by Noelle Adams
“I know you are. That’s why I said you could put your foot down.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Something’s not right here.”
“Why would you say this?”
“Because you’re not the most compliant of women.”
Lila had been compliant. Sweet and loving and tiny and as delicately beautiful as a porcelain doll. And naturally submissive. The perfect pastor’s wife. Everything Jessica was not.
But Jessica was determined to do this right—to be as perfect a pastor’s wife as she could possibly be.
As long as Bear didn’t get turned out of the bedroom.
“Why would you say that? I can be just as compliant as anyone else.”
Daniel suddenly choked on a burst of amusement. “Arguing with me about how you’re compliant is not the way to prove your point.”
His amusement was infectious, but she managed not to smile—since it seemed to give him some sort of victory.
“Anyway,” she concluded, “the point is that you put your foot down and that’s totally fine with me. Bear sleeps on her bed. Most of the time.”
***
“You look absolutely beautiful,” Martha Hendricks gushed. “I had no idea you could look so beautiful.”
Martha was the wife of one of the church elders, and Jessica had known the woman all her life. Martha made sure she got her hands in any event that occurred at the church, including Jessica’s wedding.
At the moment, the gray-haired woman was fluttering around a large Sunday School room, which had been turned into a dressing room for the occasion.
The wedding wouldn’t start for another hour, but Jessica was already dressed. She didn’t know why she was so nervous. She didn’t usually get uptight about things.
But she was really nervous.
One of the women from church who ran a beauty salon had done Jessica’s hair and makeup—curling her long straight hair until it fell in soft waves around her shoulders and applying more makeup than Jessica had ever worn in her life, although everyone assured her it looked very natural and wasn’t nearly as much as most women wore for their wedding days.
She’d then put on her dress and, with nothing else to do, was left waiting the rest of the time remaining. In the last fifteen minutes, her anxiety had built up to a frantic blur.
“Thank you,” she told Martha. She wasn’t sure she was beautiful, but at least she looked prettier than she normally did. “What time is it?”
“One-thirty,” Kim said. Her friend was her only attendant, since Jessica didn’t have a huge circle of close friends and had almost no family. Daniel had a lot more friends, but his only attendant was his brother, Micah. “It’s still a half-hour until the photographer wants to do pictures.”
“Okay.” Restless, Jessica walked over to where her mother was sitting in a corner near the window, wearing a pale blue suit. “Are you doing okay, Mom?”
Her mother blinked at her with a familiar vague expression. “You’re getting married.”
It was almost a question, as if she’d just learned of the fact.
“Yeah. I’m getting married.”
“To Daniel, who broke my window.”
Jessica smiled, pleased her mother remembered so much and could put the pieces together today. She’d been concerned such a long outing today would rattle her mother and overtire her. “Yeah. I’m marrying Daniel.”
“I still can’t believe it myself,” Martha said, bustling around organizing and reorganizing the bouquets that were already in perfect order, since Jessica had laid them out herself. “Everyone was so surprised.”
“Well, we were kind of surprised ourselves,” Jessica said casually. “It just sort of happened.”
“After poor Lila, we weren’t sure he would ever move on. She was such a sweet, pretty thing—with the most angelic spirit. And you’re just so different. We never would have guessed.”
Jessica let out a breath and refused to let such comments bother her. She could well imagine the gossip prompted by her engagement to Daniel. She could hear the conversations about how no one could believe Daniel would choose plain old Jessica Cameron, after he’d had the sweetest, most beautiful wife a man could want.
Gossip was inevitable in a small town. It was inevitable in a church—just as in any other place where people gathered. They didn’t know the whole story, so they would put the pieces together as best they could.
Daniel hadn’t chosen her because she was beautiful, sweet, desirable, or even good wife-material.
He’d chosen her because she was convenient and he liked her.
And that was okay. This was still what she wanted. She couldn’t have everything, but she could have a lot.
A knock on the door distracted her from her mental pep rally.
Kim went to answer, and she squealed when she opened the door a few inches. “Hey! Get out of here!”
Jessica instinctively stepped toward the door. “Is it Daniel?”
“No, it’s Micah.”
Kim said through the crack in the door, “Whatever you want can wait until after the—”
Daniel’s brother was friendly and laidback, always with an edge of laughter in his voice. “I’ve got something to give her. As long as she’s decent, I don’t know why I can’t—”
“He can come in,” Jessica interrupted. “What does it matter?”
Kim and Martha reluctantly stood aside to let him enter. Micah was good-looking, about Daniel’s height but with darker hair and blue eyes. He looked particularly handsome dressed in formal attire. He was just a few months older than her, but he’d always been popular in school, which she never was, so they’d never really been friends growing up. Unlike Daniel, he hadn’t dropped by their house very often.
“You look great,” he said, looking slightly surprised.
“Thanks.” She couldn’t quite keep the irony from her tone. “So do you. What did you have to give me?”
He held a small box that must be for her.
