She could feel herself slipping back into that dark place and fought like hell to keep her head above water. Her mind went to Kyle and their budding relationship.
She tried picturing his face, that grin that transformed him. It helped, but it still wasn’t enough to wipe away the bitter taste of pain. Because of her past, what she felt for Kyle was more scary than comforting she realized.
She was so unsure of herself, how could she hope to hold his interest when she hadn’t been able to with Paul? She didn’t kid herself. Kyle was twice the man Paul was. She knew this after only a few days in his company. It was like night and day the two of them. And though Kyle hated that she made comparisons, there was no way not to. Their differences were so glaringly obvious.
The way he handled her, even the way he made her feel, was totally different to anything she had known before. Paul had been controlling yes, and though she sensed the same in Kyle, his was not of the selfish kind. In fact, he seemed more and more interested in her well being than anything else.
Paul had always looked out for himself first and foremost. Even going so far as to make her feel guilty if she took even a little time for herself. He was the one who got the best of everything even when she was the one working, leaving only the dregs for her. She hadn’t minded back then, had felt a certain sense of pride that she could do things for him-the big shot doctor in the making.
Kyle on the other hand, didn’t seem the type to let anyone else take care of him. He was in complete control of who he was and didn’t need to make her feel less than, the way Paul so often did.
It made her wonder why she’d fought so hard to hold on and why, even now, she was still having such a hard time letting go. Not of Paul, no longer that, but of the past they’d shared together.
Her mind went to the other man in her life-if you could call it that. Sure they’d shared some earth scorching kisses and he made her feel in ways she never thought to again, but did it mean more to him than something to pass the time while he was visiting the small town? Could she really risk her heart like that again?
Today had been wondrous. From the time she opened her eyes and stood over his half naked form on her couch, ‘til he’d left after taking her to see that house. It had left her spinning dreams in her head. But was she just making a fool of herself again?
Besides, he had a life back in Chicago and she wasn’t sure she could make it in a big city. So even if something was to come of their little flirtation, where would it lead? It’s not like he was gonna uproot his life for her now was it? But those kisses, and the hand holding. Not to mention the looks that made her melt. Maybe those things didn’t mean the same to him as they did to her. The thought made her tummy hurt and was like a dark cloud over the otherwise sunny day.
She’d only known one man her whole life. That relationship had started when she was little more than a child. She’d believed with everything in her that it was the real thing.
Her grandparents had been together their whole lives and most of the people in the small town had been much the same. It was all she knew. You met the boy, you married the boy, and you stayed together forever. That was the way of it, the way she’d been taught.
She’d taught herself to be content with her lot. Even those times when she doubted, when she questioned the true reasons behind her hasty marriage. Those times when Paul showed his true colors and she outright hated him. She’d chastised herself on those days, seen only the fault in herself. Obviously she had to be the one with the problem. After all he was working so hard in school to make a better life for the both of them. How dare she find fault with anything he said or did?
But on those days she did question everything about their life together and why it was that she’d let herself be talked into tying the knot right out of high school. She’d wanted a family-wanted to belong. And yes she’d loved him with all the innocence of youth. She’d had other offers in school sure. Guys had always found her attractive.
But Paul was the only one who’d ever made her heart beat faster. The one to bowl her over with dreams of a future together. One that she convinced herself she wanted as much as he did.
Now there was someone else who made her heart feel as if it would fly out of her chest, and it scared her. How could she trust her heart again after where it had led her once before?
True, Kyle made her feel in a way Paul never had. And this time her eyes were wide open, she hoped. But hadn’t she believed all those things about Paul? Hadn’t she trusted him to love and care for her for the rest of her life? Hadn’t she given him everything she had and still it hadn’t been enough? One of her fears was that she had nothing left to give.
The divorce had truly taken everything out of her. She knew that until a few days ago she was a mere shell of the person she once was. That carefree young girl who’d given her heart so freely was no more. Paul had seen to that.
Now here he was again, just when she was finally getting over the damage. What was it he’d said? Something about a strange man paying a visit to his office and rumors. She didn’t know what that was about, but she knew just the sound of his voice had set her back.
She moved like a zombie, when the knock came at the door a little while later. “What’s wrong with you?” Kyle took one look at her pale cheeks and glassy eyes and knew some fuck had happened. He never should’ve left her alone, not after the run-in with the twit, but he’d been sure the visit to the house had taken care of that.
“Paul called.” His eyes went to the phone.
“And you answered?”
“I didn’t know who it was.” He was pissed the fuck off. This juggling shit was not gonna work. He felt like a caged animal that didn’t know which way to turn.
He was trying to give her space or whatever the fuck it was she needed to get her head straight, but if she was gonna fall apart like this every time something from her past came up, he was gonna have to change tactics.
“You see this?” He snatched the phone up and showed her the little window. “It’s called caller ID, all you have to do is look here and it’ll tell you who the fuck is calling.”
