by Noelle Adams
She decided to have a nice evening by herself. Even if she couldn’t hang out with him, she could enjoy a cozy time on her own, with just Bear for company. She’d lived many years by herself, and she didn’t need a man to enjoy an evening.
She straightened the room up and turned on the lights on the Christmas tree. She was settling down to read, but then decided to build a fire. A church member had brought over a load of firewood for them, so she brought some logs inside.
She knew how to build a fire. Her mom had made them all the time when she was a girl. So she set up the logs and then lit the fire without any sort of problem.
It started easily, and the fire soon blazed merrily.
It made the room cozy and festive, especially with the lit tree.
She was very pleased with the result, and she stretched out on the couch to read with some cocoa. After a while, she coughed a few times but didn’t immediately notice what was making her cough.
On her fourth cough, she put down her ereader.
Something was wrong.
Smoke was starting to hang around the fireplace, where it really shouldn’t be.
She knew she’d opened the damper to the correct position, so she had no idea what might have happened.
She went outside to see if she could see any smoke coming out of the chimney, and she didn’t see anything.
When she went back inside, the smoke was starting to waft around the living room.
She ran to open the windows and the sliding glass door that led to the deck, so the smoke would have somewhere to go.
It wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes fireplaces smoked a little. She’d just let the fire die down, and it would be fine.
But the fire was burning hotter than ever, and the smoke kept getting worse.
She coughed as she stood frozen for far too long, trying to figure out what to do.
She felt helpless, paralyzed, like the fire would simply overwhelm her.
Then she realized she was being stupid. She didn’t need to wait for the fire to die down naturally. There must be a fire extinguisher somewhere in the house. She checked the closet where they kept household tools. She checked the kitchen—under the sink, in the pantry, then in every cabinet. She ran upstairs and checked the bedrooms, but she couldn’t find one.
The smoke was getting worse. She started to panic.
What if, in her stupidity, she actually burned the house down?
It was a ridiculous thought. A fire safely in the fireplace was not going to burn the house down, no matter how much smoke it produced. Thus relieved by logic, she ran for her phone as she kept looking around for the fire extinguisher.
Daniel answered on the fourth ring. “What’s wrong?” he asked by way of greeting. He would know she wouldn’t bother him during a class unless there was an emergency, and there was concern in his tone.
“Nothing,” she said. “I mean, it’s not an emergency. It’s just…Sorry, I shouldn’t have interrupted you.”
“Jessica, tell me what’s going on.” His voice snapped, but it was obviously from urgency.
“Don’t we have a fire extinguisher somewhere?” she asked. Then she had the brainstorm to check the garage and found one on a shelf just outside the door. “Never mind,” she said, wishing she hadn’t called him. “Sorry to bother you.”
“Wait, what’s going—”
She’d already hung up the phone now and ran into the living room to put out the fire.
It extinguished quickly—if messily—and Jessica breathed a sigh of relief when the blaze died. The room was still smoky, but at least new smoke wasn’t billowing in anymore.
She heard the sound of the front door open, but she didn’t have time to process what it meant before Daniel’s voice boomed out. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” she gasped, whirling around in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
He scanned the room, taking in the smoke and the fireplace. “You called to ask about a fire extinguisher. What did you expect me to do?”
“You didn’t have to come back.” She was mortified that she’d pulled him away from his church responsibilities for something so absurd. There had never been a more incompetent wife in the history of the world. “I had it under control.”
He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, obviously rubbing away smoke. He still looked like he was in crisis mode, his shoulders tense and his posture poised. “I didn’t know that.”
“Sorry to scare you. The fireplace is broken or something. I don’t know what happened.”
He finally relaxed as he evidently processed the situation. “Well,” he said, smiling at her fondly, adorably, “there’s this little thing called a damper. And, when you light a fire, you want to make sure—”
“I had it opened! I’m not completely stupid. Go look and see.”
He walked over to check, coughing a few times at the lingering smoke, and then raised his eyebrows. “It is opened. Something must be broken.”
He stuck his head practically into the fireplace to look up the chimney, and she made a startled exclamation and dragged him back. “Watch it. It’s still hot in there.”
“It must be broken.”
“We can get it fixed this week. You can go back to church. Sorry to pull you away.” Her fingers curled around his arm, and she loved how strong and solid he felt beneath her hands.
“It’s fine. They just took a few minutes’ break. It’s freezing in here.”
“I had to open the windows for the smoke.” She coughed again and wiped the tears from the smoke off her face.
Daniel frowned at her in concern. “Well, go put another sweatshirt on. You’ll be too cold in here.”
“I’ll be fine. You can go back.”
“I don’t want to leave you here in a freezing, smoky house.”
“I’m fine. I’ll keep blowing it out. The fire is out now, so it will go away soon. There’s no emergency.”
“The fire extinguisher should have been in a better place. I’ll get a couple more of them tomorrow.”
