Illusive

by Nina Levine

  He scrunched his face. “What the fuck? I cared about you. My family cared about you. You can’t fucking say we didn’t.”

  “There are many ways to care, but needing the person you supposedly care about to change themselves for you…that’s not the kind of care that’s good for a person, Danny. I always had to prove myself to you and your family; always had to tow a fucking line and fit in with who you thought I should be. Storm might have expectations, but they never once tried to change who I am.”

  He looked at me in disgust and I knew we were done here. Probably done for life. “I will never understand you or your choices. I’ve tried to help you over the years but you’ve made your decision and now you have to accept whatever consequences that decision brings you. Don’t come crawling back to me when the shit hits the fan.”

  “I don’t ever come crawling to anyone, asshole, and I’m not about to start now. I rely on one person, and one person only – me. Less chance of getting screwed over that way.” I took a step away from him and said, “Now, if you’ve said all you came here to say, I suggest you fuck off and leave me to get on with my night.”

  He sneered at my words as he made a move to leave. “You always were a bastard, Michael. You’ve managed to take it to a whole new level.”

  “It works well in my life,” I muttered and turned to walk inside.

  I didn’t glance back at him – I had no intention of looking back anymore.

  Danny and I were done.

  * * *

  A couple of hours later, I was a few drinks in, watching mindless television in my lounge room, and trying unsuccessfully to shift thoughts of Sophia from my mind. It astounded me that on the day I usually couldn’t delete shitty family memories, I was this year, instead, being bombarded by a woman.

  I’d treated her exactly the way she’d told me she didn’t want to be treated. Used and discarded. I hadn’t intended for that to happen – fuck, I hadn’t intended to have sex with her, but I couldn’t have said no to her even if I’d wanted to. She had no idea how beautiful she was, and no idea how much I’d wanted her from that very first time we’d met in the car park at the bar. Hell, that was half her allure. The beauty of a woman who was unaffected by it was, by far, one of my biggest turn-ons. And, Christ, the way she lived in her vulnerability and let her mask fall – that sealed the deal for me.

  Fuck.

  I want her.

  Again.

  I couldn’t do it, though. We’d had our night, and now I needed to move on and find a woman who could take what I needed to give. Sophia was not the woman for me.

  My phone buzzed on the seat next to me.

  Scott: Can you meet me and Wilder at the clubhouse now?

  Thank fuck – a distraction.

  Me: On my way.

  * * *

  I walked into Scott’s office to find him and Wilder deep in conversation, and a woman in her early-twenties sitting on the chair in the corner. Her feet tapped in front of her like she was nervous about something and her hands fidgeted in her lap. When I got to her face, I realised why. She was craving a hit.

  “Griff,” Scott said, looking at me. “Wilder’s got that info we were after.”

  I jerked my chin at the woman. “Who’s she?”

  Wilder faced me with a look I’d never seen on his face before. Fuck, she meant something to him. I hoped this situation wasn’t about to fuck us in the ass more than it already had. “Carly is my ex. She was dating Slug.”

  “Shit,” I said. “And she knows something about the fire?”

  Wilder nodded. “Yeah, she said he started it.”

  “Why?”

  Carly joined in the conversation. “Because he was threatened by Ricky Grecian that if he didn’t do it, he’d be killed.”

  My eyes met Scott’s and he nodded once at me. Ricky fucking Grecian.

  I turned my attention back to Carly. “What’s the connection between Ricky and Slug?”

  She looked blankly at me. “Huh?”

  I took the few strides to where she sat, and crouched in front of her. Placing my hands on the armrests of her chair, I got in her face. “What the fuck did Ricky have on Slug to even make him give that ultimatum to him? There had to be something between them.” I needed to know if she was telling the truth. Junkies had a way of making shit up when it suited them.

  She glared at me and leant forward. “Slug owed him a fortune for drugs, and Slug’s never been good at paying his debts. I’d say Ricky got sick of his shit.”

  I watched her closely, and decided there was truth to what she was saying. Pushing up, I stood and turned back to Scott. “Looks like Blade’s prediction was spot on – Ricky’s playing with us.”

  Anger sat on Scott’s face. “Yeah, brother. So now we have to figure out a way to play back.”

  “Any news on that drug deal?” We’d never gotten to the bottom of that, and the fire had consumed our attention over the last few days. The fact Ricky had never come back to us on the deal was of concern.

  Scott pulled out his phone. “Let me call Ricky and find out where he’s at with that.”

  “I’ll be back in a minute,” I said and headed out of the office. It was just after nine pm and the club bar was busy with members blowing off steam. I was working on rebuilding relationships so I spent some time chatting with the boys. I was also trying to get a feel for who might be causing problems for Scott and King, but I had no luck on that front tonight.

  When I entered Scott’s office again, he’d finished his call with Ricky. “What gives?” I asked.

  “Apparently it’s going to take place in four days. He won’t tell me where so we need to get some eyes on him. I wanna tail him and see who the fuck it is. He’s still adamant his source is saying it’s us, so someone is screwing with us, brother.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Can you round Nash and J up for that job?”

