by Noelle Adams
Finally, she pulled away, wiping her eyes and feeling kind of silly, but much better than she had before.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, rubbing her face. She must look horrible. She was still wearing her church clothes, but her eyes must be swollen and red, and she’d pulled her hair back in a messy ponytail to keep it out of her way.
“Randa called. She was worried about you, and she wanted to make sure I was on my way.” His eyes bore into her, as if searching for something in her expression. “She assumed I already knew.”
“I know she did.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” The words weren’t accusatory. Just bewildered.
She looked away. “I don’t know.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t care? I’m so sorry about last night, and I shouldn’t have left this morning without putting things right between us, but did you really think I wouldn’t care that your—”
“I knew you would care. It wasn’t that.”
“Then what was it?”
She shrugged and couldn’t meet his eyes. She couldn’t tell him the truth—that she wanted his love and would never get it. So there was no good answer she could give.
“Jessica?” he prompted.
She just shrugged again. “I just didn’t.”
He didn’t push the issue, perhaps recognizing that she wasn’t in a fit state to talk about it. “Did you get any lunch?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Well, you have to eat something.”
“I said I’m not—”
“Then you can come watch me eat.”
“I’m not going to leave—”
“We’ll just go down to the cafeteria. We’ll ask Randa to call if there’s any news. But the surgery takes a long time, and you’ll feel better if you don’t sit and brood.”
“I wasn’t brooding.” Her objection was mostly out of principle, since she had been brooding and there was no reason not to go down to the cafeteria. She stood up, went to the bathroom, washed her face, and got onto the elevator with him. In the cafeteria, she ate half a sandwich, which made her stomach feel better, since all she’d had today were four cups of coffee.
An hour later, they were back in the waiting area, on a row of chairs without armrests. Daniel had his arm around her, and she was leaning against him.
“Why is it taking so long?” she mumbled, readjusting to get more comfortable and in the process wrapping an arm around his waist.
His head moved against hers, and she was almost sure he pressed a kiss into her hair. “It’s a complicated procedure, I think, but they do it all the time. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
Jessica sighed. Then she glanced up at his face, catching a look that startled her, since it was so full of tender feeling. “You don’t have to stay here all afternoon with me.”
His expression transformed into surprised annoyance. “You think I’m going to leave you?”
“No, I’m just saying you don’t have to stay. I know you must be tired after preaching this morning, and you didn’t get much sleep last night, and there’s nothing here for—”
“I’m not going to leave you here alone.”
“I know I was pitiful earlier, but I’m really okay. You don’t have to feel sor—”
“I don’t feel sorry for you. I want to be here. So stop trying to get me to leave.”
“I’m not trying to get you to leave. I just don’t want you to feel oblige—”
He groaned and rubbed his face with one hand. “I know I’ve made a mess of our relationship lately. I know it’s my fault. But I would have been here for you before we got married, just because we’re friends. Why would you think I’d do any less now that you’re my wife?”
For some reason, the earnestness of the words made her cheeks flush. “Okay,” she mumbled, leaning against him again, mostly to hide her expression.
He wrapped his arm around her once more, and they sat together in silence.
When Randa walked by a few minutes later, she smiled at them maternally, evidently feeling like she’d accomplished a job well-done.
***
Jessica was gently shaken awake by a hand on her shoulder.
She blinked up, gradually recognizing Daniel’s face above her. Her head hurt and her back hurt and she had no idea where she was.
“It’s late,” Daniel said, kneeling down beside her chair. “Do you want to go home?”
Jessica blinked a few more times, realizing she was in the hospital room with her mother. Her eyes flew to her mom, who was asleep on her bed. She was hooked up to all kinds of devices, but she seemed to be resting comfortably.
“I don’t know.” Her voice was scratchy, and she couldn’t get her mind to work. “What time is it?”
“After ten.”
The afternoon had been a blur. Her mom had gotten out of surgery about the time that Kim had arrived. Kim had stayed for several hours, letting Daniel go back and let Bear out and keep a counseling appointment he’d scheduled.
He’d come back around afterwards, bringing some takeout for dinner. Kim had left then, and they’d stayed with her mom in the room until Jessica fell asleep.
Daniel stood up and helped her to her feet. “Why don’t you walk a little and stretch out? Then you can figure out what you want to do.”
She nodded, relieved to stretch out the knot in her back. Daniel put a strong arm around her as they walked down the empty hallway.
Jessica stopped by the bathroom and threw water on her face, and she felt a little better, although her head still ached.
Daniel was leaning against the wall when she came out of the bathroom. He’d taken off the jacket to his suit and his tie earlier in the day, and his trousers and dress shirt were wrinkled. His jaw looked more scraggly than usual, and his eyes were tired and so tender they took her breath away.
Without thinking, responding only to the look in his eyes, she walked over to him, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck and press her body against his.
He slid his arms around her and held her to him in a hug.
“Are you all right?” he asked eventually, murmuring the words against her ear.