“Well, I wasn’t paying attention okay so sue me.” She’d had enough for one day. First Paul and his lectures and now this, so her voice had gone up a few octaves.
“Who the fuck are you yelling at?” He advanced on her and she moved back. “Let’s get something straight. I’m willing to give you some rope make sure you don’t hang yourself with that shit.” What the fuck was he supposed to do with this shit? “Are you still in love with him, is that it?” He’d fucking strangle her is she said the wrong fucking thing to him.
“Of course not.” She looked up at the fire- breathing dragon in front of her. He had her crowded against the wall, but this time instead of fear she felt something altogether different. She felt…heat. She wanted to kiss him or for him to kiss her. It was the way he looked at her, nose flaring eyes fiery. The kind of look her heroes gave their women.
Her body reacted. Kyle looked down at her in surprise. He’d been ready to tear something apart, and then her scent hit him in the gut. He pushed his dick into her. He too had been affected by the little confrontation.
He wanted to take her down and mount her right there. “I’m going to fuck his memory out of your head if it’s the last thing I do.” He kissed her hard enough to bruise her lips before pulling roughly away.
“Come on let’s go.” He grabbed her hand and led her to the door. Maybe he’d been coming at this shit wrong. Maybe she didn’t need to be treated with kid gloves. The way she’d heated up just now told him his little innocent liked it a little rough.
You could’ve blown him over with a feather when he’d smelt her heat. He was getting ready to rip her a new one before going to find the asshole and planting a fist in his face for even thinking he had the right to call her, and then she’d let him know that she wanted him. No words could’ve done a better job.
In the end, he took her out to lun
ch instead of hunting Paul down and doing his stupid ass in. She was still raw from whatever the fuck the idiot had said to her, and when he’d asked for details she’d told him honestly that she had no real recollection of what had been said. It was just the shock of hearing the other man’s voice that had set her back. He guessed that was understandable to a point, but he couldn’t wait ‘til they reached that place where not even the memory of what once was would faze her.
Chapter 11
***
For the next two weeks, when he wasn’t busy dealing with his business they were together. He’d sit on the couch on his own laptop while she wrote, making sure she took breaks to eat or go outside to enjoy the sun.
They’d been able to avoid the asshole and his twat in all that time even though they went into town a few mornings to have breakfast and then again for dinner. She was smiling more these days too and their make-out sessions had gone from mere kisses to some heavy as fuck petting that always left him hungry.
The house closing was coming up soon and she still didn’t know that he’d bought her favorite house. He’d taken her back there one day when she complained of being in a slump with her writing. It had perked her right up. There was only one hitch in his stride, when he had to make a quick trip back home for an overnight run. It had been hell.
He felt like a bitch all the way there on the plane and called her as soon as he’d landed. He was a maniac at the office, barking out orders even more so than usual. “Mr. Clancy, sir I gave you those papers five minutes ago.”
“Oh really, so where the hell are they?” His assistant walked farther into the office and rifled through the shit on his desk. “Here you are.”
“Shit, sorry Melissa.” He needed to get a grip. His body was here but his mind was hundreds of miles away. What was she doing? Was anyone bothering her?
He’d left his grandpa and Lucille to look after her but he didn’t trust anyone to see to her but himself. By the time he left his office he’d called her more than five times. Short to the point what’re you doing calls. But it was new to him.
He had dinner with his parents who grilled him for answers. He’d snapped a few pictures of her before he left and ma was happy with those for now, but he knew it was only a matter of time until that wasn’t enough.
“This would make a perfect backdrop for a reception.” She was looking at pictures of the house and grounds. “Dana the boy will get married where he wants to.” Dad smiled indulgently at her.
“I know that Lance, I’m just saying. Does Kerry not think so? I’d be surprised if she didn’t she seems like the romantic sort.”
“I haven’t asked her yet and she doesn’t know I bought the house.”
“Haven’t… Why ever not?”
“I’m waiting for the right moment, besides I’m still waiting to hear from the realtor. I want it to be a done deal, before I tell her.”
“I guess that’s okay. You’re not gonna change your mind are you?” She looked genuinely putout at the thought.
“No ma, I’m not gonna change my mind.” If she knew how hard it was for him to sit there the last two hours without pulling his phone to call Kerry she wouldn’t have asked that. He loved his parents no doubt about it, but he missed his girl. Tomorrow as soon as he was done here he was on the jet back. Speaking of which, he had to see about getting a helipad built on the property.
He escaped half an hour later and was on the phone before the chauffer closed the door behind him. “Hi sweetheart what are you doing?” She grinned the way she had been doing the last three times he called. “Just finished having dinner with Lucille and gramps. I hope you don’t mind he told me to call him that.”
“No that’s fine. Where are you now?”
“Well, gramps just walked me home after trying to convince me that I should spend the night with him or Lucille. When that didn’t work he said he was staying on my couch.” Good ole gramps.
“Any phone calls?” She knew what he was asking. “I didn’t answer.”
