Illusive

by Nina Levine

  “Where are you?”

  “At the hospital.” My thoughts scrambled to make sense. I couldn’t make sense.

  “Which hospital, sweetheart?”

  “The Royal Brisbane.”

  “Which ward?”

  “I can’t remember. The one for heart attacks.”

  Don’t make me answer any more questions.

  I can’t do it.

  “I’ll be there soon.”

  And then he hung up, and I doubled over in pain.

  Emotional pain hurt so much more than physical pain sometimes.

  “Sophia.” My mother’s voice shifted through my consciousness. “Please don’t shut me out. I made a huge mistake all those years ago, and I want to try and make it right now.”

  I spun around and glared at her. “You can’t make this right. Not now. Not ever. I spent the last twenty years waiting for you to come back. And all that time I thought that if my own mother didn’t want me, how could anyone else want me? Do you know what that does to a child? To a person?” I glared at her harder. “It fucks them up,” I spat. “And, I’m done being fucked up. I’ve moved on and so should you.”

  As I turned to leave, her last words floated through the air. “I won’t give up, baby. I love you and I’ll show you that I mean it.”

  Her words were worthless to me. I stalked down the hospital corridor to the lift, oblivious to everyone around me. The lift took forever to come – well, it felt like forever – and I travelled down to the ground floor in silence, alone with my thoughts. When the elevator doors opened, I stepped outside and into Griff’s arms.

  And I collapsed into him in a mess of tears and sobs and hurt.

  He held me and let me cry it out, his hand running gently over my hair. When my tears dried up, I wrapped my arms around his waist, and clung to him.

  His body and soul were my refuge.

  Eventually, I lifted my face to look at him. His concerned eyes met mine, and he said, “I’m going to take you home now. Yeah?”

  I nodded.

  “We’ll take your car and I’ll come back and get my bike later.”

  I nodded again, and he led me towards the car park.

  And then he took me home and continued to be the amazing man I was fast learning he was.

  * * *

  I tried to swallow, but my throat was so dry that as much as I swallowed, nothing helped. Blinking awake, I found myself secured in Griff’s hold, up against his body again. This time on my bed.

  I shifted and his hold loosened enough for me to move to a sitting position. Swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, I moved off it to go in search of water. I made it to the kitchen, filled a glass and drank every last drop. Turning, I found Griff standing behind me, worry on his face.

  “Sorry,” I apologised as I placed the glass on the counter.

  “There’s no need to apologise.”

  “God, what time is it?”

  “Just after ten. You slept for hours which you must have needed.”

  “Thank you for coming to get me earlier…I don’t think I could have gotten myself home.”

  He moved closer to me. “Do you want to talk about it, sweetheart?”

  It was the last thing I wanted to talk about but the one thing I knew I had to talk about. I looked up into his face, and the care I saw there gave me the strength to bare my soul. “I haven’t seen my mother for twenty years, and she turned up two days ago, sick in hospital and wanted to see me. God knows what I thought would happen, but I went to see her after work today and it was the worst thing I could have done.”

  He took hold of my hand and led me to the couch. Sitting, he positioned me on his lap, his arm around me. “Start at the beginning,” he said.

  “The beginning?”

  “Why haven’t you seen her for twenty years?”

  Shit.

  Thinking about this was hard work. I wasn’t sure if it was good for a person’s soul to dredge the past up like this or not. But I wanted him to know me, and this was a huge part of me. “When I was nine, my father had a horse riding accident and ended up on life support. He was in a coma for months and my mother walked away from us. I came home from school one day and she was gone. Her sister took me in for a few months, but she didn’t want another kid to take responsibility for, and eventually I ended up in the foster care system. I think my aunt thought my mum would come back, or my dad would wake up, but Mum didn’t, and Dad passed away.”

  His jaw clenched. “You never saw her again?”

  “No, not once. And I never knew she had another daughter until six months ago when Magan searched for me. Mum had walked away from her, too. When she was five. She’s also now in the foster care system.”

  “Fuck,” he swore, and I completely agreed.

  I shifted so one arm was around him, and I tangled my fingers in his hair at the nape of his neck. “I don’t think I can ever bring myself to understand her actions. Maybe I went to her today hoping it would help, but it didn’t. It just dredged all the shitty feelings of not being worthy up. And hate…It brought up all the hate I feel towards her, and I don’t want to feel hate, but I do.” My voice cracked on that last sentence. I lived my life totally against the feeling of hate, but as much as I tried, I couldn’t stop that feeling from bubbling up when I thought of my mother.

  He was silent for a beat. When he spoke, I knew deep in my bones that he had first-hand experience with what he said. “Hate is a double-edged sword, baby. Sometimes it’s all you’ve got and all you’re capable of feeling. Sometimes it gets you through when nothing else can. When you think you’ll go fucking crazy from what you’re going through, you need something – anything – to grip onto and believe in…just to get you through to that next level of feeling. But it’s not a good place to be for too long. It’ll eat you up and rip your soul out if you hold onto it for any length of time. At some point you need to find a way to move past it, into an acceptance of sorts. You need to accept that the person will never be who you need them to be - and that’s on them, not you. Acceptance doesn’t mean you accept what they gave you…you never have to do that.”

