Illusive

by Nina Levine

  Agony crumpled her face. “A letter…she’s not coming back, and she told me that you and I should stick together because she can’t be what we need.”

  She will never be what we need.

  We stared at each other, sharing our pain for a minute or so, and then I pulled her to me, and said, “I’m so sorry, Magan.” I fought the tears rushing at me and swallowed my own sobs sitting in my throat.

  I need to be strong for her.

  Don’t break down.

  Don’t you dare cry.

  She cried for another long stretch of time while I held mine back. When she stopped, she lifted her head. “I thought this time was going to be different.”

  Her words sat between us in a painful ache. How many times do you let someone trash your trust and abuse the love you’ve given them before you say enough is enough?

  I took a deep breath and attempted to give Magan the honesty she deserved. “Honey, our mother doesn’t know how to love. After all these years, I am convinced of that fact. I had hoped that perhaps it would be different for you than it was for me, because it seemed like she may have changed a little in the years between having us. She never visited me after she left, but she visited you, so I thought maybe that meant she would try harder with you. I never wanted to have to say these words to you, but although she gave birth to us, she isn’t a mother. A mother doesn’t abandon her children in the way ours did. And I know you think she was amazing to have visited you twice in your life, but that isn’t enough. A mother should be there to catch her child when she falls, not be the one who causes them to fall.” I took another deep breath, mainly to pull my tears in before they fell. And then I continued. “I will always be here for you. You have my word on that. Anything you need – anything at all – you will have from me.”

  She took all of that in while watching me with wide eyes. I wasn’t sure how she would react because I’d never been that forceful with her about my feelings. I’d always kept my thoughts to myself, not wanting to take any hope from her, but this was the last straw with our mother. And for her own sanity and self-esteem, Magan needed to hear those words today. I didn’t want her to spend years questioning her own worth in the same way I had.

  Eventually, she blinked and nodded. “I know you’re right, but I think there might be a part of me that will always hope she’ll come back,” she said softly, and I couldn’t fault her for having hope. It was something everyone should live with.

  “I know, honey…boy, do I know. I don’t ever want to take that away from you, but I want you to live with the truth of the situation and be realistic. False hope has more potential of hurting you than not having any hope at all.”

  This was a lot for a seventeen-year-old to deal with. She was at an age where her greatest worry should have been whether the boy she crushed on liked her back, and yet here she was dealing with pain that should never have been inflicted in the first place.

  She listened to what I said, and then she placed her head back on my shoulder. We stayed like that for a long time, holding each other while dealing with our own thoughts. She cried, but I stayed strong for her. After not having a mother to care for her all these years, I wanted to be there for her in that capacity. And mothers stayed strong for their children. They gave them whatever they needed before they even thought about themselves, and in this moment, I didn’t want to think about myself, and what I needed. If I did, I knew I would fall apart completely. My mother had torn the last shred of hope from my soul.

  * * *

  I stayed with Magan long into the night. When I finally got home at around ten, I had a long, warm shower and let my tears fall.

  Each tear sliced down my cheek with the pain of rejection, abandonment and love that had never been returned.

  Tomorrow I would be okay, but tonight I would let it all consume me.

  Tonight I would finally say goodbye to my mother.

  26

  Griff

  Fuck.

  I re-read Sophia’s text.

  Sophia: I’m home now.

  Me: Is Magan okay?

  She hadn’t replied and when I’d called, she hadn’t answered. Since she’d let me know earlier that she wouldn’t be home tonight because Magan had phoned her in distress, I’d been concerned. The worry in Sophia’s voice had been enough to worry me. I’d made her promise she’d let me know when she was home so I knew she was safe. To not hear back from her now caused me even greater concern.

  I grabbed my keys and headed out to my bike.

  When I pulled up outside Sophia’s house a little while later, I was surprised to find it in complete darkness. Even if she’d gone to bed straight away, she liked to keep one light on in the house. It was one of her quirky things she did – she’d told me it was something that had carried over from her childhood, and she hadn’t been able to let it go.

  I used my key and let myself in, heading straight for her bedroom. When I found her naked and sobbing on her bathroom floor, my heart crashed into my chest. She lay in the dark and wailed, and I felt every ounce of her pain. Her hurt engulfed her to the point she didn’t hear me come in. When I crouched next to her, and placed my hand on her shoulder, her head snapped up, and she stared at me through eyes I wasn’t sure even saw me.

  Grief.

  Devastation.

  Heartbreak.

  I saw it all in her eyes, and if I could have taken it all away for her, I would. Instead, I scooped her into my arms and carried her to her bed. She wrapped her arms around me, buried her face in my neck and sobbed. Her body shuddered with her cries, and I wondered what the fuck had happened to bring on this level of pain.

  Placing her on the bed, I found one of her t-shirts and put it on her. I then sat on the bed with my head against the headboard, and pulled her into my arms. She curled into me, almost sitting in my lap, and continued to cry. Long, deep, agony-filled wails of hurt filled the room. I sensed this must be to do with her mother, because these were not cries from a fresh cut, but rather from a long-held pain.

