You Said Forever

by Susan Lewis

  On the other hand, was keeping her shut up in the house any kind of an answer?

  Polly’s blog: I wish I could offer advice to all of you who’ve responded to this blog. I hadn’t realised there were so many adoptive parents trying to find their way. If you’re lucky enough to find the right professional, you’re definitely in with a chance. For those who haven’t managed that yet, all I can tell you is to keep remembering how young and blameless your adopted child is. I know how hard it is at times, especially when you see your other children suffering. It’s my biggest concern, how all this is going to affect their development. I can already see my youngest withdrawing, keeping her eyes down when she has no reason to, and my son, aged four, is starting to misbehave too. He and Roxanne had the most terrible fight last night. It took all our strength – me and my husband – to pull them apart. Everyone ended up in tears, then suddenly, out of the blue, we were laughing. What was funny? I’ve no idea, it’s just the way it happened.

  It scares me to think of what Roxanne might be capable of.

  Chapter Four

  ‘Mummy! It’s Daddy!’ Cooper shouted excitedly, and zooming out across the terrace he practically flew over the lawn to greet his father, who was striding up through the Reserve Chardonnay vines with Will.

  As Cooper hurled himself into Anthony’s arms Charlotte couldn’t help but smile to see how affectionately and effortlessly Anthony swung him into the air, before settling him on his shoulders. There was always a different feeling about the place when Anthony was there; it seemed more alive, more complete, safer, as though a cliff edge had suddenly retreated, or looming disasters had vanished into the hills.

  How very different he was today from when they’d first met. Then he’d been a tall, suave and very good-looking lawyer, with neat dark hair, a cleanly shaven chin and the sternest grey eyes she’d ever seen. Now he was as rugged as any farmer with silver flecks in his shaggy hair, an almost permanent shadow on his chin and eyes that had seemed slightly softer since the children had been born. His muscular limbs and strong, lean face were as tanned as Charlotte had ever seen them, and in his usual khaki shorts, dusty polo shirt and leather sandals he was more attractive now than he’d ever been.

  It had taken Zoe Reynolds’s arrival at Tuki River to remind her of just how much she loved and desired her husband; not that she’d forgotten, but they’d been so busy building this place up. Perversely, Zoe’s presence had made her anxious, and distant, as though she was punishing him for comparing her with Zoe and finding her lacking. There had been no actual evidence to say he was thinking that way, unless she counted the fact that he’d become more distant too.

  Polly’s blog: I worry about the strain Roxanne’s issues are putting on my confidence, but most of all on my marriage.

  Pushing the recollection aside, Charlotte instantly found herself reflecting on how rarely she and Anthony shared a smile these days. If it happened at all it was always with the children, and he wasn’t with them anywhere near as often as he used to be.

  ‘I saved you some cakes,’ Cooper was telling him in a rush, as they reached the end of the vines and Anthony tipped him on to the grass. ‘I’ll get them. They’re really good. You can have them all.’

  ‘Can’t wait,’ Anthony called after him, and either not noticing Charlotte in the kitchen, or not bothering to, he turned back to Will.

  As they talked Charlotte helped Cooper find a plate and tray for the cakes he’d kept hidden in his bedroom for this very moment, while Rowan sang a Maori song to Elodie as she changed her, and Chloe lay in her hammock engrossed in her iPad. It wasn’t unheard of for Chloe to go running out to Anthony too, but today she’d no doubt assumed that Charlotte had told him about the trouble she was in at school, so she was in no hurry to be scolded or lectured or told what privileges were to be removed.

  She’d taken the ban from poi dancing surprisingly well, which had led Charlotte to wonder if there had been some unpleasantness there as well. It might account for why she’d wanted Charlotte, rather than Rowan, to go with her this evening.

  Hearing a car pulling up outside, Charlotte stepped out on to the terrace in time to see Zoe getting out of the Volvo.

  Why was Zoe driving Anthony’s car?

  Get a grip, she warned herself sharply.

  ‘Hi Will,’ she said, as he and Anthony came on to the terrace. The winemaker was almost as tall as Anthony, about ten years younger, and was quite a favourite amongst the ladies of Hawkes Bay with his surfer’s looks and single status. What a shame he didn’t seem to do it for Zoe.