  His words worked their way into my heart and I knew they would help me. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next month, but at some point they would be like a switch lighting up my darkness and leading the way for me to move past the feelings that didn’t serve me.

  I pressed my lips to his and kissed him.

  Slow and deep.

  I loved that he gave the same back to me. He didn’t push for anything else; he simply let me lead the way, and after last night, I knew that was out of character for him. And that meant so much to me.

  I felt special.

  He made me feel special.

  20

  Griff

  Sophia’s bed was empty when I woke and goddamn if that didn’t force me out of bed faster than I’d ever left one before. I found her sitting outside on her back patio in the morning sun, sipping coffee and staring into space.

  She turned when she heard me. “Morning, handsome.” Her smile lit her face, replacing the tears that had marred it yesterday. That smile could light a million dreams a man could ever dream.

  I bent to place a kiss on the top of her head. ‘Morning, beautiful.”

  Pointing towards the kitchen, she said, “There’s coffee, help yourself.”

  “You want another one?” I asked as my gaze roamed over her. She wore the skimpy shorts and tee pyjamas that she wore to bed last night. Those pyjamas drove me wild all night as I slept next to her. Every time my hand made contact with them, I had to rein in the overwhelming desire to rip them off. Last night hadn’t been about sex; it had been about Sophia trying to come to terms with the encounter she’d had with her mother. My need for her had to come second to that. If there was anything I understood in life, it was being fucked up by a parent.

  “No, I’m already on my second,” she answered and I left her to go and make coffee.

  The day st
retched ahead of me, half planned already. Nash had given me the information on the drug deal going down today that Ricky had assured us was a Storm deal. Scott, J, Nash and I would check it out and see if any Storm members were involved.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” Sophia said softly from behind me.

  I turned and frowned. “I told you that you never need to apologise.”

  “No, not for that…for, you know…oh, God…well, when a man starts seeing a woman, it’s all about the sex, right? And we had the most amazing sex the other night, and then the next day, I dump all that stuff on you about my mum, and you take it like a champion, and you stay the night, rather than running a mile like a lot of guys would. And you never even attempt to have sex with me, but I’m guessing it’s on your mind – I mean, it’s on my mind so it’s gotta be on your mind – but, damn, you’re not like any guy I’ve ever slept with, because all those guys would not have done what you did yesterday.” She took a breath and her eyes widened. “Oh, my goodness, that makes me sound like I’ve slept with a lot of guys, but I haven’t...well, I’m no prude, but I’m certainly no slut. I can count on two hands - ”

  I closed the distance between us and placed a finger to her lips. Fuck, she was cute when she rambled like this, but there was no way in hell I wanted to hear the number she was about to tell me. I didn’t need to be thinking of another man with his hands on her skin. “Sweetheart, I don’t want to ever hear an apology for not having sex with me fall out of your mouth again. And no, this isn’t just about the sex for me. If you haven’t worked that out yet, I need to do some serious work on my end of this relationship. But I will admit that you, and your body, and the sin you’re capable of leading a man into are always on my mind.”

  She gazed up at me with a look that took my breath away for a moment. I’d never had a woman look at me that way, as if all their suns could rise and set with me. And fuck if I didn’t like that. She opened her mouth to say something, but then snapped it shut. After a moment of silence, she smiled and said, “You don’t need to do any work on your end. I’m hearing you loud and clear; we’re on the same page. And tonight, I’ve got some temptation to lead you into.”

  Fuck.

  “Baby, you’ve already led me. I’m burning in the flames of hell because of the sins I want to commit with you.”

  Her smile grew and she brushed her lips across mine in a kiss. And then she deepened that kiss until my dick bulged in my jeans and I thought I would explode with need.

  Pulling my lips from hers, I rested my forehead against hers, and said, “As much as I’d love to finish that, I have to get to work. And a quick fuck won’t satisfy the need I have for you today. It would leave me just as frustrated as I feel now.”

  “Okay, handsome, you go to work and I’ll be waiting for you here when you finish,” she promised.

  The last thought I had as I left her house was to question what I’d ever done to have Sophia come into my life. I may have only known her a short time, but there were some people you met in life who you just knew had the possibility of becoming someone very important to you.

  Sophia was already one of those people.

  * * *

  “You really think someone’s gonna show?” Nash asked as he fidgeted next to me in the back of the van.

  We were waiting in position down the street from the rundown house in Redcliffe where his source had told him the drug deal would take place. The deal should have happened ten minutes ago, but so far, no one had turned up. Nash was all out of patience, but Scott and I had decided to give it some more time before we called it quits. We both felt in our guts that something was going on here, and we were committed to waiting it out.

  “Yeah, I do,” I answered him.

  “I’m wondering if Ricky’s fucking with us from the grave,” J chipped in.

  “Fuck me,” Scott muttered and shifted in his seat as if he was trying to get a better look at something. “Motherfucking asshole.”

  “Who is it?” I asked.

  “Fucking Keg,” Scott replied. “I would never have picked him to be involved in this shit.” Keg had been a loyal Storm member for eight years.

