by Noelle Adams
“Nothing. Bear is important to me.”
“I know she is. I’ve never said a word about her, except she should sleep on her own bed.”
“I know you’ve never liked her.”
“I like her fine. I just don’t like her as much as you do. She’s your dog, after all.”
“I know that.”
“Then why are you in a snit about this?”
He couldn’t have chosen a word more poised to rile her up if he’d tried. “I am not in a snit,” she gritted out.
“You are too in a snit. I’ve been trying to have a normal conversation here, and you’re acting like everything I do and say is a source of resentment.”
He was right. Of course, he was right. But the fact that he had no idea why she might be upset—why she might have wanted more from this marriage—just made her feel even worse.
She’d made a mess of this whole thing. She needed to pull it together and not expect more than he wanted to give her.
His arm tightened slightly on her upper arm. “Would you just tell me what’s wrong with you? You don’t have to come tonight if you don’t want.”
“Of course, I’m going to come tonight. What do you think I’ll do? Tell Will and Holly that I don’t feel like going out, so I’m sending my husband to have dinner with them alone? Give me a little credit.”
“Then what the—”
His frustrated question was interrupted by the ringing of their front door.
Bear barked excitedly, and Jessica grabbed her purse, relieved at the narrow escape.
“Don’t forget your jacket,” she told him.
***
Will drove them in his expensive SUV, and Jessica spent the entire ride to the restaurant trying to be friendly and make casual conversation.
Since Holly was a talker, she dominated the conversation, so fortunately Jessica didn’t have to interact with Daniel very much. She was still rattled and upset by their interrupted argument and, whenever she didn’t have to talk, she kept trying to talk her emotions back into order.
She was usually a very calm and sensible person. There was no reason to get so uptight about everything. Eventually, she and Daniel would work out a relationship that was good for both of them. He was allowed to be a little distant in the first week.
She didn’t look at him very much during the car ride, afraid he’d read something in her expression. Instead, she stared outside at the winter evening and the Christmas decorations—some of them crazy over-the-top. She tried to work up some Christmas spirit, thinking that she would be married for the Christmas season for the first time in her life.
She didn’t manage to summon up very much enthusiasm.
They finally got to the restaurant, which was just as exclusive and snobby as she remembered. The food was ludicrously expensive, and she couldn’t help but think this couple was rather pretentious and thoughtless to invite them here on a Saturday night.
Daniel needed to preach tomorrow morning, after all. They’d be really late getting home tonight.
There were a few teetotalers in the congregation, but not many, and Will and Holly weren’t among them. So they had a bottle of red wine and chatted over four courses of food.
Daniel was his normal charming self, but she could tell he was still wondering what was wrong with her. He would occasionally watch her questioningly. She started to wonder if maybe he thought she’d make a scene at the restaurant and embarrass him, although that thought was probably unfair too.
But just because she knew her attitude toward him this evening was unfair didn’t mean it was easy to get rid of.
She hoped the tension wasn’t obvious to the other couple.
Over coffee, she excused herself, since she needed to use the restroom before the long ride home. On her way back the table, she ran into someone she knew.
“Hey, Mike,” she said, smiling as he stopped. “What are you doing here?”
Mike was about her age and cute in a nerdy way, with dark-rimmed glasses and an adorably crooked smile. He’d worked with her for a couple of years before he’d gotten another job, and she was happy to see him.
“Having dinner. I live in Dalton.” He hugged her casually and was smiling when he pulled away. “What are you doing here?”
“I’d forgotten you lived here now. I’ve moved back to Willow Park.”
They chatted for a few minutes, getting updates on their lives. He was a really nice guy—smart and funny. He’d hit on her the first time they’d met, but he’d been good-natured when she’d turned him down flat—since she only dated guys who shared her religious beliefs. He was showing her a project he was working on, both of them huddled over his smart phone to look at the screen he’d pulled up, when a voice behind her made her jump.
“There you are.”
She turned around in surprise and saw Daniel, watching them coolly.
“Oh, hi. Sorry.” She glanced at her watch, embarrassed that she’d lost track of time. “I didn’t realize I was gone so long. I ran into Mike.”
Daniel’s shoulders had stiffened, and he stepped over to stand beside her, putting his hand on her back. Despite the gesture, he didn’t feel friendly and affectionate. He felt uncharacteristically tense. She had no idea what was wrong with him.
“Mike does web development too,” Jessica told him. “We used to work together.” She turned to Mike. “This is my husband, Daniel.”
“It’s great to meet you.” Mike extended his hand with a smile, looking genuinely friendly.
Daniel looked anything but friendly as he returned the handshake.
“Will and Holly are waiting for us.” He nodded toward the front entrance. “They were worried you were taking so long.”
“Oh. Sorry.” She squeezed Mike’s arm and told him good-bye, and then returned the hug he gave her. She was aware of Daniel’s steady gaze on her as she did.