  ‘Five K of sulphur,’ he was saying into his phone as he gave Charlotte a wave, ‘and three hundred copper.’

  ‘Hi, how are things?’ Anthony asked her, checking his own phone as a text came in. ‘Have you seen my iPad? I thought I took it with me, but I don’t seem to have it now.’

  ‘I’m fine, thank you,’ Charlotte retorted. ‘How are you?’

  His eyes flashed as he glanced at her. ‘I’ll call the hotel,’ he said, ‘maybe I left it there.’

  ‘You hardly ever use it,’ she reminded him.

  Before he could respond Zoe was saying, ‘Hey Charlotte, glad you’re here. I’ve brought my laptop to show you some of Frank Ingershall’s work so you’ll know we’re in safe hands.’

  Charlotte smiled. ‘That’s kind of you,’ she replied, feeling miserably short and plain as the glamorous Zoe stooped to embrace her. She was looking sensational, as usual, in a short, multicoloured spandex dress that showed off her fabulously long legs to mid-thigh, and her equally beautiful arms and shoulders. In fact not very much of her slender, yet shamelessly curvy body was covered up. Charlotte had to wonder if there was anything about herself that Zoe didn’t like, because from where she was standing, with those mesmerising sloe eyes, exquisite cheekbones and tantalisingly full mouth, the woman was a galling example of female perfection.

  ‘Has Tony filled you in on details of the order yet?’ Zoe asked, grimacing awkwardly as she glanced at Anthony. She even looked good when she pulled a face.

  ‘I was just about to,’ Anthony told her. ‘It’s the entire stock,’ he said to Charlotte, ‘but they …’

  ‘Daddy! Here are your cakes,’ Cooper cried, having carefully arranged the plate of Play-Doh confections and a glass of squash on the tray. ‘You have to eat them all up, because I made them myself.’

  Anthony’s eyes were shining as he inspected the delicacies. ‘They look too good for me,’ he declared, turning one over in his hand. ‘I think you should at least help me.’

  ‘They’re not real!’ Chloe shouted from her hammock.

  Cooper spun round. ‘You’re spoiling it!’ he exclaimed angrily. ‘Mummy! She’s spoiling my trick and I kept them all specially.’

  ‘Chloe, be quiet,’ Charlotte ordered.

  ‘I was just saying,’ Chloe retorted sulkily.

  ‘They are real,’ Cooper told his father, eager to get his joke back on track.

  ‘I can see that,’ Anthony assured him, and gamely putting one in his mouth he started to chew.

  ‘Ha ha!’ Cooper cried triumphantly. ‘I got you. Did you see that, Mum? Do you want one, Zoe? You’ll really like them, won’t she Dad?’

  After emptying his mouth into his hand, Anthony said wickedly, ‘She’ll love them. Zoe’s very fond of cake.’

  Slanting him a meaningful look, Zoe took a fake cake and pretended to nibble. ‘Mmm, delicious,’ she told Cooper.

  Delighted, Cooper leapt up and down and almost knocked Elodie over as she beat a wobbly path to her daddy.

  ‘Here’s my little angel,’ Anthony laughed, sweeping her up and planting a noisy kiss on her fat, creamy cheek. ‘And how are you today? Have you been behaving yourself?’

  ‘Daddy,’ she replied happily, clutching his face in her tiny hands.

  Kissing her again, he turned her in his arms and told her to say hello to Zoe.

  ‘Wee,’ she gurgled messily.

  ‘Something
like that,’ Zoe laughed, brushing a finger over her cheek. ‘You’re so adorable, I could eat you all up.’

  ‘Not till you’ve finished my cakes,’ Cooper put in.

  Trying not to sound stiff, and failing, Charlotte said to Anthony, ‘You were telling me about the order.’

  Anthony’s good humour drained.

  ‘I feel terrible,’ Zoe admitted. ‘It wasn’t what I was expecting …’

  ‘But it’s OK,’ he assured her. ‘If we have to sell as cleanskins, that’s what we have to do.’

  ‘Cleanskins?’ Charlotte echoed dismally. ‘Oh god, just what we didn’t want. We’re supposed to be building up the Tuki River brand, how can we do that if there are no labels on the bottles?’

  ‘We can’t,’ Anthony answered shortly. ‘But it’s either that or try to fund storage for another twenty thousand bottles and that we can’t do.’

