You Said Forever

by Susan Lewis

  ‘Did you speak to her about it?’

  ‘Of course, and we’d send her to her room and tell her she couldn’t come out until she learned to behave properly. Then one or other of us would go and have a chat with her to make sure she understood that the way she treated Elodie was wrong.’

  ‘Did it ever occur to you that being sent to her room might have been something her birth father used to do?’

  Charlotte stiffened with surprise. No, it hadn’t occurred to her, but it was almost certain that Brian Wade would have done that. Most parents did. But most parents weren’t like him.

  ‘I’m not trying to make anything of it,’ Julia assured her. ‘Remember, this is just a preliminary chat so I can get a general picture of things. Go on telling me about the ways she acts up.’

  Charlotte glanced down at her hands. ‘It started to get really bad around Elodie’s first birthday. I think Chloe resented all the attention Elodie was getting, and she became so angry with me at the little party we gave that she started kicking and punching me with all her might. It took most of Anthony’s strength to wrestle her upstairs to bed. She was screaming the whole time, mostly gibberish, we had no idea what she was saying, but there was no mistaking her fury. He shut her in her room and she smashed the place up, even toys she liked were broken; some were even destroyed. It was awful, horrifying … We’d seen her angry before, but not as bad as that.’

  ‘How long did it take her to calm down?’

  Charlotte shook her head. ‘It’s hard to remember; there have been so many eruptions since. I guess it usually takes a couple of hours, sometimes until the next morning. Then she carries on as though nothing has happened.’

  ‘So she never refers to the outbursts?’

  ‘Not really. I’ve tried talking to her about them, mainly to find out if she understands how … unusual and frightening they can be, but it runs the risk of tipping her over the edge again so I tend not to press it.’

  ‘How often do they happen?’

  ‘Sometimes two or three times in a week, then she might go for a fortnight before something sets her off again.’

  ‘And in your mind the triggers are …?’

  ‘I think not getting my undivided attention bothers her a lot.’

  ‘Is she the same with Anthony?’

  ‘She’s less likely to turn violent with him, but yes, I think she resents not having his attention too.’

  ‘What sort of things does she say to try and communicate her frustration?’

  ‘She’ll accuse me of not being her real mummy, or that I lied when I told her her real mummy was dead. She reminds Anthony that he’s not her father, she’s even started calling him Anthony instead of Daddy.’

  ‘But she used to call him Daddy?’

  ‘All the time.’

  ‘And this stopped around the time Elodie was born?’

  ‘A few months after.’

  Apparently finding this interesting, Julia made more notes before indicating for Charlotte to continue.

  ‘There have been times,’ Charlotte said, ‘when I’ve found myself thinking of her mother’s mental health problems, and worrying that she might have inherited them.’

  ‘Her mother was a paranoid schizophrenic?’

  Charlotte nodded, and waited as Julia noted that down too. ‘Do you think it’s likely?’ she ventured, her nails biting into her palms.

  ‘I really wouldn’t like to say at this point,’ Julia replied. ‘So tell me about school. She’s been excluded, is that right?’

  ‘We were waiting to hear before we left, but it’s pretty certain it’ll happen. She’s been incredibly disruptive in class, bossy, spiteful with others, and then there’s the … inappropriate behaviour.’

  ‘Of a sexual nature?’

  Charlotte didn’t deny it.

  ‘Does she masturbate regularly?’

  Charlotte’s dismay showed. ‘She’s been teaching the other children how to do it. Boys and girls. So you can understand why a lot of parents have complained. I guess I would if I were in their shoes. These kids are only eight, after all.’

  ‘I’ve come across it in children a lot younger,’ Julia commented, ‘and I’m talking about children who haven’t been abused in the same way Chloe has.’

  Accepting this, Charlotte said, ‘I’m not sure how far she went with Elodie, or Cooper, but I know things happened, and something’s come to light in the last few days. Apparently, my mother found Anthony’s iPad in Chloe’s bedroom. She’s been using it to correspond with someone claiming to be a friend of her father’s. The police are looking into it, but I don’t think there are any leads so far.’

