by Nigel Bird
BEAT ON THE BRAT
(and other stories)
dedicated to
Amy Winehouse
and the children of Norway
BEAT ON THE BRAT (And Other Stories)
Copyright 2011 Nigel Bird
Published by Nigel Bird
Contents
BEAT ON THE BRAT
Winner of the Watery Grave Invitational Contest 2011
Published in Needle Magazine Summer 2010
Nominated for ‘Best Story Online’, Spinetingler Awards 2011
MIND YOUR STEP
Published in Microw,Winter 2010
BACK IN BLACK
5th place, Watery Grave Invitational Contest 2011
SNOW-ANGEL
First published at ‘Not From Here Are You?’ 2011
SUGAR AND SPICE
First published at ‘A Twist Of Noir’ 2010
HOODWINKED
First published at ‘All Due Respect’ 2011
REGRET
DANCE WITH ME
KILLER HAIKU
Foreword
People sometimes wonder about me as a writer. Wonder why my tales are so dark. So sad. So lacking in hope.
I can’t answer them as to why they turn out in such a way, but I do know that terrible things happen.
As I put this collection together, my mind is still yet to settle from the terrible events in Norway this weekend as well as the tragic death of the amazingly talented Amy Winehouse.
Here we have mass murder on a terrific scale on the one hand, and an example of a human being who’s fragility has been bashed by life one too many times on the other.
My stories are dark. I make no apology for that. Maybe it’s the way I contain sadness.
In spite of the weekend’s events, I remain optimistic.
Norway’s carnage took place at a gathering of young people who must have been full of life when they got together. Such gatherings will continue, regardless of what’s happened. Maybe they’ll be bigger. Spread across nations. Allow for gentle, unselfish thoughts. Here’s hoping.
And Miss Winehouse. Sure, there was pain, but the mere fact that she was able to record so much material smacks to me of positive energy, an ‘in-spite-of’ act if you will.
So here’s my second collection.
It’s full of difficult material, it’s true. The mere fact that it’s out here for you demonstrates my own positive energies.
I hope you enjoy it, hope you remember that my world of writing is an expression of life, hope you leave this work ready to perform acts of kindness for those around you as you’ll well know by the end of this some of the consequences of letting things slip.
Thanks for being here.
Nigel
Beat On The Brat
1
He makes us anything we want, the clown on the stilts. Hearts or dogs or swords. Whatever we can think of.
“What’ll it be, bud?” He looks down from his great height and smiles. I don’t know why he puts on the lipstick - he doesn’t need it. Grin’s as wide as the Brooklyn Bridge and I should know - I seen it once.
“Giraffe,” I tell him.
“Speak up son,” he says, “It’s a long way for sound to travel.”
“The magic word?”
“Sorry, son. What’ya say?”
“Giraffe, please.” It wasn’t any louder, but he reaches into his apron pocket.
“Colours?”
I tell him blue and yellow and this time remember the magic. He messes with the tangle of rubber worms and picks the ones he needs.
Starts with the blue, gives it a stretch. As far as his arms will go. Takes one up to his lips and fills it with an enormous breath till it looks like a huge salami.
“How d’you do that, Stevie?” Joey, my little brother, always asks the same things. Stevie never seems to mind.
“Did martial arts and yoga when I was a kid,” he says and turns and twists his balloons. “Get fit now and you’ll be fit for life.”
It looks like the neck and head, a long snout with two sausage ears.
“You always been a clown, Stevie?”
He takes his time to answer and his eyes go misty. Maybe it’s all the puffing and blowing.
The yellow balloon fills with air. He ties a knot in the end. Looks at it for a moment and smiles again.
“Just the way it turned out.” The yellow balloon squeaks as he works it.
“Tell us, Stevie,” Joey says. “Tell us the story.”
We know he will. He tells it the same every Sunday when we stop on the way home from practice.
This time I don’t even listen. Don’t have to. I look down at Joey and see the wonder in his eyes. It’s like Stevie’s Christ and we’re his disciples.
Story goes he was signed up for the Yankees on account of him being a big hitter at college. Nobody had seen anyone like him since ‘Babe’ the way he tells it.
First time at the Yankee Stadium he scored two home runs. Flew right over the fence. Guy called Bill Addler dislocated his shoulder trying to catch him. Shouldn’t have bothered according to Stevie.
Asked Pops about Addler. Remembers it cos he was there. Fine player, pop says. A real terrier.
So was Stevie. Real potential. Shame the way it happened to him.
After the game, Stevie’s the hero. They go celebrate even though they’ve told the coach they’re heading home. Ends up in a bar at the end of the earth and takes a lift home with some old lush.
Lush runs a light. Gets himself killed.
Gets Stevie a glass eye and a bit of brain damage.
Stevie always takes his eye out when it gets to that part. Let’s us have a play so long as our hands are clean.
Feels warm like it’s alive.
He hands over the giraffe to me and leans down to Joey.
“What’ll it be today?”