  Eventually, she lifted her head to look at me. “She’s gone.” She gulped a breath and continued, “I’d given up on her, but then Magan told me she had a photo of me and knew my address, and I thought maybe – just maybe – she’d been keeping track of me for a reason. I thought maybe this time really would be different.” A sob escaped her mouth, and I watched as her face crumpled with more tears. “None of it was true. She didn’t mean a word she said to me at the hospital, and now she’s gone. And I have to find a way to pick my pieces back up and put myself together again.”

  Fuck.

  Why do people hurt each other, over and fucking over?

  I wiped her tears and then tried to kiss them away. Trouble was, there were a lifetime of tears flowing down Sophia’s cheeks, and no amount of effort from me could stop them. One person held the key to those tears, and she’d proven her lack of interest in stopping them.

  “You’re not alone anymore, Sophia,” I said.

  She didn’t reply straight away, but, eventually, she whispered, “Thank you.”

  She placed her head against my body again, and stayed there for a long time as her tears slowly dried up. I would have held her there all night if she’d needed it. When she’d finished crying, she sat up and pulled her t-shirt off. “I need your skin tonight, Griff. Nothing else, just your skin next to mine. Can I have that?” Her words came out almost as if she was begging me.

  I nodded and lifted my t-shirt over my head. “Whatever you need, sweetheart, you’ve got.” I stood so I could remove the rest of my clothes and then settled into the bed next to her.

  She placed her head on my chest, and wrapped her arms and legs around me. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” she murmured.

  I knew exactly what she meant because I had the same thought about her.

  And I would make damn sure those tears were replaced with a smile.

  * * *

  The next morning, I woke to find her in the k
itchen, cooking breakfast, a smile on her face. I moved into her and slid my arms around her waist. After I’d kissed her, I said, “It’s good to see a smile on your face, but I’m not convinced. You don’t need to put on a happy face around me, sweetheart.”

  She was silent for a minute. “I’m not trying to fake it, but if I spend my days wallowing in my unhappiness, I’ll feel like shit. I’m working through my feelings but I’m not going to do that with constant tears. Does that make sense?”

  “Yes, but when you’re feeling overwhelmed, you come to me. I’ll work through whatever shit you need to work through with you,” I said firmly.

  She clasped her hands around my neck and pulled my face down towards her so she could kiss me. When she’d finished, she said, “I’m not used to having someone to count on like you, Griff. My natural reaction is to deal with stuff on my own, but I’ll try not to do that. I just need you to know it might take some time for me to get used to it, okay?”

  As usual, her raw honesty hit me in the chest.

  This is a woman I can trust.

  The thought flashed through my mind, unexpectedly, but clear as day.

  Fuck.

  I’d never expected to believe in a woman again, but I found myself unable to discount this truth. Sophia was a woman I could put my faith in. It would take me time, and I would do it slowly, but I knew without an ounce of doubt that she was a woman I could build a life with.

  “We’ve got all the time in the world, baby,” I finally said.

  The smile she gave me in return was the kind of smile I would do anything to earn.

  She pointed at me. “I’m going to finish making breakfast for you so you need to sit at the table and wait.”

  I shook my head. “No, Sophia, you need to get your ass into the bedroom and get naked for me. Breakfast can wait,” I growled.

  Her eyes widened, and I watched as heat flared in them. A moment later, she did as I’d said, and as I took in the sight of her discarding her t-shirt while she walked, I decided that lunch could also wait. Sophia would be busy for the rest of the fucking day.

  * * *

  My phone rang at six the next morning. It was the call I’d been waiting for, but hoping would never come.

  “Danny,” I said, noting his name on my screen.

  “Today’s the day, Michael. There will be a media conference and the case will be announced. Your name won’t be revealed yet, but it won’t take long before it’s out there.”

  Goddamn.

  We’d just needed a few extra days for Bond to be taken care of. Maybe Blade could still pull it off, but with each passing day, I felt a level of concern I’d never felt before.

  You’ve got something to lose now.

  Sophia.

  “Thanks for the head’s up,” I said and ended the call.

  Sophia rolled to curl up next to me. She reached her arm across my chest and laid it there. “Everything okay?” she mumbled.

  “Yeah, baby. Go back to sleep.”

  I have to take care of this.

  I’d worked out a worst-case scenario plan in my head, and I now knew I was going to have to put it into action. I only hoped it didn’t backfire on me, because if it did, I would find myself not in control for the first time in many years, and that was not a place I wanted to be.

  * * *

  “Are you out of your fucking mind?” Scott asked, disbelief written across his face.

  I nodded. “Probably, but I don’t see many other options.”

  We were in his office, a few hours after my phone call from Danny, and I had just shared my plan with him.

  “When do you want to do this?”

  “Today. Call Church for one hour’s time. We need to get the ball rolling.”

  He stared at me for a while and then scrubbed his hand over his face. “This is your call, brother. I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “You and me both,” I said as he sent the text out calling the boys in.