  ‘I presume her father’s still in prison.’

  Charlotte nodded.

  ‘Have you spoken to her about this communication?’

  ‘Not yet. I wanted to talk to you first, to ask for some guidance on the best way to handle it. She’s been so good since we arrived, and I’m afraid bringing this up might send her off the deep end again.’

  Nodding her understanding, Julia made another note and was about to speak when Charlotte said, ‘I don’t know if this is connected to the online activity, but I found her one night standing next to Elodie’s cot, staring in at her. When I got closer I saw that Elodie’s nappy was awry, and Chloe got very angry when I asked what she was doing.’

  ‘Did she have an explanation?’

  ‘She said she hadn’t been doing anything, and that I was always picking on her and blaming her for things she hadn’t done.’

  ‘Was Elodie all right?’

  ‘Not really. By the next day her vagina was swollen and inflamed …’ She swallowed hard. ‘I’ve seen vulvovaginitus enough times to recognise it. Of course I realise it’s not necessarily caused by an interference of the kind we’re talking about, but the coincidence …’

  ‘So what did you do?’

  Ashamed, Charlotte said, ‘I panicked. I was afraid to take Elodie to the doctor in case he realised she was Chloe’s sister – well, he would, he knows us as a family, and everyone’s heard Chloe’s story. It was all over the papers four years ago, not just here, but in New Zealand as well.’

  ‘So you thought, based on her history, that the doctor might involve social services?’

  Charlotte nodded. ‘And if that happened, I was afraid they’d end up taking one or both of them away. I wasn’t even sure Cooper would be safe. If they decided I was an unfit mother …’

  ‘Why would they decide that?’

  ‘It happens, you know it does. Social workers, doctors, child protection officers, they can make mistakes, jump to the wrong conclusions. They’re very capable of acting before asking, I know because I’ve seen it, I might even have done it.’

  Frowning at that, Julia let a moment pass.

  Charlotte said, ‘You’re thinking I could have jumped to the wrong conclusion about Elodie?’

  ‘Actually, I wasn’t thinking that, but do you?’

  Charlotte shook her head. ‘I was very stressed at the time. Everything was getting on top of me … But I know what I saw and … I think I’ve managed to get Chloe away before she did something that we’d all regret.’

  The natural kindness in Julia’s eyes was troubled as she raised them from her notebook. After a while she said, ‘Going back to Anthony, has Chloe ever tried to behave inappropriately with him?’

  Shocked by the question, Charlotte said, ‘No, never.’

  ‘Do you think he’d tell you if she had?’

  ‘Yes, of course. Or, I don’t know, maybe he wouldn’t want to upset me, and he can be very protective of her at times.’

  ‘In what way exactly?’

  Charlotte tried to think, but found it hard to come up with a scenario that wasn’t from over a year ago. ‘He used to be that way before things started going wrong,’ she said. ‘She was the apple of his eye, he couldn’t do enough for her, and she completely adored him. Then Elodie came along and we started having problems with the busines
s … We were both very distracted …’

  ‘And stressed, if you were under pressure outside the home as well.’

  Charlotte nodded, realising it had been too long since she and Anthony had felt relaxed anywhere, apart from the short time at Lake Taupo.

  Coming back from her notebook again, Julia said, ‘Does Chloe ever show any signs of being jealous of you?’

  ‘Of me?’

  ‘If she loves Anthony – and we have to remember that her perception of love might be different to other children’s – she could feel jealous of the closeness you share. Are you affectionate with one another in front of her?’

  Thinking of how uncomfortable she’d come to feel with any sort of intimacy between them when Chloe was in the house, Charlotte said, ‘We used to be, but I don’t think it stopped because I sensed some kind of jealousy … I think it was more to do with being afraid she might be watching, or listening. It got so it didn’t feel right to engage in anything that might be construed as sexual when she was around.’

  Apparently intrigued by that, Julia asked, ‘Did Anthony feel the same?’

  ‘Not that he’s ever said.’

