by Nhys Glover
“I am not Little Mistress to you. I am Accalia! I want to be Accalia!” I cried as the tears broke free.
Typhon, so sad now my heart broke, reached out and placed a hand on mine. “We can’t call you that. You know we can’t. We shouldn’t even look on your face or speak to you, except in answer to a question. You know that!”
I sniffed and lifted my chin. “I do not care about any of that. I just care about you and Talos and Orion and Asterius. That is all I care about!”
“Slaves and their masters can’t be friends,” Talos said flatly.
“Then what is it that we have become over all these months? I call it friends. I say we are pack-mates. You accepted me as part of the Wolf Pack. You cannot just discard me because of who I am. No, who my father is! Did you discard Typhon because his father was a defiler of women?”
“Do you want to see us end up like Typhon’s father? Do you?!” Talos yelled, fury erupting out of nowhere.
I cringed back away from him and Typhon automatically rose up onto his elbows to put an arm around my shoulders.
Talos saw the gesture and calmed immediately. “Look at what you do, brother? If the wrong person saw what you’re doing you’d be dead. If this slave tells his master what you did, you’ll be dead!” He gestured with his head to Jabir, who puffed up in offence.
“I don’t betray my own. And I sure as Hades don’t betray the Little Mistress. You boys are all about what’ll happen to you. What about what could happen to her? The rules for her are just as strict as the ones for us.”
Both boys looked at me, seeing my side now. Well, not the side I wanted them to see. The one that would have them continuing on as we had. The side they were seeing only reinforced their desire to drive me away. For my good, this time, not for theirs. And I could not fight their protective instincts. They might risk their lives by crossing the line, but they would never risk mine.
I knew of stories where noblewomen who dishonoured their family names were put to death. Pater would never do such a thing, I knew that well enough. But I also knew that as far as the world was concerned I was a powerless pawn. I was nothing but a child and a female. And though I might grow out of being a child, I would never grow out of being female.
Up until this spring and summer, I had never realised what freedom was. Pater thought giving the Wolf Pack a little taste of freedom would build their inner strength. The little taste of freedom I had given myself had only made me crave more. And yet all the freedom I had stolen since my Pater was gone had been a dream. Not real.
Typhon’s arm had gone from my shoulders and that was good. I scrambled to my feet and began collecting up the blankets.
“Jabir, harness up the horses. It is time I went home. These boys have an initiation to finish,” I said with all the authority of the Little Mistress.
Jabir rose and began doing my bidding. I did not look at either of the boys who, I knew, were following me with their eyes.
I left the pile of food where it lay beside the dead fire. “You can eat this while you wait for whoever else will come. Typhon, you should do well enough getting home now. With your pack-mates’ help. Good luck.” I was holding back my tears, and it hurt like Hades to do it.
“Goodbye and thank you, Little Mistress,” Typhon said formally.
The words had a finality to them that were like daggers to my heart. I lifted my chin. “I know you will become the best gladiators Pater has ever bred. You will do him proud.”
As I let Jabir help me up into the cisium, I allowed myself one last glance at the boys I called my pack-mates. Typhon had hauled himself to his feet and, with Talos’ support, was standing tall. He did not look like a boy to me in that moment. He looked like a man. A gladiator.
I looked from Talos to Typhon, a sad smile on my lips. “Goodbye. And tell the others goodbye for me, too.”
And with that we were gone. Just as my life was gone.
Chapter Fifteen
ACCALIA
I did not leave my room for many days. I felt sick and listless, and all my grief over losing Mater, and then Pater going away, rushed up to swamp me afresh. I had used training as a physician and my friendship with the Wolf Pack to keep the pain away. Now it was back—but so much worse—because I had fresh losses to add to my list.
Minerva tried to stir me. She even sent for Ariaratus when I refused to leave my bed for the seventh day in a row. I did not care what she did. I barely registered her presence, even when she harped at me.
But when Master Ariaratus arrived I could not maintain my wall against the world any longer.
“What ails you, Little Missy?” Ariaratus said, as he came to sit on the edge of my bed.
Sitting in such a way was not the behaviour of a physician consulting with his mistress; it was how a master might sit at his assistant’s side. The lines had blurred with him too. I only hoped that it would not end by putting him at risk.
“Nothing, I am just... sad. Has the Wolf Pack returned?” I could not stop myself asking. I had to know they were safe.
“Yes. The three were last to arrive but made it in time. Typhon’s recovering in the infirmary. I hear he was near death before you worked on him.”