One of the geeks walks right between us, almost knocks Stevie over. Brushes the giraffe from my hands.
He never looks where he’s going.
Always dress the same, him and his mates. Ripped jeans, leather jackets and hair like girls. Not a spare ounce on their bodies.
Spend half their time hopped up on glue – I seen ‘em with their bags out on the stoop. The other half they’re making tunes. Don’t pay no attention to us, normally.
Pop says that guys like them should be drafted into the army. They’d learn ‘em a thing or two.
I don’t know about that.
I’ve heard ‘em play down in the garage. Make me feel good, their songs. Like they wanna be somewhere else or somebody else or something. I think I understand.
Stevie shouts over.
“Careful where you go, son,” he says, in a nice voice, like he’s trying to be kind.
The boy looks up. Can’t see his eyes cos of his shades and the flop of hair.
“Sorry,” he says and takes his hands out of his pockets. Comes back and picks up the giraffe and gives it to me. “Sorry kid.”
He puts his hands back in his pockets and gets on his way again. I wonder where he’s headed. Then he looks round. Speaks.
“How you doin’, Stevie?” He says it like they know each other, but not well.
“Same old things, Little Man. Same old things.”
Stevie leans down to Joey.
“A dog in a heart, please.”
He picks out two pink balloons, same as always, one dark one light.
2
She’s so fucking hot, man. Melting.
Debbie. Hell rhymes with that? Heavy?
Debbie / she’s so heavy / ba ba ba ba, ba ba.
Makes her sound fat. Definitely not the way into her skirt.
T
hat skirt. Shit. It’s like she’s tellin’ us to come and get it. Gotta get me a piece of the action or I’ll die a fucking monk.
What about that place in sunny Afrique?
Entebbe. With the hijack. Could work.
Like the folk on the planes down in Entebbe / I’m a hostage to love with a girl called Debbie / ba ba ba ba, ba ba.
Hotdog! A million fucking dollars.
Better get me a pen.
And glue. My head feels tight. Need to loosen things up in there.
Fuck was that?
“Careful where you go, son.”
I aint nobody’s son. Not any more. If I ever see that bastard, I’ll suck his lungs out through a straw and spit them right back in his face.
“Sorry,” I tell them. McKendrick’s kids. Hang round on Lex. Seen the big one by the garage. He’s OK. Shame they still got a father. Poor sods.
“Sorry kid.” I really am.
Christ, he’s got the giraffe. Always my favourite.
Wonder if Stevie’s still telling the way it used to be. Wouldn’t mind seeing him pop his eye.
“How you doin’, Stevie?” He’s looking good. Hair’s a bit longer. Maybe not so orange. Teeth busted up. But good. Maybe I should ask him to see his eye.
“Same old things, Little Man. Same old things.”
Little Man. Fucker’s going make me cry. I’d better move. Always used to call me Little Man. Made me feel special. Like I had a friend, you know?
Hope the guys are ready. I need to blow off some shit. Rip into the bag and get me singing.
My turn to get pizza. Two extra large.
Christ. McKendrick’s steaming again. Slumped in the street with his bottle in a bad.
Wouldn’t swap places with those kids. Better not to have a dad than to get stuck with one like that.
“Asshole,” he shouts. “Come here asshole.”
Don’t look like he can walk. Think I’m going over there to get myself a kicking? No way, man.
“You chicken, boy?”
Get called a lot worse than that. Chicken. I eat fucking chicken.
“Come over, you streak of piss. Come an I’ll shave your hair, you hippie freak.”
“So long sir,” I tell him. “Have a nice day.” Then I whisper. “Prick.”
You know, one day he’s gonna be asking for my fucking autograph. And you know what I’m gonna say when he does?
Well nor do I, not yet. But it’s gonna be good, I tell ya. It’s gonna be a peach.
3
Boys like that, Joey and Ray and Little Man, they’re the future. The way it’s going to be.
I’m glad I know them. Means I’ll be around even when I’m gone, wrapped up in their heads like precious stones.
That’s what I don’t tell them, see. That I’m happy doing what I do. Seems more important to them that I was a hotshot with a bat many moons ago.
Their pappa, now he remembers the way it was.
Caught those pitches like they were sent down by first-graders. First-grade girls at that. I’ll never forget the balls, way they flew like they were going into orbit. That was some day.
Nowadays I got me an art form to keep me occupied.
Yankies still look after me, even now. Thirteen years on. Cheque’s in the post first of the month, regular as a vegetarian.
This just gets me out. Meeting the future. Looking after it. Keeping it safe. Place like this, somebody has to. Somebody needs to be their catcher in the rye.
4
“Dunno where he is,” I tell Joey. Down at the bar, I guess. Prick.
Ain’t got no money left now we bought our balloons.
Joey’s not feeling so good. Maybe it was the ice-creams that did it.
“When can we go in, Ray?”
Wish I knew. “In a few minutes. Mom’ll be back from work soon. Or Dad’ll come.”