  An hour later, he announced to our members, “Griff’s got something to discuss with you all, and before he does, I need to say that I’ve known about this for a little while now, and I have his back fully. Before you make any snap decisions regarding what he tells you, take a minute to remember everything we’ve all been through. This club isn’t just about family and loyalty, it’s also about sticking together through the shit, and accepting that none of us are fucking perfect.”

  The mood in the room turned sombre and all eyes turned to me. I made a point to look everyone in the eye as I spoke. “Ten years ago, my family were tortured and murdered. My father was a cop and had been investigating Storm, and in particular, Marcus. I was working in private investigations so I used my skills and contacts to investigate my family’s deaths, and everything led me to believe Marcus was behind them.” I paused for a moment, mentally preparing myself to share the secret I thought I’d take to my grave with me – the secret that could change my life completely. “When I couldn’t pin it on him, I walked away. Years passed, but I had to come back and avenge their deaths, and to do that, I had to get close to Marcus…I had to join the club.”

  I stopped talking as many of the boys swore, their faces revealing their shock.

  “Fuck!” J roared as he shoved his chair back and stood. “You’ve been fucking deceiving us all this time?”

  “Let him finish,” Scott said, his hard eyes on J, warning him to let it go for now.

  “You better have something good to say, Griff, ‘cause at the moment, I’m struggling to grasp this,” J said as he sat back down.

  “A year or so after I joined the club, I discovered Marcus hadn’t killed my family, and I could have walked then, but I didn’t want to. Storm was my family by then, and my loyalty was and still is one hundred percent with the club.”

  J narrowed his eyes on me. “Why are you telling us this now, Griff? There’s gotta be a reason to explain why, after three years, you suddenly come clean.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Years ago, my cousin who is a cop asked me to help him investigate the double murder of Leon Bond and his girlfriend. I was close to my cousin back then and helped him - ”

  Nash cut me off. “Fuck, that is one fucked-up family to get involved with, brother.”

  Brother.

  I nodded. “It was, but I didn’t realise it at the time. I mean, no one assumed his crazy brother, Jeffrey, would turn out to be the killer. In the course of my investigation, I witnessed Jeffrey kill another guy who knew he was the murderer. And that was one of the key parts of the case, which means they want to call me as a witness in the trial.”

  “Hasn’t that trial been put on hold?” Nash asked.

  “It’s about to be announced that it’s going ahead soon,” I replied.

  “And that’s why you’re telling us all this now,” J muttered. “And on top of all this, you’re from a family of cops?”

  My frustration grew. “Yes, but I walked away from that, J. I have no ties to any of them, and I haven’t for years.”

  “Once a fucking cop, always a fucking cop,” J spat, his eyes full of anger.

  My tightly controlled anger snapped. “I was never a fucking cop, J. And after the things I’ve seen cops do, I have very little respect for the badge, if any. You have a right to be angry with me for not being honest about who I really am, but don’t lump me with them,” I roared.

  J pushed his chair back, and stood again. “I’ll fucking do whatever the fuck I want, Griff. It seems that’s what you do. What the fuck else have you lied to us about?”

  I stood also. “My life’s an open book now, J. Ask me whatever the fuck you want to know.”

  Scott’s chair scraped as he shoved it back and stood. “We all need to settle down and figure out where we go from here.” His jaw clenched, and his eyes flashed his anger.

  J glared at me, and took a step backwards. It looked like he was about to walk out, however his phone rang at that moment, distracting him. He jabbed at it to end the call
, but a moment later, it rang again. Scowling, he answered it. “Madison, I’m kinda in the middle of something.” He listened to what she said, and his free hand raked through his hair as he roared out, “Fuck! Close the fucking shop and wait there. I’ll be there soon.”

  Before he’d ended the call, Nash’s and Scott’s phones rang, and I watched as they appeared to have similar conversations as J just had.

  When they ended their calls, I said, “We’ve got a problem, haven’t we?” My gut knotted with worry. This wasn’t going to be good.

  Scott nodded. “Yeah, brother, we do.” He turned his gaze to J and Nash, and said, “I take it Bond’s family just paid a visit to Velvet and Madison.”

  J’s anger rolled off him now, and he threw me a glare before answering Scott. “Yes. They threatened that if Griff testified, they would come after her.”

  Fuck.

  “Same,” Nash said, his eyes blazing with anger.

  Scott’s phone rang again, and he had a heated discussion with someone who I presumed wasn’t Harlow from the way he was speaking. When he ended the call, he eyed me. “That was one of Bond’s men. He told me they don’t want a problem with Storm; they just want you. They want me to deliver you to them today.”

  Everyone began throwing in their two cent’s, and I took the opportunity to call Sophia. I had to make sure she was okay.

  “Hey, handsome,” she greeted me, and I let go of the breath I’d been holding.

  “You okay?” I asked, not wanting to worry her, but needing to make sure.

  “Yes. Why?”

  “Are you at work, Sophia?”

  “Griff, you’re worrying me. You sound tense. And yes, I’m at work.”

  I blew out a breath. “Good. Nothing to worry about, sweetheart. I was just checking in on you.”

  “Mmmm…I’m not convinced. You would tell me if I needed to worry about you, wouldn’t you?”