We lie like fear above the hurrying highway where life goes to waste, where man hurries and hurries after emptiness. We are beside the houses in which they shut themselves away: the fortresses they have built in order to shut themselves in with their brief joys.
We are the thin, complaining wind that brushes past, searching for what cannot be present.
We are the wind behind the wind—that searches in defiance, in case something is to be found all the same.
We are where everyone is, and where no one was. We search night after night.
27
Valborg’s Fourth Meeting
In the house before the meeting.
Two long days of waiting—then it was the meeting-day at last. Morning. The morning was grey; it had been a dark night with clouds piling up. A rain-cloud hung overhead without releasing anything yet, but it would—there was already a scent of coming rain.
They breathed in the strange, faint smell as they thought of the evening in the wood.
Torvil was suddenly asked an unusual question after dinner: ‘Is anything the matter, Torvil?’
These were the last few days of the holidays, but the peace was still unbroken. The question come from Torvil’s father.
‘No, why?’ The obvious counter-question.
‘It looks like it—and we’re not exactly used to that, you know.’
‘You can take it easy, Father.’
‘Oh, I do. And take it easy yourself.’ His father nodded and went about his affairs satisfied.
Torvil found himself something to do. He did not catch a glimpse of Aud that day.
Aud, too, was questioned by her mother. It made her start a little, because she was on her guard and waiting for it.
‘I’ve been watching you today, Aud. And I’m certain you’re worried about something.’
‘There’s nothing wrong, Mother. I thought I was behaving just as usual.’
Contrary to the rule her mother was not satisfied with the first answer this time. ‘Has it something to do with Torvil?’
‘Why should it?’
‘It seems to me that it has.’
‘How you imagine things! I thought we were in the habit of leaving each other in peace in this house,’ said Aud, and started to go to her room.
‘Wait a bit. You haven’t answered my question about Torvil.’
‘No, because I won’t.’
‘All right. I’ll have to believe it’s nothing very serious. For I’m quite sure it has to do with Torvil. I hope you’ll tell us if it is anything serious.’
‘All right, let’s agree on that, Mother.’
Aud and Torvil did not confide in each other about these questions. Aud’s mother probably didn’t attach too much importance to what she was saying, even though she had been on the right track. It didn’t matter that day; the big question in the wood swept everything else aside.
Shortly before it was time to leave, drizzle and then rain began to fall from the low clouds. The prospect looked gloomy for Aud and Torvil. Rain made it seem somehow different; it felt like unwelcome interference.
Dressed for the rain, smiling and alert, they went to see their parents, who were in their sitting-rooms, quietly enjoying the pleasant rain after the dry spell: ‘We’re going for a long walk.’
‘A walk in the rain!’
‘Well, I’m sure that’ll do you good.’
Since their children looked happy, the adults were even more pleased. They saw that something had been ironed out—and of course it had.
‘But we said a long walk. We may not come back until dark,’ Torvil warned them.
He got a look from Aud.
They left. The rain was falling densely in tiny drops, like the light flick of a veil against the face.
‘You seem to have bargained for darkness this evening, Torvil.’
‘Just as well to warn them that we might be some time, surely?’
‘Yes, you think of everything.’
‘Indeed!’
He would have to try to ignore her tone of voice. He was feeling extremely nervous as he walked along, and anxious about the next thing Aud might say, in her present mood.
‘Please don’t talk like that now, Aud. It doesn’t make it any more pleasant for you either, does it? We’re both nervous about meeting Valborg—you know that perfectly well!’
He had raised his voice.
‘You needn’t shout.’
‘Why do you call it shouting?’
‘Well, you’re raising your voice at any rate. But I understand you very well; you’ve made it thoroughly difficult for us to come, and you’ve made it thoroughly awkward for Valborg to come—how are you going to put it right, do you think?’
‘And you, what do you want to do about it?’
‘I don’t want to do anything. I haven’t done anything to Valborg.’
‘Aud, I only wish I could explain to you what I feel—then you’d understand me. I don’t feel as if I’ve done anything shameful or foolish.’
She dropped her own chilly tone, glanced at him and fell silent.
For his part he knew very well what kind of a girl she was. Just now she was standing shining wet in her raincoat, rosy-cheeked from the drizzle.
What’s going to happen in there in a little while?
We’re moving rapidly now into a situation that we have perhaps never even imagined. Something we’re afraid of. This evening something will most certainly happen that we can’t control. The tension has been building up. The girl waiting in there is like that through and through.
I don’t really want this to happen, but it’s right in front of me. We who were going to make a ring round her because of her misfortune—what are we doing instead?
Aud looked into Torvil’s face, bringing her own wet one close. She seemed to have read his thoughts.
‘We’ll have to try to carry through something of what we’ve set ourselves,’ she said to him. ‘We must—oh no,’ she broke off and fell silent.
‘Say it, then.’
‘No. It would be much too solemn and all that. But you know what I mean! We were going to do all we could, weren’t we?’
Torvil nodded.
‘She says it’s enough if we keep her company. She says that’s what we can do. And it all gets so solemn and strange, just sitting there and being able to do it.’