I shrugged half-heartedly. “The leeches took down the swelling around his eyes. I stitched his cheek and... well, something happened to his side. I do not know what. I was worried the blows had torn the healing flesh apart inside and he was bleeding internally. As I could not open him up, I just prayed over him. Maybe I just made more of it than there was.”
Ariaratus shook his head. “No. You have the healer’s touch. I’ve seen it only a few times in my career, but I know it’s real. Do you remember when you held my hands when they were so sore with the swelling?”
I cast my mind back to the time he spoke of. He had been rubbing his hands with the herbal salve he had made. But it seemed to be doing no good. Concerned for him, I had reached out and placed my hands on his while saying a quick prayer. Afterwards, he thanked me and said he felt better, but I had assumed he was only being polite. After all, just putting your hands on someone could not heal. Could it?
I nodded reluctantly, though I was not sure he could see me in the dim room. Only the open door let in the light. If it had been acceptable, I would have asked him to close it. But while I was being Little Mistress he could not be alone in a room with me with the door shut.
I sighed at the absurdity of the rules I lived by. The rules I had purposefully flouted.
“I felt remarkably free of pain that day, and for the following week. It was only in stages that the pain and swelling came back. You did that for me. But I’d sensed your abilities long before that. Back in those first few days. That’s why I let you continue as my assistant. Why I let you do more and more. So much more than I would have let any other assistant take on. You shouldn’t have sewn a stitch until your second or third year.”
“I was the Little Mistress. You had to...”
“No, I didn’t. I gave you leeway because you were a natural healer. You are a natural healer. Everything I teach you is just a reminder of what you already knew from past lives.”
I turned onto my back to stare up at the ceiling. “It does not matter now. I cannot continue. Talos and Typhon were right. I was putting them at risk by courting their friendship. I was putting you at risk my making you take me on as your assistant. I am a very spoiled and headstrong girl.”
I heard him chuckle. “You are indeed, Little Missy, but you’re also a gifted healer and a young woman of great strength and maturity. It’s worth the risk to have you continue on as my assistant, if you’ll consider it. I doubt your Pater will punish me harshly for letting you follow me around and play at being a physician. And the people you’ll help will make it worth the risk.”
My heart lifted a little. Could I do it? Did I even want to do it? I had taken up the task because of the Wolf Pack, and now they were out of my life. Yet the passing novelty of being a physician’s assistant had turn
ed into a true calling over the weeks and months. I missed it almost as much as I missed my pack.
But what would happen when Pater came home? I could not be Cassius then. Pater was sure to find out. Yet that was still a month or more away. Maybe I could continue being Cassius when Pater was away and Ennia when he was home? Like Persephone spent half the year with her husband in Hades and half with her mother above ground.
I turned to face my master, lifting up onto one elbow. “I could only do it until Pater returns. But I could start again when he leaves next year.”
The old man smiled brightly. “I’ll take all the help I can get. Do you know how heavy that bag is? You’ve quite spoiled me by carrying it for me.”
I grinned. “It was very heavy to start with, but now I think I have even better muscles than the boys my age in the barracks.”
He grinned back. “You just may have. So are you going to lie around in bed all day or are you going to come and help me? I have a young woman down in the breeding compound who has a blister that’s putrefied. I think you might be just what she needs.”
I jumped out of bed and threw my arms around the aging man’s neck. “Thank you, Ariaratus. Thank you!”
“That is Master Ariaratus to you, Cassius. I will meet you down at my hut. So hurry up!”
With a lightness I had not felt in a week, I went to the bathing room and then let Minerva dress me in my boy’s tunic. She made no complaints about my unseemly behaviour. She just kept smiling at me and nodding her head like a pecking chicken.
It was another few days before we were called to the barracks to deal with an injury. As we were leaving, I caught sight of the Wolf Pack for the first time. They were filing from the training field looking sweaty and exhausted.
My eyes drank in the sight of them. When Typhon’s gaze meshed with mine, my heart nearly broke free of my chest and flew towards him.
He elbowed the others and they all turned as one and headed my way. I could not tell from their expressions whether they were happy to see me back in my old role or not.
“Cassius,” Orion said, his serious voice so familiar it made my heart ache. “It’s good to see you. We didn’t think we’d ever see you again.”
“I did not think so either. But Master Ariaratus has use for me in the warmer months, so I will learn what I can and assist him as I can during that time. Or that is our plan,” I answered just as seriously.
“What you did for Typhon... for us... It was foolhardy and dangerous. But Typhon’s alive because you did it... so... thank you.”