  ‘So this could perhaps be your problem rather than Chloe’s?’

  Not having considered that, Charlotte was thrown. ‘Yes, I suppose so,’ she had to admit.

  ‘I’m not saying it is,’ Julia assured her, ‘we won’t know until I’ve spoken to Chloe, if she’ll speak to me, but even if she does it’s unlikely we’ll get many answers straight away. Eight, going into nine, can be a troublesome age. She probably thinks of herself as very grown up, whereas she’s still way too young to be able to articulate anything she’s feeling on a deeper level.’

  ‘But you think you can help her?’

  ‘I’m willing to try, but until I’ve had the chance to talk to her I can’t tell you anything for certain.’

  Having expected this answer, Charlotte said, ‘I realise it might be difficult to fit her in at this short notice, and obviously we’re not a part of the NHS any more, so if you’re able to see her privately we’re happy to pay. Do you think twice a week is too often?’

  Julia’s smile was sardonic. ‘I understand you’re keen to know that she’s getting the care and support she needs to go forward with her life, but I’m afraid this kind of therapy doesn’t work to a timetable. How many times per week, or month, or even six months, will depend very much on Chloe, and I’m afraid achieving positive results will take as long as it takes.’

  Which could be years, Charlotte knew that, and felt as crushed by it as she did by the shame of seeming to want to rush it to suit herself.

  Reaching into her bag, Julia pulled out a small book and handed it over. ‘I expect you’ve seen this before,’ she said, ‘you’ve probably even recommended it to parents yourself, but have you ever actually read it?’

  Loving and Living with Traumatised Children. Yes, Charlotte recognised it, and yes she’d read it – and it was making her feel more inadequate than ever to be reminded that she wasn’t as noble or courageous as many other parents in her position.

  Was this Julia’s way of suggesting she wasn’t trying hard enough?

  ‘Wendy would like you to give her a call,’ Julia said, as they walked to the door. ‘My understanding is that she wants to be sure that you’ve exhausted all possibilities within the family.’

  ‘She mentioned my sister-in-law when I saw her,’ Charlotte said. ‘Maggie used to be a foster carer.’

  ‘Indeed, but you also have a sister, I believe?’

  ‘Gabby has two children and I can’t see Chloe behaving any better with them than she does with me – even if Gabby would take her, and I’m sure she wouldn’t. Besides, that wouldn’t make her an only child, which I think is what she needs. Do you agree with that? Would it be best for her to be an only child?’

  ‘I really can’t answer that at this stage. For some it works, for others … We’re all different, even traumatised children.’

  Accepting that, Charlotte said, ‘Have you ever recommended it?’

  ‘No, but I haven’t been doing this job for long. Tell me this, if you do go through with it, how do you see the future panning out with Chloe? You’d still be her mother, after all. Nothing but the law can change that, and these circumstances don’t qualify for an adoption reversal.’

  Charlotte’s mouth turned dry. Being reminded for a second time that she would always be Chloe’s mother, no matter where she was or who she was with, was making it all feel harder and more unforgivably selfish than ever.

  Opening the door, Julia said, ‘I know this can’t be easy. Deciding whether to relinquish a child never is, but I’ll help in any way I can.’

  Charlotte attempted a smile, but it didn’t come.

  ‘Before you bring her here,’ Julia continued, ‘you should tell her that I need some help with a four-year-old girl who’s had some similar experiences to those she had when she was little. It might make it easier for us to get started if she thinks she’s helping me, rather than the other way round.’

  As Charlotte drove back to Maggie’s, tears were rolling silently down her cheeks. She was no closer to making a decision now than when she’d arrived, but what she did know was how afraid she was that the authorities in New Zealand were going to carry out physical checks on Cooper and Elodie. It hadn’t been mentioned yet, and she kept trying to comfort herself with the fact that it might not happen, but if it did … She knew only too well how traumatic those examinations could be for a child, and if her own had to go through it she needed to be there.