She frowned as she walked down the hall with him. She kept slanting him looks to confirm, but he definitely looked angry. Cold and angry, not the familiar grumpiness she was more used to from him.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asked at last, stopping in the middle of the hall.
“Nothing.” He put a hand in the middle of her back and pushed her forward, but she resisted the gesture.
“Why are you angry?”
“I’m not angry.” He made a quick gesture of his head, like he was trying to rid himself of his mood. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just tell me what’s wrong. Are you upset that I took so long? I didn’t mean to be rude, but if you think Holly and—”
“No, no. It’s nothing like that.” His hard expression broke. “I’m sorry. I’m just being stupid. You can talk to whoever you want, whenever you want.”
He sounded more natural now, having worked through whatever bothered him. But she still wanted to know what it was. “Why wouldn’t I be able to…Wait, were you mad that was talking to Mike?” She’d belatedly landed on an explanation for his inexplicable mood.
“I wasn’t mad. But it’s clear that he’s into you, and it’s just unsettling for a man to walk into a hall and find another man coming on to his wife.”
She choked, half on indignation that he would trust her so little—that he’d think she might respond to another man when she was married to him—and half on laughter, at how crazy the idea actually was.
There was not another man in the world that she wanted the way she wanted Daniel. She’d never fully admitted it to herself before, but there it was…
She had no idea how to respond, and fortunately she didn’t have time to say anything anyway. They’d reached Will and Holly, and Daniel said, “I found her.”
Jessica apologized for taking so long, and they all got into the car.
Daniel still felt kind of tense beside her, and she wondered if he’d really thought she was flirting with Mike.
She didn’t know how to flirt. She’d never been able to master the skill.
If she’d
known how, she would have tried it on Daniel a long time ago.
***
Holly was the only one still in a talking mood on the way back to Willow Park.
Daniel kept up his end of the conversation, but Jessica was just too tired and distracted.
She leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes for a few seconds, wondering what she’d gotten herself into.
Married to this frustrating, incomprehensible man. ‘Til death did them part.
The next thing she knew was the car coming to a stop. She jerked awake, completely disoriented.
She was leaning her head against a shoulder, and her face was pressed against a black jacket.
She blinked and saw through the front windshield of the SUV they were stopped at one of the three traffic lights in Willow Park.
She straightened up with a jerk, embarrassed that she’d actually fallen asleep. She couldn’t help but glance up at Daniel. He was gazing at her in the dim light.
She couldn’t read his expression, but he didn’t look cold and angry anymore.
“I’m sorry,” she said, speaking to Will and Holly in the front seats. “I can’t believe I fell asleep. You must think I’m incredibly rude.”
“Oh, no,” Holly said, a smile in her voice. “Please don’t worry about it. It’s late, and Daniel said you’d had a really long week.”
Jessica glanced over at him in surprise, but his expression was no more revealing than before.
***
That night, Daniel didn’t read in bed. He turned off his bedside light as soon as she crawled under the covers beside him
He was looking at her in the dark, so she turned to face him.
“I’m sorry about before,” he said. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry. Or jealous. Or any of it, really.”
She let out a gusty breath, relieved the strange tension could be over now. “I’m sorry too. I got angry first. I…I shouldn’t have taken out my frustration on you.”
“Can you tell me why you were frustrated?”
She should have seen the trap coming from miles away, but she hadn’t. She wasn’t prepared. She just looked at him silently, any words she might have said frozen in her throat.
“I know I’m sometimes clueless, but I don’t think I’m wrong about this. It’s like you’re really upset and annoyed with me but won’t tell me why.”
She let out a breath. “Yeah.”’
“So can you please tell me? I can’t fix it if you won’t let me know why you’re unhappy.”
“There’s nothing to fix,” she said at last, her voice a little hoarse. “It’s not like you’ve really done anything wrong. And I don’t want you to feel guilty or anything, or be obliged to act in any way you don’t want.”
She could barely see him frowning in the dark. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“I know you don’t. I know.” She blew out a frustrated breath, wishing she’d just kept her mouth closed to avoid this awkward conversation. She pulled the covers up over her, causing him to adjust the covers over himself too. “It’s just that…it’s just that before we got married, I thought we were close.”
“We are close.”
“I know. I know. But it felt different before. We were honest with each other, and basically open about what was going on with us, and we spent time together. And now that we’re married, we…we don’t. We aren’t.” She took a shuddering breath, afraid of saying too much. “And I’ve been kind of upset about it. Since it feels like we’re not even as close as we used to be.”
“We’re still clos—” He broke off his initial response, as if he’d just processed what she said.
“We haven’t been close this week. I mean, you’re always very nice, but you’ve…you seem withdrawn, and I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’ve done to make you pull away from me.” She felt painfully vulnerable saying the words and wished she could suck them back up.
He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. A faint glow from the moonlight played around the edges of the blinds on the windows, casting dim light across his face. “You haven’t done anything.”