  I nodded. “Consider it done.”

  “Tell them I wanna know everything Ricky does – who he sees and where he goes. I want confirmation that he was the one who gave the orders for the fire and once we have that, we’re not holding back on him.”

  “I’ve increased security at all our premises, too. We can’t afford to have any more businesses closed down.”

  “Good thinking, brother.”

  The last thing we needed was Storm to lose its sources of income.

  13

  Sophia

  The sounds of the office reverberated around me, and the headache I’d had since I woke up this morning intensified. It was the first day back at work since Christmas and I wasn’t feeling it. The pool party yesterday had worn me out – between the alcohol and the sun, I’d been exhausted last night. Sleep had actually been my friend for the first time in ages, and I’d slept right through until six this morning. But now, at eleven thirty, I was ready to call it quits. Pity I still had another five and a half hours to go.

  “Sophia, have you finished that design for the Dawson job yet?”

  I looked up from my computer to find my boss, Andrew, standing in front of my desk looking at me with demanding eyes. He was always demanding something, and I was almost at breaking point with him. There was something to say for manners and office etiquette, but sadly he’d skipped that lesson in his work life.

  “Yes, I emailed you the info about ten minutes ago.” Take that, asshole.

  “I should have had it half an hour ago.”

  Oh my, God. Seriously?

  My face burnt as the anger moved through me. Clenching my fists so that I didn’t give him the finger, I said, “You’re interrupting my time here, Andrew. I’m almost finished with the next job so if you want that on time, I’d recommend you leave me be for the afternoon.”

  His eyes widened. “There’s no need for snarky comments.”

  “I beg to differ. You throw out nastiness like it’s going out of fashion, and I’ve put up with it for years now. I need you to know that starting from today, I’m not putting
up with it any longer.” I maintained eye contact with him and stood my ground. He couldn’t fire me, but he could make my work life more of a misery than it already was. And I guessed, he could talk to his superior and she could fire me. So this was a risky move, but screw it, I’d had enough.

  Anger rolled off him as he said, “We’ll see about that.” As he stalked to his office, I wondered what that meant, but I wasn’t wondering for too long because my phone rang, diverting my attention.

  Magan.

  “Hey sis, what’s up? It’s not like you to call me in the middle of the day.”

  “Sophia…” Her voice cracked and my skin prickled with apprehension. Something wasn’t right. “It’s Mum.”

  I frowned. “Who? Your foster mum?”

  She was silent for a beat. “No. Our mum.”

  My heart dropped to my stomach and my hand curled tighter around my phone. “What do you mean? I don’t understand…” My thoughts ran through my mind uncontrollably and my throat turned dry.

  What the hell does she mean, ‘our mum’.

  “I mean, our mother needs us. She’s sick in the hospital and has asked for both of us to go to her,” she snapped, anger clear in her voice. “Can you come pick me up so we can go and see her?”

  I hadn’t seen my mother since I was nine. Twenty years was a long time not to see or hear from the woman who was supposed to love you forever and teach you everything you needed to know to navigate life and love. The thought of seeing her today terrified the hell out of me and I wasn’t sure why.

  “Sophia, are you there?” Magan’s voice had an urgency to it and I realised she was desperate to see our mother.

  “What’s wrong with her? And how do you know this?” I asked. My brain was scrambling to make sense of it all, but I was coming up short today.

  “They think she’s had a heart attack. Sophia, she asked for them to call us.”

  I ignored the part about Mum asking for us, grabbed my bag and said, “I’ll come pick you up now.”

  “Thank you,” she said and I could hear the relief in her voice.

  I ended the call and left the office without informing Andrew. I didn’t need one of his high and mighty lectures about putting work first…not today.

  * * *

  “You’re not coming in?” Magan stared at me in confusion as I parked my car at the hospital.

  God, even just sitting in the car park of the same hospital my mother was in caused nerves to shoot through me. I didn’t understand my reaction, and I needed some quiet time to process it all. “I’m not ready to see her just yet,” I said softly.

  Frown lines marred her forehead. “But haven’t you wanted to see her your entire life? I don’t understand.”

  “I have,’ I said carefully, “but I’d accepted I would never see her again. That took me a long time and a lot of work to get to, and to now be presented with this…I need some time to get my head around it, that’s all.”

  “She might die! You might never get to see her again.” Her eyes were wild with confusion and a desperation I knew well. I’d suffered from that same desperation while growing up – desperate to see my mother again and to know that she really did love me even if she’d never told me or shown me.

  I nodded and took a deep breath. “I know. And that’s something I’ll have to deal with if it happens, but for me, right now, I need to not see her today. I know that won’t make any sense to you, and I’m sorry, but I can’t come in with you.”

  Frustration took over her features as she grabbed her bag. Opening the door, she got out of the car and then leant back in to say, “You’re right, it makes no sense. I just hope you don’t live to regret it.”