‘Yes,’ said Torvil.
‘Will you please not do anything like that again, Torvil? You saw you spoiled it for everyone.’
A thought sneaked in: She’s afraid, and pleading for herself. He rejected it: Well, what of it? She doesn’t know that’s what she’s doing.
His voice was unsteady when he answered her: ‘I shall do what I think I ought to do, and nothing else.’
‘Well?’
‘What more can I say?’
She looked as if he hadn’t given her much of a promise.
‘We don’t know in the least,’ she said, ‘what you may decide you ought to do.’
‘I expect you’re much the same, Aud, when it comes to the point.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘You’ll have to explain that.’
‘I think I know what I ought to do. I’m not going to wait till I hit on something else,’ said Aud.
‘Don’t be so superior.’
‘Oh, shut up. There’s so much one can think one ought to do on the spur of the moment.’
‘And it might not be the worst solution either. I’m not going to promise anything more.’
Aud looked at him searchingly. Just looked at him. He would remember this for a long time. She’s waiting. I can’t do anything about it.
‘We must go over there now. She’s certain to be there.’
‘Torvil—’
‘We can’t just stand about here.’
No use putting it off any longer. Jump right in.
Aud went along the path first, bending easily to avoid obstacles in her way—a fallen tree left lying across it becau
se no one walked here normally, large stones that had to be rounded.
Here was the last bend before the meeting-place came into view. The bushes were heavy with rain, slapping against their faces so that the moisture poured down.
The last bend—and there stood Valborg. Waiting. Dark and lonely in the drizzle.
A series of rapid, nervous thoughts during the last few paces. I ought to force myself to be calm, but instead I’m silently getting even more excited. What am I moving towards?
She seems dark and weak, over there. And yet it’s like moving towards something tremendous.
What is Aud moving towards?
Aud, just in front of him. Her legs danced with every step. Aud was being carried straight towards it too. What does she want? She certainly doesn’t know any more than I do.
We are all afraid. All three of us. Valborg, waiting over there, is the most afraid. Perhaps she isn’t aware of it herself.
He almost asked Aud to turn round on the path, in order to see her face. He decided not to.
Let her walk like that.
She’s going ahead on purpose, so that I can’t turn and look her in the eyes. These last remaining dozen paces.
Perhaps Aud isn’t with me now?
Curious thought.
Isn’t she with me?
Then I’ll turn round.
Turn round! Too late to turn round, you are already under the influence of the first secret rays that are being set in motion.
All the paces were now used up.
Some people’s cheeks are made rosy by rain, others are made paler by it. Valborg was alarmingly pale close to. She greeted them standing beside the tree-trunk.
A stiff greeting.
They answered in unison.
They looked uncertainly at each other. Everything was glittering in the drizzle. Dew-wet bushes. The tree-trunk lying in an open glade was unsuitable for a meeting in this weather.
‘We can’t sit here in this rain,’ said Torvil, ‘but I know of a good, thick fir tree.’
The girls did not answer; they followed Torvil through the bushes which hung sleeping with moisture.
Torvil led them to a fir tree through which the fine rain had not yet penetrated. A dry circle about the roots, brown with needles.
‘We can stay here for quite a while.’
They leant against the trunk. First stand and simply be aware of being together. But it was not possible. There was something about Valborg that prevented it; she was not open, but stiff and distant. On the other hand, the radiance over which she had no control was alive and active. Aud and Torvil were scared. They must make progress—but how was it going to turn out?
The two of them stood trying to guess what was the matter with Valborg.
The tree was not so very thick after all: each of them had to face in a slightly different direction. They quickly sensed that this was just as well today. Valborg in particular positioned herself so that she was looking at nothing besides the wet woods.
They stood like this for a while, waiting. They were waiting for Valborg. She must have known this. Everything depended on her. And she started to speak, as if the moment had come when she was capable of it.
‘Well, I’ve thought and thought since I saw you last. I know both of you have been doing the same. We parted rather abruptly—today we’d better try to talk more calmly.’
This wasn’t the sort of introduction likely to relieve their anxiety. Aud replied, ‘Yes, we’ve been thinking. But what are we supposed to decide? That’s not what’s most important, according to what you said. We were going to keep you company, that was all.’
‘That’s right,’ said Valborg, ‘we were going to keep each other company, and nothing more. But as you know, that came to an end.’
They were on to the dangerous subject at once.
‘I can’t say anything about that,’ said Aud, ‘but it didn’t occur to me that it was over for good.’
‘No, it’s not over!’ Torvil was excited and fascinated once more.
Valborg asked quietly, ‘What do you think, then, Torvil?’
He did not answer, and she did not challenge him further. They waited impatiently. Finally, Valborg said, searching for words, ‘It’s not so simple when it comes down to it.’
‘We know that,’ said Aud.
Valborg said, still stammering, ‘I have to tell you something: I don’t know whether I feel the same as when we first met. It’s changed. Something came in that had no business to be there.’
This was bitter for them. No one answered at once. They all knew the responsibility was Torvil’s.