  “I would assume none of our members would be involved in this shit, brother,” I said.

  “True,” Scott agreed. “When there’s bank involved, you just never fuckin’ know. Fuck.” He opened his door and exited the van, and we all followed suit.

  A couple of minutes later, Scott kicked in the front door of the house and we entered. The plan had been to figure out the best course of entry once we got here, but it seemed Scott was running on anger now, so he didn’t stop to discuss it before he entered.

  The three guys standing at the kitchen table looked up in shock as we stormed the house. Fuck, this place stank, and the garbage littered over the table and on the kitchen counters reeked of deadbeats who didn’t give a shit and had no pride. I recognised Keg, but not the other two, which was strange because we pretty much knew every asshole drug dealer in this town.

  One of the guys pulled his gun and aimed it at us, but Scott was five steps ahead and shot at the dude’s leg before he could pull the trigger. The bullet grazed his lower leg and he yelled out in pain, but Scott ignored him. “I’m not in the mood to be fucked with today, motherfucker,” Scott thundered as he came to a standstill. Eyeing Keg, he said, “Wanna tell me what the fuck you’re doing here, Keg?”

  Guns were aimed all over the place as we all protected our own interests. Keg stared wildly at Scott. “How the fuck did you know about this?”

  Scott seethed. “I asked you a fuckin’ question, Keg, and I want that question answered so I can make a decision about what happens next. What the fuck are you doing here?”

  While Keg contemplated that, the drug dealer who hadn’t been shot spoke up. “I’m taking it that Storm had no idea this deal was going down?”

  Scott’s attention was focused completely on Keg, so I answered, “Not a fucking clue. We’ve made it clear we’re not interested in dealing anymore so I’m not sure why you’d arrange this thinking it was us.”

  Keg’s expression turned into a sneer. “Storm should be dealing. Hell, we used to be a force to be reckoned with, but now we’re the laughing fucking joke of Brisbane. Scott and you have seen to that. Marcus was right when he said Scott didn’t have the balls to run the club.”

  Scott’s last ounce of control snapped and he wrapped his hand around Keg’s throat. “It would seem we have a difference of opinion then, Keg,” he snarled. “And I bet you’re the one stirring up shit with Sydney, right?”

  Keg scoffed. “The club’s too easy to piss off; it was like a walk in the fucking park stirring them up. And King’s a pussy; he’d never act on his threats.”

  One of the drug dealers piped up. “This is between you guys…we’re gonna go.”

  Scott’s hand flicked around so he could aim his gun at the guy. “Sit the fuck down, and shut the fuck up. No one’s going anywhere until we’ve sorted this out.”

  The guy muttered something under his breath but he did what he was told, and Scott returned his gaze to Keg. “You seriously think King’s a pussy? You don’t know the man very well, but I’m thinking it’s time you two got acquainted.” He pulled his phone out and dialed a number. “King…I have a name for you…yeah, he’s the one you’re after…will do, brother. He’ll be waiting for you when you arrive.” He hung up and grinned like a mad man at Keg. There were days I was concerned Scott was heading down a path he didn’t want to be on, and today was one of them. “King’s on his way and I look forward to your play date with him.”

  “Fuck,” Nash muttered behind me, and I couldn’t help but agree. There was mad and then there was fucking insane, and I was fairly sure King fell into the latter category.

  Scott turned to us. “J, can you bring the van up and we’ll get Keg into it. We’re not letting him out of our sight until King arrives.” Looking back at the dealers, he said, “Storm’s out of drugs. Make su
re that knowledge gets spread far and wide, yeah?”

  They nodded their understanding, and we left them to get Keg into the van.

  What a way to end your year.

  21

  Sophia

  “So you guys are dating now?” Tania asked me over coffee. I’d scored an early mark off work and she had the day off so we’d arranged to catch up before she headed out to a New Year’s Eve party tonight.

  “I’m not sure what you’d call it, but it’s gone from him keeping his distance to all of a sudden being there for me. It feels like it could be dating.”

  She laughed. “You need to clear that up with him, girlfriend, so you know where you stand. What do you want it to be?”

  I smiled. “I want to get to know him, and spend time with him, and have lots of sex with him – and when I say lots, I mean lots, cause the man knows what he’s doing in that department – so yeah, I want it to be dating.”

  “And you don’t want to share him?”

  My heart screeched to an almost halt at the thought of sharing Griff. “Hell no, I don’t want to share him. Shit, do you think that’s what he wants?”

  She shrugged. “You know men…they often want different things to what we want.”

  The noise of the café swirled around me as I contemplated sharing Griff. I couldn’t do it. If that was what he was into, I would walk. It would be hard to do, now that my heart was sold on him, but sharing men didn’t work for me. Either the guy was all in or all out.

  “I’m going to talk to him about this tonight. God, I hope it’s not the end of what could be something amazing.” And if it was, it would also be a crappy way to end the year.

  My phone buzzed with a text.

  Griff: What time will you be home?

  Me: In about an hour.

  Griff: I’ve gotta mow for Josie. I’ll do yours, too.

  Me: So long as I can have front row seats.