“Then why…” She didn’t finish the question. She didn’t need to.
He didn’t answer immediately. Just shifted slightly beneath the covers. Then eventually he said, “It’s hard. Harder than I thought. Getting married again.”
Her chest suddenly clamped down in pain at the halted explanation. What an absolute, insensitive idiot she’d been—not to realize that he might be struggling with something really difficult.
“It feels like I’m moving on,” he said. “Even if I can’t let… Even if it’s not the same, I’ve started doing things with you that I’ve never done with anyone but Lila. And not just the sex.”
It hurt the way it had the first time, to hear him once again affirm that he was never going to fall in love with her, but she already knew that was true so she pushed it aside in the face of what was so much more important. “I understand,” she murmured, reaching out to put a hand on his chest. “I’m so sorry. I never even realized…I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for moving on, but I do. Sometimes I do.” Emotion was shuddering under the surface of his composure, so intensely it seemed to vibrate the air around him. “I didn’t realize it would be so hard.”
Her eyes burned with feeling. “It’s okay, Daniel. It’s really okay. I shouldn’t have tried to push you—”
“You didn’t push me at all. I should have told you what was wrong. I’ve been trying to be a good husband to you—I really have—but I haven’t done a good job this week.”
She couldn’t resist anymore, so she rolled over to give him a hug.
He hugged her back, so tightly she couldn’t breathe for a moment.
Then he murmured into her hair, “I’ll try to do better.”
“You don’t have to do better—”
“I do. I don’t want you to be unhappy. It’s my responsibility to make sure you aren’t. And I don’t want you to ever doubt that we’re friends, that we’re close. You mean so much to me, Jessica.”
She didn’t doubt it anymore. He felt real and warm and human beneath her, strong and vulnerable both.
He added, “And, if you’re upset about something, would you try to let me know what it is earlier too?”
“Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t want to grumble, since it’s not a real marriage. I mean, a regular marriage. You don’t owe me anything.”
“I owe you being a good husband, and I’m sorry I haven’t been that.”
“I’m sorry too.”
She felt a lot better, and she didn’t want to move out of his arms, so she shifted against him, getting a little more comfortable.
He didn’t seem inclined to push her away tonight, so she stretched out against his side, her arm wrapped around his waist.
As the minutes past, she started thinking more and more about sex. He was so big. And strong. And solid. And hot. She wanted to feel him in every way.
But she was determined not to put any pressure on him. Not if it made him feel guilty. Not if he wasn’t ready. There was no reason to be selfish, just because her body had ideas of its own.
She kept shifting, however, since her body was responding to thoughts she shouldn’t be having. She tried to keep her hand still, but it was moving slightly against his side—quite against her conscious volition.
Without thinking, she moved her hand down to his hip, past the waistband of his pajama pants. She wasn’t doing anything intentional, just idly stroking her fingers.
Then her forearm brushed against something unexpected.
She sucked in a breath and couldn’t help but move her hand down to investigate.
He was aroused. It was obvious beneath the fabric of his pants.
“Jessica,” he said, his voice very thick. She gave a ragged gasp as she gently palmed him, thrilled with how he felt beneath her hand.
She jerked away when she realized what she was doing. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. I shouldn’t have—”
Horribly guilty and horribly embarrassed, she rolled over to her side of the bed and pulled the covers up to her neck.
He rolled over toward her, dislodging the safety of her covers.
“Jessica,” he said, taking her face in his hand, “I’d like to have sex again, if you want to.”
“But I thought you said—”
“I’ve been feeling guilty, but it’s not a rational feeling and I shouldn’t indulge it. I think it’s better for me to… I’d like to have sex again, if you’d like to too.”
“I would,” she admitted, reaching up to slide her fingers through his hair.
He leaned down to kiss her, and it was just as good as last time. His tongue slowly explored her mouth until she was shuddering with pleasure. She stroked his cheek, loving the feel of his beard beneath her palm.
It didn’t take long until both of them were completely into it. She was even more eager than last time—so eager, in fact, that she came once during foreplay, a fact that seemed to please Daniel inordinately.
When he slid inside her again, he was just as hot and hard and urgent as he’d been the week before.
He seemed to try to control his rhythm, slow his motion inside her, but he couldn’t. Soon he was grunting with the same kind of primal need she’d felt in him last time.
She loved how it felt, loved how he so obviously took pleasure in her body, how he seemed to need what she could offer him.
She didn’t climax from intercourse, but after he’d come with a loud exclamation of release, he kissed her some more and brought her to another orgasm with his fingers.
She was limp and replete when he finally collapsed beside her with a long, low groan.
She couldn’t help but smile at how exhausted he sounded.
“Surely having sex with me isn’t such an arduous task,” she teased.
He reached over to pull her to his side. “It’s exhausting. You’re quite the taskmaster.”
She giggled foolishly. “Well, you performed admirably.”