‘Yes,’ said Torvil softly after the first silence, ‘yes, I suppose it did.’
I’ve spoiled it, he thought, smarting.
Aud said, ‘That’s not a nice thing to be told. We thought we were like a solid ring round you. And you said that was what you needed, so we felt it was what we were able to do. We’d like to go on with it, if you want us to.’
Torvil thought: Aud’s relying on me.
From the other side of the fir trunk the comment came clearly. Valborg said, ‘That’s just it. I don’t think I do want you to any more.’
Torvil and Aud exchanged glances. Aud reddened slightly. Torvil turned away again, and waited for more. Say more about it, then—
No. No explanation.
‘But say more about it, then!’ blurted out Torvil. ‘We can’t simply listen to you telling us that you ... that you ...’
‘I daren’t stay here any longer, Torvil.’
‘Daren’t?’ repeated Aud.
Now Valborg let herself go. ‘Yes, something has happened so that I daren’t be with you any longer. As you must understand, Aud. And as I think you understand too, Torvil. I must go away. I can’t stay here any longer! You must forgive me.’
‘What are you saying?’
It was Torvil, asking as if he had neither heard nor noticed anything. In his confusion he felt Valborg’s attraction even stronger than before, if anything.
‘I’m not going to explain any more,’ said Valborg. ‘It seems clear enough to me. We can’t meet any more. I must go far away.’
‘This isn’t true!’ shouted Torvil. ‘It’s all in your imagination.’
Aud joined in, ‘I don’t think this is right, Valborg. Where will you go afterwards?’ she added, forgetting, and going further than she should.
‘Surely that’s my own business?’ answered Valborg irritably. ‘I can go wherever I like.’
‘Yes, Valborg. I shouldn’t have said that, but this is all too sudden for me. You must realize that we weren’t expecting this. Couldn’t you think it over once more, in case you’re doing this too suddenly?’
‘You can’t come with me! No one can come with me!’ said Valborg piercingly.
‘It isn’t true! If you go away like this, I—I don’t know exactly!’ shouted Torvil again.
He stopped, astounded at what he was about to say. He felt rent apart and worn down—and with a suspicion of what lay beneath all this. That it was not his behaviour alone that was at fault.
He gave a start, and so did Aud—for Valborg almost leapt to face them, her features nearly unrecognizable.
‘I’m telling you this mustn’t go on any longer!’ she said wildly. T have to get away from here. You’ve been kind to me—more than you realize—but whatever this ought to have become is slipping away. It’s changed, and I daren’t stay here. I don’t want to explain any more, as I said. But I must go. We must say good-bye now.’
She stood there, unrecognizable.
‘No!’ exclaimed Aud in that wild moment, deeply scared at the sight of Valborg, and crushed at the thought of not having succeeded in what she had set herself.
‘Valborg, listen to me! You mustn’t go like this—as Torvil says. If you do, everything will be ruined.’
Valborg stood as before, and shook her head.
‘Torvil!’ called Aud excitedly and in desperation.
E
verything seemed to hinge on Torvil. Torvil, too, scarcely knew what he was doing any more, at this pitch of agitation. He was staring at Valborg, staring as before at something about her—which was far stronger and more powerful now than on the previous occasions, even more fascinating now, and unsettling now, because it was already at stake. Light and darkness alternated, he saw nothing but Valborg who seemed about to pitch forward—she who was so different from anything he had experienced before. He had to do something before it all fell to pieces.
He took a big stride forward and caught Valborg in his arms, clasping her tightly.
‘You mustn’t go, Valborg. I’ll stay with you! Always! I see it clearly now. It’s getting clearer and clearer. I must be with you!’
Valborg looked at him stiffly, afraid of him.
Aud stood stock-still without saying a word. Impossible for the other two to know what was going on in her mind. All they knew was that she was standing stock-still. She was there. She was a witness to what was being said.
Torvil did not loosen his hold of Valborg. He held on tight, he had more to say.
‘Do you hear what I’m saying, Valborg, you must be my girl!’
As he said it he saw Aud in front of him. A number of thoughts flashed through his mind about Aud, about himself and Aud, a series of pictures so long that there was no room for them all, and so strong—yet not strong enough at the moment, at this bewildering moment—this is where the fire is. It’s Valborg.
Valborg stood with Torvil’s arms about her. She said quietly, ‘Leave go, Torvil. You don’t know what you’re saying just now.’
‘You want it too,’ he stammered, ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I’ve understood, Valborg, I’ve felt it.’
She did not answer, but remained standing in his arms. She gave a frightened glance at Aud, erect and silent. After a little Torvil felt Valborg’s tense body relax towards him, and quieten there.
‘Yes, you do want to be with me,’ he said. ‘I’ve understood. You do want to.’
It felt as if she were even closer. She hid her face in his raincoat. In there she said, ‘What have you understood?’
‘I’m not telling you,’ answered Torvil. ‘Not now.’
His face brushed her hair. He stood, unsteady and uncertain. Then he straightened up again. There stood Aud whom he knew so well.
The Bridges Page 11