  “I hope so, too,” I said, and then added, “Do you want me to wait or will you phone me when you’re ready and I’ll come pick you up?”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll call Brody and get him to come pick me up after he finishes work.”

  I’d upset her, but that couldn’t be helped. These days I had to put myself first, especially where my mother was concerned.

  “Okay, but if you change your mind, let me know, okay?”

  “Yeah. Thanks for dropping me off,” she said and then walked away from me as my heart cracked a little. It felt like a divide had grown between us in the last five minutes, and I wanted more than anything to fix that. But the thing I’d learnt about life was that you couldn’t force something that needed time to heal.

  I started the car and drove home. It was only twelve thirty but I wasn’t going back to work; I’d never get any work done when my mind was all over the place like it was now.

  When I arrived home, I noticed Griff’s bike parked across the street. It had been two days since I’d seen or heard from him, and I didn’t expect he’d ever reach out to me again. God, why did I sleep with him? We could have just stayed friends.

  I collected my mail and trudged up the path to my front door. My thoughts banged around inside my head and I figured my headache was going nowhere now. Between my mother and Griff, they had my pain covered. When I made it to the front door, my gaze narrowed on the welcome mat. There was a pair of boxing gloves on it.

  What the hell?

  I bent to retrieve them, and realisation dawned on me. Without entering my house, I turned and marched across the street to Josie’s house. Her front door was open but neither she nor Griff were anywhere in sight, so I knocked and waited. A few moments later, he walked down the hallway towards me, and as much as I fought it, the sight of him caused butterflies in my tummy.

  No, no, no!

  To make matters worse, he only had on a towel.

  Wrapped around his freaking waist.

  His chest bare.

  His sexy ass muscles on full display.

  And his hair wet like he’d just stepped out of the shower.

  God, help me, ‘cause I’m not sure I can help myself.

  And then he spoke, and I remembered why I was here. “Sophia.” He said my name as if it was the last word he wanted to be saying, and it caused all the butterflies in my tummy to whoosh right on out. The hard look on his face did the same.

  I held up the gloves. “Did you leave these at my front door?” Even as I was holding them up, I was confused. If he didn’t want to be seeing me, why would he bring me gloves? This man made no sense.

  He eyed them and nodded. “Yeah, I thought you could use them for boxing classes.”

  I shoved them at him. “Thank you, but I don’t want them.”

  “I bought them for you. Keep them,” he growled as he pushed them back at me.

  Shaking my head in a crazed type way – like the freaking crazy woman I was today – I shoved them at him and said, “I can buy my own damn gloves, Griff. Screw needing a man in my life to do shit for me, because that clearly isn’t working out for me.” My eyes dropped to his chest before shifting back to his face. Gesturing at his body, I said, “And for the love of God, would you please put some clothes on? When the hell did it become alright for men to answer doors dressed in towels?”

  Without waiting for a reply, I turned and stalked down the stairs, across the street and into my house.

  Goddamn, fucking men.

  And then I collapsed onto my bed and let the tears stream down my face.

  Today was one of those days where it felt like everything and everyone was out to get me. My boss, my sister, my mum, and the man I wanted so damn bad.

  But mostly, it was my mum.

  I cried the tears that my nine-year-old self had cried when I came home from school to find my mother gone, and in her place, an aunt who didn’t want me.

  I cried the tears that my thirteen-year-old self cried when I got my period and didn’t know what the hell to do because my mother hadn’t been there to teach me and hold my hand through the transition into puberty.

  I cried the tears that my seventeen-year-old self cried when my heart had been broken by a boy for the very first time.

  And I cried the tears
that my twenty-eight year old self had cried last year when I’d made the decision to let my mother go – when I’d finally decided she was never coming back so I was best to move on and find love from other people.

  My mother didn’t love me enough to ever want to be in my life so why should I now love her enough to be there for her when she was sick and reaching out to me?

  And – oh, God – did it make me a bad person that I didn’t want to go to her?

  * * *

  I cried myself to sleep and slept for a few hours until someone banging on my front door woke me. Trudging to the door with a heart that felt as heavy as it had before I fell asleep, I hoped it would be someone who had good news for me. I was over the bad for today.

  Magan stood on the other side of my door when I opened it. She gave me a small smile and simply said, “I’m sorry.”

  I burst into tears again.

  She stepped inside and put her arms around me. “I’m such a bitch,” she apologised as she hugged me.

  Her touch was just what I needed, and I clung to her for a couple of minutes while the tears fell. When I let her go, I wiped my face and said, “No, you’re not. It’s just a shitty situation, and on top of that, I’ve had other crappy stuff happen today so I’m a blubbering mess. Just ignore me.”

  I led us to my kitchen and put the kettle on to make tea. While I made it, she sat at the kitchen counter on one of the stools and watched me.

  “How’s Mum?” I asked. God, it felt strange to call her that. In my opinion, the name ‘Mum’ was reserved for someone you knew almost as well as yourself, and I didn’t know this woman at all.