“Okay. You can do that tomorrow. But, Daniel, all those prospective new members took time out of their Thursday evenings to attend this class, so you need to go back to them now.”
“Yeah. Right.” He was still eyeing in concern the room, slightly less smoky now.
“What did you tell them when you left, anyway?”
“Nothing.”
He looked slightly sheepish.
“You told them you had to go keep me from burning the house down, didn’t you?”
She could see from his expression that he’d said something very close to that.
She smiled ruefully. “It’s fine. This time wasn’t my fault.”
“That’s right. Just an unfortunate accident.” His mouth tightened in a familiar way.
“You can laugh if you want.”
“I don’t want to laugh.”
“Yes, you do.” She pushed him toward the door into the garage. “Now go back. Hopefully, it will be less smoky when you get home.”
She spent another hour trying to clear the room of smoke. Eventually the smoke was gone, although the smell lingered.
There was no cozy evening when Daniel got back. He’d stopped on his way home to buy four fire extinguishers, and he spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out what was wrong with the damper.
Jessica eventually gave up and went to take a long shower, trying to wash the smoke out of her hair.
She was exhausted and freezing and her throat hurt as she crawled into bed. She’d dried her hair as much as she had energy for, but it was still slightly damp.
She read until Daniel came up and took a shower too.
When he got into bed, he turned his head toward her. “Are you okay?”
“Fine. Does my hair still smell like smoke?”
He leaned over and smelled. “No.”
“Liar. I keep smelling smoke.”
“It’s your imagination.�
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She grumbled and turned the light off.
A few minutes later, she heard repressed chuckling from his side of the bed. “What are you laughing at?” she demanded.
“Nothing.”
“Is it my pitiful attempt at a roast or my almost burning down the house?”
“A little of both.”
She couldn’t help but chuckle too. “It hasn’t been a very good week for me, I guess.”
He rolled over until he was almost on top of her. His voice took on a particular resonance she was starting to recognize—one she only heard in the bedroom when the lights were off. “I think it’s been a very exciting week.”
“Well, I’m here for your amusement.”
“Glad to hear it.”
He was still laughing when he kissed her.
A few minutes later, when they’d both gotten excited and urgent, he asked in baffled frustration, “How many sweatshirts do you have on?”
Seven
The following evening, after dinner, Daniel went into his study to work.
After straightening up the kitchen, Jessica walked down the hall and stared at his closed door.
There wasn’t anything wrong with his getting some work done in the evening. He didn’t owe her anything except respect and faithfulness. She shouldn’t expect for their practical marriage to turn into something romantic—just because she was wanting it more and more.
It felt wrong, though. Like he was hiding from her. Like he was hiding from life. Like this was his way of clinging to certain things he couldn’t yet let go of.
Glancing down at Bear, who was wagging her tail eagerly with her nose to the crack of the door, wanting to get at the person inside the room, Jessica felt a sudden swell of frustrated impatience.
She wanted to shake Daniel. To tell him to just get over it, to get it together. Life went on, and nothing worthwhile could be gained by wallowing in grief or wishing for something that could never happen—like his dead wife coming back to him.
She wasn’t a fool, though. That simply wasn’t how people worked. It wasn’t how grief worked.
No one could just shake themselves out of it.
“No, I think it’s a good idea,” Daniel said from inside the study. His voice was muffled but audible. He must be on the phone. “I think we can definitely plan something like that.”
There was a pause, during which the other person must have spoken. Then Daniel continued, “Good. Just make sure you include other women in the church in planning it. Actually, you might ask Jessica. She’d be great at it.”
Jessica was surprised, since she couldn’t think of any sort of church event that she would be great at planning. Maybe he was just continuing his mission to get her more involved and to act more like a typical pastor’s wife.
“No,” Daniel said. “You can’t assume things like that. She could really help. She’s brilliant. Seriously—she’s one of the smartest people I know, and I’m not just saying that because I’m married to her. She’s quiet, and she never puts herself out there, but that doesn’t mean she can’t contribute. Not everyone is comfortable jumping into new situations, so you need to make an extra effort to include them. Ask her. I guarantee she’ll really be able help.”
Jessica realized she was standing the hallway, shamelessly eavesdropping on a conversation that wasn’t intended for her. She quickly walked back to the kitchen, feeling strange and confused.
She wasn’t sure if she was touched that Daniel was making such a point of her being smart and capable, or if she was uncomfortable that he was throwing her into the game when she much preferred watching from the sidelines.
“Looks like it’s just us this evening,” Jessica said to Bear, trying to distract herself from the strange feeling. “What should we do?” She felt kind of lonely and heavy, like she wanted to mope.
It was stupid, but she’d never imagined she would be lonely after she got married.
Bear had flopped down on the floor as soon as they’d entered the kitchen, but now she sat up at Jessica’s voice and begged.