“Can we have a minute?” he asked, glancing over at Kim and Martha, and then over at her mom.
It was quite clear from the other women’s faces that they thought Daniel had made some sort of romantic gesture with this gift. Jessica wasn’t a bit deceived on this matter, but she was still touched that he’d thought about doing something nice for her.
Jessica gestured to Kim, who helped her mother out, and Martha vacated the room too, still grumbling about how this wasn’t done. It just wasn’t done.
“So what’s going on?” Jessica asked, when she and Micah were left in the room alone.
“He wanted you to have this.”
She reached to take the little red box and carefully lifted the lid. Inside was a delicate gold chain from which hung a small charm. In the gold was engraved the image of a dog—one that looked a lot like Bear.
She burst into laughter , the pressure of emotion filling her chest. “Where on earth did he find this?”
“He couldn’t find one he liked, so he had it custom-made.”
She swallowed a sharp breath and lifted the necklace with careful fingers, as if it might break. “That was so sweet of him.”
“Can I tell him you think he’s sweet?” Micah asked, a characteristic teasing note in his voice. “He’d just love to hear that.”
“No. Just tell him thank you.” She clasped the chain and settled the charm at her throat. Then she suddenly felt thoughtless and selfish, since she didn’t have a thing for Daniel.
When Micah just stood there, shifting from foot to foot, she frowned. “Was there something else?”
“Are you sure about this?” he asked.
“What do you mean?” She blinked at him, trying to push past the swell of affection for Daniel and focus on what Micah was saying.
“I mean about this.” He gestured vaguely around. “Are you sure about it?”
“The wedding you mean? The marriage? Why wouldn’t I be sure about it?” The affection had transformed into an odd ki
nd of anxiety—as if she dreaded what Micah was about to say, although she had no idea what it was.
“I don’t know. It just seems kind of sudden.”
“I’ve known Daniel all my life. We’re not jumping into things.”
Micah looked slightly uncomfortable, and he glanced away from her. She’d never seen him so serious before. “Yeah. I know. I just didn’t think it was romantic between you.”
“What’s your point, Micah? Just get it said.” She wished her voice wasn’t quite so sharp, but she couldn’t help it. She felt defensive, like she had to put up her guard against whatever he was about to tell her. “Do you think I’m not good enough for him or something?”
“No,” he said, his eyes widening in surprise. “No, nothing like that. I was actually worried for you. You know Daniel. If he has something stuck in his head, he can’t let it go.”
She was confused now and increasingly upset, but she tried to hide it behind casual irony. “He is kind of stubborn. I know that. But what does that have to—”
“It’s more than stubborn.” He rubbed a hand through his hair, mussing it completely. “I mean the way he gets something in his head about the way things are supposed to be and then refuses to change his mind, no matter what. You know how he got it in his mind where he was supposed to go to college and, even when he didn’t get that scholarship he expected, he still wouldn’t even think about going somewhere else. He could have gone to UNC for practically nothing—they have a great program—but he wouldn’t even consider it.”
“I know all this. So what’s your point?” She was starting to get a sense of his point, though, as Micah looked increasingly self-conscious. “He felt called in a certain way. The same thing with pastoring this church. He’s always believed God wants him here. That’s not a bad thing.”
“It is when he gets an idea he won’t let go of, even if it’s wrong.”
Jessica clenched her fists at her side, realizing now what Micah meant. Daniel had it in his mind that Lila was the wife always intended for him, and he hadn’t let that go, even though she’d died. No one would ever be able to take her place in his heart. “I see…”
“Do you? I don’t know if you do or not. I’m really sorry to bring all this up, Jess. It’s awful timing, I know—but, even though he loves you, I just don’t know if he’s ready to get married.”
That surprised Jessica, since she’d thought he’d guessed that Daniel didn’t really love her. Kim was the only person she’d told about their real arrangement, and Daniel hadn’t told anyone.
Micah continued, “I haven’t been able to sleep, thinking about what you might be getting into. And pretty soon there won’t be an easy way out.” Micah looked as earnest as she’d ever seen him. “You deserve better.”
She shook her head, liking this side of Micah but kind of sick about what he’d just told her.
Even though she’d already known it.
“Thank you for thinking of me,” she said gently, keeping her reaction out of her voice. “I understand what you’re saying, but you don’t need to worry about it. Daniel and I understand each other. We have everything worked out. I know what I’m getting into, and I promise you—this is what I want.”
“You’re sure?” Micah’s blue eyes searched her face.
“I’m sure.”
“All right. You’ll be good for him. I just hope he’s good for you too.”
A heavy knocking on the door interrupted her response. Then Daniel’s voice sounded from outside. It was impossible not to recognize his warm, resonant baritone. “Micah? What are you doing in there?”
“Giving her the necklace. What do you think?”
“It’s taking an absurdly long time.”
“I’m done.” He stepped over and kissed Jessica on the cheek. “I’ll pray for you. Living with him, you’re going to need it.” The laughter was back in his voice, and it made her feel a lot better, like things were normal again.