  ‘So the best part of our 2014 vintage is going to be sold in Australia as a supermarket brand,’ Charlotte stated furiously. ‘I’m guessing we didn’t get a good price either.’

  ‘It could have been worse,’ he retorted tightly, and turning to Will he started walking him back towards the vines, taking Elodie with him.

  ‘Is Daddy cross?’ Cooper asked Charlotte.

  ‘Not with you,’ Charlotte replied, ruffling his hair.

  ‘He liked your cakes,’ Zoe told him, going down to his height.

  Cooper grinned. ‘Don’t tell him,’ he whispered, ‘but they aren’t real.’

  Laughing, Zoe hugged him and watched as he charged after Anthony to join in the manly chat.

  ‘Your children could make me broody,’ Zoe confessed as she followed Charlotte into the house.

  Forcing a smile, Charlotte said, ‘Would you like a drink? We’ve plenty of 2014 Pinot Gris – although apparently not for much longer.’

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ Zoe groaned, perching on one of the bar stools. ‘If I’d known it was going to turn out that way I wouldn’t have set up the tasting.’

  ‘Anthony could always have said he didn’t want to sell,’ Charlotte pointed out, ‘but as you know we’re not in a position to be choosy.’

  Taking the glass of wine, Zoe sipped it and said, ‘It’s a good vintage. It shouldn’t be selling as a cleanskin, but with time not being on our side …’

  ‘Why don’t we just drink to its new incarnation,’ Charlotte interrupted, ‘and feel thankful for the money we’re saving on labels and caps.’

  With a wry smile, Zoe tapped her glass to Charlotte’s and drank again. ‘So tell me about your day,’ she said chattily. ‘When I called Rick earlier he mentioned you’d gone off to the beauty salon.’

  Charlotte grimaced. ‘As you can see, I didn’t quite make it.’

  ‘That’s a shame. We all need spoiling once in a while. So what did you do instead?’

  Glancing over to where Chloe was once again plugged into her iPad, Charlotte said, ‘Believe me, you really don’t want to know.’

  ‘Maybe I do.’

  Charlotte smiled. ‘Shall we look at these photographs?’ she suggested. ‘I think a glossy brochure is a great idea, provided it’s not going to cost us.’

  ‘It won’t, I promise. I’ll just pop back to the car and get my computer. Are you coming to Craggy Range with us later, by the way?’

  Feeling her insides knot, Charlotte said, ‘Rowan has a yoga class so I’m staying with the children.’ She still hadn’t been invited.

  ‘Of course.’ Zoe smiled. ‘I’ll be right back.’

  After she’d gone Charlotte took a large gulp of wine and put a hand to her head as she inhaled deeply. Everything was falling apart. She couldn’t even speak to Anthony without things coming out the wrong way, and he seemed to have so little patience with her that simply being near him was making her feel edgy and angry. She really had to get a better grip on herself, start doing something to turn the situation around or she was going to end up losing him.

  ‘Mum,’ Chloe said, drawing out the word.

  ‘Yes?’ Charlotte replied, sipping more wine as she tried to focus on what the children were going to eat tonight.

  ‘Have you told Anthony yet that I got sent home from school today?’

  Why does she keep saying Anthony? It’s getting right on my nerves. ‘No, not yet,’ she replied.

  ‘Do you have to?’

  Charlotte looked up. ‘Of course I do. You’re not going back, you do realise that don’t you?’

  Chloe’s face tightened. ‘I don’t want to go back, ever.’

  Sensing another scene brewing, Charlotte turned away, trying to think about something else. Out of nowhere she was suddenly saying, ‘What you did to the other girl was wrong. You know that, so I don’t understand why you did it.’

  ‘I didn’t do anything. It was her, not me. I tried to stop her.’

  BED was what Mike Bain called it – blame, excuse, denial. Polly Greenborough had written quite a bit about that too.

  Deciding she had to stop this conversation now, before Zoe came back, or before she did something rash like try to brain Chloe, Charlotte said, ‘Why don’t you come and help me make some tea? We can have pancakes if you like.’

  Seconds of no response ticked by until Chloe decided to tumble out of the hammock and came to start taking eggs from the basket. ‘I don’t want to live here any more,’ she stated, smashing first one, then another egg on the countertop. ‘I want to go back to England where I belong.’