“Food, huh?” Jessica glanced into the living room at the lit Christmas tree. It was only seven on a Friday evening, and Christmas was coming soon.
She might as well do something fun and productive, whether Daniel wanted to do it with her or not. She checked the cabinets, pulling out ingredients for the one thing she really knew how to make well.
Every year about this time, her mother would make caramel corn and fill decorated jars with it to give as Christmas presents.
She didn’t have enough ingredients to make it for presents, but she could at least make one batch to eat.
It had always been one of her favorite times growing up, making caramel corn with her mother. She turned on some Christmas music and sang with the songs as she worked.
She was feeling better when the batch was done, and she even braved the fireplace again.
The damper had been fixed yesterday, so this time the blaze ignited to create a cozy ambience instead of a smoky room.
She’d poured herself a glass of wine and put some of the finished popcorn in a bowl to carry into the living room when she glanced back down the hall.
She didn’t have to shake him out of his brooding. She could just invite him to come out. If he rejected her, then he rejected her. It wasn’t the end of the world.
And she was somehow sure that hiding in his study wasn’t good for him right now.
She tapped on his door and opened it when he answered.
He was sitting at his desk but not working on the computer. It looked like he was just reading. He’d obviously finished the phone call.
“You can read out in the living room, you know,” she said, making a point of not glancing over to the photo of Lila that was sitting on his desk.
He raised his eyebrows.
“You don’t have to, but you can if you want. I won’t disturb you. I made a fire, and it’s really nice in there. Plus, there’s caramel corn.”
She kept her voice light as she smiled at him. “Just come on out if you want any.”
She was pleased with the attempt as she left the study, but then she glanced down at herself. She wore a gray sweatshirt with red and black plaid flannel pants.
She really should have worn something more flattering if she’d wanted to lure her husband out of his study. She was absolutely terrible at being attractive. Most of the time, she didn’t even remember to check the mirror.
Nothing to do about it now, though. He’d already seen her in her baggy clothes.
She’d settled on the couch with her laptop on her lap and the bowl of caramel corn on the couch cushion beside her when Daniel appeared.
She smiled at him in surprise.
“You said there was caramel corn,” he said by way of explanation.
She couldn’t help but laugh. “There is.”
He sat down beside her and grabbed a handful. “Just like your mom’s,” he said, when he’d mostly chewed his first bite.
She was ridiculously pleased by the sentiment.
“Do I get any wine?” he asked, when she raised her glass to take a sip.
“You do if you haul yourself up to pour a glass.”
She was just teasing and didn’t mind getting him a glass, but he beat her to it, heaving himself back to his feet with a chuckle.
He returned to sit on the same spot, with just the bowl of caramel corn between them.
Jessica did her best not to feel ridiculously giddy. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but getting him out of his study tonight felt like a victory.
“What are you reading?” she asked, when he picked up his book. “Don’t tell me Bonheoffer.”
“It’s just some background reading on Acts.”
She knew his next sermon series would be on the book of Acts. “You should read something just for fun.”
“Bonheoffer is for fun.”
Rolling her eyes, she muttered, “You’re just weird.”
She glanced at the screen of her laptop. “Just going over some work. Nothing too intense.”
“You shouldn’t be working so late.”
She snorted at the appalling irony of that statement, but she answered, “I spent the afternoon with Mom, so I actually have time I need to make up.”
“I thought you could work some at your mom’s.”
“Sometimes I can, but she was pretty lucid today. She kept wanting to talk.”
He smiled for real, obviously sensing how pleased she was by this fact. “What did she talk about?”
“Old times. She likes to rehearse. She told me the story of your breaking her window with the baseball about four times.”
He gave an exaggerated groan. “I’m never going to live that down.” He paused for a moment before he added, “I used to love when she made caramel corn.”
“I know you did. You always somehow knew and ‘accidentally’ stopped by.”
“I could always hear you singing.”
“What?”
“You and your mom would always be singing Christmas songs as you made it.”
“Oh. Yeah. I guess we did.”
“I heard you singing earlier, and I knew you were making caramel corn.”
“Well, why didn’t you accidentally happen by the kitchen?”
“I was considering it.”
His voice was light, but she studied his face, and she suddenly knew he had considered it but then decided against it.
If she hadn’t gone to get him, he wouldn’t have come out at all.
She was really glad she had.
Inspired by this, she took another risk. “Do you want to come Christmas shopping with me tomorrow?”
“What?”
“You’re taking tomorrow off, right? You said you weren’t planning to go on the hike with the youth group.” He got one weekday off every week, since he always had to work on Sundays, and he was supposed to have Saturdays off too, although he usually ended up doing prep for Sunday or some other church event.
“Yeah, I don’t need to go on that hike.”
“I was thinking about going Christmas shopping. I need to buy some presents, since it’s coming up soon, and I have nothing. I was just asking if you wanted to come with me, if you weren’t going on the hike.”