  ‘It’s all such a mess,’ she wept to Maggie when she got home, ‘but I can’t help thinking that if I do let her go the authorities in Hawkes Bay will have no reason to take the other two away.’

  ‘You don’t know that’s what they’re intending,’ Maggie reminded her.

  ‘But if there’s even the slightest chance …’ Clasping her hands to her head, she cried, ‘It’ll be like sacrificing Chloe to keep the others safe. How on earth can I make myself do that?’

  Maggie shook her head helplessly.

  ‘I have to make a decision soon,’ Charlotte told her, ‘or I’m going to end up losing my mind.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  I’m in Auntie Maggie’s conservatory watching the gardener’s children playing outside by the greenhouse. There’s a boy who’s probably about six and a girl who might be the same age as me. I wish I could go and play with them; it’s boring being stuck in here all the time, but I’m afraid to ask in case I’m told no I can’t. I always manage to upset other children, or their parents, or my own parents, so it’s probably best for me to play video games on the TV, or on colourful boards with Uncle Ron. I can’t even connect to other children online to take part in building a Lego village, or join in composing a song, or share some jokes, because no one will explain the Wi-Fi code to me.

  I think it’s probably because they’ve found out I stole Daddy’s iPad and I’ve been using it to be in touch with my creepy daddy’s friend, but no one’s said anything yet, so I haven’t either.

  My cousins, Auntie Gabby’s children, are breaking up for the Easter holidays tomorrow. I was really looking forward to seeing them, but Mummy told me earlier that they’ve already arranged to go to their grandma’s in Kent, wherever that is. It’s a long way from here anyway, and I know that everyone’s trying to keep my cousins away from me, because I’m not as special as they are.

  Anyway, I don’t care. Everyone can drop dead as far as I’m concerned, including Mummy who’s not being as kind as she usually is, and she keeps going off places without me.

  They think I don’t know what’s going on, but I do. I’ve worked it out. Mummy’s planning to give me away. I don’t know who to, and I don’t want to go, but I’m too afraid to ask her about it in case she tells me it’s true. She doesn’t want to put up with me any more. Well good; I don’t want to put up with her either. I don’t want to put up with anyone in the whole wide
world ever again, because everyone’s stupid and mean and they don’t understand anything, and I won’t bother speaking to them again because they don’t deserve it.

  ‘Are you all right, sweetie?’ Auntie Maggie’s just come in from the kitchen. ‘Aren’t you cold in here?’

  I’m freezing, but I say, in a voice that tells her I’d rather be on my own, ‘There’s nothing wrong with me.’

  She tries to put an arm around me, but I shrug her away.

  ‘I can tell something’s on your mind,’ she says softly, ‘but I’m not going to make you …’

  ‘You’re not going to make me do anything,’ I tell her crossly.

  She sits on the flowery sofa and I can feel her watching me. I don’t mind too much, because I like Auntie Maggie, and in a way I’m glad she’s come to talk to me, because I was fed up of being on my own.

  ‘You’re a very brave girl, Chloe Goodman,’ Auntie Maggie tells me kindly.

  I’ve got no idea why she would say that and I’m not going to ask, or wipe away the tears that have just stung my eyes. I’m only going to carry on being brave, because it’s the best way to be so no one will ever think I’m scared, because I’m not.

  Lots of minutes tick by without either of us saying anything. I’m staring at a photo of Daddy with Auntie Maggie. It looks like they’re at a wedding and they’re laughing their heads off at something.

  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Daddy laughing like that, or not that I can remember.

  In the end, because my legs are aching, I go to sit next to Auntie Maggie, not right next to her, but close, on the edge of the seat. Then, in a couldn’t-care-less voice, I say, ‘Is Mummy going to send me away?’

  Auntie Maggie smooths a hand over my back, but instead of saying, ‘Of course not,’ which is what I expected, she says, ‘What makes you think that?’

  I turn to her quickly. ‘Please don’t let her send me away,’ I beg. ‘I promise I won’t be naughty any more, or do anything to upset anyone. I don’t want to live with anyone else, I want to go back to New Zealand with Mummy and Daddy.’