let him talk without interrupting. Now she just sat there like she was somehow disappointed and tired. Disappointed he supposed he understood, but tired?
“Yeah?”
“Am I correct in assuming Lindsay prompted you to tell me all this when you saw her over Thanksgiving break?”
“Um, yeah.”
“And yet here we are, two days before you leave for Christmas break. Why did you wait?”
Dev gaped at her. Not why wait two years, but why wait a month? Really? “What?”
“Was it because you’re going to have to face her in two days? Or is there more that you’re not telling me? The truth now.”
Dev’s defiance wilted. “Both. Can we focus on the first one?”
She let one blond eyebrow quirk upward.
“Please?”
“Is the other thing time sensitive?”
“No.”
“Can we discuss it when you come back?”
Dev’s shoulders sagged into his chair and he nodded. “You won’t like it.”
“I’m
sure. We’ll schedule that for January then. I can’t wait to see what sort of mischief you’ve whipped up.”
“I’m pretty sure you’ll change your mind.” Dev stared at the ceiling. She was going to run him through the ringer when she found out he wanted to play with rattlesnakes because his mother’s best friend got bit by one and died. Actually, she already knew about Nicholas and his resulting phobia.
“Oh good, that promises to be interesting. Now, back to Lindsay. Leave it to you to find the most fascinating girlfriend,” Dr. Braithewait began. Dev cringed.
Chapter Fourteen
Lindsay wanted to scream in frustration. Why, if she loved Dev and he loved her, did he make her constantly want to pull her hair out?
Christmas was torture. Beyond torture.
Dev told Dr. Braithewait about Lindsay, about her past, her current problem, and the problem that left them to figure out. His values versus her needs. He told her about his guilty feelings every time they let things physically warm up, even just a little bit.
As Lindsay hoped, Dr. Braithewait zeroed right in on those guilty feelings and started working diligently to get Dev past them. Unfortunately she also said Lindsay needed to review her own therapy and not pressure Dev to reexamine his moral stance. What an old-fashioned shrew! Lindsay stomped around her bedroom wishing she could get satisfaction from throwing things.
Fine, she thought, throwing herself on her bed. She was the one on the spot now, so she had to shake up her therapy. Again. You’d think, after thirteen years, something would have helped. Something besides Dev. Whatever. She’d give it a go because she loved him and his doctor told her to.
So Lindsay tried. She tried to adjust her mindset. She tried not to even look at the boys at school, most of whom realized she was no longer available. She went faithfully to group therapy and honestly participated. Not that she wasn’t going faithfully and honestly participating before, but she really threw herself into it.
She didn’t tell Dev about the three times she’d ‘slipped’ in the past couple of years while he was away at college. He didn’t ask and didn’t want to know. And she had a breakdown when she slipped again just after Valentine’s Day. At least she knew her partner, Ruby’s cousin from California, would keep quiet about it. But that it happened when the flowers he sent her were still in bloom bothered Lindsay more than the actual affair.