“I wanna go to Pop’s,” he says. It’s a good idea, only we haven’t got the fare.
“What about your dog?” I ask. “What does he want to do?”
“He wants to go to Pop’s, too.”
Even the balloon dog knows where we should head.
The geeks come out from their session. Sounded good, what I heard. Got a new song about Debbie. Something about love and planes.
“Your old man’s down at Blake’s,” Little Man shouts over. Funny, he looks like he’s smiling. “Wanna hang out for a while? Get some pizza?”
I look down at Joey. He nods and looks at the dog in the heart. The dog nods too.
“If you like,” I tell him.
“Don’t be doing me any favours, now,” he says.
They walk along the street, heads down and nodding like their necks are busted.
Joey puts his hat on and picks up his dog and his bat. Maybe he smells a game. I get the ball and the mitt to keep him happy. No point telling him these boys don’t play. Reckon the last time they got any exercise they were running from the cops.
Little Man stops and turns towards us. Looks down at the balloon dog. “Cool,” he says, then he turns round quick. Starts walking away before we get there.
“Ray.” Sounds like Dad. “Ray, you keep away from those layabouts, understand.”
“Least those layabouts are here for us.”
I shouldn’t have said it. I know better. Keep quiet when he’s drinking, Mom says, and I try. Only the words are out and it’s too late.
He storms over like he’s defending the Alamo. Bright red cheeks, wheezing, a cigarette stuck to his lips.
“What you say?”
I see Little Man turn to look at me. He doesn’t speak, but I know what he’s thinking. ‘Keep your mouth shut, boy. Don’t say a word.’ I get it. I say nothing.
“He said they were here for us.” Joey doesn’t know any better. He doesn’t mean to make it worse, only I know he’s just thrown me into a bucketful of shit.
Little Man’s still watching. Like he’s thinking what to do. He looks real pale in the sunlight.
“Gimme the bat,” Dad says to Joey.
Joey slips it behind his back. He’s a good boy.
“Give it to me.” Joey holds still.
Dad reaches over. Grabs the handle. Lifts it into the air. Joey holds on tight, his legs dangling and kicking the air. Dad shakes the stick, pulls at his fingers, lets Joey fall to the ground.
Before I can move, I see him swing.
It’s coming right for me. I look at Little Man.
It hits. I know it hits. Only there’s no pain. Just a massive crunch. Like nutting a wall when you’re angry. Doesn’t feel right.
I’m on the floor. I feel it now. A dark wave of icy water running through my body.
I look for Little Man. Try to hear what’s going on. My eyes won’t see. My ears won’t hear. I think of hitting a homer at The Stadium, see the ball curve. I think of Stevie smiling. I think of my giraffe, of yellow and blue.
5
Bastard Mckendrick. Same as all the grown-ups round here, a useless fucking slob.
I ever end up like him, I’ll give Dee Dee a gun. Get him to pull the trigger.
Stupid brat. Why’d he have to open his mouth.
“You got no right to beat on the brat, asshole,” I tell him. “Not with a fucking baseball bat.”
I’ll write a song about it one day. Tell the world.
I run to catch up with the guys. No way I’m staying around to find out what he thinks. No way he’s coming after me. Besides, somebody needs to call an ambulance.
6
I don’t have to think.
Before I know it, I’m home, opening the display cabinet in the bedroom.
First time it’s been out in thirteen years. Unlucky for some.
I don’t need to read the inscription underneath. I know that off by heart.
“To Stevie Boyle. In honour of what might have been.”
Felt good to have a bat in my hand again. I gave it a quick look, the autographs as vivid as they were the day they were written.
/> I almost trip over the stilts on the way out. Kick them against the wall and start to run. Without them my trousers are three feet too long, but what the hell. Doesn’t stop me taking the stairs two at a time.
He’s still there, standing over the kid and shouting at Joey. People like him, they need a lesson.
There are men that share their sperm and there are fathers. I think about that when I get to them.
I don’t imagine I ever swung as good, even at college.
The back-lift, the arc of the bat, the sound of the air being sliced all just as I remember.
Then there’s the contact. Sweet as a nut. Crisp and mighty.
Easy as taking the top of a boiled egg.
I look down and see what I’ve done. Look carefully in there for precious stones.
Nothing sparkles. Nothing shines. All I see is grey mess, spreading over the sidewalk like the arms of an octopus.
Joey steps over. Holds tight onto my leg. Burries his head into my trousers. Looks up. I rub his hair. Feel nine foot tall.
Mind Your Step
“Mind your step.” Dr Chrome held open the door.
“The basement, huh?” Jess walked in anyway. Caught a look at Chrome’s shoes. Polished to perfection. “That’s unusual.”
“Rooms are hard to come by.”
“Least you don‘t have any distractions.”
“There’s plenty to catch the eye.” Chrome did some checking out of his own. Didn’t stop at the shoes, either.
“Bet you say that to all your guinea-pigs.”