  Pushing her aside to clear the mess, Charlotte said, ‘Be careful I don’t end up sending you there, because the way you’re behaving …’

  ‘What?’ Chloe challenged when Charlotte broke off.

  Charlotte’s head stayed down as she clenched her fists tightly, waiting for a wave of horrible intensity to pass.

  ‘What?’ Chloe demanded again.

  ‘Nothing,’ Charlotte finally managed. ‘Just make the pancakes, and try for once in your life to do it without any more of your stupid talk and backchat.’

  Charlotte didn’t want to read any more of Polly’s blog today. She felt oddly exhausted by it, and disturbed – always disturbed – and even afraid of where it might be going, although in many ways it helped to know that she wasn’t alone in the way she was feeling. There were hundreds, thousands of adoptive parents out there in her position. Had Polly found the answers? Were there going to be all sorts of helpful links and advice in the next few entries? It could be that Polly and her family were living happily together now, or at least more harmoniously. Had her husband stayed? Were her other children finally bonding with Roxanne?

  Maybe she should skip to the end of the blog to find out how Polly had coped; but how was it going to help her if things hadn’t worked out? What was she going to do if something terrible had happened and the Greenboroughs’ lives had changed for ever?

  I’m upstairs in my room now with my music blaring and the door half open, the way Mummy left it, so she can see me when she passes by.

  Who wants to see me?

  Justin Bieber is usually my favourite, but even though he’s playing through the iPod speakers I can’t hear him because I’m listening to YouTube through the headphones plugged into my iPad. I like the funny animals videos best, but the baby ones can be cute, and Taylor Swift and Niki Minaj are really cool. There’s tons of stuff to watch, from music, to dancers, to girls putting make-up on, to dangerous toys and scary tricks, to seriously weird people doing unbelievably weird things. I don’t like seeing weird things very much, they make me feel scared and like I want to go and cuddle up to Mummy to feel safe, except I can’t because she’d go mad if she knew I was watching them.

  They shouldn’t be allowed.

  At the end of each day I have to hand my iPad over to one of my parents so they can check on what I’ve been doing, which is OK, I don’t mind, or not any more, because I have Anthony’s iPad now which lets me do all sorts of things they don’t know anything about.

  Serves them right – they s
houldn’t keep treating me like a baby.

  Last night was the first night I had it. I spent ages watching some American teen girls talking about how to get boyfriends. It was awesome. Not that I want a boyfriend yet, I’m too young, but as soon as I’m old enough I’m going to find someone to marry and get out of here.

  I got myself into some chat rooms after, which was a bit scary and amazing. I didn’t say anything myself, I just ‘listened’ to fashion hints and all sorts of jealous, bitchy stuff, and how to get an eating disorder to help lose weight. After that I went back to YouTube and watched some videos of girls at parties pretending to be strippers. I told some of my friends about it in school this morning, which was what led to all the trouble, because they’d wanted me to show them how it was done, so I tried and they tried too, which was hilarious and I could tell they were really turned on. It would have been all right if someone’s mother hadn’t walked in when she did.

  What wasn’t fair was how I got all the blame, and as far as I know Joel Allan and Wayne Fisk didn’t even get told off for being in the girls’ toilets.

  Later, when I’m sure everyone’s in bed asleep, I’m going to close my door, put a chair against it and go on Anthony’s iPad again to find out what it says about my real parents. Not that I want to see them, or be in touch with them – I can’t if my mother’s dead – but I wouldn’t mind betting there’s a lot about my creepy dad. There might even be a chat room discussing the things he did to me. I’m finding that a bit frightening, but I’m definitely going to try and find out.

  For the time being though I’ll just stay on my own iPad playing my games and videos so I can hand it over to Mummy when she comes in and let her think that when the light goes out Chloe is going to sleep.

  I don’t really think she cares whether or not I’m asleep, just as long as she doesn’t have to put up with me any more today. That’s OK, because I don’t have to put up with her either. Or him, Anthony, who isn’t my daddy but keeps making out like he is.

  I think the real truth is that those horrible creepy people everyone keeps saying are my real parents stole me from some very rich people when I was born and they sent Mummy out to find me, but instead of giving me back she ran away with me and kept me.