“Yeah.” Her voice was muffled because her mouth was still against his shirt.
“What do you want to do, honey?” He adjusted so both of his hands were at the small of her back. “I’ll stay with you if you don’t want to leave her, but I think you’d feel a lot better if you went home to get some sleep. She seems to be okay for now.”
“Yeah,” Jessica murmured, so exhausted she could barely move. “Let’s go home.”
Before they could move, a voice came from farther down the hall. “What are y’all doing? Making out in the middle of the hospital?”
Jessica straightened up, startled by the interruption to their innocent embrace, and Daniel let his arms drop to his side.
Micah approached, giving them a questioning grin.
“What are you doing here?” Daniel asked his brother.
“Hello to you too.” Micah turned to Jessica. “How’s your mom?”
“She’s okay. She’s sleeping.”
“Seriously, what are you doing here so late?” Daniel prompted.
“Just checking on you all. Are you going to stay here all night? Do you want me to stop by and let the dog out?”
“Bear,” Jessica put in.
“Sorry. Bear.” Micah really was a good-looking guy, casual and masculine in jeans and a flannel shirt. She figured all the girls in town must be after him. He used to be pretty wild, but Daniel said he hadn’t really dated since he’d come back to the church.
“No. We were about to head home.” Daniel put a hand on the small of her back and nudged her forward. “Thanks, though. You didn’t have to come all the way out here.”
“Not a problem. I’ve always liked your mom.” He gave Jessica an ironic half-smile. “She made the best caramel corn.”
“No argument here,” Daniel agreed with a smile in
his voice. “Although Jessica can make it just as good.”
***
An hour later, Jessica crawled into bed, feeling like she’d been through a battle.
Daniel’s truck wouldn’t start in the hospital parking lot, even though he and Micah had spent about fifteen minutes fiddling with the engine. So Daniel had driven her home in her car, saying he’d deal with the truck in the morning.
Jessica had taken a shower, but that was all she had energy to do. Daniel had taken Bear out on a short walk, but now he was in the shower too.
The light at his bedside was on, so she could see him clearly as he came into the bedroom wearing only a pair of pajama pants, which was his normal sleeping attire, even in the winter.
His body was gorgeous, but she didn’t even have energy to leer tonight.
“I thought you might already be asleep,” he said, climbing into bed beside her.
“Not yet.”
He reached out to draw her into his arms.
She went willingly, loving the feel of his warm, strong body beside hers. But she mumbled, “I don’t think I’m up to sex tonight.”
He made a gruff sound in his throat. “Do you really think I’m going to make a move on you tonight?”
“Oh.” She shifted enough to look up at his face.
His expression softened. “I was just going to hold you.”
“Oh. That’s okay, then.” It’s was more than okay. It was exactly what she wanted. Needed. She snuggled against him.
He stroked her hair and rubbed her back, and she sighed as her body relaxed.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you right away,” she mumbled after a few minutes. “After I found out about Mom, I mean.”
Daniel didn’t answer right away. “That’s okay. I understand why you didn’t.”
She felt better with her apology given and accepted, so she sighed again.
Then he said, “I almost called you about twenty times this morning, wanting to apologize.”
For some reason, her heartbeat sped up. “Why didn’t you?”
“Because I’m an idiot.”
“Oh. I already knew that.”
He gave a huff of amusement, and his arm tightened around her. “I really am sorry. About yesterday. And everything. I know I was shutting you out, and I know it wasn’t right.”
“I know it’s hard for you,” she said, feeling safer because it was dark, because she wasn’t looking at his face, and because his arm was holding her close. “It’s okay. I understand. But we can’t…we can’t make this work if you close me out.”
“I know.”
When he didn’t say anything else, she swallowed hard. “Do you…do you want this to work?”
“Of course, I do.” He answered immediately, no hesitation in his voice.
She had to believe him.
“Then we’ll keep working on it,” she said.
“Yeah. We’ll keep working on it.
Ten
“I’m serious, Jessica. You’ve been here all day.”
Jessica sighed and looked up at her husband, who was standing over her and frowning in concern. “I’m fine. I want to be with my mom. What’s so wrong with that?”
“Nothing is wrong with it in theory. But you got here at eight this morning, and it’s now after five. It’s not good for you to just sit here all day.”
Her mom was doing as expected today, just a day after the surgery. She’d been sleeping most of the day. “I don’t want to leave her alone. I’m all she has.”
Daniel squatted down next to her chair so he was closer to her eye level. “Randa is here this evening. She said she’d sit with her as much as she can. She’s just sleeping now anyway.”
Jessica glanced back over to the bed. Her mother would be in the hospital for a while. Then she’d get moved into rehab. Then she’d get moved back into the home.
Not a very promising future.
Not much of a future at all.
“Jessica,” Daniel said, his voice thicker now. He took her face in his hand to turn her back to look at him. “She’s okay right now. And you staying here isn’t going to make it all better.”