I nodded stiffly, taking the rebuke with the gratitude. “I could not let Lucullus win. I could not let him hurt Typhon again.”
I let my gaze slide to the boy I spoke of and saw softness in his eyes. Was their also regret and longing? Was that possible after what I had done?
“We meet again tonight. There’ll be no meat... but you’re welcome at our fire,” Orion said.
I saw the others exchange surprised looks. Then, as one, they nodded. Even Typhon nodded, and I saw relief in his eyes.
My heart soared. They were taking the risk for me. I was still part of their pack and they were taking the risk for me.
“You risked your life and reputation coming after me,” Typhon said. “We can take the same risk for you.”
“I will be there. And I will also bring food. It will be a celebration. You all made it home. You are now in the senior barracks. Will escaping...” I looked around to make sure no one was nearby, listening in. “Will it be a problem from the senior barracks?”
Orion grinned, his fair beauty startling me for a second. It was like the moment the sun breaks through the clouds. “A little more difficult, but not impossible. Taking risks makes life worth living, after all.”
I took that to heart. Staying safe did not make my heart sing. Taking risks did. One day I might have to pay for the pleasure I took now. The risks I took now. But not today. Or even tomorrow.
I looked at Typhon. “I will bring raspberry pastries, if there are any. I have found I like them best.”
Typhon grinned and blushed, while the others looked on in confusion.
I just grinned back in crazy joy.
EPILOGUE
Spring 63 CE Fulginiae, Umbria, ITALIA
TYPHON
I lazed beside the fire with my brothers, though I was anything but relaxed. My Accalia would be coming soon. I would get to see her dressed as a woman for the first time in six months. And she had grown into a beautiful woman over the five years I’d known her.
Now, at seventeen, she was every man’s fantasy realised. Or the fantasies of our pack, at least. And my eyes craved the sight of her as my stomach craved the meat cooking over the fire.
But though I could go without my share of the rabbits, or even of the bounty Accalia always brought with her from the kitchens, I couldn’t go without sight of her.
When I was thirteen I told her I loved her. Back then it was probably just puppy love. But over the years the feeling had grown into something more.
Now my life was bound to hers in ways I couldn’t understand. It didn’t matter that she was a patrician and I was a slave. It didn’t matter than she would someday soon marry a patrician like herself, and I would go off to the arena. Those were outside things. Our bond existed inside and would stretch and continue no matter where we went and what we did.
Back when I was thirteen and discovered the slave girl I knew as Accalia was really the Little Mistress, Ennia, I had grieved her loss as if she’d died. I was sure that I couldn’t keep her in my life because of the risk to her reputation and to our lives. But though my mind accepted the reality and the wisdom of that decision, my heart couldn’t.
Asterius knew. He always knew what I felt. Those who suckle from the same teat know each other’s souls, I think. He’d grieved with me. And maybe for himself, as well.
When she reappeared in the barracks as Cassius my heart had sung. I felt alive again. And when Orion invited her back to our fireside, I realised I wasn’t the only one who’d found life desolate without our little she-wolf in it. We’d wordlessly agreed that any risk was worth it, to keep her with us.
Did I worry what would happen to her if her father found out what she was doing? Of course I did. But we had gone over five years without discovery. We’d never have had those years of friendship and fun with her if we hadn’t taken the risk.
And for now she was still mine. Or ours. Sometimes it was hard to tell what was mine and what was ours. My pack and I shared everything, even the whores who had been coming to our room in the barracks to take the edge off our hunger since we were fifteen. That we all chose the one who looked a little like Accalia was never mentioned. Our true feelings for Accalia were never mentioned.
Maybe it felt acceptable to share a craving for someone none of us would ever have. It might have been different if she had been what she first appeared, a little handmaiden to the mistress. Then one of us might have made her his wife one day. But that could never be possible. So we could share our love for the unattainable, and the pain of unrequited love.
That was what I told myself.
When she drifted into the light from the shadows—without making a sound, as we’d taught her—I looked up at her and smiled. Though her new mother was making life difficult for her, she was still happy to be with us. Relieved to be with us.
And though we only had months left of our time together, we’d make the most of them. It didn’t feel like our story was ending; it felt as if it were only just beginning. But if I was wrong, then I’d make the most of the time left to us. I’d love my little she-wolf, even if it could never be with my body.
Love like ours would last an eternity. I knew it!
-webkit-filter: grayscale(100%); -moz-filter: grayscale(100%); -o-filter: grayscale(100%); -ms-filter: grayscale(100%); filter: grayscale(100%); " class="sharethis-inline-share-buttons">share