Daniel said, “So get out of there. I need to talk to her too.”
“No!” That was Kim, from outside the door. “No peeking before the wedding.”
“I need to talk to her for a minute. I’ll close my eyes if I have to.”
“It’s fine,” Jessica interrupted, walking with Micah to the door. “He can come in. I’m not big on tradition anyway.”
It wasn’t true, but there was no use in getting hung up on tradition for this particular wedding. Daniel wasn’t going to be blown away on first seeing her walk down the aisle.
Micah left, and Jessica was standing in the middle of the room when Daniel came in and shut the door.
He wore a black tux—no tails or bowtie, since it wasn’t a very formal wedding—and he looked so handsome and sophisticated she couldn’t breathe for a few seconds.
She couldn’t believe she was actually marrying him.
Pulling it together, since no good would come from swooning over how gorgeous and masculine he looked, she asked, “So what’s up?”
He didn’t answer. He just stared at her with the strangest look on his face.
“Daniel?” she prompted. Maybe he was feeling guilty or uncomfortable and wanted to call the whole thing off.
She’d given up the little house she’d rented. She’d said all her goodbyes in Charlotte. She’d packed up her entire life to move back here to Willow Park. Into the manse. With Daniel.
If he was about to renege on their agreement now, she might have to hit him.
“Daniel,” she repeated, her voice slightly sharp. “What’s the matter?”
He shook his head, as if shaking away cobwebs. “You look beautiful.”
“Oh.” She felt her skin warm at the compliment and what she now saw was admiration in his eyes. Her dress was fairly simple—strapless with delicate embroidery on the bodice and a full skirt without a train.
She shifted from foot to foot. “Well,” she said at last. “You don’t have act so flabbergasted. I can occasionally look decent, you know.”
“I know.” He smiled, appearing more like himself. “Aren’t you cold?”
“A little,” she admitted. Without thinking, she walked over to a chair, where she’d thrown the flannel shirt she’d worn that morning. She pulled it on over her dress and felt more like herself. “Is it going to snow, do you think?”
It was steel gray outside, but no trace of even a stray flake yet.
“That’s what they’re saying.” The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. “The flannel is particularly attractive.”
She giggled at his dry tone and glanced down at herself. “I’ll probably take it off before I walk down the aisle. Oh, and thank you for this.” She put a hand over her necklace. “I love it.”
He smiled again, almost tenderly. “Good.”
“What did you want, anyway?”
“Is everything okay?”
“What do you mean? What did you want?”
“I just wanted to make sure you’re absolutely certain about going through with this. We both take marriage seriously, and I don’t want you to have acted spontaneously and then later regret it.”
She liked how seriously he was thinking of her feelings, thinking of her future. “I’m not going to regret it. I know what I’m doing. I want this.”
He looked at her a long time.
“Why are you so convinced I might regret it? What about you? Are you sure yourself?”
“Of course. But I’ve been married to a woman I loved. I’ve had that part of life. But you never had. Are you really all right with never having it?”
For some reason, the words sliced through her chest.
She was happy about this marriage. Genuinely happy.
But she didn’t need the reminder that he wasn’t going to—couldn’t ever—love her.
They cared about each other, though, and they got along well. Most marriages throughout history had been built on far less of a foundation.
“This is what I want,” she said at last. “To keep n
agging me about it is to assume that I’m not capable of making an informed, reasoned decision about my own life. I am capable. I am making this decision. So you need to stop asking me about it.”
He looked like he was going argue, but then his face visibly relaxed. “Right. You’re right. Sorry. I’m just used to taking care of people.”
“I know you are,” she replied, softening despite herself. “But you don’t have to take care of me. We’re in this together.”
“Got it.”
“So we’re good?”
“We’re good.”
“All right then. So get out of here before Martha has hysterics and stages an assault on the room.”
He laughed and left, and Jessica felt better about things. They understood each other, and there was no reason they had to do things like everyone else.
It didn’t matter that he didn’t love her.
At least he’d thought she looked pretty.
***
When she went out to have the pre-ceremony pictures taken, Jessica suddenly realized this was real. It was happening.
Her nervousness transformed into intense anxiety, which transformed the world into a vague blur.
So she was in a blur as she posed for pictures.
And she was in a blur when they hustled her away as guests started to arrive, filling the big, old sanctuary she loved.
And she was in a blur when she heard the music begin and got into position in the narthex.
And she was in a blur as she started down the aisle behind Kim, her fingers shaking as she gripped her bouquet of deep red amaryllis blossoms and even more as everyone stood in response to her entrance.
And she was in a blur as the Scripture was read, and the hymn was sung, and the homily was given by Daniel’s mentor and favorite professor from seminary.
And she was in a blur as she repeated the traditional vows back to Daniel and slid the ring onto his finger.
Even when he leaned forward to kiss her, she was in a blur.
She could barely even process how it felt.
Except it was slightly scratchy from his beard.
Slightly scratchy—and not at all unpleasant.
Three