“But he called?”
“Yeah, I saw the number but I didn’t answer. I think he called again when I was out.” And why are you telling him this? You know it’s only gonna make him rabid.
“Did he leave a message?”
“Yes he did, I haven’t had time to erase it yet.” She was tempted to listen but wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what he had to say.
She’d spent a fun day with her two new friends. They’d kept her from sitting at home alone missing him and feeling sorry for herself. She couldn’t believe how much she missed him, how quickly she’d grown used to having him there. In the last two weeks they’d spent every waking moment together except for a few exceptions. At night, he slept on her couch after taking her to dinner and sitting up talking.
He seemed genuinely interested in her likes and dislikes, in what she wanted for her future. And although their kisses had gone up on the heat meter, he hadn’t pushed her for anything more. The first time he’d lifted her shirt and removed her bra for his mouth she’d been ready to jump him. She had no idea her breasts were so sensitive. It was he who’d called a halt and sent her to bed on shaky legs.
“Leave it.”
“Huh leave what?” she’d gotten lost in her thoughts and was getting twitchy.
“The message.” She’d forgotten all about that.
“Okay sure.”
“Are you tucked up in bed love?” she loved the way he called her that, that and all the other little names he’d been calling her the last few days. They made her feel special, tickled pink.
“Yep, I did some writing after gramps got settled and now I was just about to nod off.” Not really, she was about to lay there and daydream about him the way she had been lately.
“Change of plans, now you have to keep me company until I fall asleep. I missed my nightly dose of you.”
Her heart felt that one. He missed her. She threw herself backwards on the pillow and grinned while kicking her feet on the mattress like a teenager with her first crush. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”
“Hold on a second.” She heard him talking to someone in the background. “Goodnight Henry I’ll see you in the morning.”
There was the sound of a car door closing and an engine starting.
“Are you just leaving the office?”
“No I had a late dinner.” Her heart and gut went into nosedive. “Oh.” There was hurt in her voice, he picked up on it immediately and hated the ones responsible even more.
“No baby, I had dinner with mom and dad. They said hi by the way, they can’t wait to meet you.” She bit her lip as that nasty feeling went away. She didn’t even think to doubt him, which was saying a lot.
It was because of his manner when they were together. Somehow she knew instinctively that she could trust him, that he would be careful with her heart. It was a heady feeling to know that she had that in her life now.
She wasn’t stupid. She’d been studying him as much as he was her. She knew he wasn’t spending all that time with her for nothing, but before she gave into her body’s needs she needed to be sure that she wouldn’t be crushed when it was all said and done.
She was close to making up her mind to just go to bed with him if he ever got around to asking. But she wanted to be sure that she would be able to pick up the pieces once he left. “Say hi for me too.” She had no idea he’d told his parents about her, he tended to be very tight lipped about such things, but that was another little morsel to tuck away in her keepsake box. The one she was building in her heart.
He hated that for even one second she’d felt what she just had. It was his aim never to give her a moment’s pain, that’s why he’d been taking it slow. He had no idea when she was going to be ready, but he knew he wasn’t going to be able to hold himself in check for much longer. Not if she kept lighting up like that each time he touched her.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t a gentleman when it was needed, but this wanting her and h
aving to deny himself was a whole different ballgame. He’d only shown her the softer side of him except for the few times she’d pissed him off by thinking about her ex. But what was going to happen when he popped his fucking leash, what then? Will it be too much?
He knew himself, knew that once he emptied his seed inside her for the first time, marked her, there would be no turning back. He’d never wanted to cum inside a woman so bad in his life. In fact it was quite the opposite, he was a fanatic about birth control.
He’d worn a rubber since his dad had sat him down and told him about the consequences of unsafe sex at age twelve and never looked back. But for the past two weeks, he’d been pushing the envelope.
Waiting for her to lay down for him-knowing it could happen any minute-and yet he hadn’t even stepped foot in a pharmacy to buy some. The thought of cumming inside her, instead of freaking him the fuck out, made his heart race with excitement.
“Do me a favor, ask me anything you’d like to know now that you’re in the safety of your bedroom and I’m a million miles away.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Yeah you do. You have hang-ups because of shit that happened to you in your past. I already told you I don’t like being measured by that asshole’s mistakes, but a second ago you thought the worst. I’ve been spending time with you, trying to show you who I am. You’re a smart woman. I know you can tell the difference between us. But if you’re gonna think that every time I’m away from you that I’m doing you wrong, then you’re never truly going to be happy.”
“I didn’t think that.” Her tummy began to churn for a different reason. Yes-she’d believed him after, but for a split second there, she’d thought the worse.
“Yeah you did. Don’t lie to me and don’t lie to yourself, it helps nothing. You must own your feelings and it’s my job to make sure you have no reason to feel that way.
I won’t ever give you reason to doubt me. But if those doubts live in your mind, then you’re the only one who can erase them. Do you understand me?”
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