She swallowed hard. “I know.”
“You need to take care of yourself too.”
“I know.” She hadn’t eaten much today. She was starving.
“Honey,” he said, taking her face in both of his hands, “You need to let someone help you sometimes.”
“I do let people help me.” Her voice was wavering, since she was so affected by Daniel’s voice and his intense expression. He’d only called her “honey” a couple of times, but she loved the sound of it. She wasn’t sure he was even conscious of doing it.
“No, you really don’t.”
“I do.”
“Okay. So you do. This is me, helping you.”
A shudder of emotion ran through her. “Okay.”
He blinked. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Okay what?” He still looked a little suspicious at her acquiescence. “Okay, you’ll let me take you home?”
She nodded.
His face reflected relief, and he stood up and then helped her to feet.
“I’ve got to do the intro to the choir concert at church this evening,” he said, after she’d kissed her mom’s cheek and they were on their way out, “but I don’t have to stay for the concert, so I’ll only be gone for fifteen minutes or so.”
“You should stay for the whole thing. I don’t want people to think I’m falling apart.”
“They’re not going to think you’re falling apart. They’ll think I want to be with my wife when she needs me.”
“I’m really okay. It’s my mom whose had the rough time. I actually kind of want to go to the concert.”
He looked surprised as he opened the passenger door to her car, which they were sharing since he’d had to take his old truck to the shop—the repairs beyond his and Micah’s abilities. “I know, but I thought you’d be too tired to go.”
“I don’t know. I’m kind of tired, but I hate to miss it. I’ve gone every single year of my life.”
“I know.” He shut the door for her and walked around to the driver’s side. “Me too. We can go, if you want.”
“I think I do, unless I’m too tired when I get home.”
Daniel drove to a chain restaurant near the hospital so they could get something to eat, and she ate the burger and fries gratefully. They didn’t talk much, but it didn’t feel like they needed to.
When she got home, she laid down for about a half-hour and dozed off. When she woke up, she felt better, and there was still time for her to get dressed before the concert, so she decided she wanted to go after all. Everyone always dressed up for the yearly Christmas choir concert, so she showered quickly and put on something nice—a straight skirt and a dark red velvet top.
She was doing her makeup when Daniel came into the bathroom to brush his teeth.
“Don’t get toothpaste on your tie,” she chided, holding his tie back from the sink when he leaned over to spit.
He frowned at her, but she knew it wasn’t from genuine annoyance.
Then she glanced down at the tie, which was still in her hand. She smiled in surprise. “I got you this tie last Christmas.” It was festive without being gaudy in dark red, green, and gold stripes.
“I know you did.”
She felt a shiver at the textured sound of his voice, but she tried not to blow it out of proportion. He liked to take care of people. He cared about her.
It didn’t necessarily mean anything significant between them had changed.
“You look beautiful.”
“I do not.” She looked at herself in the mirror. She did look nice, she thought. The red color brought out the color in her cheeks and made her eyes look very blue. It also flattered her figure, which was unusual since she normally wore baggy sweatshirts.
“Yes, you do. Do you have to argue with everything I say?”
“I
only argue when you’re wrong.”
He chuckled. “I don’t think I’m wrong quite as often as you argue with me. And I know I’m not wrong about this. You look absolutely breathtaking.”
“Oh.” She wanted to squirm in pleasure but managed to resist the impulse. “Thank you.”
To distract herself from sappy feelings, she brushed a couple of white hairs off his trousers. “You’ve been petting Bear.”
“I have not been petting that dog. She gets more than enough attention from you.”
Jessica giggled. “I saw you petting her earlier.”
“See. What did I say about your always arguing with me?”
“Well, that’s not my fault. You keep being wrong.”
***
The concert was at the church, which was decorated beautifully for the Christmas season with wreaths, poinsettias, and candles and garland at the windows.
Despite being rather tired, Jessica couldn’t help but feel a thrill of appreciation for the old sanctuary, for the season, for the familiar faces gathered for a concert she’d gone to every year of her life. It made her feel connected to the people, the traditions, a long history, the community. It was the kind of feeling she’d been seeking but not feeling all the time the way she’d wanted.
Daniel’s only duty was to open the concert with a short welcome and say a prayer before it got started. She felt a different sort of thrill as she watched him greet the congregation with his usual warm charisma—that he was hers, more than anyone else’s.
He came back to sit beside her when he’d finished, and he put his arm around her shoulders casually as the first song began.
It wasn’t anything intimate or inappropriate. It just felt natural. It just felt like they were a couple.
A real couple. Not a strange, pragmatically half-married couple.
For the first time in their marriage, she didn’t immediately try to talk herself out of the idea.
It wasn’t just her imagination. She knew something had changed yesterday. He hadn’t pulled back immediately afterwards, the way he always had after they’d been close before. He’d made some sort of genuine emotional commitment. To her. To their marriage. Not just that he’d be faithful and hold up his end of the bargain, but that he would try to genuinely be with her.
